Parents don't care about my milestone

[Hari223]

I've just achieved a really significant professional milestone which is huge for me - and my parents don't seem to care about it at all. By contrast, they are very focused on my sister who is pregnant and always asking after her and her wellbeing. I never wanted children and I'm happy for her (and also think it's right that my parents ask after her) but I'm envious of the automatic attention, care and goodwill it affords her while my achievement is overshadowed. Colleagues and my partner have been wonderful but somehow I can't stop obsessing about my parents' lack of interest. I don't know if anyone else has experienced this?

When I got my degree and then got various promotions my parents were proud. We went out for a meal to celebrate. That’s the end of it. What else is there to say/do? Of course they checked in with me more through pregnancy and were completely overjoyed when my baby was born. That’s the biggest life change there is and it’s an ongoing thing. They’re still delirious even now that he’s turning 4 so strap in for more of this as a child isn’t a one-off event, they are a new member of the family.

Have just seen this post and, yes, this is different. They should be proud of you and showing it. It will never compare to a new baby in the family but not even acknowledging it is poor.

@Yourethebeerthief I wasn't really expecting anything more than a meal to celebrate. I'd even have been happy with a card...it's the fact they didn't do anything. Maybe the issue isn't so much the new baby but the fact that they don't really care about anything that happens in my life that doesn't irectly impact on them

Would your family get a card or celebrate with a meal in general? Because I wouldn't expect that at all for a promotion. Maybe for a graduation or for passing an exam like the bar, so maybe you might just be being a bit unrealistic?

Did they say ‘well done’ though?

I wouldn’t expect a card or meal from my parents, but would expect some sort of ‘well done’ comment.

Is that true for your sister though, would she get a meal out for her career?

It is hugely significant for you, no dispute there, and I hope your parents have shown that they are proud of you. But unless you want them to vicariously live their lives through your achievements, I’m not sure what else they can do or say.
As PPs have pointed out, your sibling being pregnant with another child is very different and will preoccupy them on a number of different level levels. It is an extension of their family and of their very selves.
That is not to say that you are less important than your other sibling, and I hope your parents aren’t treating you in that way, and that you get the same love from them that your sister does. It’s just that in terms of life events, one child having a baby does equal another one attaining a significant promotion/qualification.
And congratulations – it is lovely to hear of your achievement.

Congratulations on your achievements @Hari223

I can relate to what you're saying, even though I do have children. My parents were a little bit like this but my ILs are very much so. I'm retired now but they never showed any interest in my professional life and if it ever was mentioned it was almost as if it was some kind of hobby, no recognition of the fact that I was achieving well professionally, doing a useful job and was financially independent. Ditto the fairly significant amount of volunteer work I do. I only became of interest as an incubator for their grandchildren.
Even now, when my children are grown up, my MIL will rave about my baking but ignore pretty much everything else I do. And I am a decent baker but when in old age I look back on my life's achievements I don't think that the fact I make a jolly good Victoria sponge will even feature.
I think this type of behaviour goes beyond excitement about a new member of the family. It is in fact just plain old fashioned misogyny. We're "allowed" careers and interests up to a point but our "real" job and what really matters, is still considered by many to be home making and child rearing. It's shit. I'm sorry your professional achievements are being undervalued by your family OP, that's not fair. I'd be upset if my parents didn't even acknowledge a big achievement too. Congratulations on your success and good luck in your next challenge, whatever that might be.

Well, congratulations from me OP!

My parents are very similar and tbh it shocked me as they had been absolutely obsessed with education/school acheivements/exam grades and would often bang on about the importance of getting a qualification and a "good job". But as soon as I was engaged to be married (age 23 and in the process of doing a PG law diploma to then qualify as a solicitor) they literally lost ALL interest in that and the only thing they wanted to know about was if we were going to have children and when.

I completed my diploma and the practical course PT whilst working FT to finance it, bloody hard work. No interest. Secured a training contract, no interest. Qualified as a solicitor, invited them to my qualification ceremony, they said they'd come but forgot (luckily my husband was there). I've done fairly well, I'm now a partner in a city firm and the main earner in our family. I don't think I told them I had made partner for about 6 months. Zero interest except to sometimes express disapproval that my children were "farmed out" to nursery.

In contrast my sister has a nice little part time job and parents are always raving about her lovely children, what a great mother she is etc. They do sometimes talk about how well her husband is doing in his career and occasionally ask my husband about his. But mine is never mentioned. I've given up caring.

I agree with all the PPs have said about family children being more interesting than careers. But in my case (might also apply to you) there's a strong element of sexism/championing of traditional values i.e. married women with children should support their husband's career, not focus on their own.

Sorry, that was long but wondered if it might ring true.

Aha, cross posted with @AgeingDoc who said similar (but more eloquently).

I think that unless your family generally does meals or sends cards to celebrate professional milestones, you’re being a bit unrealistic. It wouldn’t happen in my family. My parents have five fairly successful children — I think we have something like 14 degrees between us, but they left school at 13, and have never really seen the point of education. In their minds, aspirational girls leave school and do a secretarial course. Four of us are childfree, too.

@Hari223 firstly, congratulations. It's incredibly hard to make a career work and for what it's worth, I really appreciate your achievement, whatever it may be 😊

Secondly, unfortunately, I think this is really common. I have one professional contact in her 50s whose father apparently didn't give a shit about anything that she did. When she got married recently, he actually said to her "oh my God, you finally achieved something."

It's bloody shocking, but there it is. I also think we should be very far past the generation who only cares about marriage and kids, but the sad truth is we're not. And maybe people will always be like that.

Until recently, I was quite stressed out about various personal circumstances that had led me to be quite lonely. I've been on a massive mission to meet people - and it's been a surprise to me to find I am
bored by it, as people are mostly focused on their families. Don't get me wrong - I have met a few people who aren't consumed by that. But it's only a few.

That's a whole separate comment. I don't want to hijack your thread. But I'm really sorry that you're not getting the input that I think could have been expected from parents. I appreciate that people may not understand the detail of someone else's career. But someone who is really close to you should be taking an interest and I'd think a milestone warrabts a card and flowers.

that said, in general I think people don't get excited about stuff generally these days. Look what happens here on MN if someone over 18 expects a birthday card.

please don't let it detract from your own enjoyment. I know it's easier said than done.

'I just wish they would recognise that it's a hugely significant thing for me'

I hear you, and from your other posts, it sounds like this is not the first time you have felt like this. You're not expecting a parade or a party, just a heartfelt acknowledgement that you've had some success that you've worked hard for, that you deserve it, and that they're chuffed for you. It's really not much to ask for, and it really hurts when your parents let you down like this

It's disappointing to read so many comments in the same vein on here, as if it's childish and immature to expect some pride and acknowledgement from your own parents. But oh no, it's not a baby, so who cares 🙄

Do they show more interest and care in things your dsis that doesn’t directly impact them? If they do then that’s bad form but if they are not that interested then either maybe they are just very blinkered about anything they are not directly a part of? As a mother I am interested in everything my kids achieve so I really feel for you if you feel unseen.

My MIL describes my job as for “pocket money”. I am a solicitor and now earn more than her son not sure how that is similar to a paper round but there you go.

it would never occur to me to take DC out for. meal or even send a card for a promotion, and I’ve never heard of anyone else doing it for their DC!

DS joined our profession. When he gets a promotion, we know exactly what it means; but in the scale of exciting events, it’s about 1/100 and DDIL getting pregnant is 100/100! DS being a manager/senior manager/director…..he got a pay rise, but more work and responsibilities. Nice for him and DDIL, but it makes no difference to us? DGC bring us joy every time we see them, and we love the bones of them - and it’s reciprocated by DGC.

I see our own lives the same way! Work achievements are a five second wonder; nothing compared to falling in love with DC when they were born, and watching them develop!

My goodness some of you have shit parents (and below-ground-level expectations of them).

Yes, a pregnancy/child is an ongoing and evolving event so you'd expect more continuing discussion than for a promotion. But shouldn't a good parent want their child to be happy? And take note of things that make them happy.

I agree with the PP who mentioned sexism - not acknowledging the out-of-home achievements of women is a societal problem, so of course a lot of parents will be caught up in it. But it being common doesn't make it OK. We shouldn't 'just learn to accept it'. And I'm lost for words about the PP who think her academic career is being 'some sort of secretary'.

Well done on your achievement, @Hari223. I'm glad you have some people in your life who appreciate you and what you do, and I'm sorry your parents aren't among them.

A career achievement is meaningful for you but dr doesn't affect them at all, whereas a grandchild will.

I know that feeling. I was always the high earner when I was working - my salary was 3 times my husband's at one point - and even now I'm retired my income is not much less than his. Yet according to his parents I had a little part time job and he has a Big Important Career. I mean he is successful in his own career and he's not a pauper or anything, but my financial contribution to our lives is totally ignored by his family. His parents I can kind of forgive due to their age, but his younger sister recently asked him how he had chosen my car and what it cost. I don't think she believed it when he replied that she'd have to ask me since I chose my own car and he didn't know how much I'd spent on it.
I find it very depressing that so many other women are stuck in this kind of mindset and don't seem to even recognise the issue.
And I have children who I do love very much. But they don't define me.

While I agree with HunsandRoses expliantion - I do know what you mean and how jarring it is - and we were the parents who kids were getting attention.

DH is an only child so had all his parents focus till we had first then they had no interets despite edcuation and carrer stuff going on for him - he laughed it off but they weren't subtle.

I started a qualifcation pre marriage let along kids and was finishing it when they were young - and it went from encouragement to polite interest to hostile question about why I was bothering - it felt at time like dig for me wanting a role outside motherhood.

Speaking to friends - some of who had first GC others who siblings had seem to be a common reaction with first time grandparents it often fades a bit with time.

Congratulations on your milestone, I hope you treated yourself in some way.

I think it's natural that we over-praise things that aren't rewarded in other ways. Work is rewarded both by being paid and in the job itself, so we don't make as much fuss. I've seen more praise in my office for someone bringing in a fantastic cake than doing their job well. It's the only recognition the cake will get, so it sort of makes sense.

People also have different achievements they can relate better to, some will comment that someone's garden looks amazing, someone else on a parkrun PB - do your parents genuinely appreciate the different milestones at your work? Maybe they just assumed you are so good at your job that it's an obvious next step.

Be happy for your sister, she's done nothing and there's a very real chance that there'll be times your DPs get on her nerves by comparing your work success to her life, you just won't hear it.

' A career achievement is meaningful for you'

Well that's the whole point, isn't it? Is it too much to expect your parents to be happy and proud when you achieve something, even if it doesn't impact their lives in the way that a grandchild does? The OP is asking for a bit of recognition, not anything more

The message couldn't be louder on this thread that NOTHING can ever be as important as having a baby. Extra disappointing on the MNers without children board

I love my DDs equally. One has children, the other does not. I'm at pains to treat them the same, and if anything I have more in common with the child-free one.

But though I show an interest in both their careers, it wouldn't occur to me to send them a card when they get a promotion or anything like that.
Coincidentally, child-free daughter had some huge recognition at work last week, and called me too tell me. I was thrilled for her and told her so. But it didn't occur to me to send her a card or take her for a meal. We just don't do that for career stuff. Ultimately none of us really understand or have experience of each others work life, so everything is at some kind of distance.

But when your child is pregnant of course you're more involved. You're concerned about their health, and everyone is excited about this new person to come. Child free (by choice) siblings and all.

Two of my siblings have children and so does my brother-in-law. My parents and in-laws never behaved like that and would have been ashamed to be caught out favouring the parents over the non-parents among their children. It wasn't a question of not valuing grandchildren; my MiL in particular would have liked more and was disappointed that we opted not to have children. But they all had the emotional intelligence to separate what they wanted from how much they loved and valued us. It's not rocket science.