Childminder needs help

[joanna4]

Hi I am new to the boards but am needing advice on a bit of a tricky problem.
One of my mindees came back from holidays his mum says he has been nappy free all fornight so now he is in big boys pants.He cannot tell me when he needs to go and i am spending all my days trying to catch him before he wees or poos.
It is a chore of a job cos 2 mins after trying him on potty he will quite happily fill his pants.
His mum says no way is he going back into nappies but it is seriously inhibiting our plans as many places like the park or anywhere requiring a bus ride is now out of the question. She says if he wets leave him wet till we get home but i would feel very bad to do that.There are unavoidable journeys like trips to school and nursery to collect other children which he invariably returns back at mine wet from.Last week she berated me for putting him in a nappy but i literally had no dry clean under clothes to take him to school in.I speak to them daily regarding his progress and i am receiving no support the standard response is well he doesnt do that at home -i am trying my best!
In addition they have told me to continue his daily routine of going to various tots groups but they are fed up of having wet chairs and carpets too!

How old is he?

sorry forgot to say he is 2 yrs and 3 months.His potty arrived with him in february at 22 months and I have been sitting him on at their request occassionally but he has worn pull ups from then until now.
He also cries when he goes on his potty and i hate myself for what i am being asked to do.I arent a novice at this i have done it twice with my own children.I am sure he isnt ready but mum will not relent.

I know this is mercenary... but how desperately do you "need" to keep this child in your charge? Could you get other clients? Would you be willing to risk losing this child as a mindee? Because regardless of whether the parents can manage with him at home, it's not working for you to have him out of nappies right now. If parents can't accept that you need him in nappies when he's with you, they will have to find a childminder who doesn't mind soggy carpet.....

2y+3 months is very young, esp. for a boy.

several thingsa come 2 mind

She is not honest with you

she kept him on the potty for long periods of time hence why he doesn't like it

Does she take him out places or stay at home all time ?

If he can't communicate why not wait til he can even if just by signing or actions

Is he aware of doing it ?

oops sorry for 2 not to

Umm - would it be worth putting it in writing?
That you really don't think he is ready "at your house"
I'm going thro' this with one of mine and the first time she came in to find child knickerless and in a puddle - we had pull ups the next day

Yes I can see your problem. One the one hand you ought to respect parent?s wishes but on the other hand you can see that the child is confused and that sitting in uncomfortable urine soaked clothes isn?t a very humane way of teaching him anything. If he were to be left to indicate himself when he is ready it could all be so much happier for him and easier all around. He is still very young after all and it?s not a race.
I guess you have to arrange a time to sit down and talk to his parents and explain assertively that he is not staying dry in your house and that you are not prepared to leave him nappyless at all times due to 1. The wear and tear on your own furniture, and 2. The health and safety of all the children you care for including those who you may come into contact with at toddlers etc. and 3. It is neglectful for you to leave him in urine soaked clothes for long periods of time parental wishes or no parental wishes.
They have to either concede that it is not unreasonable to pop a nappy on at certain times of the day and allow you to do so, or take him out of your care until he is 100% dry ? which in your experience may not be for some time.
You could explain that he is often very engrossed in activities and that whilst you accept that it is normal for a child to have the occasional accident, you really cannot class this child?s wetting as an occasional accident.
Do you have a policy on toilet training? This can be an opportunity to devise one which formally gives the right to decide to you and may avoid future problems.
Personally as a mum I would leave off toilet training until the child indicated quite clearly themselves that they were ready to copy how big people used the toilet/potty. As a childminder I communicate directly with the parents clearly that I had tried to respect their wishes but ??.. And make sure I had the final say on what happened in my house. They either accept your - thought out with the child?s best interests - views or they go somewhere else.

goosey you're really good - that's what I ment Joanna

Thanks I will put a policy together regarding this. He is going soon -new baby coming hence the rush.Interestingly he will be staying with a relative some of this week, my own child is a yr6 and has one or two things happening at school so i have booked time off.Will be interesting to see what happens then.
Incidentally this child is family to me and i dont want to cause a situation -not that it should and am thinking for sake of time left is it best to just struggle on.
I will speak to his mum though and try to get her to see it from my point of view.

deffo brill goosey

A nursery would NOT accept this kind of behaviour from parents so why should you?

IMHO she has read a book or had friends or family say "he should be in pants now"

Well, he isn't ready is he? Why make him miserable?

All children are different and all children do things at different times

crawling, feeding themselves, sleep through the night, walking, climbing stairs, riding a bike, roll over, POTTY TRAINING !!!!!!!!!!

They cannot read the book/manual which says at 2 years they should do..........

can they???????

sorry took too long to type

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Hmmmmm, ths poor child is clearly not ready to be potty trained, and I cant believe he stayed dry for 2 weeks while he was away with his parents.

Is this the mothers first child? if so is it possible she believes he should be trained by now and is fibbing to you, in the hope that you would take the burden of training him.

I only say this as my DS was a very late starter, I was beginning to grow concerned, and a friend of mine actually suggested I tell his child minder he has began training and then leave the work to her. I would like to add I was mortified and did not take the suggestion.

My own son was late but i would try him see he wasnt ready and revert back to nappies and try again the next month.All my friends children were potty trained and the pressure was great but when my son was ready we knew he knew and he was dry day and night within a week.It was worth the wait so its not like i havent been here and done this before.I am mostly shocked that she thinks its ok to change him in public areas should he have an accident anyone could be about I have told her i will not do it.

You cant be expected to put up with this, it is not fair on you, and certainly not fair on the child. If the mother she trust your judgement as a child minder, can you explain that trying to potty train him when he is not ready, will only delay things further, and damage her sons confidence in this area, so it is likely she will be facing a huge battle further down the line.

joanna - I feel for you. I mind twins of 22 months and the mum is convinced the boy needs potty training. She's had them in pull ups sice they could stand, and insisted I got a potty. She says at home he takes down his nappy when he needs to go, usually after every meal. He has never done this at my house. He takes his clothes and nappy off a lot, because he hates clothes, but usually just to hit his sister with a dirty nappy....

I have agreed to try him on the potty, but he will nor be in proper underwear in my care till i agree he is ready, which i feel will not be for months.