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MNers without children

This board is primarily for MNers without children - others are welcome to post but please be respectful

Original poster

Who will look after you when you're older?

63 replies

Scabber · 03/07/2023 12:43

I'm a nurse, over the years I've nursed elderly people with plenty of stories and photos of their children and grandchildren, but very few visits. No-one actually there at the end and definitely not their children looking after them.

Having children does not automatically mean you have someone to look after you in later years, what a burden that is for them.

OP posts:
MushMonster · 03/07/2023 12:46

I agree with you (still tease the young members of my family about how demanding I will be because their faces are rather funny! Lol)

MushMonster · 03/07/2023 12:48

I actually do not want to live beyond the point I am actually enjoying my life, but we never know what will happen next.

Craftsandgardens · 03/07/2023 12:49

Every situation is different. Some people may need a care home, others may have a spouse who is able to help with care.
It's rare for there to be no-one, either personal or state, unable to help.
Equally, some children will be willing to help.

TrundleWheel76 · 03/07/2023 13:14

I've had family members say this to me regarding my decision to be childfree. One particularly vocal uncle has 4 grown up children, 3 of whom abroad. None of the 4 live close by and none are looking after him and his wife, who are now in their 80s.

Anyway, to answer the question, my OH and I have things put in place including powers of attorney, and have bought a house (that we are currently renting out) that will be more suitable for us when we (or just one of us) are older and frailer. Beyond that, it's difficult to know what to do as none of us know which health or mobility problems we may face in the future.

Theskyoutsideisblue · 03/07/2023 13:28

I am on hospital at present. There are 3 women on my ward on their 80s and 90s. All have children. I have been here 4 days none of the children have been in. One has an operation tomorrow and is v scared. Son is fucking off on holiday.

Shitshowatthefuckfactory · 03/07/2023 14:21

I would absolutely hate to be "looked after".

The plan is that DH would plan to move into supported living and then a care home if needed.

We've both repeatedly said that if we because unable to wash/toilet/eat independently then we'd happily end our lives at that point. I'm hoping that this will be legal and available in the Uk by the time that comes for us.

Loiteredthere · 03/07/2023 14:26

I’d also hate to have to be cared for but if it comes to it I’ll obviously just go into a care home. Like most people with children do. My sisters uncle in law just died, he’s been in a care home for years, he has 15 children and last time any one of them visited him was between Christmas and new year to give him a Christmas card. I don’t know anyone who actually cares for their parents, most don’t even visit them, but they’re so interested in who will care for me when I’m old, like redirect your concerns to your own parents!

Thistooshallpsss · 03/07/2023 14:30

I think the problem is actually not physical care but life admin and finance if anyone becomes mentally unable to. The other problem is that I don’t think people with dementia can recognise their decline so are unable to instruct someone plus managing someone’s affairs is a time consuming job I think it would be very difficult to arrange for a solicitor for example to do this job. I speak from experience.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 03/07/2023 14:31

I did a lot of caring for my DM and there won't be someone to do the same for me. But, as you say, many people with children don't get care from them and quite a few who do get care do not get good or kind care.

Either way, I'm not going to bring a human being into existence to have someone to change my incontinence pad, so the whole premise of this question is ridiculous (not the OP, but people who say this to CF women).

RandomMess · 03/07/2023 14:37

I have 4 adult DC, I don't expect help and care from them.

I hope to have a loving relationship with them and they will be in touch little and often but anything else I expect to sort out and pay for myself.

I hope they have warm loving relationships with each other over what I'd like for myself tbh.

daffodilandtulip · 03/07/2023 14:44

My daughter dreams of working & living abroad. I would hate to think that she would feel compelled to give that up to care for me.

AndrexPuppy · 03/07/2023 14:46

My mother never tells me when she is admitted to hospital, so for all I know, I’m getting judged for being a terrible daughter when I’ve got no idea.

AndrexPuppy · 03/07/2023 14:47

(She hates me, in case you hadn’t realised).

TrundleWheel76 · 03/07/2023 14:50

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 03/07/2023 14:31

I did a lot of caring for my DM and there won't be someone to do the same for me. But, as you say, many people with children don't get care from them and quite a few who do get care do not get good or kind care.

Either way, I'm not going to bring a human being into existence to have someone to change my incontinence pad, so the whole premise of this question is ridiculous (not the OP, but people who say this to CF women).

I quite agree.

Having a baby simply in order to have a carer in thr future seems incredibly selfish!

UseOfWeapons · 03/07/2023 15:05

I look after my parents. I have no children, so for me, likely to be a care home if I have to, or suicide if I'm cool with it.

VeryQuaintIrene · 03/07/2023 15:14

If I need it, I hope to get a place at the (lovely) care home where my mum spent her last years. I really enjoyed being there and the food and the rooms were nice.

Lovetotravel123 · 03/07/2023 15:21

I have told my son that it is fine to put me in a care home. Every day I feel guilty for not having given up my career and family to provide 24/7 care for my dad. I don’t want him to be burdened or to experience the guilt I have.

BringOnSummerHolidays · 03/07/2023 15:24

I hope we can sign ourselves out at dignitis by that point. I don't want to be looked after.

userxx · 03/07/2023 15:26

Lovetotravel123 · 03/07/2023 15:21

I have told my son that it is fine to put me in a care home. Every day I feel guilty for not having given up my career and family to provide 24/7 care for my dad. I don’t want him to be burdened or to experience the guilt I have.

You're being really hard on yourself there.

Plunkplink · 03/07/2023 15:28

My DD says she’s going to make sure my carers are nice. My DC have power of attorney for health and finance. I hope they’ll make the right care decision for me. I hope they don’t spend their lives running round after me. I’d appreciate visits and WhatsApp messages.

flowertoday · 03/07/2023 15:41

I recently saw a family member being cared for at home. I am sorry to say it looked awful, as neither the cared for person or the carer were willing or able to take on professional advice or access outside help.
I wish my loved one had been looked by properly trained professionals. They were too afraid to consider this. Their carer was too arrogant to consider that anyone could do a better job than them.
My most fervent wish is not to be a burden or be cared for by family members, most especially my children. Never want to put them through that. My wish to be at home will never trump my children's need to be able to live their own lives if I have anything to do with it.

SparklingLime · 03/07/2023 15:45

Craftsandgardens · 03/07/2023 12:49

Every situation is different. Some people may need a care home, others may have a spouse who is able to help with care.
It's rare for there to be no-one, either personal or state, unable to help.
Equally, some children will be willing to help.

What do you base your comment that it's "rare" on? And have you seen what much state care is like?

FairAcre · 03/07/2023 15:47

My mother was in a care home with dementia. I’m one of four siblings and we had a rota where someone visited her every day. Either us or her grandchildren. Not every old person is abandoned by their family.

sunshineandstormclouds · 03/07/2023 15:57

Child free here - I worry about this. Fair enough if you have kids they might not step up. But if you don't then they definitely won't.

I don't know. I hope I have enough money for it to be comfortable.

I also hope I die before my husband but then worry as he will be alone.

cptartapp · 03/07/2023 15:57

Lovetotravel123 · 03/07/2023 15:21

I have told my son that it is fine to put me in a care home. Every day I feel guilty for not having given up my career and family to provide 24/7 care for my dad. I don’t want him to be burdened or to experience the guilt I have.

But your dad wouldn't have let you do that? Surely?!

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