Childfree by choice but sad

[Tuftily]

Posted on the MNers without children board

I'm childfree by choice, but I feel immense sadness at the thought of not having a family when I'm older, and wondered if anyone can relate/reassure?

I'm absolutely not suited to being a mum to dependent children but I'm very lucky to be very close to my parents and siblings and love the relationship I have with them now we are all independent adults. Christmas always highlights how my life will differ from my parents' lives when I'm their age (late 60s).

It's literally the only thing which makes me wobble about having kids (although it's probably too late now and a terrible reason to have them!)

Thanks so much for your replies everyone, they've really helped! I'm think I'm so focused on the relationship I have with my parents that I forget that they themselves have other relationships and support in their lives, that hopefully I will have when I'm older too.

I think its a nice fantasy similar to the one lots of people have about having babies and small kids, to have a large loving family about you as you get old but it doesn't always work out like that. I adore my parents but as they get older its actually really sad to see them decline and its frustrating for everyone as they decline and need more help. In the fantasy the elderly relative is receptive and is grateful for your help but in reality they can be stubborn, ungrateful and so on.

I think for me it comes down to what it always has, I don't want to look after a baby, toddler or small child 24/7 and the thought of it has always felt like a prison sentence to me so I won't have them, one of the outcomes of this is that I won't have adult kids or grandchildren but I feel ok with that. Hopefully by the time I am so old I can no longer be independent I can check in to a swish end of life clinic and get put to sleep.

@Strawberriesandpears One runs a knitting club - they’ve been doing it for about 20 years and there are 5 of them that rotate the responsibility. They meet at a pub every week. Some have children and some don’t but it goes to show after a certain age the children leave the nest and they socialise with eachother.

Another is in her 70s and she doesn’t run the classes but is the most social person I know. Invites me to sewing, knitting, stitch and bitches and gets around a lot. Always at museums, theatres but she is just super social and worked on community projects when she was working in her career.

My creative writing teacher is childfree and is in her 60s. Launched a book last year. She used to teach creative writing. Which eventually became a freelance gig. At her launch - despite not being tech savey she filled a room with people she has impacted at her book launch with the help of a family friends daughter.

Im so inspired by these woman and know them all and I think they are testament of what a life doing what you love and meeting people along the way can be so so fulfilling.

I honestly think many people have children because they're worried about when they get older. It's great that you're strong enough to recognise it's not for you even though you feel this way. Realistically there's no guarantee if you did have kids as you might not be close to them anyway or they could move away etc etc.

Thank you so much for sharing these examples - all really inspiring.

If you have sibling you'll always have family though. My great aunt, child free, probably not by choice, was like a nan to me and a mum to my mum ( her niece) and was a central member of our family until she died. Infact she was my favourite most loved family member.

Sadly, I don't have any siblings which is a great sadness to me. I can see how it can provide lovely relationships. It's actually part of the reason I won't be having children (I am older, and don't want any child of mine to end up as an only).

Yes I feel very grateful to have siblings - and the fact that I have close relationships with them, which I'm aware is not to be taken for granted.

I attended a funeral today. The lady was 90 and had 3 daughters abs lots of grandchildren. They read out her life story written by one of her daughter’s abs played a video of photos of them enjoying life together. It made me feel extremely sad about my future and what my life will look like in old age and what my funeral will be like. Sorry, just had to share that somewhere to someone who might understand.

Honestly though I never felt minded to sacrifice my 20s/30s/40s/50s just to have a nice funeral i won't even be present at.
Sorry, not trying to be flippant or minimise what you're feeling, that genuinely is my take on it.
Having adult children when you're very elderly probably is helpful bit that assumes they're actually near enough to you and willing to help, and it is such a tiny fraction of your overall life and hardly the best bit.

Re the sibling thing though... it's great in theory and is have said the same then one of mine only went and fecking died. But that's one of those things.

I'm sorry you're feeling sad, it's ok to have moments like that.

I suppose if I think ahead to my old age (If I get one) it won't be surrounded by children and grandchildren, that is the consequences of the decision I have made. I hope to have my good friends around, some animals, hobbies, maybe a nice relationship if someone great comes along. That's good enough for me.

I can't help thinking that I know many instances where adult children are not in touch with their parents, have very difficult relationships or live so far away they just have a monthly phone call or whatever. So there are no guarantees.

Incidentally, at my fathers funeral none of us stood up and said lovely things about him, we kept it short and low key. That doesn't mean we didn't love him immensely and miss him loads - some people are just more expressive than others.

@Poppins17 I definitely understand and can relate to what you are feeling.

Regarding your funeral though - you could just opt not to have one. I am an only child so am likely to end up with absolutely no family at all at the end of my life, so I think I will opt for direct cremation.

Thanks for the responses. It’s nice to know there are others in the same situation and to hear other people’s perspectives.

Planning for a future mini community is a perfectly valid and natural reason to want children xx

Didn't see this thread in January but thought I'd add my experience to help some of those of you worrying about being alone. My husband died 3 years ago this week. We had been together for 22 happy years. I was obviously very sad at the time but from say 18 months after I would say I was as happy as I was before he died. I have local friends in my village and other friends in the next town through an interest group. I am still in touch with my husbands parents, sister and my now adult niece/nephew. Nine months ago I met someone throught the interest group and now have a new (child-free of course) partner. So totally not where I expected to be but you adapt better than you think to what life throws at you.

@trimma Aww thank you for sharing this. So sorry to hear about your husband but really pleased that you have managed to find happiness again.

This is a really interesting thread, thank you @Tuftily .

I am in my mid-50s, childfree by choice. It is only in the past few years that I have wavered (albeit much too late) on my choice, all throughout my childbearing years I never once felt broody, never looked at a baby and thought I might like to be a mum, I was always certain and thankful for my decision and hugely thankful that my lovely DH felt the same way.

I think it is completely understandable that as time marches on and the later years are looming to wonder if indeed you made the right choice and it is painful to think that perhaps you did not. I did go through a period of wondering this and largely, for me, it was as a result of losing my dad, knowing how much we loved him and cared for him in his illness, how it strangely brought us together, and knowing I won't have a child to feel that way about me or to advocate for me in the way that we did for dad.

However, I am somewhat out of this 'place' now and back to feeling more sure that I am on the right path for me. While I do sometimes look with a touch of envy on friends with families around them, I know that the life they had for 20 + years was not for me. Children are wonderful, it's not that I don't "like" them (what a strange notion, to "like" or "dislike" people based purely on age) but I never felt like it was the life for me. I love a quiet home, not much comings and goings. DH and I do lots together but also lots apart. I love exercising and walking and do some classes. There is a Womens Shed near where I live which I recently joined and even a Senior Centre (for over 55s!) which tons of activities going on - I haven't yet joined this but absolutely will in the coming years (if I am lucky enough to still be around). I enjoy company but I love coming home to my quiet house too.

I am lucky in that I have DH and a great sister (no nieces or nephews) and a few great friends, 2 of whom are also childless) but yes one day I may well be alone.

I think all you can do is to accept the choice you made back then was the right choice for you and that, while it comes with some downsides, the other choice would not have led to a 'perfect' life either - life ebbs and flows, sometimes it feels 'right', sometimes maybe not so much. Learning to accept 'what is' helped me throughout dad's illness, rather than wishing for 'what is not'.

I am, for the most part, back in a place of enjoying my life, enjoying moments and not giving too much thought to tomorrows.

@Wishimaywishimight Thank you for your honest reply, it really resonates with me. I'm very much a forward planner, can't just live in the moment so although I'm happy being childfree now, I suspect I will feel a degree of sadness in the future. But I guess it's just another human emotion. I might be feeling sad or stressed or frustrated if I had children!

@Tuftily I am a forward planner too. I hate that my future loneliness is something I can't really 'solve'. It really gets to me.

I know this thread is a bit older, but can I just say thank you so much for starting it and for the replies - I’ve been feeling anxious lately about being childfree - lots of future catastrophising and this has made me feel much better! Also, I think someone said they were near Oxford? I’m near Reading - I’d be up for meeting people if anyone is near :)

I don't really think about it as it's something I'll deal with when the time comes.

I've known many older women who are divorced or windowed by themselves as they're older. Not everyone has a good relationship with their children. In fact loneliness is endemic with elderly people.

My aunt was widowed and got dementia and her siblings rallied round. She's now in a home and doing very well. Her siblings visit her often.

Yes true having a child or two is no guarantee of companionship etc.

I agree with this - there are so many unknowns when it comes to having children. They could be ill/busy with their own lives/living too far away to help you when the time comes. Being able to continually forge new friendships and relationships is the most important skill to have in life imo, and one I am trying to cultivate (difficult as a shy introvert!). There are always kind people to get to know who will care 🙂

Definitely related to the feelings you are having OP!

Does anyone else also feel a sense of loss and isolation from all your friends having kids and being the only childfree couple in your circle? I absolutely think not having kids is the right choice for us, but more than being worried about dying alone I feel worried about drifting apart from all of my friends with children and not having anyone to go on adventures with anymore.

Anyone else relate?

I am not child free, but am recently retired, whilst we love our family we do not live in each others pockets.

We have joined the U3a. This is an organisation for people over 55, who are mainly retired.

It relies on volunteers to run groups and sessions for others to socialise, be entertained and learn. It is a lifeline for those who are single or widowed with or without children. We joined as a couple, but we are never short of things to do , and we have both made so many new friends. It is a national organisation and has branches in almost every town and village. Just an idea for an avenue to explore.