high need baby and childcare

[cantthinkofagoodname]

Hi - I am the mother of a high need 15week old girl. I am due to go back to work when DD is 11 months and I am really panicking. We were thinking of nursery but she is so demanding I don't think they will be able to accomodate (she only naps in a sling during the day and hates being put down for more than 10minutes). I just can't see her fitting into their routines. I am looking for a childminder who is flexible enough to meet my baby's needs without just leaving her to scream or telling her off for being 'difficult'. Can anyone recommend or advise on finding somebody comfortable with baby-led weaning and looking after a high need child in Nottingham?
Thanks

My baby was very much as you describe yours. He grew out of the "colic" around 6 months of age, and was a different child entirely by 11 months. Sleep was still an issue but he managed. Childminders will find their own way with children - they have to, they're all different and every parent's exact wished routine can't be followed with multiple children to care for. I do, however, have genuine sympathy for you because people who haven't had babies like this really don't understand what it is like.

My best advice (bearing in mind I went back to work at 6.5 months, with DP doing childcare, and it was still really stressful!) is to find a childminder who you get on with, trust and maybe who doesn't have a full quota of children. One who subscribes to your general ethos of parenting, whatever that might be (possibly not one who thinks if she's left to cry long enough she'll "learn" something, for example). DS is going to one who only has 4 on her books and doesn't generally like to have more than 2 at a time. She earns less than busier CMs but it's her preference not to have loads of littlies, and DS gets spoiled rotten lots of attention. It's suited us all really well.

A full-time (55 hours per week) live-out nanny may cost you £37,000 a year add about 20% if in London. That isn't unrealistic I feel.

Look at childminders... they will be in a better position I feel to provide your DD with more 1:1/1:2 care at periods of time in the day. A childminder will care for several children but the older children may be at pre-school, school ... so for certain parts of the day your DD and perhaps another toddler would be the only children being cared for by the childminder.

GOod point SoBloodyTired. My dd's second childminder charged more than other local childminders, but only ever had dd and one other child (during ther school day). It was her choice to work in this way and it suited us perfectly. We were happy to pay more per hour.

Thanks SoBloodyTired - glad to hear your baby outgrew the colic!

Does anyone have any ideas how I go about finding a sympathetic childminder? I've googled, but the one that looks perfect seems to already be full.

As I said, I'd pay over the odds for someone who understands babies like DD. (but really can't afford a nanny!)

Is there a website I can advertise on, or does anyone have any personal recommendations I can pursue?

Our council website has a link to a search thingy for registered childminders. Or I'm sure your local sure start centre will have one.

Do you have any other mum friends as a personal recommendation is a good start.

What about a nanny share?

Do you mind saying whereabouts you are in Nottingham, as I may have some personal recommendations?

No one, nursery or CM, would leave your baby to cry all day because no one likes listening to a baby cry all day.

I can see the benefits of both a nursery and a CM for a demanding baby - in a nursery carrying/rocking/entertaining duties can be shared between several adults whereas a CM may find it a bit more difficult to juggle with the needs of other differently aged children. But then a nursery may be over-stimulating and a CM could provide a more calm and gentle environment. I would visit a few nurseries and CMs before making a decision.

with regard to childcare as you feel your baby needs alot of 1:1 attention a nanny would be your best option as she will get their undivided attention and you have more of a say into her care and routine. A nanny could also do nursery duties such as baby washing/ironing, making up meals etc as long as she had time in between entertaining and caring for your baby.

you could try www.nannyjob.co.uk or www.netmums.co.uk

or the one local agency I recommend are www.kidsmatter.uk.com

my baby had colic, screamed all the time and we carried him around all day in a sling, honestly was a miracle if we could put him down for 15 minutes, he breastfed every hour and a half for an hour at a time at night and I can honestly say I never thought of him as a high needs baby! They change so much with time and outgrow colic although it does feel like it will last forever. They can also outgrow allergies although I don't know how at 15 weeks you would know a baby has an egg allergy? As a childminder, I would be happy to carry a baby round in a sling if it was a really good supportive one...in fact it would be the ideal option as baby carrying is so good for colicky babies, you just need to ask childminders what they are prepared to do...I would warn against labelling your baby as high needs though as this may put them off!

One which looks perfect from googling may be far from ideal when you meet. Lots of legwork, meeting them all, is the only way. You have lots of time

could be reflux/silent reflux - get your doc to check it out.

even if they are full now, they may not be when your dd is 11 months!! no childminder knows that far in advance whether they will have vacancies.

and just to add, my dc3 was a nightmare for 5 months with severe colic/reflux and now at 1 year is un recognisable as that baby.

You need to relax and it will really benefit your baby too.

My DD was as you describe: feeding every 2 hours, velcro baby who wouldn't be put down, sensitive to noise, cows milk allergy. I went back to work at 9 months part time and she went to a couple who childmind together. They were happy to carry her a lot (they are Phillipino and they told me that a lot of carrying and holding is normal for them culturally). She slept way better for them than she ever did for me and I absolutely trusted them not to leave her crying. She is 3 now and she still goes there. We'll all be quite sad when she goes to pre-school in Sept.
I do know how depressing it can be when your baby seems to be such hard work compared to others. I found it really made me doubt myself as a parent. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Since she turned 1 its all been uphill. She learnt to talk early, is very imaginative and can amuse herself for ages now. She is completely non-aggressive and we never had to deal with really bad tantrums. There is parenting karma and your day will come!

primrose i thought the same thing reading this post my ds was exactly the same until he was diagnosed and put on meds then he became a different baby

I also thought silent reflux/reflux. My dd was the same; carried around in a sling, screamed a lot, generally wasn't happy. She was medicated eventually, which she took til about 9 months which did help.

Flippin' hard work though, I feel for you. But my dd is the happiest, most chilled out, smiley 12 month old you can imagine so really impossible to tell.

Try to enjoy your time at home with her before you go back to work and don't panic about what will happen so far in the future.

Good luck

I second what everyone else says. I had 2 tricky children but it passes. My DS suddenly outgrew all his fussiness at about 5 months. No idea why. He is now 7 months and with a childminder 2 days per week (I work part time). My 2.5 yo DD was already with the childminder so she was known to us but I did worry about how she'd manage my DS.

They had a settling in session when he was at his most difficult. He slept in his cot for her She even took a photo. Children behave differently when they're with other people. Have you ever left your baby with anyone else? Family maybe?

Have you had a word with your Health Visitor? They can advise lots on sleep issues, baby being carried around a lot etc.

What happens when baby falls asleep? Do you continue to carry her around in sling? We are having really hot weather here in London and i would imagine this would make baby more uncomfortable.

Give it a go in the cot - you can only try!

WRT the allergies - she was being exposed to the proteins in my breastmilk. Of course we weren't feeding a 15wk old egg! CMP is a relatively common allergen in breastmilk as is soya and egg.

Scarfmaker - Good advice but my HVs (seems to be a different one each baby clinic!) are beyond useless and just tell me to leave her to scream. To be honest as she is gaining weight and not covered in bruises they aren't interested. Yes I have to leave her in the sling once asleep or she wakes up and screams when I try to take her out. Yes its hot but its that or have a baby who has had no sleep!

Of course I've tried to put her to sleep in the cot! As soon as I lie her down she screams and screams. I've left her before in a misguided attempt to "cry it out" (folliwing HV advice) I managed 10 mins outside the door of listening to my poor baby get more and more hysterical, and when I returned the sheets were sodden with her tears

Madamebovine - I've left her with my MIL and she behaved exactly the same as she does at home.

Anyway its gone midnight and I came down here for a break from the screaming baby. I'd better go back as my partner has to go to work in the am so needs some sleep.

WRT reflux, I've been given infant gaviscon by GP for her but all it seems to do is make her constipated! She's seeing paed in 3 wks so will raise it with him. GP is insisting its colic and we just have to get on with it.

Your GP/HVs sound terrible. I'd have thought they'd have done more to check for reflux as it's fairly common rather thanjumpong straight for allergies but if all they've is give you gaviscon.... Have you tried raising the head of the cot when you put her down? If it is reflux that might help?

How on earth do you sleep at night? You must be shattered, you poor thing.

DD1 was just like that. It was almost as if she hated being a baby. I tried absolutely everything and there was no medical reason for her sensitivities. She improved dramatically once she was able to sit/crawl (although was still a terrible sleeper) and at 12 months suddenly learnt to walk and sleep through literally within the same week - and became a lovely toddler! The first year of her life was vile though - I still shudder when I think of it.

Anyway - the reason for all of that was to say that by 11 months it is likely that she will be much less needy.

Frakkit - we don't sleep very much!

The thing is people have kept telling me she'll get better at 6 weeks, 10 weeks, 12 weeks etc and she really hasn't. I feel like I can't rely on the situation improving as the only answer becutse what if it doesn't?

If it's reflux I promise you it will improve when she's sitting and standing because it will take a lot of pressure off her poor throat and it will make lying down more bearable. Also weaning will help...

If it's that she's very oversensitive to everything then it should improve as she controls her environment more.

If it's colic then babies do grow out of it!

That said over the internet we have no idea what it's really like for your, we can only draw on our own experience of either having or caring for very challenging babies and we're definitely not qualified to diagnose whether it's reflux or 'just' colic/fussiness/overstimulation. We can, however, suggest strategies you might not have thought of. I found MN years ago because an ex-charge had a weird unexplained rash that just would not go away, didn't seem to be related to food, temperature, skin-care products, plants....you name it we'd tried to eliminate it. The hive mind suggested changing the brand of washing powder and bingo! Sounds obvious in hindsight but we'd totally missed it.

Honestly a needy 11 month old is very different to a needy 3 month old and that latter is much, much, much more difficult to cope with though. The old needs will be replaced by new ones!

Even if the situation doesn't improve you will be able to find a carer who can cope with your DD, though.

I've just taken her again to GP to ask about reflux and again been given gaviscon despite my saying it did nothing last time, and in fact made things worse by giving her constipation. I'm sitting here crying now because I'm sick of not being taken seriously. I feel like just packing my bags and leaving when DP gets home TBH. I can't take it any more,