How did you choose to be childfree? Initially not by choice?

[Mydogisamazing]

Hi everyone. After three failed rounds of IVF I'm considering whether I want to have another go. I'm 40 and DP is a bit older. I don't know if this makes sense but life right now (forgetting the failed IVF!) is quite good. Interesting job, hobbies, interests, lots of friends, live in a big city, world at my feet, do whatever I want all of the time. But I've always wanted a family/child one day, and wondered just because things are ok as they are now maybe I'll want MORE one day. But time is not on our side. It's now or never with kids (has been for a few years!) But I don't know how much longer to plough into IVF, also financially it's obviously not great.

I often look at friends with children and it looks relentless and boring and hard work and I worry I'm too tired/lazy/impatient. But I also see the joy and get upset at the thought of it not happening. I've spent the weekend very upset as our latest embryo transfer has failed. But it's also got me thinking.

Not sure what I'm asking really. I suppose, how do you make the decision? Did you have failed IVF then stop and make a decision to be childfree? I want whatever I/we do to be a positive conscious decision.
Or maybe you can convince me that being childfree is the best thing ever!

Absolutely through choice. I have zero interest in children. I find them tedious. When I see the lives of people with children, there is zero appeal. Less than zero.

I have 2 kids but non of the other things you describe.

Oh sorry this came up on active. I didn't realise it was a child free chat.

Yes I reached that point. I did ivf etc and there does come a point where, if it's not working, you have to decided whether you want to continue. The sheer stress of it all took us ages to recover from

I desperately wanted children but honestly if a baby dropped in my lap right now I would flat out panic and even be a bit resentful because several years on our life it good, and not child friendly (our niece lives with us currently but she's late teens so not the same thing at all!)

I'm not saying childfree is better (how could I when I don't know the other side) but it absolutely can be a lovely life

It's the other way around. Never made an active choice to have children, and the unspoken assumption was always that we wouldn't - it's such a huge decision, and it shocks me that some people go into it so lightly or based solely on emotions/how they feel. So the end result is being childfree which - the older I get - the more relieved and happy I feel to be in this position. So many positives, and no negatives.

I was originally childless not by choice. IBFdidn:t work and I didn't want to adopt or use donor gametes. Now at 62 I'm relieved we didn't have children and we are having a wonderful retirement.

I’m no help to you because I’m childfree by choice, I always knew I didn’t want children, but I just wanted to wish you luck with the outcome of whatever decision you make and say how sorry I am you’re in such a difficult position at the moment.

Watching with interest. We decided to stop trying 2 months ago. It's very hard. We've had years of difficultly TTC eventually getting pregnant, planning nurseries, choosing prams only for it to be another MC, I can't keep going through it so I understand where you're at with it all. I'm too old for IVF (a young 43) I'm trying to convince myself of the positives like you've mentioned, 100% freedom, zero financial ties etc but ultimately when you want that family unit you've dreamed of for so long nothing truly eases the pain of it not happening, maybe I'll get my head around it one day but I have to admit it's definitely not easy. Sorry you've had 3 failed IVF rounds.

Bit of both. Never felt maternal and find children to be pretty terrible company (even when I was one). By the time I got to an age where it might’ve turned around, I had to have a total hysterectomy.

No regrets about not having them, though. The people I know who have them tend to look miserable and I’m always being told not to have them as it’s awful?!

Nobody likes other people's kids!!

We did ivf for 9 years total (with breaks in between rounds). 7 rounds, pregnant twice- I had an ectopic pregnancy that nearly killed me and a late miscarriage at 16 weeks. I was relieved when our last embryo transfer failed, mixed with deep sadness/ grief too, of course. It was a lot to deal with emotionally, and I felt very very lonely throughout those years.

I’m in my 40s now, it’s been a couple of years since we decided to stop. A bit of bargaining crept in, I followed a donor conceived people’s forum for a year and seriously considered donor conception but ultimately decided not to. I had counselling. I’ve drawn the line and feel positive and excited about life again. I channel my nurturing/mothering energy through gardening, taking care of my dog, making good food for myself and my husband, teaching etc… And most importantly after many years of feeling like a failure, I’ve become more connected to and much kinder to myself. I don’t dwell on it much these days but have occasional times of sadness and tears. It’s easier for me to accept now because I know that fomo / regret are just a normal part being human and having children doesn’t necessarily mean a happier life. Finding meaning and connection in this life, now, is what counts.

First and foremost I didn't ever feel any real desire to have children - which was enough reason in and of itself.

There's the expense - there's things I'd sooner spend my money on.

I prefer dogs to children. I have a dog. The dog isn't a big fan of children (he'd prefer to be left in peace). Any traces of maternal instinct I have are spent on the dog.

My line of work (small business owner) isn't family friendly - I know people who have left the sector because the antisocial hours aren't compatible with family life, and another whose similar but bigger business collapsed after she had a premature baby. Ironically, most of my customers are families with children. I don't want to give up my business and start from scratch doing something else.

The discovery in my 20s that all the weird and unwonderful health complaints that had dogged me was actually a genetic condition that 50% of my children would inherit.

The risk that a child would have a learning disability or something else that would mean they never grew up and left home. I'm at no higher risk for that sort of disability than anyone else, but it's a terrifying thought.

The thought of the sheer drudgery associated with child rearing - school runs, picky eaters, extra cleaning, sports matches, playing interminably boring games and imaginary play (tried it with the niblings... hell).

Being able to take holidays to destinations that aren't child friendly at cheaper times of the year.

Being able to go to the pub without arranging childcare weeks in advance.

Not having my home trashed by small children. We have antiques.

Finally, I'm forever hearing parents moan about everything from sleepless nights to picky eaters to tantrums, and a lot of them just look miserable and defeated, but still try and persuade you to reproduce. Bizarre.

Thank you for your replies so far - lots to think about, and I'm sorry to those of you who have also had such a tough time with it all.

Yes the more I think about the reasons for having children the more shocked I am people do it, hence questioning myself. When people say things like, 'I wanted three' I find myself thinking - WHY? what will a third give you that two haven't? You say you can barely afford your life now - why have three? You say you're tired and lonely and, and, and... Also hear of people having second and third children to eventually 'look after' the first who was born with Downs and other such examples. A LOT of food for thought about decision making and people's reasons for having children (often none). Also thought a lot about donor eggs and sperm, surrogacy and so on.

If nothing else this process has stretched my brain

Or maybe you can convince me that being childfree is the best thing ever!

It might be easier if you consider it as (possibly)the right choice for you, rather the 'best thing' in an absolute sense.

You've listed several things in your OP that would be compromised at best by pregnancy and then the years-long tie of a baby/child - if you are 40 now, you would be pushing 60 by the time your child was grown up, and your responsibilities wouldn't end there - you might find yourself having to fund university costs, for example, just at the point you might be looking towards your own retirement. If your child had difficulties - health/mental health/disability - and was incapable of independence, the rest of your life might be spent in an active parenting role.

Like many here, I didn't want children so any choice would have been the other way round - needing to find reasons to have them - there were none, for me, that were strong enough to overcome my innate reluctance.

I think you are doing the right thing in seeking to make a conscious choice rather than drifting into a childfree life.

You might find this thread a useful read if you haven't already seen it:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/childfree-mumsnetters/4822862-childless-to-childfree

I just turned 40 and on the fence about wanting children. I flirt with the idea of maybe just one but I haven't met anyone I want to marry either. Not that you have to be married its just how I would want to do it.

I don't know if I will regret it but obviously having a child and regretting it is not something you can change.

I fear is the pregnancy itself, I don't want to go through it especially any pain.
I also don't know if I would cope with the relentless of it all

I see my nephews and its nice for a few hours but sometimes I am like wow could I do this all day everyday, I am not sure.

I wonder if I am a person who once I am in it I will manage and cope and love it but I just don't know.

I am not usually indecisive but I am over this matter. I just don't know. I guess if I never have one it won't be the worst thing I regret

I was never interested in having children at all, barring the "honeymoon" bit of a relationship where I was starry-eyed with love and romanticised the idea of us being a family unit etc. etc. That didn't last long!

I knew I really didn't want children when I walked away from a relationship (where my partner really wanted children) rather than have a child. I just knew it all - being pregnant, giving birth, losing my identity, life revolving around children and a "childed lifestyle" (e.g. child friendly holidays outside term time), a lack of peace and quiet, loss of independence and time for hobbies, the lion's share falling by default to the woman - just not being for me.

Or maybe you can convince me that being childfree is the best thing ever!

As @musixa said, you have to decide whether it's the best thing ever for you. I know it is for me because I made that decision when I was 15 and stuck to it for all of the reasons people have cited above; especially for me that I couldn't think of any good reason to have them that would overcome my feeling that this was something I didn't want to do.

Someone made a very good comment about childfree women on another thread - it's not a mild preference we have, it's part of us. I've led my life for decades on the premise that I have no children and never will have and life (and planning for the future) is designed around that.

I'm in a similar position - I'm about to turn 42, always assumed I'd have children by now, but life/pandemic got in the way and finally got round to trying IVF at 40. It failed, and since then have been saving for one more round with donor eggs.

I'm not a huge maternal type but I like children and could see myself being a mother. But I've also been driven by the fear of regret in the future if I didn't have one, and the feeling of time running out now I'm in my 40s. I've also always had huge pressure put on me by my mother to give her a grandchild (I'm an only child), and spent the last 5 years feeling guilty that I can't yet give her that.

However having to take time out to save for donor IVF has allowed us to spend time on ourselves, and we're slowly realising that maybe it's not so bad being child-free. Independence, money, freedom to travel, decent sleep! We both have good jobs and we're probably too old for sleepless nights. And there's no point worrying about regret, if life is good now, why change it?

I think the important thing is to make that decision when you're ready and then you can move on, either way. I'm not brave enough to make that choice yet... but I'm almost there.

Good luck @aaitch81. It's a tough one! I've ruled out donor eggs and sperm and so on so have my red lines which I guess does give me some sort of limit.

Someone shared this on the childless to child free thread mentioned further up, in case you're interested
www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/living-single/202003/7-reasons-people-shouldnt-fear-theyll-regret-not-having-kids?amp

100% by choice but love and solidarity with those who aren't in the same boat x

Good luck to you too! Great link, thank you.

I've bounced back and forth on the issue.

Since I was 19, I made the decision that I wouldn't have kids. I didn't have any maternal instinct or desire to mother. I just felt a keen lack of desire to do any of it, even though my friends (even at that age) would talk about their future babies, and coo over babies. I never did.

From then, I was very firm in my child-free stance. Then when I was 35, my nephew arrived and my perspective started to shift. I suddenly felt affection and fond of a child when I'd never liked them much before.

I was suddenly living in my own place, with a stable, steady job and a boyfriend, and I was contemplating the possibility. It was a combination of getting swept up in the excitement of my DN and the "now or never" question, I think.

I'd realised that my fertility window was narrowing, and I panicked. I started to wonder if I'd been wrong all these years. After many arguments with my boyfriend who would only give vague, non-committal answers to my "do you want kids?" questions we finally hashed it out and he confessed that he didn't.

I thought that answer would devastate me. I'd had so many plans for kids. The nursery had been picked out. Names chosen. Everything. Yet, when he said it, I felt nothing but relief. I was let off the hook. I knew then that I definitely didn't want kids. I couldn't handle the responsibility and I like my freedom too much.

The more I've thought about it, the more I realise that I was allowing my family to talk me into it. Not intentionally on their part-but remarks about what a great mother I'd be, how great it is to have a kid, how excited they'd all be if I had one-I started to ignore my own wishes and go along with theirs.

It almost hurt to disappoint them by announcing my firm child-free status, but I'm completely happy now. It's a hard choice to make-because there's always the possibility of regret-but I'm on the side of I'd rather regret not having them than having them and there's a definite possibility of me regretting having them.

There's a lot to love and enjoy about being a parent, but there's also a lot of joy and simplicity in being child-free and a lot of freedom and value in that as well.

I decided as a teen not to have children and haven't changed my mind since.

I have no desire to have a baby and never have done. Primary tokophobia on top of that sealed my decision.

If I.don't have a cat, I start hallucinating cats in my house. I imagine that being broody is similar, but for children?

The worst that happens is that when I am old, I regret not having kids. If that happens, the only person hurt by that decision is me. If I have kids that I don't really want, they would get hurt too, and they don't deserve that.

I’ve never wanted kids. I’m 40’s.

My life is full and interesting.

I have only child free friends and friends with kids who make a conscious choice to have an interesting life, so their conversation doesn’t focus solely around their child!
You have to make the effort to find them, but there are plenty of child free women who are keen to hang out with similar people and do interesting and fun stuff together.

My husband and I can holiday where and when we want, get back at midnight from days out, relax when we want to, there are no tantrums and hours at the park at 7am watching them go down the slide over and over……..

I like kids and babysit them, I’ve just never wanted them there all day, every day!

Could you volunteer/work with children if you feel like that would be fulfilling?