Help me to see a future

[Futurethinker]

Hi All,
New to this side of mumsnet and NC’d for the move.

I have had to make the decision to stop fertility treatment for the sake of my sanity but I am struggling to shift my focus and pave a new life plan as a child free person.

Just looking for a light hearted thread with you strong women sharing some of the delights of life / life plans you have made as child free women, whether by choice or not ❤️

Awww big hugs to you ❤

I recently got a promotion which includes a LOT of travelling, mostly to Asia! I’m so happy and excited I’ve not been to many Asian countries. This promotion all going well, means we can retire if we want when we’re 50-55. Not a luxurious retirement but just the comfortable basics in my sunny & cheap home country

Anyway this weekend was meant to be my celebratory weekend. DH & I had theatre tickets, & fancy dinner for Friday and brunch on Sunday. Sadly I’m ill so spent the weekend taking long hot baths, binge watching TV and just being horizontal. DH spent the weekend buying or cooking whatever I fancied or craved. Last night I really wanted apple juice but we only had orange, lucky we have two 24/7 shops close by. Hopefully next weekend we’ll get to go out but it was nice just having a weekend of doing nothing and being waited on hand and foot. He baked a scrumptious chocolate cake as well 😁

OP this was me 20 years ago. Life now is better than I could ever have imagined. I was able to retire at 58 and DH and I are very happy. I wish you all the best.

My OH and I have so many interests and hobbies that would be difficult to do if we had children. Plus we have money available to do them!

Think about all the things you would like to do. Travel? Change career? Compete in sports? Retrain? Study? Any crazy hobbies? Or even dull ones!

We have a lovely, fulfilled and happy life with no children and no regrets.

Plus you can sleep in at weekends 😄

Sending you many hugs, OP.

I made the decision to go childfree in my early 30s. I am now early 40s.

Our life is wonderful and I pinch myself every day. My career is rewarding, goes from strength to strength and allows for lots of international travel. I have time to volunteer, take up board roles, travel (holidays), become fluent in French (next up, Russian) and play all my favourite concertos on the piano.

Finally, and most importantly, I am able to dedicate significant time to DH, family and friends.

Although I know many people find having children rewarding (and I very much like the kids of my friends and family) I think it is absolutely possible to have a rewarding, fulfilling life without children. Wishing you all the very best for this next chapter, OP ❤

OP, if this was a fairly recent decision, I think you should give yourself time to grieve and just feel sad and/or ambivalent before trying to switch your ideas about the future. There's no rush. You'll figure it out. (I did actually have a child after not planning to all my adult life, but, on the basis of the 22 years of adult life when I didn't plan to have one, I'm very sure my life would have been equally, though differently, good if I hadn't.)

Thanks all - it’s so lovely to hear how rewarding all your child free lives are 🥰

Especially interesting how a lot of you mentioned your careers…. I’m in what would be considered a decent job, good money, good location & fairly easy, but it is unskilled and I’m just lucky to work in an industry that pays well. I just sort of fell in to this job and your comments have got me thinking that maybe I could do a total career overhaul 🤔 I guess my mindset has always been to get myself in to a stable job and stay in it, but I guess I don’t actually need to any more? DH is well paid so I could realistically look at re-training or taking a pay cut to change to a career I would actually enjoy or get fulfilment from.

Maybe that could be my new plan 😃😃

Also great to hear how you can spend more time on your DH’s… my biggest fear would be if me and DH fell apart later down the road and I was left alone, but I guess that is less likely to happen if we have the extra time to invest in our relationship 🥰

Thanks all for making my transition I’ve to the childfree mumsnet so welcoming 🥰

It's the little things that add up for me. Impromptu drinks / cinema / meal / days out. Sleeping. Choosing to do absolutely nothing for the day. Choosing things that please me, not anyone else.

Lots of love and strength to you OP.

'OP, if this was a fairly recent decision, I think you should give yourself time to grieve and just feel sad and/or ambivalent before trying to switch your ideas about the future. There's no rush'

Came on to say exactly this. Theres so much pressure to 'think positive' and all the rest, but you have suffered a huge loss and you are allowed to take time to grieve

That said, there absolutely is hope and life without children can be wonderful. The thing that made the biggest difference to me was meeting other women in a similar position (online) who understood the grief and made the whole process so much more bearable. I'm glad you found us

Me and DH have been married 43 years and are still very happy and in love. Most of our friends with children are divorced or, if still together, not very happy.

We have loved being able to do what we wanted to do when we wanted to with no children restricting us. Weekends away, days out to museums, gardens, art galleries etc, meals out.

We had visitors from Friday to yesterday morning. They are lovely but it was quite full on. When they left I pottered round the garden for a bit, then had absolutely no guilt about slobbing with leftover prosecco, snacks and 4+ hours of the Wimbledon final.

Freedom! You don’t have to think about childcare and plan things down to the nth degree. If you want to go out, you just go out.

No school runs, no being tied to 8.30/9am and 3-3.30, not having to entertain children when you’re not well.

No headspace to be given to schools, friends, bullying, milestones, teen drugs/pregnancy/misbehaviour.

More time for hobbies and interests, more money for holidays and trips that can be taken at any time of your choosing, and that don’t have to include kids clubs etc

To be honest, and I know you will probably feel very differently, but personally, I don’t understand why anyone would want to sign up for all that. I’m late 50s and post hysterectomy and am so glad we don’t have adult children in these difficult economic times, and don’t have to provide childcare for grandchildren.

I do 100% agree with this, and I wish I could just lock myself away for a couple weeks and just let it all out, but if I’m honest I’m too scared to let the grief in 😕 IVF has battered me emotionally and physically for the last couple of years and my only way through things is to ‘power on’ and I always have to have some sort of ‘plan’ to get me through things and to see next steps. My MH has took a huge dip after our last loss which is why I took the decision to close this chapter of my life, but if I don’t just put it behind me and open the flood gates to grieving the life I now know I’ll never have I’m really concerned it will just result in deterioration of my health, which is why I think I just need to keep going and make new plans ❤️

PP's are right. Time is a healer x

Freedom definitely seems to be a common theme 😄
Think I definitely need to make the effort to ‘do more’ rather than using my free time to clean or just watch tv 🤷🏼‍♀️

I have small children in my close family and do definitely enjoy the huge sigh of relief when they go home after a sleepover, and spending the day recovering on the sofa 🤭

Thanks again for all your lovely messages, they really do help to see that just because life doesn’t look like I thought it was there is so much good things to see and enjoy in this ‘new life’ 🥰

All of this!

The pleasures of childfree travel are not to be underestimated. Negotiating a busy airport can be stressful enough without kids in tow but at least once you are though security you can relax, have a glass of wine, browse the duty free shops and treat yourself, and you can enjoy the facilities of a lounge. Then the blissful feeling of being settled in your seat with nothing more to worry about, not needing to keep anyone else entertained. And all that is before you reach your destination.

If what you enjoy doing is cleaning and watching tv then the freedom you have is the freedom to do those things. Don’t feel like you have to suddenly get a high flying career and start climbing mountains! Use your freedom to do the things you enjoy and the things that make you happy.

This too.

We have a big family holiday booked next year and there will be a couple of families with small children, I was kind of dreading it thinking it would make me notice how empty my arms were being the childfree couple, but actually maybe it will help us appreciate our holidays just the 2 of us without all the added stress of having children and being able to enjoy having our own time to relax on holiday 🥰

I've been you, many years ago now. The first thing I can say is make no big decisions , take your time to heal as your life as been one focus and that as been to get pregnant, your going to grieve for what you haven't got and that takes time to get over. You my never be a high flyer or climb mount Everest 😁, you maybe content just going to work, going on holidays and that's ok. Not having children doesn't mean you have to achieve big things in something else. You will have more time to do things you want, more money to do those things. I found the first few years difficult at times but I have a very close relationship with my husband, loads of holidays and was able to move to a place I always wanted to live, miles away from were we were born just because we liked it. Just give yourself time to heal and you will be ok.

Thank you, that’s good advice 🥰
Im just the type of person who always needs a focus and a plan but maybe I should just do little plans for now rather than feeling like I need a whole life overhaul to adjust to it being a child free life 🙏🏼

‘I was kind of dreading it thinking it would make me notice how empty my arms were being the childfree couple’ @Futurethinker

I would be feeling sorry for the couples wrangling small children and their tantrums through an airport, then keeping them under surveillance due to the sea/pool/sun. Managing naps with a time difference or change of routine, it all just sounds like so much hard work

I’m hoping a week of watching the struggles of other parents with small children abroad gives me more reason to be grateful of the life we have ended up in 😬

Also, you’ll be able to make/keep your house beautiful. It sounds trivial, but it’s something you can start doing in small increments while you’re processing the big stuff. We use our spare bedrooms as an office and a dressing room, and we don’t need a tv in the bedroom because the whole house is our sanctuary.

We moved abroad, which would have been difficult with young children, and I live in a popular holiday resort and see and hear the struggles every summer 😄

You my never be a high flyer or climb mount Everest 😁, you maybe content just going to work, going on holidays and that's ok. Not having children doesn't mean you have to achieve big things in something else. You will have more time to do things you want, more money to do those things

So much this. Women without children seem to be expected to do all these sort of things to 'compensate' for their sad lonely childless lives. I'm not a career high flyer (too lazy, and I looked at some of my managers and thought, no thanks, not the sort of person I want to be) have never climbed a mountain, flung myself out of a plane with a parachute on my back or moved to Outer Mongolia to teach English to yak herders for two years. I have a low key pottering lifestyle and within my financial limits I can do anything I want.

maybe I should just do little plans for now rather than feeling like I need a whole life overhaul to adjust to it being a child free life

You don't have to make big decisions all at once. I'll give you some words of wisdom lazy bones here is using to get herself in gear for a few things, and that's to take small manageable bites at what you want to do. In my case it's more exercise (or any, if I'm being honest here) and planning a flat refurb. It gives you momentum and starts a positive spiral of changes without you getting disheartened about not tackling and succeeding at something big and inevitably failing. Mine are

Define one long term goal and work on it for an hour every day
Read one chapter of a good book every day
Spend 10 minutes a day reflecting on what went well.

You have plenty of time for the life overhaul and getting used to the life you now have. No need for rush.