Help - Nanny driving me CRAZY!!

[Babyrooboo]

I would be grateful if anyone - especially other nannies - could give me some advice on how to deal with my nanny. I posted last week under a different name about our problem with her asking repeatedly about meeting up with her friends but there are a number of other issues which are becoming increasingly difficult to ignore. I am aware that I am now so furious with her that I am at risk of being a tad unreasonable . As I have decided that I will have to talk to her about how we feel next week, I feel that some perspective would be useful. She has now been working with us for 9 weeks but she has only been on her own with the children for the last 6. I have two DSs (3 and 1). The list of concerns are:

1. She does not live local to us and commutes about 40 minutes by car. Within the first 2 weeks she she asked on numerous occasions if she could meet up with her nanny friends who live local to her or have them come to my house. I said that I didn't want her to drive them all over the country, so last week she asked if she could take them to meet her friends by train. It would be a long train journey with at least one change. She hadn't even researched it - she asked me to pick her up a train timetable!
2. We are fortunate that we live in town and there is plenty to do but it would be useful if she could take them out on short trips. However, I am too scared to let her drive them around too much because it turns out that she has a speeding offence (as do I so not a big deal on it's own). However, when it came to putting her on our insurance she disclosed that she had made a huge claim on her insurance a few years ago following an accident that was her fault. Our insurance company wouldn't insure her at all. We agreed that she could use her car but I am not altogether comfortable with her driving them around.
3. She disclosed that she has a history of Attention Deficit Disorder which means that, as a child at least, she had serious lapses in concentration. This makes me nervous but I have not seen any evidence of not being able to fully concentrate on my children - yet.
4. She quickly got into a routine in which DS2 slept all morning in the buggy whilst DS1 was at preschool. DS2 would fall asleep on the way to preschool at 9am and she would quietly push him into the dining room on her return. When it was time to pick up DS1 at 12pm she would simply take DS1 out of the dining room still in buggy and head off for the preschool. Presumably he was still in the nappy that we put him in at 6am.
5. After such an exciting morning - both children were treated to a trip to the park (DS2 again in the buggy). This routine was the same all three days she works. No art, no new fun games, no age appropriate varied activities. The same routine every day. I had told her that there are lots and lots of groups in our town and that we were happy to pay for any classes. I even gave her a magazine with all of the local classes in it.
6. She asked for the password to our broadband internet so that she could use it on her iphone. As of yet we have seen no evidence for any work related research. I can only presume that she is using it solely for her own use. I don't mind of bit of this but it should also be used to research trips or activities.
7. One day in week 6 of employment she admitted that the kids had not had such a great day because she had forgotten to hand in her essay to college - her solution was to drive my children to her college to hand it in. A trip that took them all afternoon. She said that she was able to pacify DS1 with chocolate but DS2 was not very happy.
8. The next day she said that her commute had turned out to be more expensive than she imagined and could she have a pay rise. We said no - that it would be reviewed at the end of the year.
9. With the all the sleeping in the buggy DS2 started to refuse to have naps in his cot during his days with me. It transpired that she had never really tried to get him to sleep in his cot - I guess she figured that the buggy is so much easier.

At this I became aware of all of this I set a review. I concluded that she is fundamentally a nice girl who needed more direction. I said that DS2 needs to relearn how to sleep in his cot and children need a varied routine with lots of age appropriate activity. Also told her again to look into groups and activities that the children could go to and would give her the opportunity to meet friend for her self.

1. The next day DS2 was under the weather with a temperature. I decided to go to work but told her to take it easy and not worry to much about doing lots of things that day. Later that day I got a phone call from my neighbour saying that DS2 had been screaming for half an hour non-stop. Turns out she had used that day to reteach him how to fall asleep on his own. I told her that when a child is ill they will need to held a lot. I told her not to worry about it too much and because he was ill and now very distressed to hold and rock him until he is completely asleep and then put him in his cot.

10. She must still be doing this because now DS2 is now refusing to go into his cot awake. Last night I spent an hour trying to rock him to sleep. 10. I think that she lied to me about the children's afternoon naps the last day she was here this week. She managed to get both of them asleep at 2pm. She claims she woke them at 3pm. Neither child could fall asleep that night until after 9pm. This never happens so I think she let them sleep for a long time in the afternoon. 11. Despite the reminder about local groups, all she has managed to identify was a toddler group on the way back from DS1s nursery. She goes one morning a week. This is the only group/class that either of my children go to with her. As far as I am aware nothing is planned for half term. 12. She is not managing to engage DS1 who now says that he does not like her. It is hard to say how much of this is due to him not wanting me to leave. She has admitted that she finds it difficult to motivate him and he often says no to the activities that she suggests. I told her that she needs to set up the activities and make them appear exciting. She says this has helped. 13. I am sure that she thinks that I am a killjoy because all of the activities she has suggested I have said no to. She wanted to take them both swimming once a week. I wouldn't even dream of taking them both swimming on my own. Trips really far away from our home. Why can't she find anything local to do? 14. DS1s eating has taken a setback. He is a fussy eater anyway. I found out that she was offering him lots of options to get him to eat. One day she gave him sweetened popcorn instead of a meal "to make sure he had something to eat". He now tried to negotiate with us at mealtimes and often refuses whole meals.

I am trying to hold onto my belief that she is a nice person but every now and again I think that she is just taking the piss. I don't want to fire her before we have a really good go at working it out. However, I really don't think that she knows what she is doing and much of the time it really feels like babysitting and nothing more. Am I unreasonable to expect more from a nanny? I feel like I will need to do all of the planning for her and teach her about really basic childcare such as the need to teach children how to fall asleep on their own and how to motivate a 3 year old.

I am sorry that this is so long but I am at the end of my tether. I plan to talk to her next week and need some help.

blueshoes - I liked your advice a lot and I think that we will certainly need to become more skilled at being decisive and terminating with a nanny sooner rather than struggling on. How would you go about firing a nanny such as ours? We feel that it would be costly and dread the thought of needing to work with the nanny during her notice period - 8 weeks! We decided to give her an 8 weeks notice period in her contract because we were worried about finding another nanny in less time than that. I guess we had been overly optimistic in our thinking about how this nanny would present herself and did not imagine that we would want to actually fire her.

Where do you, or anyone else, find your nannies? We used an agency before but it was stupidly expensive for very little work or support from them.

Sorry to be so clueless about this but we are learning as we go. Learning fast.

8 weeks is a rather long notice period. Was there any probationary period in which the notice was less?

Given that you have used an agency... how about talking to them. They may of course be useless but then you may find your contract with the agency is that they have to replace the nanny if things don't workout within a certain timeframe.

Nannies can often be found on various internet sites such as:
www.nannyjob.co.uk
www.childcare.co.uk
www.gumtree.com

Not sure what you can do about the notice period... paying her for all that time will cost you a lot. Having her work whilst on notice may not be a very good atmosphere.

8 weeks is rather a long time - would you be able to pay her off?

As a nanny, I personally don't think agencies do anything you can't do yourself. As you've learned, it's really important that you verbally check references yourself, and don't just rely on the agency to do so - they have a financial interest in placing a nanny with you, so won't be as thorough as you'll be anyway.

You could advertise your job on Gumtree, Nannyjob and Netmums. Ask for someone with a CRB check, a paediatric first aid certificate, and Ofsted registration if you want to use childcare vouchers.

If you hire a nanny again, include a probation period in the contract (1 - 3 months is typical) during which time either side can terminate with a week's notice if things don't work out.

Hilarious.

You'll look back in 10 years time and shake your head at how much it doesn't matter where a one year old sleeps.

I hope you get it sorted out to your very specific satisfaction

Babyroo, I agree with nannynick.

Is there a probationary period in the contract which allows for shorter notice period? If it has to be 8 weeks, you will have to live with her for that time, find a new nanny as quick as can be (pressure the agency if need be), and then if the new one can start earlier, pay this one off for the remainder of the notice period. Hopefully that will limit your losses.

I would look at backup emergency childcare (annual leave, grandparents, workplace nursery etc) just in case she does a runner.

Out of interest, how long did she last in her previous 2 jobs. How did they end? Any chance she might quit instead?

The changeover is a real hassle, there is no way round it. But it is worth it if you come out with a winner at the other end.

Babyroo, I have to confess that my experience is with hiring/firing aupairs rather than nannies. But because the turnover is higher amongst aupairs, I have more experience in this aspect than I like!

I have used aupairs for children your dcs' age but as wraparound for ft nursery.

I would agree with Missus that there is nothing agencies can do you cannot do yourself. In fact, I prefer to do it myself because agencies, unless you got a recommendation for a good one - hopefully other mntters can help - don't always do the checks you would expect of someone you are inviting into your home to look after your nearest and dearest.

Feel free to trawl the archives in this section, lots of tips for hiring nannies. My 2p worth:

• Good to have your 3 week overlap/training period. But might be a bit of a luxury if you have already started employment. Try to cut down to one week max, put things in writing (eg ground rules, schedules local activities, other nanny contacts). My induction period for aupairs is 1-2 days and I have an aupair folder for them! Before each aupair leaves, I ask her for tips and contacts to add to the handbook.

• Have a probationary period with termination on shorter notice - I would recommend 3 months probation. How long did it take for this nanny's spots to show?

• Build in review periods and keep to them

• Follow up references religiously and over the phone - see below. Referees are very important.

• During the interview, leave the nanny in the room with dcs for a moment (eg make coffee), when you come back, she should be interacting with dcs.

• At the end of the day, there is still a large element of luck. So don't beat yourself up. Move on.

• My dcs never really minded who looked after them. They changed carers at nursery, aupairs etc without a backward glance, no matter how fond they were of them. Obviously, do gauge your dcs' reaction to change, but don't feel you have to maintain continuity for that sake alone. Their primary bond is overwhelmingly with you and dh.

When I was a nanny it was normal to have 1 weeks notice in the first trial month period and then 3 months after that.

I worked for one family where the child was rocked to sleep and I had to try and get him to sleep in his cot. Nightmare.

blueshoes thank you for taking the time to give us your 2p worth. It will be very helpful when we are next in the market for a new nanny - which could be tomorrow.

FabIsGoingToGetFit we have a one month probationary period with one weeks notice and then 8 notice after that. It is a nightmare teaching children to fall asleep on their own. Rocking babies and children to sleep is really easy for parents to fall into because it is so emotionally difficult to see your baby upset. It is surprising to us that a nanny would actually train a previously sleep trained child to be rocked to sleep.