Childfree by choice but sad

[Tuftily]

Posted on the MNers without children board

I'm childfree by choice, but I feel immense sadness at the thought of not having a family when I'm older, and wondered if anyone can relate/reassure?

I'm absolutely not suited to being a mum to dependent children but I'm very lucky to be very close to my parents and siblings and love the relationship I have with them now we are all independent adults. Christmas always highlights how my life will differ from my parents' lives when I'm their age (late 60s).

It's literally the only thing which makes me wobble about having kids (although it's probably too late now and a terrible reason to have them!)

I feel the same. I am an only child too, so could be completely on my own in the future. I feel really scared about it to be honest. The only thing that brings me any comfort is that I am hoping to live in a retirement village when I am older, which will give me some companionship and support.

I understand what you're saying Op, that feeling of being surrounded by family is very comforting. Sadly I've lost a lot of my immediate family now and it does leave a gap in your life, a lot of people at work have DC and now DGC and that seems to fill the gap the parents left. I'm not saying rush out and have a DC, I've filled the gap with good friends, hobbies and my partner and an appreciation of the things I enjoy. When I hear about the endless babysitting and school runs I'm glad I chose to be CF, apart from work my time is my own and I make it count.

@Daleksatemyshed That's a really good and balanced reply, thank you. May I ask, how did you go about making good friends? Have you known them since childhood? I am 36 and fear I have left it too late to develop a good network of close friends.

Ah that's the other thing though - I'm terrible at making friends 😂

I do have a few friends but my parents and siblings (and partner) are the people I love the most and feel most comfortable around. Not sure I'll ever be able to replicate that with friends sadly.

I understand what you mean OP, I have realised in the last few years dealing with my elderly parents that me and my sister are the ones looking out for them, and they have depended on us more and more. Which is something I won't have. I know I don't want children, but sometimes think maybe I will adopt grown up children when I'm old 🙂

In reality though my family ties are difficult, I'm not close with my siblings, my sister and I will definitely drift apart when my parents are gone, and my brother has been no contact with the whole family for years. Also neighbour of mine lives alone without either of her two grown up children ever visiting. So you never really know how things will turn out. There are many unhappy families out there.

I think this time of year is when we contemplate all sorts of stuff, and it brings up childhood memories etc. Go easy on yourself.

@Strawberriesandpears it's a mixture, friends from work, from hobbies and a lovely group of old school friends. I wasn't that good at making friends as a child but it's a skill you can work on.

I think I'd like to adopt some adult children when I'm older too!

I’m not sure there are any big decisions you can make in life where one choice has absolutely no downside. I’ve made an active decision, over and over again, not to pursue career success and climbing the ladder at the expense of work/life balance and day to day happiness. It’s been the right decision for me, I don’t regret it exactly. I still feel sad that I don’t have a six figure salary and fancy title, but I feel sad while knowing if I’d gone that way I would be less happy now.

Even if you are not super-skilled in social cues or an extrovert, if you are a good person, there will always be some people who will be interested in being your friend, and you will find your crowd eventually. Have you ever thought of joining a choir? Anecdotally, I know so many people who have built up wonderful friendships through music.

As PPs said, this is a rough time of year. We have just been assailed with constant stories and images of the happy arrival of a newborn and with constant ads of laden tables full of joyful families. Take good care of yourself, and evaluate your feelings in a couple of months again to see if you still feel this way.

Sorry, OP, I don't get it. I'm a similar age to your parents, childfree by choice, and the relief is immense. All of my friends with adult children spend lots of time stressing and worrying about them - it's never-ending!
In my view, families are overrated, often difficult, and I would much rather spend my declining years with a handful of friends or alone - bliss!

I agree with this.

There are many many parents who struggle with various aspects of having made the choice to have kids. So why would it be different for people to have difficulties with their choice to remain child free. Every choice has its pros and cons. Christmas is a tough time for many for many reasons. Thankfully it's over for another year!

@LoobyDop is quite right, every choice has an upside and a down. There's a lot of posts on here from parents whose DC haven't turned out how they hoped, DC who fail to launch, who use their DP's for money, who take to drugs and violence and will be a life long problem but that's the chance you take, not every one will get the lovely, happy DC they hoped for. Some of us CF people will have years of freedom but may be lonely later on. You pays your money and yiu takes your choice

Thank you for all your replies, I do feel better. Agree that every choice has it's pros and cons - I need to remember that.

@guinnesschocolatecake A choir / music group is a good suggestion. I do have some musical talent I could work on.

I imagine something like being part of a brass band could help develop a sense of being part of a 'family' of musicians.

I think what I am looking for is connection, belonging, company (as to not feel so alone in the world) and to be liked / loved.

I hear you OP. I'm more relieved all the time that I don't have children, but there is fear and sadness too. I get a bit envious of parents and how full their lives seem, even though I know the reality of it would suffocate me within a week!

VERY good points upthread about how there is no 'perfect' decision - there are positives and negatives to everything. Important to be able to acknowledge your whole range of feelings I think

@Lottapianos Your posts are always so thoughtful and well written. May I ask, what causes the fear for you? Is it thoughts of old age?

Thank you @Strawberriesandpears , that's a lovely thing to say 😊

yes, for me it's old age, and potentially losing my DP and being on my own. I don't have any close relationships with my own family. I do have friends but again, either we're not super close or they have their own families. And of course I know that having children in no way guarantees that you won't be lonely or sad in older years! It's all just fear of the unknown I guess. It doesn't dominate my thoughts but it's there all the same

@Lottapianos You're welcome.

Same here. I am an only child (as is my partner). I worry for the both of us, as one of us will be left all alone. And to be honest, at the moment it is dominating my thoughts and I don't know how to make myself feel calmer about it all.

Hi - happy new year!

I don’t have kids.. just a partner and dog (who is brilliant at opening Christmas presents.. she appreciates what we bought her and even gobbled her sprouts at Christmas dinner!)

I completely understand the feeling, and the romantic in me would love a little ‘hallmark’ or ‘instagram’ family…. BUT then I reflect on reality ….. I have a sister in her mid 30s who is apparently an adult in a ‘proper’ job, owns a house etc. Yet, on Christmas Day she moaned relentlessly about the quality of gifts my parents bought her (not cheap, but not what she wanted…. She dropped zero hints & doesn’t communicate). She left the meal my mum stressfully lovingly cooked and then fell asleep on the sofa…. She behaved like a brat.…. She’s never hosted Christmas (I have several times).

Nothing in life is guaranteed …. I’d just try to appreciate the family you currently have (which sounds lovely!).

I lost all my immediate family by 40 so I understand it being a worry not to have your own kids. I have good friends

Hi,

I have had several proxy grannies over the years and I have really loved those relationships. Have you considered making friends with a Mum nearby who is struggling and far from her own family? It could be really good.

I have one child and one proxy child too, which is very nice. I think the trick is to make it clear that the door is always open and the kettle is always on.

The saddest thing about lockdown for me was that while actual families locked down together, all my lovely proxy relatives had to stay away. It really wasn't the same without them.

'And to be honest, at the moment it is dominating my thoughts and I don't know how to make myself feel calmer about it all.'

Uncertainty about the future is a tough one, and nobody is immune. The grief I would feel without my DP in my life really scares me, but I do feel fairly confident that I would eventually make new relationships and friendships. My mother and MIL both expected their children to make them happy, and make up for the gaps in their lives, and it did not work out, they just drove us all away instead. I'm glad I won't be inflicting that on anybody

@Lottapianos My Grandma was a bit like that. She lived about 10 years longer than my Grandad and she spent much of that time being miserable and doing little. She seemed to deliberately isolate herself from her friends and social groups, despite being in good health and perfectly mobile. She had hobbies she could have engaged in too, but instead just sat around watching TV repeats. It seemed quite sad to me.

I am hoping to live in a retirement village when I am old, especially if I no longer have my partner. They seem to offer a good range of activities I would really enjoy.

I’m in my 30s, childless, single and estranged from my family - so I feel like I have some insight. It is very tough@ but you develop a resilience to it. Found family has proven better for me than biological but of course most people prioritise their own nuclear family over their mates. So you learn to get good at being cool with your own company.

I do recommend making as many friends as humanely possible, though. It’s just nice to feel like you’re not totally alone.

Honestly you'd have no guarantee that your children would be in the same city or even country as you when you're elderly anyway. I immigrated thousands of miles from my parents, and all of my PILs three children live in different cities or countries to them now.

Plus the parent worry never seems to stop. Keeping it vague but SIL is having major life issues at present and my MIL is a constant ball of worry and very tearful a lot of the time. I'd envisage a far more relaxing retirement without adult children to fret about, or feel sad about not hearing from regularly enough.