Childfree by choice but sad

[Tuftily]

Posted on the MNers without children board

I'm childfree by choice, but I feel immense sadness at the thought of not having a family when I'm older, and wondered if anyone can relate/reassure?

I'm absolutely not suited to being a mum to dependent children but I'm very lucky to be very close to my parents and siblings and love the relationship I have with them now we are all independent adults. Christmas always highlights how my life will differ from my parents' lives when I'm their age (late 60s).

It's literally the only thing which makes me wobble about having kids (although it's probably too late now and a terrible reason to have them!)

@Strawberriesandpears I'm child free by choice, only child, my husband is older than me and I've been fearing being alone. I work in a hospital and have spoken to several much older people who haven't had kids, or had and everyone has outlived them. They all tell me they're very happy. They have friends they meet volunteering or at community events for older people etc... it's made me feel less afraid.

@rainpleasestop Aww thank you for sharing that. That's so reassuring to hear. Would you mind me chatting with you via DM? I think I would find it really helpful to speak to someone in the same position. Thank you again!

@Strawberriesandpears yes, please do. At work all weekend but will answer when I can

I'd envisage a far more relaxing retirement without adult children to fret about, or feel sad about not hearing from regularly enough.

Which is exactly what we are having. I thank fate every day that I don’t have adult children to worry about. Plus, parents often say they’ll get their freedom back when the children are grown, but quite often ime they never really do.

Hi everyone, I just wanted to say that I relate to a lot of the posts on here.
making connections with others is really hard as adults, especially when your peer group is busy having children or they have close family. I’ve never been close to family (emotionally distanced parents who looking back weren’t ready for children) and even in my teens/ twenties my friends at the time couldn’t understand how that was so or why I would spend birthdays alone or have no support during tough times.
even though it doesn’t combat the fear of loneliness in old age, I’ve started just doing things that I enjoy, and have taken the pressure off forming new friendships a bit. For example, I’ve joined a walking group. If I make friends great- if not I’ve still had a good day out and had good conversations those few hours. In time these things build up and life is fuller (I hope!).

Feel like I’ve finally found my people.

I very much wanted kids 15 years ago, but infertility and a couple of losses and we chose to be child free rather than explore other options.

My DH is older than me, we have a dog and enjoy a nice life. As it turns out the older I’ve got the more I realise how wonderful our child free life is, however, there are 2 things that make me question our choices.

The first is how I’ve deprived my parents from being grandparents. They have been wonderful parents and I know they would have made wonderful grandparents too.

The second is being lonely when I’m older. Obviously nothing saying I will outlive DH just because he’s older, but if I do then I worry who I will have to rely on, who will help me in my old age, who will I spend Christmas with. Probably very silly and maybe selfish things to think about, and I know there’s no guarantee your children would be there for you, but our situation still makes me think about how my life will look when I’m old.

Thanks for starting this thread OP.

@Poppins17 Are you an only child too? I am and potentially ending up alone in life is a big fear of mine. Have you thought about where you might like to live when you are older? I have my eye on a retirement village where I would have company and support. It is very expensive to live in such a place, but I am doing my best to save money towards it, as it would solve some (if not most) of the practical problems of old age without children.

I’m not an only child but my only sibling lives the other end of the company so don’t see them very often, they are in a same sex relationship so no chance of nieces/nephews.

We have a couple of places where we live that are low key retirement villages, not as fancy and not as many communal activities going on, but I think I’d be happy with one of those.

Id like to think I could join some groups, maybe a choir and craft group to meet people in my old age, but who knows.

Sounds like you had a good, solid plan! ☺️

@Poppins17 Thank you. I don't know how solid my plans are though - I do still worry! I like music, singing and crafts too so would also hope to find some groups to join.

Do you have many close friends? That is something I am going to try to work on.

I'm not childfree, so apologies for posting here, but I just wanted to say, that my auntie is childfree by choice, but she has always seen me regularly, and we have a great relationship. She is a fabulous great auntie to my children too, who just see her as "auntie" too, and enjoy spending time with her. If you have nieces and nephews, I'd definitely recommend trying to create strong bonds with them as they grow, as it can be a very special relationship (like having a second mum but without all the nagging, and arguments! And for her, the fun parts of spending time with kids, but not having to deal with the bad parts that you do as a parent!) I love my auntie, she's really fab, and has been a great part of my life growing up, and now as an adult. I will always ensure she's included as a big part of our family, and an important part of my children's lives too, as she really put in alot of effort towards me and my siblings upbringing, and I am truly grateful to have her in my life.

@DiaNaranja That's nice that you have such a good relationship. Unfortunately, I am an only child, so no nieces or nephews for me.

I have a couple of friends, but a couple of them I only speak to on WhatsApp and see them maybe twice a year, and the other is older than me.

I lost a lot of my friends when I was younger and struggling with my infertility.

At the moment I don’t know how I’d make time for close friendships, our life is so busy with work, our dog, and just day to day
routines and commitments, as well as prioritising rest (something I promised for myself).

I think when I retire (quite a few years from now) that will be my time to join groups and make friends.

@Poppins17 Same here really. I hope I have more time to build friendships when I retire (a long way to go as I am only 36).

Same, I’m only 39 ☺️

This actually happened in Roman times. When a couple were childless and had no-one to carry on their family line, values, name and so on, they would adopt a younger adult they knew well who would agree to do just that, protect the inheritance and carry on with the family name and traditions. Adopting an infant was rare, because you don't know how they'll turn out!

I'm the same, Childfree by Choice but also sad that I won't have a family of my own. As I grew up in a good family and had a good childhood. But I'd be a terrible parent and find it really stressful. I have a sibling who I'm quite close to and niblings. just lost a parent and my already tiny friends group has seemingly diminished recently for various reasons. Hard to make new friends as an introverted 40 something. Going to try to improve things this year hopefully and have some fun.

There are a few siblings in my family but most live abroad (in Europe). Mum lives very far away from me ad I do not get to see her as often as I would like.

So even though she has children, she is without them 95% of the time.

Last week, on a quick visit, I was struck by the social network she has. The house was so busy with, mainly women, coming and going. Mum is 89. She has friends from the church volunteers, from bridge club, from golf, from a walking club and so on. Of course,I knew this and them before last week, but I paid attention in a different way last week.

Her group is comprised of women who look out for each other in a truly incredible way. In a sense, they are another family she has built, one based in friendship, cooperation and community of spirit.

The women are so varied, some widowed, some never married, some divorced, some with children, some without.

I was really intrigued by it all but also inspired for my own future.

I hope it inspires you too.

I stumbled across this and found it really helpful.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p0fslvd1

This sounds cliche but is there anything you love doing? Like a club or hobby that you can join? I say this as a few of my childfree friends run clubs (some attended and then took on more responsibilities) and they have a very sweet network of people that they’ve “adopted” as extended family.

Of course it feels different to family but community of some kind is important and if you are not as social then maybe finding a hobby is an easier way to socialise.

This is fabulous to hear! Really reassuring. Thank you for sharing!

I would love to hear more examples of older people who are anything but lonely. It's my greatest fear - I imagine sitting alone all day, every day but this just goes to prove that it doesn't have to be that way. I sometimes read the blog of a lady in her 70s who is an only child / widow and has no children and she paints such a negative picture, saying how lonely and alone she is and using words like 'terrified'. It's really affected my mental health and made me think that is what lies ahead for me. She says she has few friends, but I wonder if it is perhaps her personality (seems very negative and has a victim kind of mindset) that has created her situation.

I hope I can be like your Mum @yesmen if I make it to old age! Thank you again for sharing.

That's great to hear too @Orangeandgold Do you have examples of the kinds of clubs they run?

@yesmen Oh I have a few little questions for you, please. Are your Mum's friends a wide variety of ages? And do you know at what point in her life she made her friends? Was it after retirement, for example?

Thank you.

Yes her friends are a wide variety of ages.

Building this network really started when we finished school and moved out. Before that she would not have had time to spin.

She was in her 50s I would think, so before retirement. It was driven by joining clubs and volunteering as I said before - walking, golf and bridge etc.

Also , she lives in a smallish town. I think that helps actually. Meeting someone you would like to be friendly with without the obstacle of a two hour communte kind of thing.

Thank you - that is all very reassuring. I'm currently 36 and have been so worried that I won't be able to develop close friendships this 'late' in life!

Sending you and your Mum my best wishes for many more happy years filled with friends and good company!

Thank you!

It is always hard to image what we will be like in the decades to come!