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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Discovered babysitter is taking my son to her house without telling me!

63 replies

MGMidget · 25/05/2010 20:55

I've found a regular babysitter to look after my son for a few hours each week during the day. I thought it was going great until a couple of his toys disappeared and he told me he left them at her house! She lives miles away - a reasonable train journey. I hadn't made a rule that she shouldn't take him to her house as it hadn't occurred to me that she would. I suppose I thought it was implicit that she wouldn't do that without asking for permission. Now I'm worried as I feel she ought to have known that I wouldn't approve of it and she didn't tell me she took him there! Not sure if I'm overreacting though - should I terminate the arrangement with her right away or have a discussion and set some ground rules then monitor it? Its always possible that my son has got confused as he is only 2.5 but he seemed pretty clear about it.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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bumbums · 25/05/2010 21:09

Remember that you are the emplyer and she's the employee. You set the ground rules for what you expect from her. Arrange a meeting with her and tell her that your son has made you aware that he's been to her house more than once. Ask is this true? Then explain that you are unhappy with this. Then wait to see how she reacts. Find out whether she will continue to babysit your son on your terms or not.

Missus84 · 25/05/2010 21:21

Has she been a nanny before? Maybe her last employer didn't mind so she didn't think it would be a problem. I know of a few nannies who take their charges home with them sometimes.

TheFatOwlOfTheRemove · 25/05/2010 21:23

Is she registered with Ofsted? If not and if you are paying her I think it is illegal if she has him for more than 2 hours (could be wrong though)

I would be deeply unimpressed about her taking him anywhere without consulting his mum, personally

Missus84 · 25/05/2010 21:27

I don't think a nanny taking a child occasionally home with them would be a concern of Ofsted - it would have to be more than 2 hours a day to register as a childminder iirc.

Strix · 25/05/2010 21:56

I think you are overreacting. Teminating an arrangement for something you have never even told her you don't want her to do is a big lack of communication on your part.

Furthermore, she is your nanny and you are her employer. I suspect this is news to you, judging from your use of the word "babysitter".

Do you have a contract which outlines the job description and whatever dos and don't are important to you? I don't believe there is a one size fits all nanny description. Different things are important to different people. For example, I wouldn't mind if my nanny took my kids back to her house (if she wasn't live in), but most people on here probably lagh at my OTT food rules (i.e. no white bread and no nutrasweet).

nannynick · 25/05/2010 22:47

I agree with Strix. If you have not set out the ground rules then how is she to know. Has it ever been made clear to her that all care is to be provided at your home?

If you don't want her to do it... tell her. Make it clear what the terms are, such as you want your DS cared for at your home (or on trips out to the park etc... there is another thread on here at present about Outings).

Assuming you are in England, the Ofsted rules could be used as a way of encouraging her not to take your DS to her home. If it happens on a regular basis and is for more than 2 hours, then it could breach the Childcare Act 2006. She may not be aware of the rules.

Original poster

MGMidget · 25/05/2010 23:03

Yes, I do have a contract but there is no clause ruling out taking my child to her house! I just hadn't anticipated it would be necessary! Its not so much the fact that she took him there that concerns me, more why she would do it. I'm assuming there wasn't anything sinister going on but she might have wanted to get something done at home - in which case she wasn't giving him the attention I had expected. Its unlikely her home would be particularly childproof and expecting him to occupy himself for an hour or two with only a couple of small toys would be asking for trouble.

OP posts:

nannynick · 25/05/2010 23:12

I would wonder why she would take him home as well... did she give a reason?

mummysaurus · 25/05/2010 23:15

It is a bit odd that your babysitter is taking your ds to her house particularly given it is some way away and she only has him for a few hours.
It is also a bit concerning that she hasn't told you herself. Yes your ds could have got it wrong but you should definitely ask her about it.

Original poster

MGMidget · 26/05/2010 00:12

Yes, I intend to ask her about it. No reason was given because she didn't tell me about it. She told me they had gone to a cafe and to the park plus done a little train ride and bus ride for fun (as my son is obsessed with trains and buses!). No mention was made of going to her house or anyone else's house so either my son has got it wrong or she's being underhand with me!

OP posts:

RobynLou · 26/05/2010 00:22

they could have gone on the train for fun, and she might've said to your DS that this is the train she gets home, pointed out where her house is.....

I think before you've spoken to her about it you should think the best of her. DS is only 2.5, my 3 year old is prone to incredible flights of fancy and often tells DH what we've done today...but we haven't done anything like what she says!

Original poster

MGMidget · 26/05/2010 00:42

Thanks, v. helpful. My DH has flown off the rails and wants me to get rid of her! I'm trying to be rational about it but our nanny who works on the other days (i.e. not the babysitter in question) got him worried as my son told her this story and she reported it in a concerned way. Fair enough, she's doing her job but I do know our son can tell fantastic stories sometimes so this could be just his imagination. However, the fact that a couple of his toys went missing that day makes me wonder...

OP posts:

RobynLou · 26/05/2010 00:56

of course, it's a bit odd, but there could be a very simple explanation, if you let yourself think it over too much you'll make yourself crazy!

you trusted her enough to care for your child so I think you should think the best until you've spoken to her.

cat64 · 26/05/2010 01:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Thediaryofanobody · 26/05/2010 01:14

She has mislead you on what she does when your son is in her care, that IMO makes her untrustworthy. I agree with your husband instant dismissal.

giraffesCANdriveAcar · 26/05/2010 05:33

Instant dismissal without talking to her first?!

Milkmade · 26/05/2010 06:43

FWIW my 2/ 12 year old told me yesterday she played with giraffes at nursery. She also utterly and vehemently denied doing any painting, despite a) her communication book stating "littlemade enjoyed painting today", b) paint splattered trousers, and a c) new peice of "art" making its way into the house. Try and get the full story from someone a lottle older!

btw she can't be that far away if she only looks after your kid for a few hours, but still has time to get to and from her house, and, you suspect ask your DS to "occupy himself for an hour or two with only a couple of small toys") and have him settled back home by time you come in...

ProfYaffle · 26/05/2010 07:04

I'd agree that you should make sure what your ds has told you is actually true before taking drastic action.

My dd2 has a whole imaginary 'other' life including her 'other house', 'other Mummy' etc she knows what the cats are called, what colour the car is etc etc and tells Nursery staff completely mundane, yet completely untrue, little domestic stories from this fantasy life.

Strix · 26/05/2010 09:26

I can't understand why your DH has flown off the rails. You have every right to say to nanny that you don't want your DS spending time at her house. But, the fact that she has assumed it is okay is not really cause for alarm. It is just cause for a casual chat and clarification of what you do/don't want.

Tell your DH to settle down. I can't really see this is worth freaking out over. Just talk to the nanny and tell her what your expectations are.

It is possible she just popped in for 5 mintues as they passed by and so didn't think it a report worth event.

If you asked me what I did yesterday, I would probably say I went to work, spent too much time on MN, and went home and saw the kids, put them to bed and cooked dinner. AS it happens I also stopped at Tesco on the way to work, but I would probably not mention that, and not because I was intending to deceive you.

If you don't have one already, I would highly recommend a nanny diary where you can read in more detail what they have done with the day. Just get one and nanny, babysitter, and you can all write in it. And, it makes a great keepsake in later years.

backtotalkaboutthis · 26/05/2010 09:30

You are not overreacting. It's an odd thing to do without asking or telling you. Very strange indeed. Very strange.

You need to firstly, establish the truth. Secondly say you don't want it to happen. Not too complicated.

backtotalkaboutthis · 26/05/2010 09:32

Oh I forgot. Thirdly, don't be afraid. Too many people are terrified of the domestic or childminding staff who work for them. There's no need for this.

moogster1a · 26/05/2010 10:05

backtotalkabouthis, I agree that relationship, but just to be pedantic, childminders don't work for parents, they are self employed.

backtotalkaboutthis · 26/05/2010 10:07

Yes I guess. But you are employing their services and many people do seem to be so terrified of ever saying don't do this or I don't like that -- you know what I mean, as if it's a sort of guilt trip.

Missus84 · 26/05/2010 11:02

I don't think it's that odd for a nanny to take a child back to their own home occasionally tbh, lots do.

Tanith · 26/05/2010 11:10

Not "I guess" at all! Childminders are self-employed and you are using their services in the same way that you would use the services of a nursery, unless you care to take responsibility for their national insurance and other benefits that an employee would expect.

Nor would I expect any parent to say "Don't do this" as though I were a child. I'd expect them to discuss the situation with me and for my own views and that of the other parents to be taken into account. When you work with more than one family, you have to consider all their needs, not have one parent laying down the law. Any parent who can't accept this is free to leave, of course...

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