Help me to see a future

[Futurethinker]

Hi All,
New to this side of mumsnet and NC’d for the move.

I have had to make the decision to stop fertility treatment for the sake of my sanity but I am struggling to shift my focus and pave a new life plan as a child free person.

Just looking for a light hearted thread with you strong women sharing some of the delights of life / life plans you have made as child free women, whether by choice or not ❤️

OP there was a thread only this weekend about this. It was called "what decisions do you need to make today?" Or something similar and it was full of women celebrating their lovely child-free weekends.

I was just coming to say this! My new job is definitely not a high flying, high pressure career, still quite junior but now includes travel. I don’t have any desire to climb the greasy career pole, I’m happy with my steady job. I don’t have a uni degree. If you just want to sit at home watching TV then do it! Nothing is stopping you. If you want a complete overhaul do it for yourself only and not because you think that’s what’s expected.

There was a time when so many people were banging on about me being old & lonely and not having a proper ‘family’ that I let it get to me but that doesn’t bother me anymore. I have seen first hand that having kids does not guarantee they’ll be there for you. My husband is honestly my favourite person & we enjoy spending time with each other. He also travels for work so we get our alone time and there’s no resentment if we’re off doing our own thing as no one is left at home holding the baby.

Someone mentioned a beautiful house, it is a small thing but walking into my clean, mess free, calm home after visiting family brings me so much joy! Unfortunately we do have a cat and she sheds like crazy but my robovac sorts that out (I said I didn’t want a pet but we visited friends who are breeders and one of their new litters immediately ran up to my husband and plopped herself on him for the duration of our stay so that was that 😂)

I'm in my late 50s now. When it started to be evident that I wasn't going to have children, I did some serious thinking about why it was that I wanted them. For me, I realised that I didn't think it was a good idea to have a child just to meet my own emotional needs. I don't think it is a good idea for any child to be used in that way ( reflecting on my own childhood here). I did some wondering about what I did think would be a good reason to have a child. I realised that this would be if I felt I had more love to give, that I wanted to give to a child.

So then I reasoned that, if I had love to give, I could either spriral down and down because I wasn't going to have my own child or I could get out there and love the children I did come into contact with.

For me this meant giving time and energy to children at church and children of friends. Covid lead to me bubbling with a family with 3 under 2s and being able to support and help their parents during a very tricky time. I still get to see the girls and spend time with them most weeks and love them dearly.

I also have 2 " honorary nephews" who are children of friends and that I love to bits.

Of course this is not the same as having my own children and there has needed to be some adjusting and sensitivity to the different ways that the parents want to bring up their children (probably in a similar way to Grandparents, making sure you are not offering unwanted advice etc) and there is still a grief sometimes that you don't have a 'primary' relationship with a child, however, for me it has led to me feeling I have some of what I want in connecting with and giving love to children. I enjoy my time immensely with them but it is also exhausting ( I have a chronic illness that causes fatigue) and I also enjoy and appreciate being able to lie down in a darkened room afterwards!

I'm not saying this is an answer for everyone, just that it is what I have found helpful.

I wanted to add that you may want to watch out for an unexpected grief that hits you later on. The awareness that I wasn't going to have a child was gradual and I could see it coming on the horizon. This meant it wasn't such a shock to me and I had time to process it.
Now my peers are starting to have grandchildren. One morning when 2 separate people were talking about how wonderful it was to be a grandparent for the first time, it suddenly hit me that I was never going to be a grandparent either. That was a very sudden and unexpected grief that blindsided me rather.

That’s such good advice, thank you 🥰 And nice to hear from someone who’s happy without feeling like they need to find something else ‘meaningful’ to do with life if not having children.

A ‘pottering’ lifestyle sounds pretty content 😊😊

Thank you, I’ll try and find it 😁

Thank you 🥰 I am lucky enough to see my DH as my best friend too, and at least I know that the dynamics of our relationship aren’t going to be hit with a huge change and be put under strain, it’s nice to hear that this doesn’t fade ❤️

Thank you, that’s great advice 🥰
I am lucky enough to have small children in my family that I love a lot, so thinking of throwing my love and time in to them is a lovely thought ❤️

Absolutely let yourself grieve for the life you thought would be. It’s an important step.

Then just…let your life expand. Fancy a trip abroad to that far-flung corner you’ve always had your eye on? Go for it. Always liked the idea of learning to speak French/play the tuba/paddle board? Crack on. Enjoy pottering around the garden or getting into a good book or doing some baking? Why not, there’s no rule to say being child free means you’ve got to fill every moment of the day with something exotic.

I have several hobbies that take up a lot of time as well as a full time job, running a house and just enjoying loafing around not doing much in the peace and quiet.

I'm in a slightly different situation to you OP but just wanted to say how much I have appreciated the thoughtful responses on this thread. I've been struggling with 'purpose' in a child-free life and it has been helpful and reassuring to read the experiences of others, so thank you all.

I didn’t really ‘choose’ not to have children, it just didn’t happen - got divorced in my 30s, didn’t meet another partner for a while and by then it was getting too late.

I’ve been able to help my nieces through university; pay my mortgage off at 55; travel, enjoy lots of theatre trips, and take a complete career change in my 50s. I couldn’t have done any of this if I’d had kids.

I now have a great relationship with my nieces. I often look after the children of a (much younger) friend, they are 7 and 4 and while I love them dearly they are exhausting - I am happy to hand them back at the end of the day! As someone above said, it’s a different relationship and you’re not their primary carer, but you can still have children in your life.

if I could wave a magic wand, yes I’d have had kids, but I’ve had a great life and I’m sure I have been spared a lot of anguish and heartache. We always imagine a perfect family but real life isn’t like that, you could have had children with health issues, emotional problems and so on. While most mums will say they still wouldn’t have done it any differently, you only have to read some of the threads on here to know that it’s a tough call being a parent.

I've been struggling with 'purpose' in a child-free life and it has been helpful and reassuring to read the experiences of others, so thank you all

Can I give you a quote from my reading of The Daily Stoic? (incidentally I think being told to find a 'purpose' in life is nearly as irritating as being told to find your 'passion' and as equally productive of unhappiness and discontent if you can't.)

You have two essential tasks in life; to be a good person and to pursue the occupation that you love. Everything else is a waste of energy and a squandering of potential. Say no to distractions, to destructive emotions, to outside pressure. Try to do the right thing when the situation asks for it. Treat other people the way you hope to be treated; and understand that every small choice and tiny matter is a opportunity to practice these larger principles.

Don't have the book to hand so no idea who said it. Probably Marcus Aurelius. 😄

Thank you all so much for these messages, I know I haven’t responded to all of you individually but they have all meant a lot and it really has helped me shift my way of thinking a little 🥰
I will try and take on board about grieving the ‘lost life’ a little as I know this would probably be healthy for me!
But seeing how good my life can be without children gives me so much hope so thank you all ❤️❤️

I'm so sorry op.
DP And I have a very fulfilling cf life.
We can get up early and have a swim or paddle board before work.
Lie ins and PJ days on a weekend.
Weekends or nights away on a whim.
Few holidays a year out of term time so cheaper.
We plan one day to move to a cheaper area of the country and live mortgage free.
None of which would be as easy with kids.

I've also had some serious health stuff going on this year which would have been terrifying and logistically impossible had we had children.

That does sound a lovely, laid back way to live 🥰
I guess PP’s are right and there really is nothing wrong with having lie in’s and pj days if that’s what you enjoy, society just makes you feel like you always need to be doing something productive 😬

Also sorry to hear about your health issues, I hope you’re on the mend now ❤️

society just makes you feel like you always need to be doing something productive

This really ramped up over lockdown. It wasn't enough to be WFH, you had to be baking banana bread, making memories, learning Mandarin and mastering three major chords on the guitar; not to mention following Joe Wickes. Puritan work ethic plus Not Wasting Time and it really kicked in.

Some days all I achieved was not throwing the laptop out of the window.

Think you raise a very good point there! Rather than enjoying being forced to do ‘nothing’ and be a bit anti-social for a bit we were all made to feel like we had to make even more effort than usual to make the most of every second of the day and ‘stay in touch’ with people we would only speak to at Christmas 🤭
I guess it’s hard to then see it as okay to just have days of doing nothing because you feel like it!

society just makes you feel like you always need to be doing something productive

I would agree with this, be it ties in to people saying “But what are you going to DO with your life?” when you say you don’t have/want children.

IMO it comes back to the idea that a woman’s function is to be wife and mother, and if you’re not doing that then you’re failing in your womanly duties. So you feel the need to either be doing exotic exciting things to show that yes, you are using your time well or else you feel you should be doing something worthy like volunteering in order to show you’re pulling your societal weight.

Bugger that for a lark, I’m quite enjoying myself lying on the sofa with a glass of wine and a book. No fucks given for anyone who thinks I should be “doing something productive”. Anyway, I am…I’m enjoying myself!

or else you feel you should be doing something worthy like volunteering in order to show you’re pulling your societal weight

I've worked full time since 1975 and paid my taxes (and still am even semi-retired) and covered for the parents on holiday at Christmas and the summer. I consider I've pulled my societal weight, thanks all the same.

Bugger that for a lark, I’m quite enjoying myself lying on the sofa with a glass of wine and a book. No fucks given for anyone who thinks I should be “doing something productive”. Anyway, I am…I’m enjoying myself!

The woman who runs Ask A Manager has a great phrase for being expected to do something you don't want to do or just generally fobbing people off. 'Sorry, but I have other plans.' As she says, you don't have to tell them those plans are watching TV in your pjs.

I've worked full time since 1975 and paid my taxes (and still am even semi-retired) and covered for the parents on holiday at Christmas and the summer. I consider I've pulled my societal weight, thanks all the same.

Not quite as long but I’ve been working since I left university and I’ve always made the argument that most CF people contribute more to the tax system than they take out so we’ve already paid our dues and shouldn’t be guilt tripped into whatever is being demanded this time. Rarely goes down well though!

Post above should read “You’re made to feel you should be doing something worthy”. I’m quite happy with my decisions, it’s others who aren’t…

@GrannyWeatherwaxsHatpin I've noticed that the people who say 'my children will be paying your pensions' rarely take well to being reminded that I and millions like me paid and are paying for their children's teachers, doctors, dentists, schools, libraries, hospitals, medical care... and that we have probably done that for a lot longer than we'll be receiving pensions.

This one? www.mumsnet.com/talk/childfree-mumsnetters/4849538-what-are-your-big-decisions-today

Oh a thousand times this!! It truly is the small things.

There is fostering. A girl I know from school we are both in our mid 40s now. She has a good job a biological son and a daughter she adopted I understand that this daughter came with some past tramua/issues but she thinks the world of her. Having a Foster child is only like having a biological child they come with the same positives/negatives/character flaws PLUS all the wonderful thing a child brings to your life . Days out shopping.. days out the oark and the beach. Nothing comes close to holding that little warm pudgey hand in your and knowing that you love them with all your heart.. it doesn't have to be biological. I know people that cry more over their pets than family so that goes to prove you don't have to give birth to a child to love it and care for it.
All these people with careers and nice furniture? Sad. And for the record you CAN have nice furniture AND lie- ins at the weekend AND a life with a child.
And money in the bank. You just need to be married to the right guy!

'All these people with careers and nice furniture? Sad. And for the record you CAN have nice furniture AND lie- ins at the weekend AND a life with a child.
And money in the bank. You just need to be married to the right guy!'

You've posted in the wrong place, my dear. This is the CHILDFREE board 🙄

'OP there was a thread only this weekend about this. It was called "what decisions do you need to make today?" Or something similar and it was full of women celebrating their lovely child-free weekends.'

I started that thread and was so glad I did! It was such a lovely read

I appreciate you taking the time to comment and your point of view but this really wasn’t what I was looking for from this thread.
Taking the decision to close that chapter of my life means I’m not looking for advice (however well intended it is) on different ways to ‘have a child’ it is about seeing the positives in a child free life.