Parents don't care about my milestone

[Hari223]

I've just achieved a really significant professional milestone which is huge for me - and my parents don't seem to care about it at all. By contrast, they are very focused on my sister who is pregnant and always asking after her and her wellbeing. I never wanted children and I'm happy for her (and also think it's right that my parents ask after her) but I'm envious of the automatic attention, care and goodwill it affords her while my achievement is overshadowed. Colleagues and my partner have been wonderful but somehow I can't stop obsessing about my parents' lack of interest. I don't know if anyone else has experienced this?

Thanks @Lottapianos, you've nailed it and thanks to others who have understood.

Some really interesting responses on here, and I really relate as well to some of the posts about your career not mattering/not seeming like it's supposed to matter/mattering less than you having or raising children when you're a woman.

That is really sad, and I am sorry this is happening to you, @Hari223.

I am more than happy to applaud you for your achievement - I'm proud of you.

This is one of the saddest posts I've read on this thread. Who wouldn't be excited about seeing their son progress at work?

Firstly, congratulations OP!

I think some of the comments here are both really dismissive and also missing the point. Your parents don't have to genuinely care about the career milestone, but they could/should care that you care and are proud. And isn't that really what we're reacting to with others' good news in most regards? A friend's child doesn't improve my life in any way, but I'm happy that they're happy. A family member running a marathon affects me not a whit, and I can't fathom why anyone would want to do it, but I can see that it's a big achievement that they'll be proud of, and so celebrating it is the caring thing to do. In a close family relationship I don't think it's unreasonable to expect that they'd be happy that you're happy even if they don't fully 'get' why it's a big deal etc.

And on that latter point - people keep talking like OPs parents must be Victorians who have never encountered the idea of a working woman! I'm guessing that if you have a pregnant sibling your parents are surely probably only about 70 at most, I'm pretty certain they'll have encountered the idea that women can have career successes before.

Congratulations @Hari223 💐🎊🍾 on your big achievement. I'm always interested in people's academic and work related milestones because I know how hard they are. Whether it's getting through Key Stages at school, apprenticeships, GCSEs, all the way up to PhD level, working with your brain/hands demands effort and sacrifice. I agree that people tend to value most what affects them - when I became a great-auntie, I preened, just a little bit! But if I hadn't, I'd still love and value my niece. As much as she's the mother of two beautiful little girls, she's done other things too. Those of her generation who haven't had children shouldn't feel that it's a mandatory milestone; good people don't want unwanted children to come into the world and there are so many other things you can do with your life.

I’m sorry. They should definitely celebrate your success. To not even acknowledge it is pretty poor but I totally understand how you feel. Society unfortunately only seems to congratulate getting married, having a child and maybe buying a house and if you live slightly outside those roles, I just don’t think people know how to handle it. Which is really odd.

Yep. I told mine that I had just been diagnosed with an auto immune disease and they barely paused and said that sounds horrible and the carried on banging on about something their neighbour said. Breath taking but not unexpected as it’s always been this way. I honestly and truthfully don’t understand it. It’s pretty hurtful deep down but I just try and laugh about it.

Agree. “It makes no difference to us” is so selfish. My parents were obviously more excited about their grandchild in the grand scheme of things than my achievements at work. But they are very invested in any success I have and beyond pleased for me, and for my husband and his successes. We often go out for a meal together to celebrate things like achieving a degree/diploma, getting a promotion, successful interview for a much hoped for new job etc. We’ve done the same for their successes in various things. Not knowing anyone who does this is seriously weird.

I agree that career success doesn’t directly impact the parents, but neither does GCSE results, and they still get celebrated (I think).

And in a way, it doesn’t matter whether the parents feel it’s a celebration worthy event, aren’t they concerned what their child thinks? If one of my kids (adults) is proud of something then I’m celebrating with them!

The fact is that after saying congratulations to you there isn’t much more they can say to show how happy they are , is there?

whereas there is endless , never ending chit chat associated with a pregnancy , not to mention reminiscing, they can dine out on the story of how they were told they were going to be grandparents for ever but they are not going to say to their friends “ oh my goodness our other daughter came round the other day with champagne and you’ll never guess !!!…. Yes she’s a partner in her law firm , we are soooo excited !! “

if you want to emphasise how much this means to you organise a meal / party day out
maybe invite your parents into work and make a celebration of it, that way at least they are aware of its importance in your life , you should elevate your achievements

they are not going to say to their friends “ oh my goodness our other daughter came round the other day with champagne and you’ll never guess !!!…. Yes she’s a partner in her law firm , we are soooo excited !! “

Why the fuck not? My parents and my in laws both would.

But you are proud of his achievements nonetheless and he knows that?

@Hari223 I bet your parents do tell friends and family about your success. My dm was always on about my very clever db.

I tell friends that my ddil is a published author because I'm really proud of her, I've never sent her a card though and other than a well done don't really mention it to her.

However my dgc I absolutely have to try not to bore people with. They're tiny, gorgeous humans and a constant source of wonderment to me.

'you want to emphasise how much this means to you organise a meal / party day out
maybe invite your parents into work and make a celebration of it, that way at least they are aware of its importance in your life'

Dear god 🤦🏻‍♂️ she doesn't want to jump up and down and make a scene or do anything as ridiculous as bringing her parents into work (!), she just wants them to acknowledge that she has had some success and respond as decent people would do

I'm really stunned by how few people are getting this on here

What do you want from them? A celebration? Get your partner to organise one.

Isn't that the point though? It's meaningful for her, so they could acknowledge it in some small way to make her happy and show her they cares. So what if it doesn't really affect them?

So would I! Who wouldn’t be happy when their child, at whatever age, achieves something. I don’t get that mindset.

Not giving a damn about anything that doesn’t directly affect you is pure narcissism bordering of psychopathy. OP is their daughter ffs.

"Ultimately none of us really understand or have experience of each others work life, so everything is at some kind of distance."
I think this is right.
I'm a nurse. One of my best friends is an accountant. I know less than nothing about the world of accountancy. We have a comfortable enough relationship that, if she wants commiseration or congratulations over work related happenings, I can ask her to spell out their significance for me.

I have another dear friend who is an academic. When he told me he had gotten tenure I was clearly not excited enough and he gruffly explained how many years it takes most academics to get there. I then had to admit I didn't actually know what tenure was. Real failure on my part to respond as he'd hoped.

@Inthebleakmidwinter1

I’m sorry to hear that. I totally understand how that feels. x

And that's fair enough, but surely they can understand that OP is excited and it's a big deal for her and act accordingly. That's what we do for the people we care about, right? We celebrate (or even just acknowledge) their stuff because we love them, even if we don't get it or find ti as dull as ditch water.

Not giving a damn about anything that doesn’t directly affect you is pure narcissism bordering of psychopathy.

Barely anything I talk to my friends and family about, ask questions about, and congratulate them on directly affects me. I care about it because I care about them - not because their published paper/new cat/£3.20 lottery win/plan to get double glazing/trip to Bucharest has any material effect on my life.

My mother in law congratulated my mother on winning Best Courgette at the village show, and proudly tells us if her other daughter, or her cousin's husband, or her neighbour who I used to go to school with gets a promotion or new job. My father asked lots of questions about my holiday to Austria, and about my election to a union post. My mother regularly asks how our grape vine is doing. Being pleased for people you like and showing interest in things they do - even in things that aren't babies - is normal, and a sign of a well rounded personality.

Maybe I'm a weirdo but unlike many on this thread I actually don't think it is "obvious" at all that parents would be more excited about their offspring having children than about their career successes etc.
I hope that my children will continue to have happy, fulfilled independent adult lives. If that involves children at some point, fine. If it doesn't, also fine, it really isn't my business. I would however be absolutely gutted and consider myself something of a failure as a parent if any of them ever thought I viewed them as lesser than their siblings as a result of their ability or desire to reproduce.

Firstly, congratulations!

To add another perspective that I haven’t seen so far expressed on this thread, I wonder if, because your parents know you and your capabilities, that this is less of a big deal to them because they knew you would get there at some point?

I presume you are in your 30s (based on the fact your sister is pregnant).

If your are on a fairly defined career path (lawyer/teacher/police/any number of other things) and your parents know this, then they will be expecting that at some point you will get to where you are. They are of course pleased, but had the confidence you would get there at some point, and don’t have the finer knowledge that you have to understand how fantastic it is that you have done it at this particular point.

In addition, given they are 20-30 years older, they may have friends who are on even higher rungs, and have expectations you may get even higher.

For example, when I was 30-35, getting to partnership in a law firm was something lots of my friends were aiming at. Some got it sooner than others, and it is always a massive achievement.

But, 15 years later, most/all people who wanted it have got there. And I couldn’t tell you which ones got it first.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with suggesting you go out to celebrate if you would like that. Sometimes people need nudging to understand how much something means to someone else.

Tbh I think you have really high expectations. A card or meal just for getting a promotion? I've got promotions and dont expect this, it's not really a thing to celebrate. Maybe a new job or getting a degree or something but a promotion, sorry I dont see the big deal either. I'd do a congrats over the phone and that would it.
I dont mean to sound nasty genuinely but a promotion is great for you and your partner but not something I'd expect others to celebrate for.