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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

So I asked the CM why DD's cardigan smelled of smoke....

74 replies

whattheheck · 05/05/2010 22:47

....thanks to excellent advice given earlier.
CM replied straightaway not defensive or anything.
Says that friend she goes to visit on Tues is a smoker but doesn't smoke in front of kids, but had picked up DD because DD was scared of a dog said friend was looking after, and that's how her cardigan came to smell of smoke.
So it's good that she explained...but in role of PFB-Mumzilla I'm now worrying about DD going to a smoker's house once a week. I'm not sure that's great from a passive smoking point of view even if she's not smoking in front of her. Or am I being really precious now?
This woman sounds like a really good friend of CM's. She goes there every week. I just had no idea til today she was a smoker.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

nanny2mummy · 05/05/2010 23:00

I would not want my child to spend time in a smokers house
I used to be a smoker and I know how bad the smell is and that nicotine is deposited everywhere and your child can still be a passive smoker even though the person in question is not smoking in front of them
Your childs skin will still allow nicotine to slip trough and that is just as bad as inhaling it

Missus84 · 05/05/2010 23:04

Does your DD go to the childminder full time? Maybe you could ask she visits the friend on a day your DD isn't there. Or she could come to your CM?

Is the friend a CM too? Her being a smoker wouldn't bother me in itself, so long as she never smoked in the house. If she normally smokes in the house but just doesn't when children are there, that's different.

MaryMotherOfManchego · 05/05/2010 23:06

She goes there only once a week and the woman doesn't smoke in front of her.

Really, there are worse things she's going to come across.

Missus84 · 05/05/2010 23:11

Actually I wouldn't be that happy about the children being taken to a house that has a strange dog in it either... I'd be more worried about that than the smoking, as the dog won't be familiar with the children and vice versa.

MaryMotherOfManchego · 05/05/2010 23:15

OP, was dog a rottweiler or ancient labrador?

I only ask cos DS was scared of a baby bunny once. Tears and everyting. Apparently it moved.

I'm not saying small children should be left on their own but dogs aren't necessarily a problem.

I don't know why I'm on this thread. I'm neither a smoker nor a dog owner. :bored and picky:

As you were.

Missus84 · 05/05/2010 23:21

It's irrevelant what kind of dog it is though, isn't it? It didn't belong to the adults present, it may not have been used to children. If it was the CMs own dog she'd have done a risk assessment.

MollieO · 05/05/2010 23:26

I'd be more concerned about the dog than the smoke but I'd not be happy with either. I'd also think it is not the best use of her CM time - what are her mindees doing when she is chatting with her friend?

FrakkinTheReturningOfficer · 06/05/2010 05:44

Also in the not thrilled camp. Glad CM gave you a straight answer but wouldn't be happy about the smoking house or the dog tbh.

Original poster

whattheheck · 06/05/2010 07:07

I wasn't thrilled about the dog either (it was a tiny one apparently) but I thought if I said I was unhappy about that too I'd get flamed on here as a totally paranoid mother.

MaryMotherofManchego that's why I asked because I don't like my DD being around someone who might not actually smoke in front of DD but if can still leave a whiff on DD's cardigan from holding her several hours on, makes me wonder what the house is like. Wasn't clear whether not smoking in front of kids meant not smoking at all in the house.

MollieO I don't like her just going to see her friends but I presumed that's what nannies and CMs do. DD is her only mindee at the moment.

Missus DD goes there 3 days a week so I could ask if she goes another day. I get the impression she has gone there every Tues for the past 20 years or so though...

I don't know what to do. DD is happy with her, but I feel really unsettled by both the dog and the smoking (particularly because I've only just realised about the smoking 3 months on). I feel really uncertain about what to do. If I complain then does that bring us to a point where I have to get a new CM? Do I have the right to tell a CM that I don't want her to visit a friend that smokes or looks afterstrange dogs? Am I completely overreacting.

Sorry guilt ridden working mother of PFB writes....

OP posts:

rainbowinthesky · 06/05/2010 07:17

I wouldnt be happy about this situation at all.

SilveryMoon · 06/05/2010 07:34

I'm a smoker so I have a different view point.
I think most people when they know they have children coming round do their best to air rooms out and would refrain from smoking in the house.
I have my friends children here all the time, the parents know I smoke, they know I only smoke out of the kitchen window and that children aren't allowed in my kitchen. Ever.
No one has ever expressed a problem.

Blondeshavemorefun · 06/05/2010 07:37

Do I have the right to tell a CM that I don't want her to visit a friend that smokes or looks afterstrange dogs?

no as your cm is not your employee but obv if you are not happy with what she does you can ask but cm may not want to/agree not to go and then your decision whether to keep dd at cm

does this friend have any children? seems weird to visit every week if not

notnickgriffinschick · 06/05/2010 07:46

Without being too critical I cant see how you can stop your DD coming into contact with people who smoke?

Ive actually seen teachers smoking- my friend is an excellent nurse in critical care -she smokes.......theres some things you can control and some things that are just life.

By all means ask the Cm to visit her friend another day but risk spoiling a good relationship between you and her - if you havent realised for 3 months then maybe you are been a bit too pfb.

It is a hard thing to learn when you get your lovely new baby that you just cant control everything - the worlds an exciting place and if she meets a few menthol superking smokers along the way then so what??

If you wanted a completely different and 'rigid' form of childcare perhaps a nursery setting is better for your your dd?.

screamingskull · 06/05/2010 07:53

suppose you could ask CM not to take dd when she is looking after her, but if she wants to go and you are not happy i would look for another CM to tbh.

HSMM · 06/05/2010 08:02

I am a CM and wondering why she visits a friend every week while minding. Does she live on a farm, have a great outdoor play space, play fantastic musical instruments, or does the CM just go round for a coffee and a chat with her friend while the mindees play with the strange dog. We are not parents employees, but we are professionals looking for the best outcomes for children, so I think parents can question some of our choices.

There are places I go to every week, but they are for the children. We even occasionally go to the supermarket, or the DIY store, but these are also used as learning opportunities.

Don't get me wrong, she may have a really great reason why the children should be going there, but if not, then she should visit her friend outside working hours.

Hopandpop · 06/05/2010 08:03

my daughters teacher smokes too, its a hard one, your cm might not like her friend smoking, but needs friend

FourArms · 06/05/2010 08:04

Lots of nursery workers round here nip out in their breaks or before/after their stint for a fag. But you are going to prevent her from being in a smoky house with that form of childcare.

I don't know what I'd do. I wouldn't be happy though. Is your DD gaining anything from this visit. How old is she?

Crabious · 06/05/2010 08:42

''Does she live on a farm, have a great outdoor play space, play fantastic musical instruments'' - ''We even occasionally go to the supermarket, or the DIY store, but these are also used as learning opportunities.'' - I have read lots of both your posts, and you sound like fab childminders - but this does make me snigger - Life is a learning opportunity it doesn't have to all be totally ''stimulating'' and formulated. learning that people have friends, like to chat and socialize is a fantastic ''learning experience'', better than counting tomatoes in Asda anyday in my book. Learning to play independently while grownups have a chat is a great ''skill' for kids to have. Interacting with other adults - being in a house where the ''rules'' are different etc all great social interactions- goodness I could go on forever but I would start to sound like a learning plan. as long as its not all your daughter does and as you said your daughter is happy I would relax a ltlle and congratulate yourself on picking a childminder where your child has a real life experiance rather than a nursery where it is more like a milatary opperation (some not all!)

emy72 · 06/05/2010 09:28

I wouldn't be happy to be honest. You seem to have a bad vibe about this situation and that means you are not entirely happy. I would go with your gut instinct.

I don't know how old your daughter is, but can you ask what else goes on/where does she take her? I can see the point about not being stimulated 24/7, which I agree with, but frankly I have never heard of childminders operating in that way. I wouldn't be happy about my child been brought in somebody else's house, for example. Why can't they go to her?

PollyTechnique · 06/05/2010 09:51

I would want the CM to have told me that my dd had been "scared of a dog..." during the course of the day.

Possibly a significant moment for a small child (or maybe not) but worth letting the parent know about it IMO.

posieparker · 06/05/2010 09:55

I would be very pissed off if my child came home smelling of smoke as this shows she has been in a smoky atmosphere, don't believe that having a brief cuddle with a smoker would do this. i would ask your CM that you neither want your chidl to visit this house because of the dog and the smoke.

msVal · 06/05/2010 10:05

I changed my CM because my baby came home smelling of smoke several times.

Everyone (including the man from Ofsted and the woman from the council) that I spoke to said that they didn't believe a child would smell of smoke if someone wasn't actually smoking around them. I think if it's on their clothes & hair then it's in their lungs and for me that's not a risk I can take with my babys health.

Greensleeves · 06/05/2010 10:06

I agree with posie, if her cardigan smelled noticeably of smoke then your CM is telling little porkies

malovitt · 06/05/2010 10:12

I can always tell if someone smokes by standing next to them - they just reek. Anyone who smokes is deluding themselves if they think they don't smell.

I would never take a minded child round to a friend's during my working day anyway, but one who smoked or had a dog -absolutely no way.

I don't believe your child's cardigan would smell after just being picked up briefly once either.

A couple of teachers at my son's primary school are heavy smokers - it's horrible standing near them, it literally makes me gag.

I would have been really unhappy if he had been placed in one of their classes.

CityChildminder · 06/05/2010 10:13

i'm sorry op but you are not employing the childminder. She is self employed. So you can not reasonably tell her where to go/who to see (unless you believe your child to be in danger) if you do not believe she is providing adequate care then you should give notice but I am really sorry to say I do feel you are being overly sensitive. When your child goes to school - some of the staff may be smokers. It's life. You can not control the actions of others unless you feel they are a major risk to your child,in which case you know what to do - withdraw your child and stay home with her yourself so that you can monitor who she comes into contact with

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