high need baby and childcare

[cantthinkofagoodname]

Hi - I am the mother of a high need 15week old girl. I am due to go back to work when DD is 11 months and I am really panicking. We were thinking of nursery but she is so demanding I don't think they will be able to accomodate (she only naps in a sling during the day and hates being put down for more than 10minutes). I just can't see her fitting into their routines. I am looking for a childminder who is flexible enough to meet my baby's needs without just leaving her to scream or telling her off for being 'difficult'. Can anyone recommend or advise on finding somebody comfortable with baby-led weaning and looking after a high need child in Nottingham?
Thanks

you can't tell whether she is 'high need' at 15 weeks unless she has some additonal health needs? You do not know how she will be at 11 months. She will probably be completely different by then.

Just start looking a couple of months before you need someone and go with someone you like and feel comfortable with. And inform them of any extra needs your child has so that they can decide whether they wish to take her on or not.

Unfortuntely decent local nurseries have waiting lists months long and are already filling up for Jan 2011. The childminders we have already spoken to are either already full or have very few spaces left. Therefore if we left it 2 months before we'd either end up with someone nobody else waznted or be stuck with no carer, which isn't an ideal situation.

We have a very demanding baby who needs a lot of input compared with other babies her age. She won't sleep in a cot and needs to be carried a lot of the time. She also has food allergies. We are desperate to find someone suitable and will pay over the odds for the right person who will handle DD sensitively.

Apart from the food allergies (how can you tell at 15 weeks anyway unless it is a milk allergy) what you describe sounds absolutely normal.

Ds always wanted to be carried etc. I would say a high needs baby is one with severe health needs.

What about a nanny?

milk, egg and soya allergies diagnosed by a peadiatrician.

My DD1 was very similar at that age but by the time she went into childcare at 13 months she was totally different. Your dd has tons of time to learn to sleep in a cot.

I know it's hard to see an end to it when they're that little but please try not to worry.

Eleanor - I know I must sound a bit precious, but my DD genuinely is very high maintenance! The GP told us it was colic, but she's never grown out of it (although we have now learned to manage her so she doesn't scream for 12 hrs a day despite being fed, winded, clean, warm etc!) She's a gorgeous bright little girl, but genuinely isn't like a lot of other babies and needs an awful amount of input to keep her happy and chilled.

I think if you've never had a baby like her you wouldn't understand, so people's puzzlement is understandable, and I totally understand the reaction this thread is getting.

What about a nanny?

Fab - An interesting idea - how would I go about finding a good one and how much do they roughly cost? Thanks x

I'm afraid I still agree with everyone else. I've been childminding over 5 years and had a shock when ds2 came along (he's just turned 2). He was a NIGHTMARE baby, everyone agreed and I think parents of mindees I look after were worried about me returning and how I'd cope with 4 under 19 months old with my baby being like this. I started back when he was 10 weeks old and although it was great and there was so much love between all the children, he was still a nightmare. From 15 weeks old he fed (b/f) every 2 hours, day and night for 4 months, I was exhausted. However, it did NOT last and he most certainly wasn't like it at 11 months, far from it! Yes, he's very energetic and a little monkey but the 'high need' phase really didn't last that long (although it felt like a lifetime at the time!).

For me, seeing a cranial Osteopath helped. He had stress from the birth and it affected his diaphram so a lot of it was pain/discomfort. I found out later that he was totally blue when delivered and they rub revived him. He was fine after (apart from the problems which we got sorted) but he had the cord wrapped round his neck 3 times VERY tight and it shocked his little body. Seriously, I cannot express how much of a nightmare baby he was but it really was only temporary.

I really don't think you need to panic at this stage. And allergies are a normal thing for us childcarers to deal with so that's fine.

Just meet some childminders in your area and chat to them about it and your concerns and see how they react to it but please don't worry too much at this stage

At 15 weeks your DD has a loooong way to go until she is 11 months

I went back to work when my DD was 8 months and she was a very different baby

I think a nanny may be a good idea if you feel she needs that level of attention but they are generally the most expensive form of childcare especially for an only

You can advertise in The Lady and the costs are varied. I wouldn't use an agency as you pay a lot basically for them checking references and you should be doing that yourself anyway. When I was a nanny I got most of my jobs through The Lady.

Honestly babies are different with different carers and a very oversensitive baby will often calm down once they're better able to control the world.

That said it might be that your DD gets overstimulated very easily and would be better at home with a nanny or with a CM who doesn't have lots of children. IME babies who cry a lot are those who are very sensitive to small changes in their environment so home based care is maybe better than a nursery anyway. A nanny is most likely to be able to accommodate your wishes as childminders, with even the best intentions in the world about flexibility, have other mindees and things like school runs to fit around!

As she grows and takes more of an interest in the world she'll probably get better about being put down - at 11 months she'll be able to sit and play, her concentration will have developed and she might be trying to cruise or walk, all of which mean she probably won't WANT to be held any more!

I agree with the advice not to label though. Be upfront with carers re: allergies, stress your parenting approach (sling, BLW) and let them find their way to deal with her. Your DD is not high-need in my book either tbh.

If you want a CM then look around soon but for a nanny you only need a 3 or possibly 4 month lead time, depending on your handover plans.

www.nannyjob.co.uk and your local netmums and gumtree are also good bets for finding a nanny.

Would it hurt to look at nurseries and find the best one you can and put her name down. I would have thought you could find a nursery which has a ratio of 1:3 or less for under 1s. They will want a small admin fee to register her, and probably 1 month's fees up front but if you can afford a nanny this prob won't be a problem for you. You will have to give 1 month's notice to cancel so you can see how DD is nearer the time and cancel her place if you don't think she will cope.

If you are really worried, then a nanny will be your best option as your DD will get 1 on 1 care and you can tell the nanny exactly how you want things done.

However, I doubt you'll be able to arrange this too far in advance - maybe 3 months before as people won't know what they're doing yet.

There is a table somewhere about the costs of employing a nanny but it's not a cheap option!

Have you tried cranial Osteopathy to try to help settle your dd, I don't personally have experience but a friend had a baby that sounds very similar and had amazing results after several sessions with a cranial osteopath.
As for finding childcare, you are right to look now as you sound a bit stressed out about it, but a nanny may suit you better as you have more control over your dd's routine and care.
I'm a cm and would be able to work with you to meet your childs needs, but I also have the needs of other children to accomodate as well.

OMG I just looked at nanny salaries and I'd end up earning very very little after that cost was paid!

I'm really really stressing about this. So you think I should send her to a good nursery or childminder and let them get on with it?

I just couldn't bear them leaving her to scream for hours because they couldn't be bothered or simply didn't have the resources to do what she needs, or labelling her as "naughty".

The other option is my simply giving up work and paying back my maternity leave money.

We're doing cranial osteopathy at the moment, and although there are some small improvements (she slept for a stretch of three hours the night of her last appointment!) its not so far being the miracle I'd hoped.

It can take time. I think you need to try and stop worrying about the future. Your baby is still so young, a lot can happen in 7 months.

Cranio involves minute movements - if she's seriously out of whack it will take a few manipulations before you see major results.

Which nanny salaries were you looking at? Nottingham is cheaper than London but it depends on your hours, the amount of experience you want them to have, the size of the kitty you plan to make available, whether you restrict mileage etc. What would your childcare budget be? Can you (or your DH) get childcare vouchers or tax credits to help with the cost?

Would you have space for a live in as that can cut costs?

No good childcarer will label your child as difficult or leave her to cry

They will have strategies to soothe and settle her

wrt allergies, most nurseries and Cms will have experience in dealing with children with allergies

An 11 month old baby can be completely different to a 13 week old!!! Honestly - there is no comparison. And no-one is going to label an 11 month old as naughty????

Dd's colic lasted until 4.5 - 5 months. Colic doesn't just magically stop at 3 months.

The week her colic stopped, she started teething.

I really do think you need to stop stressing so much about it. There is a world of difference between a 15 week old and an 11 month old.

You will not be able to have total control over your dd's routine and care unless you choose not to go back to work. The next most flexible is a nanny, followed by a childminder in my opinion.

My dd went to a childminder from 10 months old. The first arrangement went absolutely tits up! The bond just wasn't there between the childminder and dd, and after 3 months, we all agreed it wasn't working. However, I still believed that a childminder was the right place for my dd so I found another one. She was absolutely wonderful and dd stayed with her until she started school.