Do I want a child

[rosetintedmemories2023]

I know this is a question that only I can answer.

I feel like I keep procrastinating and I wonder if its because I really don't want a child. I am from a country which has a low birth rate so the government pursued a very aggressive pro natalist agenda and so I never thought I wouldn't have a child because we were taught we had to. But at the same time, we were raised to have careers and to work FT (even my grandmother worked FT after having her kids; kids were cared for by her mum and nanny; my mum worked till 11 pm everyday in a very stressful corporate environment while my grandma cared for her). So for me, I can't imagine being a stay at home mother and its not something i would ever be comfortable with.

I am 31 this year. I married at 22 straight out of university and as we didn't have much money and were just starting in our careers (and living with family), we naturally didn't TTC. We used the withdrawal method (as I never got on with the Pill) and we never had any accidents so we just continued. And we discussed beforehand, if we had an accident, we would just move out and rent and have the baby. but of course that never happened. I also decided at that time we should stop at one as this would mean only needing to buy a property with 2 bedrooms as well as paying for childcare once, and possibly even giving us the option of private secondary school (if our incomes did increase), and this would also allow us to delay TTC.

We bought our flat when I was 27 in 2019. We still live there. I remember researching school catchents before we bought so i was sincerely thinking that I would TTC once we moved in and were settled. DH isn't very interested in home ownership (honestly he would be happy if he rented for the rest of his life though he does love our flat now irrespective of any kids) so i remember telling him that if we wanted a child, we needed a secure place and not to be at the whims of a landlord.

It has 2 bedrooms and then covid happened so actually it would have been an ideal time to TTC. I felt that it was the wrong time as everything felt quite dystopian and it just felt like the 'wrong time' to bring a child into the world. Also as we were both WFH at that time, i thought that maybe we should buy a bigger flat with a third bedroom for a home office. I now work in the office full time (in a new job) so that is probably less necessary while DH is hybrid. But this made me delay TTC as my reasoning has always been 'buy before having a kid' .

in 2022, we both got pay rises and the increase in income would have allowed us to pay for full time childcare (as it is a total increase of £1600 combined). DH has now secured a new job which has increased our net household income by 10% (as the new employer pays non contributory pension). But yet due to inflation and the increase in mortgage interest rates, I am still not actively trying because I feel like we could both increase our wages soon enough which would help us feel more comfortable (in truth despite the inflation and us overpaying our mortgage by £1k per month, we are able to afford luxuries like more holidays compared to the lean years in 2017-2019)

My sister in law has recently had a baby and we met her new baby in 2022. She told me she didn't have the money to afford the baby but just tried anyway (they seem to be paying rent and the baby goes to daycare, so i guess the definition of 'afford' is different to different people and also no idea about the state of their finances). I decided to start using a combination of the rhythm method & withdrawal method in January (bearing in mind we have been using the withdrawal method since 2015 and i have never been close to falling pregnant!) Its July and I am on my period. I am either infertile or really good at the rhythm method! I know that I may have issues with fertility (though DH often reminds me that we haven't actually 'tried') and there are times when I think i need to get it checked out. But yet there are times when I also think it may not be a bad thing if I am infertile because at least that decision on whether or not to have children has been taken out of my hands.

I have talked to DH about this. He is adamant that he would only want a child if I want to. So its my decision.

Thank you for reading and please be kind.

Not stressing financially is such a big plus, the first few months are hard as it is.

It’s true that fertility is impacted by age but that doesn’t mean you have to decide straight away - you don’t seem sure either way. Maybe controversial but I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer simply because whatever you end up doing will have been the right thing, because it’s what you did. Sounds mad but even including someone like me who always knew I wanted to be a mother, nobody can come close to imagining it unless they do it. And conversely if you become a parent, even though you lived your whole life without children until that point, suddenly it’s impossible to imagine dc not being there. So the ‘other’ experience is always unimaginable. Whichever side you end up on, the grass won’t be greener on the other side of the fence it’ll be sort of blurry… and you’ll wonder wtf the weirdos on the other side see in it 😂 good luck either way x

That’s really not good advice for the OP or something that will be nice to read for regretful parents, of which there are many on mumsnet. It has been mentioned many times on here that comments like that make women who regret having children feel like there is something ‘wrong’ with them.

I know I shouldn’t respond but ffs that’s such a ridiculous stretch.

I’m pretty sure I was one of those posters myself during the very early, hormonal, sleep-deprived phase 🤣🤣

No stranger on the internet can answer this question for you. It's one of the biggest decisions that any person can make and only you can make that decision about what is right for you.

We can only give our own perspectives so here's mine:
I know and understand the feelings of uncertainty on this issue. For some people, they've always known either way what they want or indeed, don't want. For others, it's not so straight-forward.

At 19, I was in the camp of "I'm never having kids," and I was true to that statement for sixteen years. I never wavered once, but once I turned 35 and my nephew was born, I started to question and doubt my position.

I started to wonder what life would really be like with a child. Would it really be as bad as I'd originally thought for all those years? I looked at my brother and my SIL with their baby and started to wonder if that was something I wanted for myself after all.

I went so far as to choose a nursery for my future potential baby, looked at baby names, etc. In the back of my mind, in a little voice that I was trying to drown out, I was having new, fresh doubts about my new decision to have a child.

Do you really want to lose your freedom to a child? You know that stack of unread books over there will never get read if you have a kid-you'll have no time! You can't stand listening to kids screeching and crying and being kids. How will you cope with a kid, 24/7? If you have a kid, your life will revolve around that kid. No more easy days on the sofa. No more get up and go. No freedom-my inner voice.

The more I reflected on the reasons I allegedly wanted children, the more I realised that I didn't. I may have wanted the good, fun, cute bits that kids can sometimes bring with them, but I definitely didn't want all the other stuff. The stinky nappies. The chaos. The noise. The restrictions placed on my life.

I asked myself what I would do if something went "wrong." How would I cope, for example, if I became a single mother? What if the child has additional or special needs? How would I cope then? I thought about all the ways that my life would change, even if I had the "ideal" child and I knew it wasn't something I wanted for myself.

It's one thing caring for someone else's child for a temporary amount of time, and entirely another being a parent. Many people get themselves "conned" into having kids because they've babysat kids/babies before and found it ok, and then when they have their own, they realise what a vastly different experience it really is. When you're babysitting, you always know that you're going to give the kid back. As a parent, they're yours 100% of the time. No refunds, no returns and no exchanges.

I realised quickly that I was trying to convince myself to have a child because it was what my family wanted for me. I knew that if I really wanted a child, I wouldn't have to talk myself into it.

The hard bits about having a child are worth it if you really want a child. They're not if you don't really want one and only had one to fulfil societal pressure or to alleviate FOMO.

I've always found the concept of FOMO to be a rather funny thing, really. In life, there are always going to be things we miss out due to decisions that we make and we shouldn't base our major decisions on FOMO. There's the possibility of regret whatever choice you make-I just know I'd rather regret not having children than regret having them.

As I said at the start of my very long post, it's a personal decision and one only you can make. If you can't see your life without kids, then maybe that's a clue that you do want them. If you can see your life without them, well, that's also a clue.

It's really hard to advise any one on this as only you can make the decision. Personally, this is how I came to mine.

When I came to an age (I'm nearly 36) where I was settled in my career and bought a house, I began to research. This meant, reading books, listening to podcasts, reading blogs, news articles, forums. When I could really truly imagine the reality of both lives then I felt I could properly commit to which one fit me better. I base this on my personality. I am someone who adores being on my own, as another poster explained well - having that freedom. THIS is what my brain needs, this is what I live for, to spend that freedom in any way I like or see fit and do things for me (and my partner) and not anyone else.

I am thankful that my career has helped me make this decision. As a primary school teacher, I can see the joys that children bring, I love my job, I love that I get to see the children learn and grow as little people and I love that I can have a big influence on this growth. However, I know how much I love handing them back at the end of the day. I love that as a teacher I have more control in a very structured environment. I found that, despite loving the children and educating them, I didn't particularly enjoy them following me around or playing with them during play time or having to sit and watch a dance routine they made up. I knew then, I didn't want to be parent.

Take the time now to delve deep into stories of parenthood and decide whether it is within yourself to make the necessary sacrifices and fully live that busy life full of highs and lows. For me, the lows would break me.