What should I expect from my new nanny?

[Renwein]

I'm new to employing a nanny and hoping for some feedback from people more experienced and nannies. I have two DS - DS1 4years and at school and DS2 nearly 8 months. I'm back at work four days a week on 22nd Feb and nanny has started this week with a two week settling in period before she is on her own.

Refs came back that she was reliable and honest but that she needed quite a lot of direction and management. She has 15 years experience and lives locally and I thought those things were enough to counterbalance her needing a bit more direction.

But now that she has started I am really worried about the amount of direction she seems to need. I think it doesn't help that I'm around as I find it difficult to sit and read the paper whilst someone else looks after my DC and I think that she isn't sure what she is supposed to be doing. But she is not at all proactive and quite happy to sit there and let me spoon feed DS2 or empty DS1's potty/wipe his bottom (don't ask why he is still using the potty and not wiping his own bottom - it's only at home...) whilst she does nothing. She has also asked questions like how many times a week I expect her to do laundry, whereas I would expect her to do laundry when there are enough dirty clothes. She has done one lot of laundry because I asked her to but she had to be reminded to put away the clothes the next day. DS2 isn't a great daytime sleeper and she also asked if she should hold off cooking for him until he was taking longer naps in the day. I've done the school pick up twice with her and she says she still isn't confident enough to do it on her own. I've told her several times I want to carry on breastfeeding in the mornings and evenings and she keeps asking me if I am going to give up so that it will be easier to give DS2 a bottle (he takes one but it takes a few minutes of persuasion). When DS2 was alone with her and I was upstairs, she left him in a separate room whilst she ate her lunch in the kitchen, rather than taking her lunch into the same room as him or bringing him into the kitchen with her (he is not crawling but he does roll around the floor a lot). She also seems to find it impossible to get out of the house on time. No matter how many times I tell her what time we need to leave to get to school on time, she is still putting on her shoes and coat when I'm standing at the door waiting for her. Yesterday she was sitting reading a book five minutes before we needed to go without having prepared a bottle for DS2 or the snack which I usually take for DS1 (which I had told her about several times).

What I've done so far is leave her on her own a lot more today so that she is forced to get meals and look after the DC more and that has been quite good and she has done a lot more. I had already written out DS2's routine for her in so far as he follows one and I've now also written out in detail what she needs to do when e.g. between 8 and 8.30 am you need to have made breakfast for DS2 and fed him, made sure DS1 has brushed his teeth, put on his jumper and shoes and been to the loo etc etc and written out exactly what laundry and cooking she needs to do. I gave her some positive feedback about her interaction with DS2 (you can tell I've been on lots of management courses ) and then gave her the extra instructions. When I asked her later if she was happy with them and whether they were clear, she was quite positive and said she was happy I'd set it out for her. I've got a meeting at school tomorrow which ends at pick up time but I think I'm going to ask her to come to school anyway because I need to know that she can make it there on her own on time.

I feel I have to give her a fair chance, not least because I recruited her about three months ago and she has waited around doing temp jobs until the start date. I feel I probably can make it work if I micro-manage her. But equally, we're paying the top end of what the agency told us was the market rate for our area, DH and I are both in public sector jobs and we are really maxing ourselves out to afford a nanny. I can't help feeling we should be gettting a bit more for our money.

I'll definitely give her a few weeks to try to settle in. The deal with the agency is that they find someone else free of charge if we let her go within four weeks. But any views on what we should be expecting by way of her performance and whether I'm doing the right things to try to bring her on?

Ta

Doesn't sound brilliant, I must say..

When I began nannying at 18, I was basically left to work it out on my own - and I did. Anyone even mildly sensible should be able to manage school pickup IMO

Perhaps she is more suited to nursery work - you can't micromanage her in emergency situations / when you're not there

I would look for a new nanny - a nanny with 15 years experience shouldn't need that level of management!

I'm a nanny of 16 years experience, and to be honest I'd be a bit concerned about this one, she has pretty much been in the job as long as me, so should be able to nanny standing on her head. from your post it appears she can't use her own initiative to look for jobs, or work things out (ie the laundry, when to leave for school, cooking etc) or even ask you 'is there anything I can do?' I know you said her refs were good, but has she had sole charge positions before? I would also been worried that she may not get to school on time, which could upset your DS1, and leaving a rolling 8mth old alone in a room is just not on. You want to be able to go back to work confident that your DC are safe, well and having fun, not wondering if your DS1 is feeling abandoned at school, or if your DS2 is chewing on something inappropriate. Either you sit her down now, and go through all your concerns and get them sorted, or accept she's not right for your family and go back to the drawing board.

I'm not sure if my old posts are on here, I had a terrible first week with my nanny, she didn't do much and seemed to need a lot more hand holding than I'd expected, but now I can't imagine what I'd do without her. I think the minute I disappeared off to work she just had to get on with it and it's worked brilliantly. It's not always perfect, but me not being around seemed to make a big difference.

Having said all that if she's not better by middle/ end of next week, get rid. You'll know by then. We didn't have some of the same issues, she doesn't need to be out of the house in the morning, I'll never know if she's late for toddler group.

Although have just spotted the thing about leaving the baby alone while she had lunch, I'd have definitely had words about that.

Thanks v much. Very useful to hear what I should be able to expect. I think I will have to think about getting someone else if she doesn't improve dramatically soon. Sigh.

I'm a nanny for a SAHM and tbh it's very very hard trying to work when you're being hovered over (even with the best intentions)
After fifteen years though she shouldn't need much directing.
All I can say is if she's leaving an 8 month old on their own in a room when you're there I would be a litle concerned as to what will happen when you're not. Did she assume you were watching her?
I've always worked on the assumption nannies are supposed to make parents lives easier with regards to childcare, not more worrysome, but having lurked around this board for a while, clearly I am labouring under a misapprehension.
If she doesn't improve then get rid.

Why do you need a nanny? Have I missed something? If you are not working why have you got a nanny, if you are around of course she will want to check that she is doing the right thing. They are your children after all and she is in your house!!

JJ6, OP is going back to work four days a week very soon, this is just supposed to be a settling-in period. TBH, I would get rid of her now. You are paying top rate for a nanny who, after 15 years, needs a lot of direction and management. Why? You only have four weeks to get your money back from the agency and you don't want to end up giving her notice in your first week back at work. I think you should try giving her a day on her own tomorrow or the following day to see how she gets on (in case some of her lack of initiative is due to you being around all the time) and then review with her after that.

alarm bells are ringing for me - she has been a nanny for 15years and still needs to be given a push in the right direction esp if you are paying top whack for her

yes it is hard when having the parent there, and 2 weeks is a very long handover (i personally prefer being thrown in the deep end) and sometimes the nanny doesnt want to interfere/take over, so maybe that is why she wasnt helping/feeding etc

not doing the school run also makes me worry - are we talking a marathon walk/2hr car drive? how far away is the school?why is she not confident?

a nanny is meant to make the parents life easier and tbh i am not sure that this is the case

i rem the anguish that lobsters went through with her nanny, and now she seems sorted

so dont give up hope, but i would leave your nanny totally in contraol/charge while you are there, maybe say to her pretend im not here, pop out at meal/school times and see how she goes

but i have to say it doesnt sound promising if she has 15years exp

I find it very strange that she needs so much direction after 15 years

Some people work better on their own, maybe she is one of them? If she is a nervous person then 2 weeks might be too long and nerve wrecking for her. Tbh it can be very confusing for the nanny when the parent is at home. It is easy to say that we want a proactive nanny. But is very difficult to be proactive when the mum is there (i was also a nanny before employing a nanny so im trying to see things from both sides). How many threads there have been here about 'bossy' nannies? She might think that if she takes over feeding the baby you will say that she undermines you.

So i would make a very clear plan. I would say 'i'm here but lets pretend i'm not. Feel free to do everything like you would do if i was at work'. I would do this only for one day. The next day i would go out. Dont forget is your last chance for shopping, hairdresser, coffee, before going to work so make the most of it. I think your nanny will work better if you are all day out.

All these applies only if you like her thou. Personally i would ask her why she left the baby in the other room. Is it something she normally does, or she thought you are around? Or the baby fall asleep there so she left him to nap? Was the baby strapped in bouncing chair?

Thanks, she has been quite a lot better today. Managed to give baby breakfast and get DS1 ready for school before DH took him. And came in talking about the laundry and cooking she was going to do (and actually did it). I have been out a lot today and I think that has helped her, though when I came back at lunchtime the baby was still in his sleepsuit!

School is about a mile away so she has the option of driving or going on the tram with a five to ten minute walk at each end.I had a meeting at school in the afternoon so I got her to meet me there for pick up. She was on time, though had not quite managed to make the bottle in time for it to cool and for her to give it to DS2 so he was a bit screamy.

I think she is very nervous and not very confident in new situations. She doesn't seem to be able to work things out quickly so she needs a few tries at things like using a new washing machine or going to a new place. I think she will be a lot happier when she has got into her comfort zone. At the moment, she would be fine if she was just looking after the baby but she seems to be struggling with fitting that round the school pick up and the laundry and cooking.

It is very easy for me to think she is only doing about a quarter of what I would do in a naptime but I am familiar with the house and kitchen and how everything works. I think she is leaving the baby on his own so that she can find time to do things like wash and sterilise bottles. I don't necessarily mind her doing that as I do it too but when I do it I make sure the environment is safe and pop in and out to check he is OK.

My nervousness about getting rid of her is that I end up with someone worse. She is, at least, honest, tidy, prepared to listen and doing her best. I think it must be very hard having me around the house and I agree two weeks is probably too long. The reason for the long handover was that I didn't want tto go back until after half term so that I could spend it with DS1 but I also needed her there during a school week so that I could introduce her to teachers etc.

V difficult not to be anxious about the care of your DC and the fact is that when DS1 was at nursery I never saw what was going on so didn't get the chance to be worried about it. Oh well, she isn't there on a Friday so have till Monday to obsess think about it some more.

You need to let go, it's hard (so parents tell me ). Sounds as though today went a lot better. The more you are able to let her just get on with it, the better you both will probably feel about things. Did you have a chat with her today about how things were going? She is probably struggling as well, just in a different way. She is probably anxious to make a good impression but not knowing where things are, how long things take, getting used to a new area (if not extremely local), takes it's time to get sorted out.
It takes a couple of weeks to fall into the rhythm of a job... the two week itch I call it, as by the end of the first two weeks I usually feel like walking out! It's over that two week period that the nanny and the parents plus the children all get a bit more used to each other... it can be rough time for all. Once over the two week hurdle things get so much better.

Next week, spend quality time with DS1 and let your nanny care for DS2. Try to spend quite long periods of time out of the house - take DS1 to a museum, or whatever place he likes to go.

I don't know, I'll go against the grain here & I say i'm not sure I would continue with this nanny... You haven't 'painted' a very positive picture of her tbh. What's good about her, why did you hire her? (so we can get a better picture). Being proactive or not is in my experience VERY important. We had a completely inexperienced nanny for a year, had to be micromanaged every step of the way (tbh was only a few hrs a week to start with but once it got to 20 hrs a week it became a real problem). We now have a 3 days a week nanny, very professional, VERY proactive. The difference is immense, I would think it over very carefully if it were me, as you really want to trust your nanny, but equally you want her to help make your life easier (that's the point of spending more to get a nanny) & IMO micromanaging is not easy at all & will get on your nerves in time. Sorry to be blunt. I would do an intensive search for a couple more weeks if you have the time...

But if you do decide to keep her, I really hope it works out for you

Thanks v much. All useful perspectives. I picked her because she had a lot of experience with babies and because she was really really keen to take the job (it is a very short commute for her). I thought it was good to have someone who obviously really wanted the job and would work hard to make it a success.

Also, not quite sure how to put this but there's kind of a fitting in issue. We have a lovely house in a not very glamorous suburb of London (which is the trade off we make to afford a lovely house). Very few nannies working locally and DS1 goes to a really good but very socially mixed state primary. I interviewed one nanny who came across brilliantly and I am sure would have come in and got on with it from day one. But her previous experience had been live in jobs followed by jobs within walking distance of the natural history museum and for various families who sent their children to a pretty exclusive indepedent school. I just felt she would have been unhappy standing at the gate of DS1's school (I must say I sometimes feel a bit out of place) and would have been looking for another job fairly quickly.

So, to put it bluntly, I'm worried that the really fantastic, really proactive nannies wouldn't necessarily want to work for me!

"So, to put it bluntly, I'm worried that the really fantastic, really proactive nannies wouldn't necessarily want to work for me"

as long as the parents are nice and support me and can pay me im happy to work anywhere, the size of the house doesnt matter, but obv i like it to be clean

i have gone for interviews where dust/cobwebs and spiders scurrying across the walls - as well as what looked like a dog poo (or childs ) on the floor

"At the moment, she would be fine if she was just looking after the baby but she seems to be struggling with fitting that round the school pick up and the laundry and cooking"

so basically she cant cope doing what are perfectly normal nanny job/duties

and she cant find her way to school which is a mile away

i again say that alarm bells are ringing and to look for a new nanny asap

I agree with Blondes unfortunately. You say he has experience with babies, but really this doesn't come across at all from what you've written so far... I think also that there are loads of nannies who are good & would be happy to work in all sorts of areas as long as the family treats them well. I'm pretty sure there must be loads of difficult families in SW London (maybe, without wanting to generalize, MORE difficult families than in other areas) so I feel you might be wrong there...

Sorry I can't help asking: what was the deal with the book reading during working hours, when you were about to rush out the door?

It sounds like the job is too much for her, and I would have concerns about her judgment wrt safety issues. Some of the things you mention I might expect my AP to do, not a professional nanny with 15 years exp.

Regarding time, is she at least on time in the morning to you? Cause that will drive you mad, listening to excuses why she's late for work.

Maria

"I'm pretty sure there must be loads of difficult families in SW London (maybe, without wanting to generalize, MORE difficult families than in other areas)

I'm desperately curious - why???

OK generalization alert

Greybird, well that was only said tongue in cheek. But what I guess I was referring to was some hugely rich families who might (in some cases) be very demanding. E.g. people who have no sense of how what an ordinary salary can buy you etc. I'm guessing (and really I don't want to generalize here!!) that perhaps some of these hugely rich families (not all, some) might be difficult to work for, because of a lack of perspective or whatever.

I would give her a bit longer. It really is hard to work when parents are around. I have found myself forgetting things during a settling in period that I would usually be right on top of. I find it is easy to lose track of time when chatting to a parent and letting someone else take some of the lead. So for example, I said to MB I'll take the baby for a walk before lunch today (being proactive). Then before I know it we're ready to go and it's already 15 minutes till lunch time! You feel really daft and obviously that sort of scenario just wouldn't happen if you're alone. I really feel you should see how she copes alone. No one has ever criticised my organisation or initiative but I can mess up when feeling nervous or being watched in a new job.

I live and work in SW18 and I have a fairly good idea where you are from what you have said. I'm happy in my job but if I was looking then I would have no problem whatsoever working where you are.

TBH it's always going to be difficult as a nanny at the school with regards to fitting in because you are not the parent so you don't have that connection. However in my experience you make of it what you will. I have parents in my charges school that are quite frankly too 'high up in their own estimations to talk to the hired help' but mostly the others are nice and I'm sure the same could be said at your children's school. There are plenty of nannies dotted all around SW london and lot's of things to do. All the clubs of monkey music, gymboree, tigers eye etc that are far better than going to a crowded science museum sometimes.

Anyway my point was don't talk yourself into thinking this nanny is the best you are going to get. If you are not comfortable with her and your gut instincts are screaming out then look for a new nanny. A nanny is so important in your life, to all intensive purposes they are a replacement you, during working hours to allow you to get on with your job. You should not be worrying about the children's safety and happiness. Don't feel guilt tripped into keeping her because she waited for you - if she can't do the job without being managed then you have to let her go.

I hope it works out for the best.

Agree with simplyme, you really need to feel absolutely comfortable with your nanny, that'll be such a help when you're at work. If it's your first time hiring a nanny, please take our advice on this...

Thanks v much. Called the agency today and they were also quite concerned and really quite shocked at her leaving DS2 alone for long periods. They were going to call both of us for a follow up chat anyway so are going to call the nanny to get her perspective on how things are going and to try to raise some of the issues without saying they had spoken to me. She hadn't phoned them back by close today so will have to wait till Monday now.

Was planning to take DS1 out on Monday anyway so she will have the house and DS2 to herself. Will definitely ask her before I go not to leave DS2 on his own, though I fear she will then tell me she can't do laundry/cooking. She had them both in the sitting room alone for about half an hour yesterday after school and I ended up sitting there with them to make sure they were OK. DS1 doesn't beat up DS2 but she can't know that.

Feel much better for having done something about it.

I have just hired our second nanny. She is wonderful and I trust and like her absolutely. Sure, she doesn't always do things "my way", but I don't seem to care - I know she is making my DS really happy and she is wonderful with him whilst I am at work. Such a big difference from our first nanny, who was with us for three months, and who I was very sad about. From the beginning I knew she was a poor fit, but gave her more and more time to see if I could work through my gut reactions, but I couldn't in the end. I really wish I had gone with my instincts in the first place.... and I could have (and did) write a post very similar to yours in her first couple of weeks with us. I guess what I am trying to say is that you should go with your gut reaction. Be fair to her and try and make it work, but be realistic about how much you can or should be "micro-managing" your nanny, in order to assuage those maternal instincts. Nothing wrong with admitting that there is a mis-match!

Renwein, did she leave them alone because you were in the room, or did she leave them totally alone while you were elsewhere?

If I were you I'd be having serious worries about leaving her on her own with the baby.