Baby loss awareness week is giving me rage!

[BlueCarRedCar]

Yes I know I am being completely unreasonable.

I’ve seen a few social media posts of friends and a cousin talking about baby loss awareness week because they once had a miscarriage. They all also have at least 2 children each. Then there are all the comments of rainbow babies always come after the dark blah blah blah.

I KNOW I am being completely unreasonable but as a childless person who had 6 miscarriages I want to scream FUCK OFF WITH YOUR BULLSHIT RAINBOW SHIT!!! I hate the term rainbow baby any way, far too twee, but I find it hard to resist commenting that actually some of us never get that happy ending so stop talking bullshit.

yes I know I’m going to get a lot of hate now but I needed to rant somewhere where at least someone might understand how I’m feeling.

I know miscarriages are upsetting for everyone, but not everyone get to go on and have successful pregnancies. Rant over.

It’s not the baby loss awareness posts then that give you the rage - it’s the rainbow babies ones.

I follow a few baby loss mums. Their posts about the lost children don't necessarily talk about any living siblings. All I see is pics of lit candles etc and I think it’s important.

Your feelings are valid and may be the sands website is a better place at the moment than Instagram.

I'm with you. Having a miscarriage is not the same as still birth, losing a toddler is not the same as losing a baby that was never born. Miscarriage and going on to having children is not the same as never being able to have children. We can make our own ranking on what is worse, and we really don't have to 'be kind'. It is ok to think you've suffered more.

And i very much find it irritating when someone says theh have 3 children, 2 and a rainbow baby. A rainbow baby that was miscarried at 10 weeks. I won't say anything to their face but I just can't with it.

Their feelings are also valid. Why can't people talk about their sorrow of a lost child,just because they've had a successful birth?

I tend to agree with this. I’d never say to another woman “oh, it could happen to you, too!” Me having a baby at 44 was random. You / her / her sister, probably won’t have the same luck. It’s a simple fact of life, I think more women should consider that before saying “you never know what will happen!”

Yes it's awful, but what is being said is that her suffering is as great as those that have had the same experience, but then haven't had a child and I'm sorry that just is not true. That's two-fold suffering two-fold pain.

And you're right it's a shame you can't empathise that some people suffer more than others, because their circumstances are worse. It's not competitive, it's factual, so maybe try not belittle that.

“Rainbow baby”

”Rainbow bridge”

“Fur baby”

(the last two are usually linked)

”Neuro spicy”

”Neuro sparkle”

Infuriating cutesy shorthand that infantilises legitimate suffering and challenging conditions.

I’m so sorry for your pain, OP. I wish you well x

I agree with you. And in my experience, having been through the pain and loss, most of these mums are actually quite careful what and how they say it.

This. Some people can’t even get pregnant, l know it’s not a competition but even so

The term “rainbow baby” makes my teeth itch

I’m sorry OP, I get how that is hurtful.

I think it is part of human nature to want to give other people who have had difficult experiences hope so people sometimes don’t apply brain and feel the urge to roll out their story of how their friend’s cousin’s colleague’s vet’s neighbour allegedly had a miraculous spontaneous pregnancy and healthy baby at 57 after 34 rounds of IVF and a hysterectomy. Yes I exaggerate but not by much.

I’m sorry you are having a difficult time, OP. And I’m sorry for your losses.

Whilst there seems always to be a race to the bottom when it comes to any negative emotion, what I will say is this- yes, all pregnancy losses are traumatic and difficult for those involved.
However, surely people can see that having had losses and then had a successful pregnancy means that (in this department) there has been happy news, and an end to the journey of loss.
For those ladies that have had losses and no living children, there has been none of the gain and eventual joy- their journey started and ended with sadness.

Not once has the OP belittled any one else’s loss- but the outcomes of the above scenarios are very different, and I think posters should bear that in mind, especially when commenting on this specific board.

You have my solidarity OP, and I truly do wish you well 💐

I completely agree with you, OP. I know mine is a deeply unpopular opinion but with the average rate of miscarriage being what it is, I do think that having 1 isn’t far off being par for the course with trying to conceive. To then go on to have multiple healthy pregnancies is just nothing like the pain of multiple losses, infertility and no baby at the end of the road. There’s a balance (imo) between being open about stuff and people wanting to wallow/get attention and self indulge a bit.

Sorry for what you've gone through op.

I think this is an example that shows that those of us who've never wanted kids (me), and those who have wanted them and never had them (you), have such wildly differing frames of reference and perspectives, we may as well be from different planets.

I so totally can't imagine desperately wanting kids and then miscarrying, these "baby loss" weeks and other such markers don't even register with me.

Thing is though that what may affect one person in a certain way may have another affect on someone else. Some people find stories like this helpful and some people don’t. People shouldn’t have to stop posting things like that when ultimately they aren’t trying to intentionally hurt anyone, if you don’t like posts like that then don’t read them or just ignore it.

I disagree, unless you’re in the situation of being childless despite trying for years, often multiple losses, failed ivf, you have absolutely no concept of whether that person really find those stories helpful.

They’re helpful for those who have been through it and have that ‘miracle baby’ at the end of it all, because it makes those people feel less alone in what they’ve gone though, but I think they’re very very rarely the stories people who are likely to stay childless want to hear.

They’ll listen with a fixed smile, nodding and falling apart inside at these stories.

They don’t tell you that to your face because as has been shown on this thread, people don’t get it, they often don’t have the compassion and empathy to understand what that’s like, because they’ve not experienced it.

I had a single miscarriage between babies 1 & 2 and I don’t think there’s any comparison between my experience and someone who’s suffered multiple losses and is childless. I absolutely do think other people’s pain is probably far worse.

My “loss” doesn’t even register on my thoughts anymore.

My subsequent child was not a fucking rainbow baby. He’s a person in his own right and not some “after the darkness” shit. Loathsome expression.

I love my kids, they’re my favourite people in the world but if I had the chance to live again, I’m not sure I’d have children. There’s not a minutes peace of mind from the moment of conception. They’re young adults now but I’ll spend the rest of my life worrying about their health and well being. I’d like to retire by the sea or even abroad but “how will it affect the kids?” The years raising them meant they haven’t built up a decent pension and at 57, I’m facing retirement with a very limited income. The youngest is yet to go through uni so I’m still unable to throw money into my pension.

You’re complaining about having kids to someone heartbroken they can’t have kids?

What made you think sharing that would be helpful here?

I’m sorry, if that’s what you took from my post, it wasn’t my intention. I was just trying to give a more balanced view. It would also be wrong to say that my children completed me and that I could never have been happy without them.

Having children does not magic away the ills of the world. Nor do they complete me.

Apologies if I articulated poorly and caused offence.

Yes but there are lots of different people who read posts like that all with different experiences, and there are some which find it helpful. Of course those who may not be able to have children at all might not find it helpful, but my point is why shouldn’t people be able to post those things when it is helpful to others and also it’s their own experience? We can’t sensor every Th bug we post online for every situation or people would never be able to post anything, and then the people who find those posts helpful wouldn’t get to see them anymore.

I appreciate your candour re how things panned out after having children, it’s refreshing to hear honest accounts like this thank you. I understand what you’re saying, you love them but had you known then what you know now you may have decided it wasn’t for you. I think there are probably a lot who would agree with you.

i spent years grieving not having children but like i said in an earlier post now im happy with my life. I do have all the things you have sacrificed, a good pension, disposable income, the ability to be totally selfish by going wherever i want when i want. I do appreciate that this is the upside of being childless believe me! I look at friends with kids now in awe at how they juggle it and give up so much of themselves.

It’s not always as simple as “not reading posts”. Often the people who post these things also say them in real life. And you can’t escape those people when you’re stuck face to face. So I do think it’s good to tell people when they are saying something that might not be appreciated. Otherwise they’ll just keep saying it.
I work in a profession where I see many patients a day. I will get asked often if I have children. I normally just reply with no and try and change the subject. But there are many people who push it. Ask me why. I will try and keep it light and say oh it just didn’t work out for me. Then the comments start. “Ooh well you never know! You can’t be that old! There’s still time! My sisters hairdresser’s cousin had 3 kids after 45 all by accident! Have you tried IVF? My friends plumbers sister had quads with IVF!” I even had someone saying similar things while going through my 3rd miscarriage. But I need to keep smiling and nodding along. I would love nothing more than for these people to shut up. I’m mid 40s now. I’m fucking skint from the IVF. I’m emotionally drained from the years of trying and the miscarriages and the IVF. I live with the guilt and worry CONSTANTLY that my husband will (should) leave me and find someone else who he can have children with. I cannot tell you the guilt I feel that he hasn’t been able to have them. I feel worse for him than I feel for myself. Especially because he likely could. He’s still got time. Mine has run out. And it’s devastating.

All of this, solidarity!

It’s absolutely not about not reading posts and about the people who have utterly no common sense about waffling on in real life about all of this - so many people with absolutely no self awareness that none of this is helpful to say.

Baby loss awareness week shouldn't be about rainbow babies. Its about remembering any losses that someone has had. I am very careful that even though I do have other children before and after my stillborn daughter, that I do not refer to them when talking about baby loss awareness week. My reflection is all about the daughter I have lost.
Because I know there are people out there like you that never got the ending to the journey that they wanted and hearing about rainbow babies is not what everyone needs.
sending hugs

yabu.
I have empathy for you but despite already having children i then had a miscarriage and without going into details it was awful.
I did have a baby after it but all these years later i think about the experience sometimes and the baby i lost.
I did actually forget it was awareness week and it makes no difference to me but it must help many women.

Firstly, I didn’t post this in AIBU , so your opinion on whether I am or not is irrelevant to me, I posted on the board for mumnetters without children, but here you are, a mumsnetters with children telling me my feelings are wrong.

secondly, did you actually read the op properly or any of my other comments on the thread because your post would heavily suggest that you have not.

Grief doesn't fit neatly on a scale in the way you seem to believe. Having a miscarriage is an experience that varies wildly from occurrence to occurrence. For some women it's life threatening. Other women never know they're pregnant to begin with. It's not "factual" to make sweeping generalisations and assumptions. It's just your opinion. I can empathise without making comparisons that minimise people's suffering.

I agree with you about the pain being "two fold". But that doesn't mean the pain of miscarriage itself is less for women who have living children or that it is deserving of being belittled in the way that you are belittling it. It means they don't have the pain of infertility or childlessness.