Do I want a child

[rosetintedmemories2023]

I know this is a question that only I can answer.

I feel like I keep procrastinating and I wonder if its because I really don't want a child. I am from a country which has a low birth rate so the government pursued a very aggressive pro natalist agenda and so I never thought I wouldn't have a child because we were taught we had to. But at the same time, we were raised to have careers and to work FT (even my grandmother worked FT after having her kids; kids were cared for by her mum and nanny; my mum worked till 11 pm everyday in a very stressful corporate environment while my grandma cared for her). So for me, I can't imagine being a stay at home mother and its not something i would ever be comfortable with.

I am 31 this year. I married at 22 straight out of university and as we didn't have much money and were just starting in our careers (and living with family), we naturally didn't TTC. We used the withdrawal method (as I never got on with the Pill) and we never had any accidents so we just continued. And we discussed beforehand, if we had an accident, we would just move out and rent and have the baby. but of course that never happened. I also decided at that time we should stop at one as this would mean only needing to buy a property with 2 bedrooms as well as paying for childcare once, and possibly even giving us the option of private secondary school (if our incomes did increase), and this would also allow us to delay TTC.

We bought our flat when I was 27 in 2019. We still live there. I remember researching school catchents before we bought so i was sincerely thinking that I would TTC once we moved in and were settled. DH isn't very interested in home ownership (honestly he would be happy if he rented for the rest of his life though he does love our flat now irrespective of any kids) so i remember telling him that if we wanted a child, we needed a secure place and not to be at the whims of a landlord.

It has 2 bedrooms and then covid happened so actually it would have been an ideal time to TTC. I felt that it was the wrong time as everything felt quite dystopian and it just felt like the 'wrong time' to bring a child into the world. Also as we were both WFH at that time, i thought that maybe we should buy a bigger flat with a third bedroom for a home office. I now work in the office full time (in a new job) so that is probably less necessary while DH is hybrid. But this made me delay TTC as my reasoning has always been 'buy before having a kid' .

in 2022, we both got pay rises and the increase in income would have allowed us to pay for full time childcare (as it is a total increase of £1600 combined). DH has now secured a new job which has increased our net household income by 10% (as the new employer pays non contributory pension). But yet due to inflation and the increase in mortgage interest rates, I am still not actively trying because I feel like we could both increase our wages soon enough which would help us feel more comfortable (in truth despite the inflation and us overpaying our mortgage by £1k per month, we are able to afford luxuries like more holidays compared to the lean years in 2017-2019)

My sister in law has recently had a baby and we met her new baby in 2022. She told me she didn't have the money to afford the baby but just tried anyway (they seem to be paying rent and the baby goes to daycare, so i guess the definition of 'afford' is different to different people and also no idea about the state of their finances). I decided to start using a combination of the rhythm method & withdrawal method in January (bearing in mind we have been using the withdrawal method since 2015 and i have never been close to falling pregnant!) Its July and I am on my period. I am either infertile or really good at the rhythm method! I know that I may have issues with fertility (though DH often reminds me that we haven't actually 'tried') and there are times when I think i need to get it checked out. But yet there are times when I also think it may not be a bad thing if I am infertile because at least that decision on whether or not to have children has been taken out of my hands.

I have talked to DH about this. He is adamant that he would only want a child if I want to. So its my decision.

Thank you for reading and please be kind.

in conclusion I am now unsure if the fact I am procrastinating is because I just want to feel more comfortable or because I really don't want kids. I mean based on my life experience, a few years can make a dramatic change to your financial circumstances and i do believe that its better to have kids when you are 'ready' and since money can solve a lot of problems i.e childcare, outsourcing etc, it may mean that your experience of motherhood as a financially comfortable 34 year old is very different to that of a 26 year old for example.

You haven't actually given a reason for having a child other than it's just what people do.

I've always believed there are three types of women. Those who want children, those who actively don't want children, and those who just don't have that urge to have children. You sound like you might be in that last group.

I suppose the only thing you can do is make a list of pros and cons for having a child then decide if the cons are worth the pros.

I do think my DH would make a great dad and i think our child would be beautiful. I think we could make some lovely memories together as a family.But DH and I make lovely memories together as well, being just the two of us.

When I was growing up i had an idealized version of parenthood (but i guess who hasn't!), because my mum seemed to have it all- great career, beautiful house, two daughters, supportive husband. I wanted to be like her. But as I grew up, i realized i am not her and I certainly don't have the same circumstances as she did. Also her life was very stressful in ways I didn't understand when I was younger.

I guess there is also some element of FOMO. There are always lots of reasons not to take a risk (and having a child is a big risk imho), but at the same time our lives can be enriched by risks. For example marriage is also a big risk, but the best decision I ever made in my life was marry DH. However if one day for whatever reason it turned out not to be a great decision, I can undo that decision (even if I can't undo the many years). Having a child is the one decision you can't undo, unlike career, education, property or even partner.

I also feel like is it an experience i am missing out on because I am too cautious? !

also i used to be obsessed with babies when i was in my teens and early 20s. i still like babies but not as much as I used to. i can be a bit indifferent these days, i wonder why.

Having a child is the one decision you can't undo, unlike career, education, property or even partner.

Exactly. So worst case scenarios - what if you became a single mum for whatever reason? Or if your child had severe special needs and was going to need care into adulthood?

I always thought I would have a huge desire for children but it just didn’t happen. Then someone asked me if I thought I’d be upset if could no longer have children and I thought yes I definitely would. So I had three kids, the first at 34. I really really wanted more once I started.
Looking back dispassionately I would now say that I think I would have been just as happy without them. I adore them obviously but my career has never recovered and I miss not worrying all the time.

May or may not resonate for you, OP, but when I was thinking seriously about whether I wanted children I looked at how much I loved my life and asked myself if I was prepared for it to change massively - having a child obviously changes life so hugely, in big and small ways. I knew I'd have to really really really be craving motherhood to change the lovely life I had! I've never had that powerful urge so I decided not to become a mum, and I've never once regretted that decision.

I'm not hearing a strong urge from you, OP, but you will know what's right for you

Not having kids was the right decision for me too. I’m guessing since the OP posted on the childfree board, that’s the perspective she’s currently interested in.

I don’t think FOMO is a particularly good reason to have a child. There will be things you miss out on if you do have a child. But only you know.

I feel like if I post on other Mumsnet forums, people will remind me of my biological clock and that I need to decide fast because my fertility will plummet. If my main consideration was my fertility then I would probably say yes I should have a child because if I wait until I am ready and then get broody it would be too late. It would be the equivalent of someone waiting for the dream job or dream house not that a baby is the equivalent of a dream job or dream house in the level of responsibility but sometimes in life, I think you just have to make a decision.

At the same time, I don't think rushed decisions are a good idea but yet I don't think you can argue with biology. Yet at the same time, there's are people who can conceive at a later age than 31...

Yup. Freedom. Spontaneity. Child-free weddings. Afternoon naps (I love my naps!). That's why you need to make a list of pros and cons.

People always say there are highs and lows, and that the highs make the lows worth it. But the highs are only highs if it's something you like. If you hate being a mother then it will be hard to find those "highs".

Like what. Genuinely asking. We have had good holidays and many years of romantic couple time (married 8 years).

For me the biggest loss would be freedom. I don’t want to be at the whim of another person without the ability to remove myself from that person, if you see what I mean. I don’t want dependency unless it’s an animal. I want to be able to live my life precisely as I want it. That doesn’t include living with a baby, a small child, a primary school child, a teenager, or an adult child. It doesn’t include paying ££££££ for any of these, and being limited by where I can go, what I can do, where I can live, when I can sleep, etc etc etc.

For parents it’s completely worth it, I get that. And I know that you don’t have to be totally limited forever. For me, this kind of limitation is nightmarish.

There are other things I’d lose too but freedom is the most important.

It makes even the simple day-to-day things harder. You want to go get groceries? Need to fit it in around feeds and nap times. Want to do the housework? Need to plan it around the safety of the kid. You want to meet up with a friend in the afternoon? Need to time it so you can do the school pick-ups. Want to go to the cinema in the evening? Need to sort out a sitter. It impacts every single element of your life. But obviously it's worth it if you actually get some pleasure out of having a child.

I just think for a lot of us childfree (by choice) people, the positive things people get from children aren't things we feel like we need or lack, therefore there just doesn't seem to be a reason or desire to take on all that extra stress.

People always say there are highs and lows, and that the highs make the lows worth it. But the highs are only highs if it's something you like. If you hate being a mother then it will be hard to find those "highs".

Yes, this.

I have 2 children, and I absolutely always knew I wanted them so it wasn’t a hard choice for me - I agree with what a previous poster said about you maybe not having the urge to is something you need to think about. One of my friends when she was the same age as you, who has never wanted children went through the well should I have them/am I running out of time thing and she gave herself a year to see if she still felt like she may want children, in her case she didn’t and she just went through a bit of a panic.
Maybe, don’t put so much pressure on yourself give yourself 6months,a year and if see how you feel then.

Your life will change dramatically, you can try and prepare but it hits you like a sack of shit 😂 children will change your marriage - not necessarily in a bad way but he will no longer be your number 1.
Having children is HARD and of course I miss aspects of my old life, but my urge was strong to have children and most of the time its the best and I’m so happy I had them - sometimes they are little shits and I’m super stressed- but thats personal to me. Its so hard to advise on this one

It really is a tough decision to make so I’d say give yourself sometime you’re still young and seem to be in a good position in life.

all the best for whatever you decide xx

Playing the devil's advocate, do you think you would feel the same way if for example you had a great family network and unlimited money to afford a nanny (and not have it impact your lifestyle). Groceries can be delivered, there are nannies who do the full time pickups and some people do have parents who want to see their grandkids on the weekend.

You can’t contract out of having a child, though. You can have an easier time of it with the right ‘village’ but children are never stress free. They always impact your lifestyle, always.

For someone who wants them, the amount of stress might be offset by that desire. For someone who doesn’t, it’s difficult to find any kind of benefit that would offset it.

You could pay me £60k per year and give me my own ‘village’ - I still wouldn’t have a child.

What I fear most is losing my independence and depending on a man. Yes I know many mothers work and I fully intend to but people keep telling me I might change my mind. This scares the shit out of me. There is full time childcare and DH is very supportive, he says we will pay it no matter what, but at the same time, what if I can't get a childcare place given the shortage! Then I would be stuck and baby is already born..I once called up nursery to check costs and they said no places for the next 3 years (in London). I jokingly asked if I could reserve in advance!

I don't understand how women deal with only working 20 hours and being dependent on the DH (and then end up on the relationships section where it turns out the DH spunked the family money on a lapdancer but he pays the mortgage so she can't leave as she can't afford to buy him out) . I understand there being a wage gap; there was a time when DH was earning twice of what I was earning but at least when I had no DC, there was hope that I could get a better earning job.. and I eventually did. A lot of mothers do manage to hold down careers but at the same time this is dependent on them being able to get full time childcare.

I would still feel the same. I do not want the responsibility of managing nannies or organising sleepovers with grandparents. It's all still extra work. I want to walk around the supermarket myself without any restrictions on my time. I do not want children. I do not have any desire to have them. Never have. My lack of "want" has nothing to do with my lifestyle.

That's very true.

I think I have been schooled to believe that I can have it all - career and a child. And if I don't do it I am not fulfilling my potential and perhaps missing out on happiness.

That's probably a wrong way to look at it?

Surely children will only make you happy if you are unhappy with not having them. Are you unhappy with your life? Unfulfilled? Empty? Those are some of the reasons I see people give for having children.

There is a thread at the moment where a mother is beside herself with grief at the thought of her children growing up. I cannot imagine feeling that, but there are plenty of other people who understand it, so it must be something in a lot of people. Whatever it is that makes women want to be mothers is just not in me.

Only you know yourself if you have that urge or desire to be a mother. Not just have a child because it's what you think you're supposed to do.

My life is so comfortable that I fear throwing a child into the mix. At the same time i think it may be one of those things that is hard for a few years and then gets better. See I have taken risks before, I eloped when I was 22 and it was bloody hard but then became easier as we established ourselves.

I am an accident myself, my parents had me while doing their masters. I think it's wrong to have kids to be fulfilled though cos that is no guarantee. I am thinking perhaps having children allows you to experience happiness in a different way and maybe me dithering about it is like those people who are tentatively dipping their toes in the swimming pool when they should just jump. But at the same time, having a child is irreversible and how would you know you like it before experiencing it.

I have cared for babies before, it is exhausting but I can see myself doing it. What I fear is I think the worry and unpredictability. Children nowadays are born in a very competitive world so responsible parents need to kit them out...DH's worst fear is being like his parents who were a bit clueless and they did stuff like try to cure his epilepsy with homeopathic remedies and they also sent him to an ultra orthodox primary school that taught no English or maths. Also on free school meals and couldn't afford bus fare. DH felt like it was only him against the world but the scary thing is that his parents genuinely believed they were doing the right thing (by their 4 kids).

I know you will say I will not be like that, but then if you met his parents you probably would say the same thing...we wouldn't do the same things exactly of course but the 1990s were a long time ago. We could do something equally ridiculous by 2030s standards.