Do I want a child

[rosetintedmemories2023]

I know this is a question that only I can answer.

I feel like I keep procrastinating and I wonder if its because I really don't want a child. I am from a country which has a low birth rate so the government pursued a very aggressive pro natalist agenda and so I never thought I wouldn't have a child because we were taught we had to. But at the same time, we were raised to have careers and to work FT (even my grandmother worked FT after having her kids; kids were cared for by her mum and nanny; my mum worked till 11 pm everyday in a very stressful corporate environment while my grandma cared for her). So for me, I can't imagine being a stay at home mother and its not something i would ever be comfortable with.

I am 31 this year. I married at 22 straight out of university and as we didn't have much money and were just starting in our careers (and living with family), we naturally didn't TTC. We used the withdrawal method (as I never got on with the Pill) and we never had any accidents so we just continued. And we discussed beforehand, if we had an accident, we would just move out and rent and have the baby. but of course that never happened. I also decided at that time we should stop at one as this would mean only needing to buy a property with 2 bedrooms as well as paying for childcare once, and possibly even giving us the option of private secondary school (if our incomes did increase), and this would also allow us to delay TTC.

We bought our flat when I was 27 in 2019. We still live there. I remember researching school catchents before we bought so i was sincerely thinking that I would TTC once we moved in and were settled. DH isn't very interested in home ownership (honestly he would be happy if he rented for the rest of his life though he does love our flat now irrespective of any kids) so i remember telling him that if we wanted a child, we needed a secure place and not to be at the whims of a landlord.

It has 2 bedrooms and then covid happened so actually it would have been an ideal time to TTC. I felt that it was the wrong time as everything felt quite dystopian and it just felt like the 'wrong time' to bring a child into the world. Also as we were both WFH at that time, i thought that maybe we should buy a bigger flat with a third bedroom for a home office. I now work in the office full time (in a new job) so that is probably less necessary while DH is hybrid. But this made me delay TTC as my reasoning has always been 'buy before having a kid' .

in 2022, we both got pay rises and the increase in income would have allowed us to pay for full time childcare (as it is a total increase of £1600 combined). DH has now secured a new job which has increased our net household income by 10% (as the new employer pays non contributory pension). But yet due to inflation and the increase in mortgage interest rates, I am still not actively trying because I feel like we could both increase our wages soon enough which would help us feel more comfortable (in truth despite the inflation and us overpaying our mortgage by £1k per month, we are able to afford luxuries like more holidays compared to the lean years in 2017-2019)

My sister in law has recently had a baby and we met her new baby in 2022. She told me she didn't have the money to afford the baby but just tried anyway (they seem to be paying rent and the baby goes to daycare, so i guess the definition of 'afford' is different to different people and also no idea about the state of their finances). I decided to start using a combination of the rhythm method & withdrawal method in January (bearing in mind we have been using the withdrawal method since 2015 and i have never been close to falling pregnant!) Its July and I am on my period. I am either infertile or really good at the rhythm method! I know that I may have issues with fertility (though DH often reminds me that we haven't actually 'tried') and there are times when I think i need to get it checked out. But yet there are times when I also think it may not be a bad thing if I am infertile because at least that decision on whether or not to have children has been taken out of my hands.

I have talked to DH about this. He is adamant that he would only want a child if I want to. So its my decision.

Thank you for reading and please be kind.

I have often thought it is something you feel after having the child but I am not expert! A lot of kids are accidents but I don't think this means their parents would be bad parents or that they love their kids any less.

I am just wondering if any of you have been like me before, made a decision and are happy with it.

There are a lot of women I know who have never wanted children, I think that is an easy clearcut decision!

Oh you will make mistakes. Maybe even big ones. Everyone does. I don't know if I've ever met a person who hasn't been affected negatively in some way by their parents. They don't even realise it. I have a friend who cleans her house three times a day because her mum made a comment once about germs when she was a child and it stuck with her. Yet she doesn't see the impact this obsessive cleaning has on her own children now.

You don't have to be a bad parent to do damage.

That's just the nature of being human. No one is perfect. It's not a reason to not have children though. It's just something to be aware of.

I am just wondering if any of you have been like me before, made a decision and are happy with it.

Many. But for me I wouldn't even say it was a decision I made. Being childfree has always been my normal. I've never had to think about having them because I've always been happy without.

Op, do you want a child for it's own sake or because you think you should have one,? It's too serious a decision to let other people make you feel having a child is an obligation. If you'd be just as happy not being a Mother then don't do it, far too many people are unhappy adults becsuse their DPs didn't really want them

I have stepchildren btw so it's not as if I don't know what it's like to have children in my life. They're great kids, but I'm glad they're not mine. When they're here everything revolves around them naturally, but I can handle that because I know at the end of the day they're not really my responsibility. I don't stay awake worrying about their future. I don't plan my life around them. When they're kicking off I go get their father. I can walk away if I need to. Can't really do any of that when they're your own. Unless you are a man. They seem to find it easier to walk away.

I'm definitely in the had a strong urge camp. Having babies in my late 30s has been very different to friends in their mid 20s. I have been fortunate enough to have the money to pay for mother's help, cleaner etc when husband has been away with work and have had the choice not to return to work. Prior to having my own I always thought I'd want to work a bit but having desperately wanted these babies all I want to do is hang out with them before they go to school so have surprised myself.

I don't think it's right when you say parenting starts out hard then gets easier. For many mums it isn't linear and you have to be accepting that the future with children is all unknowns. The challenges change with each phase of life and there are peaks and troughs in terms of what each mother finds difficult and when. Some elderly mums in my family tell me they still worry about their (65+ year old) children...just in a different way to when they were babies. I completely get this.

Personally I think you have to be willing to prioritise someone else above yourself (most of the time) and not be resentful or have rose tinted glasses about both your future and what you perceive to have given up. You have to want to nurture a new person and grow to be the best parent you can. It's the best thing I've ever done. But as many threads on here will show you, not everyone feels this way at the beginning, nor do they throughout their life.

@rosetintedmemories2023 obviously don’t know you but from the way you write you sound extremely intelligent, sensible, someone who has their shit together. You’ll get people saying you have the perfect set up to have a child so go for it, others will say you have the perfect set up why disrupt it. You want answers from others like you, there’s no one like you. Even if someone is 99% similar to you comes on here and says I’m like you and had a kid it was the best thing ever, you don’t know how YOUR situation will turn out. This is not a question any of us an answer.

I would say it is always better to make a decision because of a positive desire, not out of fear. A lot of your reasoning seems to be fear about "what if X does/doesn't happen".
You do need to consider costs and practicalities but I think ideally a person decides to have a child because they sense they have love to give a child and would like do do that, or they decide not to because that feel positive about a child free life and that is what they want.

Don't restrict yourself one way or the other out of fear. If you sense that your fears may be getting in the way of knowing what you really want, would you be able to get some counselling/therapy to help you work through them to a settled place?

I had two DC because I thought I might regret not doing so. No real urge. They're now 20 and 18 and are the best thing we've ever done. By a mile. And we had a good life before.
Have been lucky enough to have a strong marriage, a DH who stick around and be able to afford paid childcare so I could return to work pretty quickly though.

I wouldn't like to be in my 60's, 70's, 80's and have no adult DC (nothing to do with caring or seeing them every week!)

I refer you to BadNomad post above yours. Like she said, freedom, spontaneity, sleep, career development, peace of mind. Also relationship satisfaction tends to go down the toilet when you’ve had a baby according to research, it will likely come back up but might just not.

I’ve shared this article many times but it is very useful if fear of regretting g not having children is an issue for you

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/living-single/202003/7-reasons-people-shouldnt-fear-theyll-regret-not-having-kids

I think you do want a child and you are trying to convince yourself otherwise. Because you have been deliberately having unprotected sex for years, ok withdrawal method. So the fear is more that you can't get pregnant maybe and need to justify that. Just start trying properly, sex every 2 or 3 days no withdrawal.

That's a really good perspective. I am not in my late 30s yet so sometimes think that perhaps I should wait, don't think I can make such a big decision now. Plus there are practical reasons to wait till 2025- mortgage rate will change in 2024 and DH will finish paying his student loan in 2025 so extra £400 per month. Plus 30 hours of free childcare in September 2025 for 9 month olds (though of course this is subject to change and I wouldn't rely on it). Perhaps in two years I will feel differently (and would still be below 35).

I know I shouldn't care but society is very judgemental of women who wait. There are almost daily reminders of our biological clock. Do they think women are stupid, most women know fertility drops with age. But real life doesn't work that way. And I keep telling myself that there is no prize for having babies early.

Honest question - do you think I would be less sad if I waited and it turned out I couldn't have children..would it be less devastating than if I hadn't been on the fence?

I've known my whole life I didn't want children, and I have never wavered on this. I'm almost 40.

I've always firmly would rather regret not having children than regret having them. It's an irreversible road I'm not willing to go down.

That's such an interesting perspective. You could be right. I just can't pluck up the guts to TTC though. It's why I moved onto the rhythm method (withdrawal on fertile days). I thought it would ease me into TTC.

Well it's been 7 months and nothing has happened. I think I could probably go years like this and nothing would happen.

And we did the withdrawal method too when we were 22 and 24, newly married and having daily sex!

I honestly do not know any women who are mothers that did not want to be more than they didn’t
including myself

even with all the things that make it hard work. I can actively compare both lives as I close to motherhood fairly late and had had an exciting life full of serving myself and nobody else.

only you really know the answer that is the long and short of it. There is no right or wrong

Yes you do want a child, anyone who spends this amount of time agonising over the decision clearly wants one.

You are talking about the financial side a lot. Well, having one child is really not that much more expensive. That shouldn't be a top concern.

I think being on the fence is hard work. (I do it a lot about some big decisions and it just drains me!)

You have been thinking about this for a while by the sounds of it, so no - it's not going to be a rushed decision. But I think deciding will bring acceptance and peace.

And the thing is either decision will be right. There's no wrong. You will most definitely regret either at some point too (likely for only a short moment).

A healthy baby is not a given, of course. Deciding to have one doesn't automatically make it happen. You might have fears around that and if that's the case that's where you need to start- exploring those fears.

Anyone who wants to be child free doesn't have unprotected sex for what, 10 years? And only withdraw on fertile days.

I deliberated for years whether I wanted kids or not, I never really had the urge to have them, I had a good life, traveling around the world with my job, looking after my own needs only, having time to do yoga, read books, etc. When I turned 41, I didn't have the luxury of waiting much longer and I was still unsure but I decided to go for it, now I am a mum of a 1.5 year old and do I regret it - of course not, is it hard - hell yes, do I think I was never truly happier before - no, I don't, motherhood for me is a rollercoaster of emotions, it's hard to explain, it is an emotional business and trying to approach it rationally may not work. You are 31, you still have time - to think some more, to develop your career, etc., more and more women nowadays have kids in their 40s precisely for that reason. Had I had my child earlier, I wouldn't have been that comfortable financially as I am now, so my advice is don't rush, whatever you decide will be ok in the end.

Yes its so hard right. I also just realised that DH's student loan would be fully paid off by 2025 (even without any more overpayments) so thats an extra £400 per month even without any pay rises. Would almost completely make up for the rise in mortgage rates.

So there is a lot of merit in waiting 1-2 years. But yet at the same time I think I may just keep putting it off.

Only you will know that, as someone said above this is so individual, for me it was worth the wait.
Wait for a bit and then ask yourself again.