How are you coping with a long working life with no parental leave breaks?

[SorryAswad]

I've been working since I was 25.
I'm now 40.
Retirement age is likely to be at least 70 by the time I get there.
So I'm looking at another 30 years of work.

I won't have children. So, aside from annual leave allowance and unless I take unpaid sabbatical, the coming 30 years is just a long old unbroken stretch of sameness.

While parental leave is very hard work, it's still a fracture and change in that monotony of a long working life. Without the prospect of children, and so without the prospect of that change, working life feels long and overwhelming.

I know I could change jobs but that's not my point. I quite like my job. Even if I did change jobs, the fundamental is still the same - 9 to 5, week after week, month after month for the next thirty years with nothing different, no temporary change, on the horizon.

I wonder how others feel about this and cope with it?

If it is any comfort to the childless I started full time work in 1983 and have NOT had leave for babies. Baby no. 1 took 2 wqeeks of my annual leave (in those days you needed 2 years of service at the same employer to get the 6 weeks at 90% pay which in 1984 and in 2024 is still all that many women get when having a baby other than much lower pay after week 6 off); baby no. 2 - new job same issue - 2 weeks off; baby no. 3 3rd employer - same issue - although they did pay me for 2 weeks plus my 2 weeks of annual leave. Then the twins - I was self employed so taking work calls the next day, no leave. Now work for myself and will only have state pension at age 67 so will work until I die probably.

I graduated aged 20 although had first holiday job aged 17 so not exactly idle in university years and finished post grad law aged 21 so been working for over 40 years full time now and will probably do another 20 at least. The only glimmer of hope is that NI stops when I reach age 67 although just my luck that the last Government was gradually reducing it anyway to wither on the vine ....

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not at all suggesting that maternity leave is easy. I'm honestly really not. And I'm absolutely not resentful of parents who get time away from work.
But it's different.
It's a change of tempo.
A change of routine.
A change of priorities.
It's hard but its still time at home with your family - albeit that particular member is very dependent and very hard work at that time.

A bit like what @LottieMary and @IglooLists mean.

My workplace stopped offering sabbaticals a few years. You can ask for unpaid leave or flexible or part-time working but I've never known anyone be granted those things "just because".

As I said before you can ask for a sabbatical but no guarantee you will be granted it. Unlike maternity leave it is not a statutory right.

It sounds to me like it’s less about the “breaks” and more about the milestones and sense of direction. Kids bring these milestones with them! So perhaps you need to set yourself some long term plans - promotion, buying a house, renovating, saving for a big holiday, birthday, sabbatical, etc, studying for a qualification, learning a new hobby… I totally get what you mean about the future looking very long and samey (though I do have kids, so they’re not necessarily the answer!).

Just like not everyone is lucky to take maternity leave, since statutory pay is so low? It works both ways...

Even if I did change jobs, the fundamental is still the same - 9 to 5, week after week, month after month for the next thirty years with nothing different, no temporary change, on the horizon.

There's your problem, thinking that it has to be this way. I don't have children. I work a compressed 9 day fortnight, so I get a day off every two weeks. And in the next few years I'm planning to take a sabbatical of between 3 and 6 months and go down to part time hours (likely 4 days) when I return. All perfectly affordable with a bit of planning and budgeting since, y'know, I don't have any dependents costing me anything.

Sorry, OP. I did find that your title in combination with the topic area suggested a focus on the unfairness of maternity leave being offered to those who have babies, but I appreciate this may not be how you meant it.

That said, nothing in my post was meant unkindly! I think it's important to focus on the fact that there are options for a break available to you other than having a baby (which is not much of a break - but is indeed a change!)

OP - I have dcs so not really have a right to comment on this board, but I get it, and think some posters are being deliberately difficult pretending they don’t.

Mat leave itself isn’t a break - mainly because the first bit when you are on 90% pay and the baby sleeps, for both of mine I spent the first 6 weeks in pain, recovering from what was massively horrible medical events that a couple of hundred years ago would have killed me (hurrah for modern medicine, blood donors and the NHS!).

But - it was a pause, a time to reassess. After dc2, like many woman without free family childcare, my wage and train costs were about equal to my salary, so I deciding if I should work or not was an option as it made fuck all difference to our household income (dh earned too much for any gov help, we predated the 30 hours thing).

Lots of woman I know at that point stopped for a few years, retrained, changed careers, spent a few years at home.

Childcare taking all your wage is a freeing moment - because you get to think “do I actually enjoy this? Is this what I want to do with my life?” Without the “but money” pressure.

So OP if you think if you took a sabbatical you’d not return to your current job- that tells you that if you did have dcs and had that break, you’d be one of the many women who use that forced stop to reassess and do something else with your life.

30 years is a long time to be doing the wrong thing in the wrong place. time to find a new career where if you had been that mum faced with “but all my wage goes on childcare, do I want to work for nothing to keep this career going?” Would answer a big “yes! I love this job.”

Yes there is something in that. I always tell people in RL to start planning for early retirement, if that’s what they want.

You could always work as a baby nurse or in a creche for a few months if you want to recreate a teeny bit of what maternity leave is like.

I have a few kids and still feel the need for a sabbatical. But its just not practical with a family. You are in a much better postion to take one.

I wasn’t sure if this was a serious suggestion but if so how is doing paid work looking after someone else’s child anything like recreating maternity leave? 😵‍💫

I’m sure the staff who come back from maternity to work in a crèche certainly don’t see it as any kind of continuation of their own maternity leave!

ETA: OP - I have dcs so not really have a right to comment on this board, but I get it, and think some posters are being deliberately difficult pretending they don’t.

indeed @FancyBiscuitsLevel thanks for posting so respectfully on the childfree board. I don’t understand some of the responses OP has been getting.

I'm sure you'll more than make up for the nine months of sleepless, nipple bleeding mat leave with all of those lovely relaxing childfree holidays you can go on.

I had children but will still have worked for 49 years by state retirement age. I do think if you haven't had children you should have had more opportunities to increase earnings with maybe the chance to retire at a younger age. You are still only 40 so could you maybe do that?

What did you do from 16/18 to 25, out of interest?

Edit: Ignore me - I didn't see there was a third page of comments.

I think you need to think about what you want from your life instead of focussing on what you perceive others to have.

I don't think maternity leave/parental leave is the break you think it is. It's work of a different kind. It certainly isn't time to spend just doing stuff for yourself. So in that sense, your life is no different to someone's who went back to work after mat leave. You could argue that a change is as good as a rest and that mat leave falls into that category in which case change your job, or take a 6-month sabbatical.

I can't afford holidays. Just because someone doesn't have children doesn't mean they're not struggling with the cost of living.

yeah this makes perfect sense, and pretty much what I assumed.

unfortunately not everyone will read your update and no doubt many more will keep asking what you’ve been doing before 25 🥹😂

NRTFT so sorry if I’m duplicating! Adoption leave has been a thing since 2003 when it was 26 weeks. I think it was April 2015 when it was brought in line with maternity leave.

You could use the extra time you have to improve your employment options.

Mat leave isn't a holiday or a break it's nine months of physical recovery and intensive baby rearing followed by back to work and 18 years without complete independence. A choice I willingly made.

If you or the OP aren't happy with your jobs or lifestyle, do something to change that, rather than bemoan your lack of maternity leave as a 'break'. Childbirth nearly killed me FWIW and I lost £26k in a year. I don't frame that as oh those lucky people who didn't have babies didn't nearly die and have more money than me. It's a very odd perspective.

No you’re not duplicating. Thanks for the info!.

I have no idea when that other poster adopted her child for her to say it was just a month or two as it sounded like her child was still young 🤨I can only imagine she was in another country that have different laws but she hadn’t mentioned that.

Is this just another manifestation of a mid life crisis? Though do seem to handling it far more maturely than buying a motorcycle and having an affair.

It’s ok to want to something different, is part time an option? I know you said you like your job but is it a comfort and safety version of liking it rather than a passionate version?

Can you take your annual leave at half pay to stretch it out? Can you try a different career for a change? House swap with someone for a year? If you are financially ok there are so many things you can do. Different workplaces have different programs and incentives. At my government job in Aus there is something where you can work at 80% pay for four years and then take a paid year off. If I could afford to do it I would jump at the chance and spend a couple of months in Italy. Even if they don’t officially offer something like that if you could afford it you could set up another account and do it yourself

Won't you have a pension when you retire?

I save all the money I would have spent on raising children for an early retirement. This helps sustain me through the work medium. As does enjoying the weekend/evening freedom of being childfree without having to tend to others' needs.

I have a well paid public sector job, but I live alone post divorce in London. Money is tight and things are expensive. It's not as simple as just upping and finding another job. I've never said I'm unhappy with my lifestyle, I just simply can't afford a career break as I'm on my own.

I also never once said maternity leave was a holiday. I was simply pointing out to another posted that the stereotype of childfree people swanning off on holiday at the drop of a hat simply isn't true in all cases.

Similarly, I have friends who have loved every moment of their maternity leave, but I understand this isn't the case for all women.