Page 3 | Who will look after you when you're older?

zeldamccoy · 04/07/2023 21:10

You

Catsmere · 04/07/2023 22:49

thunderandsunshine01 · 03/07/2023 18:08

I will be looking after my mum so long as I am physically able to. If at the point her mind is gone we have agreed care home as it would be difficult for me to cope with that aspect, and respectfully she would know no different.
I expect the same to a degree from my children, key difference being I have 4 of them to share the load and I am an only child.

If your parents have provided you with care and love and support your whole life like my lovely mum has, although it will be difficult it is not a burden, and one of the only ways you can give back.

No. It is a burden. I'm on a pension as my mother's full time carer and if she didn't have a home-care package that funded personal care and physio exercise I would be completely unable to deal with it. I have not the physical strength, training or temperament for personal care and am frankly revolted at the thought of showering her (or anyone).

Catsmere · 04/07/2023 22:51

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 04/07/2023 20:01

My DM went from needing the occasional bit of help with heavy lifting or internet banking to being very dependent, but it was gradual

GM was in a wheelchair the last few years of her life. No nurses allowed - the tantrums would have been epic - so DM did the lot. Her one escape was the hour she went out shopping every day.

I'm not sorry to say that I used to long for her to die so DM could be free of it.

Your poor mother!

Jeezuswept · 05/07/2023 08:33

I'll die by suicide once I'm 'done'.

I have a friend who is 75 and in amazing health, looks no older than 50, who has 4 grown sons and 8 grandchildren, she's the most vivacious and positive person I've ever met, she goes travelling every other month to a new place and visits London every week, she said once she hits 80, that's it, she'll kill herself.

She's told all her family and they brush her off but she's serious, she's planned the funeral. She said she doesn't want to get old, and 80 seems a good age.

Jeezuswept · 05/07/2023 08:37

thunderandsunshine01 · 03/07/2023 18:08

I will be looking after my mum so long as I am physically able to. If at the point her mind is gone we have agreed care home as it would be difficult for me to cope with that aspect, and respectfully she would know no different.
I expect the same to a degree from my children, key difference being I have 4 of them to share the load and I am an only child.

If your parents have provided you with care and love and support your whole life like my lovely mum has, although it will be difficult it is not a burden, and one of the only ways you can give back.

I very much disagree, caring for an elderly parent IS a burden.

Just read the threads on here to see how much stress, time, energy it takes.

I think it's selfish to put that responsibility upon your children. My dm has said she will go into a care home, point blank.

It doesn't matter how loving and supportive your parents were, caring for someone is mentally and physically exhausting, with a huge cost to your life and your relationships.

Catsmere · 05/07/2023 09:20

Jeezuswept · 05/07/2023 08:37

I very much disagree, caring for an elderly parent IS a burden.

Just read the threads on here to see how much stress, time, energy it takes.

I think it's selfish to put that responsibility upon your children. My dm has said she will go into a care home, point blank.

It doesn't matter how loving and supportive your parents were, caring for someone is mentally and physically exhausting, with a huge cost to your life and your relationships.

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Yes, and whereas children will generally grow up, become independent and (economics permitting!) leave, it's all downhill caring for elderly parents. They're never going to get better once cognitive decline or worse, dementia, sets in.

KimberleyClark · 05/07/2023 09:57

Catsmere · 05/07/2023 09:20

Yes, and whereas children will generally grow up, become independent and (economics permitting!) leave, it's all downhill caring for elderly parents. They're never going to get better once cognitive decline or worse, dementia, sets in.

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This is what many parents don’t get when they talk about tiredness (special needs aside). Caring for an elderly parent with dementia is not only exhausting, it’s heartbreaking seeing the capable adult you once knew reverting to the capability of a child. It’s the reverse of looking after a baby.

My late MIL unlike my late DM did not have dementia but was very frail and even with a care package in place could not be kept fed, watered, medicated and clean. She had falls, one hip breaking, and constant UTIs. She flatly refused to leave her home which as she lived 200 miles away was very difficult.

GardeningIdiot · 05/07/2023 18:34

Jeezuswept · 05/07/2023 08:33

I'll die by suicide once I'm 'done'.

I have a friend who is 75 and in amazing health, looks no older than 50, who has 4 grown sons and 8 grandchildren, she's the most vivacious and positive person I've ever met, she goes travelling every other month to a new place and visits London every week, she said once she hits 80, that's it, she'll kill herself.

She's told all her family and they brush her off but she's serious, she's planned the funeral. She said she doesn't want to get old, and 80 seems a good age.

It's really not easy to successfully kill yourself. I think a lot of people are giving themselves a false sense of security with this plan.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 05/07/2023 19:50

GardeningIdiot · 05/07/2023 18:34

It's really not easy to successfully kill yourself. I think a lot of people are giving themselves a false sense of security with this plan.

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I don't think that's the reason why few older people choose suicide. It's that old age isn't as bad as they feared, once they get there. NB I am talking on average - some people have terrible experiences. But I work with a lot of older people; I visit care homes every week. Most people's lives are not awful. They aren't what we would want now, but it doesn't follow that all older people are unhappy. A lot of our fears about old age are about us projecting our own wants and desires onto older people. But being older is as different from being middle-aged, as being middle-aged is from being 21. Your whole mindset is so different. When I was 21, I couldn't imagine not wanting to go clubbing all night...

Haveallthesongsbeenwritten · 05/07/2023 19:55

Scabber · 03/07/2023 12:43

I'm a nurse, over the years I've nursed elderly people with plenty of stories and photos of their children and grandchildren, but very few visits. No-one actually there at the end and definitely not their children looking after them.

Having children does not automatically mean you have someone to look after you in later years, what a burden that is for them.

Hoping my cat will.

nocoolnamesleft · 05/07/2023 20:28

GardeningIdiot · 05/07/2023 18:34

It's really not easy to successfully kill yourself. I think a lot of people are giving themselves a false sense of security with this plan.

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I know exactly which of my prescribed medications would be able to kill me. I doubt I'm alone in that.

MaggieBsBoat · 05/07/2023 20:47

My DH is determined that we will move in with his parents and look after them when they get too frail (70/71 now and already aging rapidly). He has been brought up, no trained in fact, to believe it’s his duty.

ive said I will help. I’ve said I’ll also pay for care, but frankly they were awful parents back then and they are awful, selfish people now. They had 1 child and have used him as a vehicle for their own security.

We have 5 kids (2 now adults) and I tell all of them that our job was to give them enough security and love to go out into the world and live. And not look back.
2 live in another country.
It’ll be dignitas for me, but still I intend to stay as healthy as I can for as long as I can. Only 50 now but I do wonder…

Catsmere · 07/07/2023 03:39

KimberleyClark · 05/07/2023 09:57

This is what many parents don’t get when they talk about tiredness (special needs aside). Caring for an elderly parent with dementia is not only exhausting, it’s heartbreaking seeing the capable adult you once knew reverting to the capability of a child. It’s the reverse of looking after a baby.

My late MIL unlike my late DM did not have dementia but was very frail and even with a care package in place could not be kept fed, watered, medicated and clean. She had falls, one hip breaking, and constant UTIs. She flatly refused to leave her home which as she lived 200 miles away was very difficult.

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Bloody hell.