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MNers without children

This board is primarily for MNers without children - others are welcome to post but please be respectful

Original poster

Who will look after you when you're older?

63 replies

Scabber · 03/07/2023 12:43

I'm a nurse, over the years I've nursed elderly people with plenty of stories and photos of their children and grandchildren, but very few visits. No-one actually there at the end and definitely not their children looking after them.

Having children does not automatically mean you have someone to look after you in later years, what a burden that is for them.

OP posts:
WaterBaby9 · 03/07/2023 15:58

Probably nobody. One disabled child is my only family. The worry is huge for us both.

JenniferBooth · 03/07/2023 16:05

OP read the Carers Allowance thread. See how unpaid family carers are viewed in this country including by some who work in the NHS. Its no wonder people are unwilling to do it, No thanks for it and when the cared for person dies its off you trot to the Job Centre to be treated like you have been sitting on your arse. Can see why people are saying no thanks

PIP stops if the cared for person is in hospital for more than 28 days and so does CA because the NHS is deemed to be caring for them not the relative. Going by the threads ive seen on here some of that care is lacking. People cant live on fresh air. Someone who loses their CA will have to start looking for work.

musixa · 03/07/2023 17:59

No one. If my plan to die reasonably young of natural causes by eschewing most healthy living advice doesn't work, it's Dignitas for me.

Florissante · 03/07/2023 18:00

I'm with musixa on this. Live free or die.

thunderandsunshine01 · 03/07/2023 18:08

I will be looking after my mum so long as I am physically able to. If at the point her mind is gone we have agreed care home as it would be difficult for me to cope with that aspect, and respectfully she would know no different.
I expect the same to a degree from my children, key difference being I have 4 of them to share the load and I am an only child.

If your parents have provided you with care and love and support your whole life like my lovely mum has, although it will be difficult it is not a burden, and one of the only ways you can give back.

Original poster
Scabber · 03/07/2023 18:27

My post is a general thought i have everytime I'm asked who will look after me when I'm old due to me being so selfish as to not have children (I'm a child free not be choicer). People assume their children will but its in no way a given and shouldn't be a main reason for having children imo.

OP posts:
Shitshowatthefuckfactory · 03/07/2023 19:03

thunderandsunshine01 · 03/07/2023 18:08

I will be looking after my mum so long as I am physically able to. If at the point her mind is gone we have agreed care home as it would be difficult for me to cope with that aspect, and respectfully she would know no different.
I expect the same to a degree from my children, key difference being I have 4 of them to share the load and I am an only child.

If your parents have provided you with care and love and support your whole life like my lovely mum has, although it will be difficult it is not a burden, and one of the only ways you can give back.

What if your children don't want to though?

I don't think children should ever have to provide physical care for parents if they don't want to.

One of my parents died recently and I felt enormously traumatised by their condition in their final weeks. I certainly couldn't have provided any hands on care, aside from visiting and sitting with them.

ProseccoOnTap · 03/07/2023 19:09

I'm single & I worry about it (although I am a single parent not childless).

Social care in this country is fucking awful - a maximum care package is 15 mins x 4 daily - that is nowhere near enough for someone who cannot cook, self care their activities of daily living etc.

There's a huge gap between this & needing a care home.

I guess private carers are the answer but try getting hold of a decent, reliable one these days.

tsmainsqueeze · 03/07/2023 19:39

'If your parents have provided you with care and love and support your whole life like my lovely mum has, although it will be difficult it is not a burden, and one of the only ways you can give back.'
I disagree i think it can become a burden , alongside my siblings i think we will do our best for our mother as she ages but i have no intention of letting caring for her take over every aspect of my life ,i saw how being a carer for his mother affected my father -a long thankless slog.
I have no plans to rely on my 3 kids either , i do not want their memories of me to be tainted with reluctance and the sheer tedium of visiting the 'living dead' which sadly i think many people become in old age, because to much intervention keeps us going well past our sell by date.
I hope to be able to recognise when my time is coming and do it myself if I'm able.

FarTooHotForMe · 03/07/2023 19:44

I am on hospital at present. There are 3 women on my ward on their 80s and 90s. All have children. I have been here 4 days none of the children have been in. One has an operation tomorrow and is v scared. Son is fucking off on holiday
Maybe the DC are burnt out from providing previous care and are literally cracking up. Maybe they are using their parent’s stay in hospital to get some well needed respite, maybe their marriage is in crisis because of the strains of caring for an elderly parent.
So don’t judge.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 03/07/2023 19:47

Suicide once I’m at the point of no quality of life. Preferably legal assisted but I’ll make do. No desire to be in a care home with none of my faculties, thanks.

JenniferBooth · 03/07/2023 20:06

@FarTooHotForMe when i read that post i did wonder if that was the first date that had been given for the op Had previous dates been given before and cancelled and if so how many times.

readbooksdrinktea · 03/07/2023 20:20

I'm disabled but manage largely on my own. Have travelled, lived in different countries etc. Once I am no longer able to take care of daily needs and personal hygiene, or there is mental decline, I don't want to be here.

ALittleBitAhAh · 03/07/2023 20:34

My vision for my future:

www.tiktok.com/@goldengirlpacha/video/7217871720433356037

Catsmere · 04/07/2023 11:13

I am my mother's carer. She's 91 and has vascular dementia after a ministroke years ago. No personality changes, fortunately, but one-minute-memory on a good day, and her sense of balance is totally shot. She's on a level 4 home care package and I am on the carer pension (this is Australia, btw). There won't be anyone to do this stuff for me, not that I'd want it. If I get to the point of needing care I'll go into a nursing home of some sort. Wouldn't be much point living in some independent house/unit if I could no longer care for cats.

As for children - my older sister said straight out if it had fallen to her, she'd have put Mum in a nursing home immediately. (I don't have a choice because we were never able to afford to live separately through all our working lives, and at 60 I think my chances of getting a job, years out of the workforce and with no qualifications, are minimal, even with government support schemes in place.)

bookwormcrazy · 04/07/2023 19:24

I am child free and cheekily said to my brother and sister that whoever looks after me when I am old will be taken care of in my will! 😂
I own my own house and have a good job and pension which is very different from the rest of my family. I can't say that any of my nieces and nephews are likely to get an "inheritance" except from me.
But I do love them all so they will all feature in my will, I was just being cheeky when I said that but I can't say it hasn't crossed my mind. To be fair, I am not even 40 yet and all my nieces and nephews are quite young. 🤣

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 04/07/2023 19:25

I don’t expect to be looked after - I expect my daughters to check I have the care I’m paying for and visit me- like I expect them to before I get old. We’re family!

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 04/07/2023 19:50

If your parents have provided you with care and love and support your whole life like my lovely mum has, although it will be difficult it is not a burden, and one of the only ways you can give back

My mother was adamant that she didn't want her children being her carers - she got stuck looking after my toxic GM (not that DM probably thought of her like that). As a result for years she had no life of her own - GM insisted that she didn't want anyone else looking after her and wouldn't go into a home so DM was stuck with it.

When she was diagnosed as terminally ill she went straight into a care facility that had a hospice. There was no debate about it as far as she was concerned.

All very well to get pious about 'being provided with love and care and support' and 'the only way you can give back.' The reality of being a carer can be a lot less rose-tinted than that. A LOT less.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 04/07/2023 19:55

The reality of being a carer can be a lot less rose-tinted than that. A LOT less.

Agree. Also, everyone thinks that they won't be a burden on their kids, but it creeps up on you insidiously. My DM went from needing the occasional bit of help with heavy lifting or internet banking to being very dependent, but it was gradual. When she was younger, she would have said exactly what many PPs on here have said - that she wouldn't want to burden us. The reality was different.

Being CF is an advantage in that it forces you to plan.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 04/07/2023 20:01

My DM went from needing the occasional bit of help with heavy lifting or internet banking to being very dependent, but it was gradual

GM was in a wheelchair the last few years of her life. No nurses allowed - the tantrums would have been epic - so DM did the lot. Her one escape was the hour she went out shopping every day.

I'm not sorry to say that I used to long for her to die so DM could be free of it.

Backstreets · 04/07/2023 20:03

I’m certainly not looking after my useless father, so no, having kids no guarantee of anything.
It’s a sad thought, though.

nocoolnamesleft · 04/07/2023 20:04

If I am mentally alert but become (more) physically infirm, I will buy in help. If I find myself losing my marbles, I think I will take steps whilst still able to do so.

Yerroblemom1923 · 04/07/2023 20:09

I think it makes little difference whether you have kids or not, if they don't want to look after you in your later years they won't. This thread is quite telling! I don't expect my dc to look after me, I want them to go out there and enjoy life. I've seen too many people lose years, lose their job, lose themselves to looking after a parent for years - it's rarely appreciated. I guess the main motivation is the house goes to the children rather than being sold to pay for care in an old people home.

GOODCAT · 04/07/2023 20:11

I have two younger siblings, one of whom has kids, and an older husband. My hope is to be capable enough to get myself into the care system once I get unable to look after myself. If I am not capable of that, I hope my broader family or friends will help to do that.

lookingforMolly · 04/07/2023 21:06

Im childless not childfree by choice..
So This subject does worry me a lot.

especially as my Mum is now very poorly and getting a lot of life admin help from my sister who has financial POA (she's very financially astute but I'm not).
I can't help her as much because she's not ready for personal care help yet (which as a part time HCA I'm good at) plus I can't drive due to epilepsy and she lives 2 bus rides away!
I can see how having children willing to help is a good thing.

I know when I get older it will just be me & (hopefully) my sister, no-one to notice when I deteriorate mentally (I have Schizoaffective disorder so that's possible), no one to pick stuff up for me from my home if I end up in hospital, no one to choose a good care home.

It's depressing.

Admittedly some people have children who never get involved. My uncle lives in Scotland, he didn't visit my Nan for years and didn't believe us when we told him she had dementia!