I need HONEST opinions about my nanny please...

[Holly29]

I'd be really grateful for your input on this. I just want to do the right thing.

Background: I work F/T. I've had a nanny since DD was 9 months old. She is now 2.10. Initially we loved our nanny, and we have been exceptionally good to her in lots of ways, which I don't need to set out really.

However, I am now pregnant with DC2 and am due in about 4 months. I am lucky enough to have a DH who can afford for me to take 6 months off and still keep her on during that time. So that's what we have decided to do.

BUT the other day I realised that I am dreading maternity leave and being with her so much more. I sat down and made a list of the things she does which I worry about and I need your advice on whether these are silly and how I can/should address them. I want to be fair to her and to us and to do the right thing! so here's my list:

(1) She clearly is not capable of leaving any moods/tiredness behind her when she gets to work.

This was very evident when she had a bereavment in her family - which we totally understood of course. We gave her all the time off she needed of course but when she came back (after 6 weeks, her choice, we did not force her) she was still crying in front of our DD a lot, spending a lot of time on the phone to her friends and so on. She also has quite a lot of 'life crises' (what am I doing with my life?) and gets very depressed and she seems incapable of leaving it behind her when she gets to work and I spend lots of time at work wondering how her mood today is affecting DD. On a really quite large number of occasions I have come home to find her in a really bad mood because of something and she will often say that DD has been a nightmare and that she has found it hard to cope. She does not seem to find it hard to cope when she is feeling good. She clearly isn?t positive or fun to be with or particularly tolerant with DD when she is like this. She is great fun when she is feeling upbeat.

I am sure that I am not always positive/fun with DD when I am tired/stressed but I am not her nanny! Ideally I would like a nanny who of course may have bad times, but who is positive and fun most of the time (or at least fakes it well). I do at my own work!

(2) I have residual concerns about the way she disciplines DD. When I came home a few nights ago she was saying that she had behaved like a baby and had to be put in her cot for 20 minutes. When I was talking to her about it DD was clearly listening and distressed about it still and saying "I went into my cot like a baby". This happens quite regularly.

(3) I think we've been so nice to her that she is starting to take us for granted and as I said this morning, I am unsure that she will actually be a help when I am on maternity leave and with the new baby. She said to me a couple of weeks ago that I might want her to work reduced hours when the baby is born as I will be ?around all the time? ? I said no, but this is the sort of attitude which has me concerned.

(5) I still have concerns about whether she has actually formed a good bond with DD. I have spoken with a number of women who have nannies, all of whom say that their children love their nannies. DD only leaves us with great reulctance each morning. If I told DD that she?d never see our nanny again I?m sure she?d be fine with that;

(6) She?s not that good at actually engaging with DD. I come home every night almost to find her watching TV with her. She does switch it off but I have never seen her paint a picture with her, engage in any creative activities, or even read to her to be honest. There are never any books out despite the fact that DD has millions. I think they sometimes play games but it is rare. The reports we get in our special daily logbook never say ?we played X game or made something or dressed up ?. They go out to groups and places but there is no other interaction which I think is increasingly important, especially as DD obviously loves art/making things.

Yes, DD is our PFB. Am I being silly? How can I deal with it? I've never had another nanny and I hate confrontation!

I really feel for parents when I read these threads. I have no idea why anyone would nanny if they don't love their jobs and the children? Nannying is so much hard work and if you are not happy then you can't do it iyswim?

I adore the children in my job. I have a fantastic relationship with them. Often I feel a little uncomfortable because they want me to do stuff not mummy and I feel bad. My MB seems ok with it though because she knows they love me and are happy with me but I do think sometimes it must be hard on her to share their love! However parents are always wanted the most so your child will want you over nanny most of the time if given a choice but your DD should never be unhappy to be left with nanny.

I spend a lot of time with my little ones, singing, being silly, chatting. The oldest 8yrs boy loves to play games etc the youngest 4yrs girl just wants to do whatever I do. Even if I'm cooking dinner she will peel carrots to help me.

Last week we were doing costumes for school play and baking for school cake sale. This week we were doing mothers day presents (home painted self portraits on canvas) and making an easter bonnet for the school parade. This is just typical of normal week for us. We have playdates several times a week, we go to the library and the park etc.

All in all I enjoy my job and that is mostly by ensuring the children are happy makes me happy.

I think if your daughter is not happy then you have a duty to find her a nanny who will love and cherish her. Remember this is your daughters home. If your nanny is unhappy she can leave but your daughter can't lave so it is vital you have a nanny she is happy and secure and safe with

i have only read first page so apologies if this has already been said.

1 - she sounds like a terrible nanny and I would get rid.

2 - she isnt qualified so really doesnt know how to handle tricky situations or tantrums in a constructive manner - a nanny should have had training and not just dump your DD in her cot for a time out.

3 - i assume that you are not paying her 'proper rates' and that if you had a qualified nanny you would have to pay more?

4 - as 3 means that you will have to fork out a lot more then surely her position will be redundant and after your mat leave you will have to employ a poppins lady to look after both of your DC.

Making your nanny redundant sounds like the best way to let her go to me, she sounds bloody awful and I wouldnt be happy to let her look after my DC.

But why have you let this go on for 2+ years. Lastly all the nannies that i know around here are fantastic, they have playdates, make things, go places, interact and generally treat the children with love and care.

Re redundancy - is there a mutual notice clause in your contract ie either party can give notice of x months to the other and so the emplyment ends?? This is what I used many moons ago when I decided that leaving the house at stupid o clock with a child attached to my legs sobbing wasn't all that it's cracked up to be

If you have this clause than you don't need to do all the legal stuff - just give notice

if you make someone redundant, if the job re appears (ie you go back to work) then do you need to offer it legally to old nanny first?

or can you make her redundant when you are on ml and then look for a new nanny when you go back to work

or do you have to offer job back - even tho it is a new job as then have 2 children and not 1, so it is not the original job

reading back, it kinda makes sense to me, but not sure you will all know what i mean

Have only read original post, but FWIW - I didn't like my nanny being around when I was on maternity leave but did like having some help - which you could get in another way eg use a nursery for DD, or get an au pair. I think all nannies get complacent and it is healthy for both sides for a new person to come on board. Saying that I had my nanny for 7 years before that happened and she loved and still loves all my 3 children. They love her, hew new baby, see her as part of the family - so for me, if your current nanny doesn't love your DD and vice versa, I would defintely look around for a different arragements. Yes you would have to make current one redundant but it may only be a couple of months money.

Blondes, I think if you've decided in advance that you will be re-employing a nanny, the (current) role is not redundant and you can't end the employment on that basis. I think you'd not only have to offer job to old nanny, but you'd also have to pay her for the period you said the role was redundant. (All worth confirming, but I'd think it would be seen as you're illegally trying to get out of paying during the time you're home.)

Redundancy will only work if the role actually stops, and if you believe (or are seen as believing, anyway) that the role will not exist in the future. So you can say that you probably won't go back to work full time. You can always change your mind / make up your mind in future.

Disclaimer: I'm not a lawyer, but that's my limited understanding of it - I'm sure employment section has all the answers.

willali - I don't think that's correct, because after one year all employees have a statutory right against unfair dismissal which can't be waived by a contract. If you just gave notice and terminated the contract, employee could sue for unfair dismissal. If the issue of poor performance then came up, employer would be quizzed as to whether they addressed it fairly before dismissal.

I am coming to this late but your nanny sounds awful. In your position, I make her redundant, and hire a combination of maternity nanny and cleaner to help in the short term. I would then get a new nanny after a requisite period.

I have a nanny handbook that is an appendix to my nanny's employment contract. There is a clause in the contract that says that the handbook is a part of the employment contract. The actual contract itself has a definition of misconduct and gross misconduct and the handbook has examples of what i would regard as included in either of those definitions. The handbook is clear that DH and I are to set the disciplinary tone. The contract itself has a clear process of the disciplinary procedures. The 20 mins in the cot thing, would immediately have earned her a first written warning (by passing the verbal warning because it is so serious). In future you really need to incorporate this kind of thing, and, be prepared to act. Your nanny is there to make your life easier and provide a loving environment for your child. If she is not doing either then she is failing in her job. I would also really consider 6 monthly reviews as well, as it allows you to bring up anything both positive and "could do betters" and really focuses your mind on how your nanny is doing.

This nanny deserves to be fired. She is lucky she is being made redundant.

What greybird says. That's how the law stands and it can't be waived by contractual terms (even if both parties agreed willingly to the terms)

oops - obviously lucky I didn't end up in a tribunal then