Discovered babysitter is taking my son to her house without telling me!

[MGMidget]

I've found a regular babysitter to look after my son for a few hours each week during the day. I thought it was going great until a couple of his toys disappeared and he told me he left them at her house! She lives miles away - a reasonable train journey. I hadn't made a rule that she shouldn't take him to her house as it hadn't occurred to me that she would. I suppose I thought it was implicit that she wouldn't do that without asking for permission. Now I'm worried as I feel she ought to have known that I wouldn't approve of it and she didn't tell me she took him there! Not sure if I'm overreacting though - should I terminate the arrangement with her right away or have a discussion and set some ground rules then monitor it? Its always possible that my son has got confused as he is only 2.5 but he seemed pretty clear about it.

Yes of course they are. It's an exchange of services and there's no need to feel any kind of guilt about specifying the service you require. The OP shouldn't be afraid of talking about it.

I don't think the OP is erring on the side of being too timid. She is thinking about sacking this girl for something she has never been asked not to do. When one manages an employee, they should expect to do just that: manage them. Nobody expects there employees to just know what to do all the time without meeting / announcements / written and verbal clarification. This is all part of managing. It is difficult with ananny because you aren't there while she is at work. But, still, you have a responsibility to behave like her manager.

I would not expect a babysitter to take my child out of my house on a train ride to another house without telling me where my child is. Would you?

I would remove my child from a childminder who was apparently too stupid to know it was inappropriate not to let a parent know where here 2.5 yo is.

In fact I can't believe anyone would defend a babysitter as not doing anything wrong because she hadn't been told not to do it.

Common intelligence would really be enough to know that you let a parent of a 2.5 yo know where their child is.

please don't conflate babysitter (casual child care) with childminders and nannies (professionals)

AS this is a "regular babysitter" I would expect her to get on with it. And as it is daytime, yes, I would expect her to leave the house if the urge struck her to do so.

As I said earlier, everyone is different. Some parents will be happy with this and others won't. Either is fine, but if she does something the parent doesn't like than the parent should have a chat. There is no cause for alarm. Simple misunderstanding.

I believe it has already been established that a "regular babysitter" is actually a part time live out nanny with a contract.

Curious as to why you have a nanny and a baby sitter.

You need to talk to her and say you do not want her doing again and she is to bring the toys he left back the next day. Should you be concerned that she would get cross with your child for telling you then she shouldn't be looking after him.

Strix - you can't cover every possible scenario over what not to do. And if the babysitter thought it was okay why didn't she tell the mother?

is she a professional? do you have to be a professional to have a contract? I just thought she said babysitter

god I would expect a professional to have more sense than not to let the parent know, tbh

I think the mum needs to say (and as far as I can tell this conversation has not yet happened)something like:

mum: Hi. I can't find DS' toys. He said he left them at your house yesterday. Is this true?
Nanny/BS: Oh yes we stopped in because we were in the area and I spilled juice on my shirt so wanted to change quickly before the stain set in. I chucked it in the wash and must have forgotten his toys then.
mum: Oh I see. I'd actually prefer that DS spend his time in this neighborhood. So, in future can you please not take him to your house?
nanny: Oh. Okay. Sorry, it didn't occur to be to be a problem. But, of course, we won't do it again.

There. Happy ending.

If you hire someone on a regular basis to look after your child and that person is not operating as a childminder, then he/she is your employee. You could give them any job title upo which you both agree, including but not limited to "nanny". There are no formal qualifications which are legally required to be a nanny.

backtotalkaboutthis - I wouldn't inform the parent every time I left the house with the child, can't imagine anyone would want to be disturbed repeatedly at work with updates every time we went to the park.

The nanny may have acted perfectly innocently, or she may be hiding something, but you can't know until you ask her.

But missus if they already know you will take the child out, it's different.

I would start a job assuming I could take a child out during the day, unless specifically told not to.

Good lord. And without telling the parent you would take the child miles on a train? I think that's extraordinary.

The train ride doesn't seem to be a problem for the OP.

And yes if I felt it was a reasonable distance and a worthwhile trip I would take a train trip somewhere, and wouldn't call the parents to tell them unless they'd asked to be told about trips in advance.

I think that's strange. But there we are.

I was a nanny and I wouldn't call the mother to say we were going for a walk but if we were going further afield I would normally check it was okay. Just common courtesy.

It's quite common for me to come home and discover DS has been to the "Dinosaur Museum" (Natural History museum to everyone else). This comes to my attention when DS can no longer contain the excitement. This is fine. Nanny doesn't need my permission to walk out the door. And she doesn't need it to get on a train into London (which takes about 40 minutes) either. If you don't trust your nanny to organise and execute the day, she isn't much of a nanny.

(now I relise this doesn't really apply to OP as she has a regular "babysitter" who only comes a few hours a week. So possibly different. But, the point is certainly valid for nannies who work say a 10 hour day.

I still think it is acceptable for the mother to be asked/informed if the nanny is taking her children on a long trip.

I agree with that. But, once mum has been informed (unreliably by a 2 year old), the appropriate course of action is a calm and cool discussion to find out what happened. And if that poin mum is not happy with the course of action, it is then time (again, calmly) to advise nanny of her preferred dos and don'ts.

I think the term "babysitter" implies caring for the child at home... It's different to take the child to the park or on the bus to taking him to a house. Unless she is a registered childminder you wouldn't know if her house is childproofed, if she has any animals you're weary of etc.
My DS is a very active boy who likes to climb stairs, so I would want to know where he goes has a stairgate, for example. Actually, if he was to spend time at somebody's house I would definitely want to visit and see what the place is like.

I think a chat would be good, and then you could make it clear what you expect of the time she spends with your DS.

"Actually, if he was to spend time at somebody's house I would definitely want to visit and see what the place is like." Seriously?

"Babysitter" implies someone who comes round on an occasional evening and watches TV while the kids are in bed though. A regular, contracted day time childcarer is normally called a nanny. Maybe that's part of where the problem with expectations has arisen from.