Discovered babysitter is taking my son to her house without telling me!

[MGMidget]

I've found a regular babysitter to look after my son for a few hours each week during the day. I thought it was going great until a couple of his toys disappeared and he told me he left them at her house! She lives miles away - a reasonable train journey. I hadn't made a rule that she shouldn't take him to her house as it hadn't occurred to me that she would. I suppose I thought it was implicit that she wouldn't do that without asking for permission. Now I'm worried as I feel she ought to have known that I wouldn't approve of it and she didn't tell me she took him there! Not sure if I'm overreacting though - should I terminate the arrangement with her right away or have a discussion and set some ground rules then monitor it? Its always possible that my son has got confused as he is only 2.5 but he seemed pretty clear about it.

Of course, wouldn't you visit a childminder's home before agreeing to employ them? I visited the nursery where my DS goes to, and considered what the place was actually like - I should want to see where my child spends time at, especially when little and accident-prone.

I don't think "babysitter" implies stay at home, especially not when the job is during the day. I also would dispute that a babysitter is only there to watch tv while children sleep.

But, I do think a babysitter is someone who is used for fairly short periods on an ad hoc basis and is therefore not an employee. But, as OP stated this person is used on a regular basis and she does have contract (I assume an employment contract) so I think this "babysitter" on is most likely a part time nanny.

When I was 12 I used to babysit. If it was during the day (as it often was) we would go out to the park or go for a walk. I suppose these were different times when everyone did this and no one talked about their local pre-teenager being an employee.

I always thought a babysitter was just a kid who watched your children while you went to the pub for a few hours!!!

imo you should use a regulated child care provider, a cm or nanny, or put your child in a nursery..

It seems to me you have taken on this woman without any sort of agreement on expectations or ground rules and then take exception when she takes him out...

why wouldnt you want him to go out incidentally.. long spells in the houise are so boring for child and carer.

i am a cm and take my mindees out every day.

I really really dont understand your dh attitude, didnt he think to interview her with you anrd talk through the day and expectations of care of your child...???

so midget has a nanny and a babysitter who looks after her child during the day (i would define a bs as someone who looks after children in evening/asleep)

i certainly dont ask my mb if i can go out for a walk/museum/my house/see friends etc

i expect my mb to trust me and she does,if she trusts me to look after her children/be in charge of house/keys/car/dog etc then i expect her to trust my judgement

agree some children will say did abc and nursery says did xyz and deny they did it

you say bs lives miles away, a reasonable train journey - how far away?

IF you dont want the bs(2nd nanny) to do something then tell her

us nannies are not mind readers - strix tells nannies no white bread/choc spread and this is fine - as the nanny knows!!!

Why do you call her a babysitter? That implies a casual, every now and then arrangement rather than a regular daily or even weekly occurence.

Agree with others that if you're happy for her to take your DS on a train (no limit to how far they go?) then it's not a great leap to them popping into someone's house at the other end.

I feel that I should apologize to the nannies and childminders above if my comment sounded unreasonable...
Maybe it's that my DS is always looking for trouble, in the exploratory way toddlers his age do, and so if he were to habitually stay over a house, I would like to know that it's safe for him. I didn't want to imply that a nanny shouldn't take him out, ladies.

Even a childminder would take their charges to places that parents haven't personally vetted though. A nursery is the only place you can guarantee you know exactly where your child is all day.

You're right Missus, it's just that I'm aware that the place where the worst accidents happen is the kitchen. Recently, a little boy (around 16 months) that leaves at the same block as my parents, nearly died and will have plenty of operations because he toppled the kettle and got scolded. For such reasons, I find homes more tricky than the outdoors.
Also, I responded to the term "babysitter" rather than nanny or CM, who I can appreciate are professionals that adhere to proper standards. If yourself are one, I'm sure you know more on those issues than I do.

Just to clarify. My 'babysitter' only works 3 hours max a week and not every week and doesn't even give my DS a meal. My 'nanny' works full days on other days and has far wider responsibilities. Doesn't really matter whether you prefer the title 'nanny' or 'babysitter' for a 3 hour stint. She takes my son out because he hates staying in when the weather is nice and the 'babysitter' has the experience to give me confidence in her taking my son out. However, if she really did have him at her house and took toys there to entertain him I would be uncomfortable with that. I don't know how safe her house is for a start and if she wants to play with him indoors our house has plenty of toys and is safe enough for my liking! I didn't mind a short train journey to entertain my DC but I'd assumed she had gone one stop and back again for entertainment! Anyway, there's definitely a need for a discussion with her!

I agree midget. Maybe not even a discussion, if you don't want it to happen. Just say, can you not do that next time. Good luck.

Yes, I definitely don't want it to happen but I need to tactfully raise it with her since it is her word against my son's! Having gently questioned my son several times, leaving a gap of a couple of days each time so he forgets what he said last time, I'm getting very consistent answers from him and his toys definitely went missing when he was with her. So I need to find out what she 'knows' about the toys then gently move on to where my son told me he left them and see what she says! I don't want to alienate someone who is otherwise good but I also want to know that I can trust her to care for my son properly and genuinely rather than taking him to her house so she can get on with something and leave DS unsupervised! My son (on gentle questioning) told me he played 'all by himself' at her house and that she wasn't in the room with him. Not very reassuring if its true...Oh and I paid her extra for the train and bus journeys - I wondered why she said it didn't matter and didn't want any money, now it might be making sense! If a babysitter or nanny told me that took my son to their house at least they would be open and honest - then any concerns could be discussed straight away. It is more the fact that she has perhaps kept it from me that is worrying me! Anyway I wait in suspense as she has been on holiday so there's a two week gap before I will see her again.

think you need to be blunt and ask has she gone back to her house and then say you would prefer that she didnt

you say she only works 3 hrs,so cant live that far away/travel for that long to get there and back and have a play in the 3 hrs

my dc often come tomy house,they love playing with my hammys/the toys i have and having tea there as a treat - but im honest about it

I am a grandma who looks after dgs1 and dgs2 regularly.I live about 9 miles away from them and quite often pop them in the car and take them to my house.I dont ask dd but we always tell her about it.I wouldnt think twice about taking dgs1 on a train ride either.