Baby loss awareness week is giving me rage!

[BlueCarRedCar]

Yes I know I am being completely unreasonable.

I’ve seen a few social media posts of friends and a cousin talking about baby loss awareness week because they once had a miscarriage. They all also have at least 2 children each. Then there are all the comments of rainbow babies always come after the dark blah blah blah.

I KNOW I am being completely unreasonable but as a childless person who had 6 miscarriages I want to scream FUCK OFF WITH YOUR BULLSHIT RAINBOW SHIT!!! I hate the term rainbow baby any way, far too twee, but I find it hard to resist commenting that actually some of us never get that happy ending so stop talking bullshit.

yes I know I’m going to get a lot of hate now but I needed to rant somewhere where at least someone might understand how I’m feeling.

I know miscarriages are upsetting for everyone, but not everyone get to go on and have successful pregnancies. Rant over.

No hate from me, you are entitled to feel however you want. Not everyone gets what they want in this life, some never get a happy ending they just learn to accept/deal with what life throws at them.
If they’re lucky, they find something else in life that makes them happy.

So condescending

Another condescending post
how dare you you clearly have absolutely no empathy

“Rainbow baby” is such an awful phrase. What a responsibility to put on a child.

I’m so sorry OP, for all your pain.

I’m also 48 and have had three miscarriages. I totally agree with you and you have every right to rant. I also think (and I will probably get flamed here) that there’s an element of attention seeking in these posts. The people I see doing this are the people who post the “happy heavenly birthday” to their grandmother who died in the 1990s.

Most awareness days/weeks give me rage. Why do we need to be told to be aware of any human suffering. It was mental health day yesterday I had rage.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. I am 64, my infertility journey ended over 20 years ago, and I’m at peace with not being a mother and have a wonderful life, was able to retire at 58 which I probably couldn’t have afforded to had I had children. No actual losses just multiple failed IVFs.

Re the “you never know what the future holds” comments I did get heartily sick of people telling me about their auntie’s next door neighbour’s cousin who got pregnant at 47. Most of the time it wasn’t their first baby. Of course late pregnancies are more likely if you have a history of fertility and successful pregnancy than a history of infertility.

I know miscarriage is very painful but surely subsequent successful pregnancies must go some considerable way to alleviating it.

The hope is that with awareness will come understanding and compassion, public support for related services to be funded and rights to be given (e.g. in this instance, bereavement support and things like the right to bereavement leave for workers), and increased public support of relevant charities. Charities have to fill in so many gaping holes when it comes to things like bereavement support.

Mmm the awareness months aren’t always helpful I agree. I have a life limiting health condition and tbh beyond the ribbons and social media posts people still don’t bloody understand it and ask why I’m still having treatment. It’s more an opportunity for the lucky ones to say ‘phew, that was a close shave’ and others to think ‘thank god it’s not me.’ Doesn’t do much for those of us with the shittier end of the stick. Totally understand your need to rant - I just ignore and nonchalantly remove the posts as I go along.

Those who have had miscarriages and gone on to have kids are not in the same boat as those who could not have children at all. Sorry but it’s next level pain.
it’s fucking infuriating op, I am with you! Hugs xx

@SnobblyBobbly it just infuriates me. I have a memory of sitting in A&E for 4 hours with my mum who was having a psychotic episode waiting for psychiatric triage we been brought in with police. It wasn't her 1st episode and there were posters plastered around to raise awareness about mental health. In work at the moment it's menopause awareness month, nobody gives a shit unless they are also suffering and then we are mostly quiet about it. It's just lip service. If it actually made a difference then I would probably appreciate some awareness. I suffered a miscarriage at 14 weeks, the radiographer who gave me the internal ultrasound told me the baby had come away nicely so I could just go home and rest. Even though I'd had a lot of bleeding and pain this was how I was told it was a certainty. I do have other children before and after my miscarriage so I would never in a million years know how anyone who hasn't feel and would never compare my experience.

I had a miscarriage and it's one of the worst things that ever happened to me. I'm so sorry you went through all that x

"You'll get your rainbow baby" is up there with "at least you can get pregnant".
But as I am now a mum through adoption, there are lots of comments which are very much not for me. A colleague who has a 1 year old was (both before and after the birth and even up to now!) commenting loudly in the office on birth, birth plans etc. Read the room.

Tbh I get what you’re saying. I’ve had a few miscarriages myself but I’ve got two girls. I remember getting a lot of sympathy in the hospital from the staff over my last miscarriage and thinking well yes it’s sad but I’ve got a child at home. Miscarriages in the early stages are a common and natural thing. For me they are disappointing and sad but really not to be compared with the suffering of women with late miscarriages, stillborns, and infertility. I’m sorry you’re struggling op

Just wanted to send you a hug and say I think your rage is fair enough. I’m one of the lucky ones who had a baby after multiple pregnancy loss and infertility. I definitely felt that pain of loss was healed by having a baby so wouldn’t dream of posting about my mcs or ectopic in the context of pregnancy loss awareness week. I do think it can seem insensitive to talk about that loss when you’ve been privileged enough to have a baby afterwards. Sending you a hug and just some understanding. What you’ve been through is so unfair.

It’s such a difficult week and situation. Miscarriages are heartbreaking, no matter what your situation is or how long you were pregnant. Having a successful pregnancy doesn’t diminish that pain. People should express it. When I had my miscarriages particularly the first one it was so hard to discuss, no one wanted to hear, by the time I had several in a row I felt mentioning it was equivalent to saying I got rained on again responses ranged from oh again? To oh well at least you know what to expect. No one cared enough and I was encouraged to just get on with it. So speaking out normalising conversations is so important. And don’t believe for one second that having a child diminishes the pain. It gives you another focus but that pain for me anyway never left me. Be kinder to yourself it’s ok absolutely to be hurt by your losses and it’s ok for others to express their loss too.

I'm sorry for your losses and the huge pain. It sucks. And it sucks to have unhelpful comments and reminders everywhere.

I’m so sorry and it feels wrong commenting because I do have my son who’s now 8 months old but I was once you who had 4 miscarriages and never thought I’d get my happy ending

I hated those types of posts too op and there’s nothing I can say that will make you feel better but I’m so sorry you’re struggling, you’re entitled to feel the way you feel and rant all you want

I think it’s better not to look at this painful stuff. Some people are helped by talk of rainbows but for others it just emphasises the rawness of grief.

A miscarriage could be at 23 weeks and a stillbirth is from 24 - it's not as simple as one hasn't even implanted and one is a viable baby.
But the hierarchy of grief stuff always comes out on these threads.
Suffering losses and never getting to have a successful pregnancy would be so awful

My friend gets this - she's often told that she's young still, there's time for a 'rainbow baby' after her 4 miscarriages. When she tells those that push that there ISN'T time, she went through medically induced menopause at 29, SHE'S to blame for "bringing the mood down" or "trauma dumping". Utterly ridiculous!

I agree and wonder how those babies will feel about described that way when they are older and understand what it means.

To me it feels like they can't be a person on their own terms, it's all about their mothers/parents feelings.

I really don't like it.