The curse of Boff. Again.

[BoffinMum]

You are not going to believe this, guys. The lovely temp (and she really is lovely) who came today has had to leave because her mum was rushed into hospital. We don't know if/when she'll be coming back. So we are without childcare again! I am currently in Paris and DH was supposed to be going into work tomorrow because he hasn't been able to get in all week. He has no leave left either. Crikey! Anybody want three lovely children, two with diarrhoea?

Tavvy I?m with you on the fire poi and raise you a flaming staff but I can't kill a cactus. I've tried, the little buggers just won't die!

Other ?useful? skills
Building a nuclear bomb in a filing cabinet (need some uranium, polonium and lithium though)
I can drive a car with two tyres blown out and check underneath it for a bomb
I can crack a safe , break into a car with a coathanger and pick most chubb locks!

And things I actually put on my CV I can:

Do all manner of sewing things, including darning (dying art...) and I can knit
Play 5 instruments and sing
Support 3 different school curricula (British, French and International)
Speak 2 and a half languages
First Aid
Cook Ride, Swim, Ski (snowboard...), Do ballet, Do gym [and Shoot (I have a gun license and DH promised me a Sig for my birthday) but I tend not to mention that unless they ask for a nanny who rides, swims and shoots]

My ex employers were most impressed with my fire skills ? I made an entire day out of wood collecting, fire setting, firelighting, fire feeding, smoke signals (not advisable to do SOS smoke signals whilst in the alps in the middle of ski season)

Boff the kidney thing is....special?

My current mb is less than impressed that I can shoot though have never been asked to do it in a job (just as well because am not the best shot in the world)

I would have thought it was a very useful skill to have. Obviously the gnu is kept in a gun cabinet and not left lying around for the kiddiwinks to play with but there's no pleasing some people

mr blondes has guns - i can shoot, but dont have a great aim lol

Anyone else now concerned about the nannies frequenting MN?

We spin fire round our heads and shoot for fun. This isn't doing our image any good!

I think it's blardy brilliant, actually. We should have a meetup in an outdoor adventure centre (but no blowing stuff up, of course).

I will kick off with singing the Queen of the Night whilst standing on a table. I did this once at a conference and people were, shall we say, speechless.

Then pois.

Then huntin shootin fishin.

Then a show jumping competition (I will only do trotting poles on account of SPD)

What next?

No pleasing my mb ever. I'm required to have no skills over than cooking and acquiesence. Having a personality is frowned upon.
Using it is a hanging offence.

Frakkin - what's you half language?
Guessing your other two are French and English.

Italian is my half lanuage. I can get by in it but wouldn't feel comfortable speaking it to a child.

I also have working knowledge of Spanish, German, Welsh and Creole Reunnionais. My Latin and Ancient Greek are pretty passabel plus I can swear in lots of other langauges...

A bonfire! And some rally driving.

rally and driving fab - i did that on a hen do - i came 3rd!!!

I'm going driving tanks for our joint hen/stag do in the summer. We figured it was so unfair that his female friends and my male friends were excluded from the traditional one that we're having a NON-traditional one.

Would it be wrong to want to drive a tank over James May?

Ok, that is it...I have had far too low expectations of my nannies in the past. In the future I shall expect them to prove they can spatchcock a chicken in 4 different languages.

If anyone were ever to ask me about extra curricular skills, they'd get

Ride work on a loopy three year old TB without dying
Skin a sheep
Tickle a trout
The lindy hop
Do a fair impersonation of HM The Queen's christmas broadcast ('my family and I')
Make pretty much anything out of baler twine
Sing 'Dove Sono' from Figaro. Badly.
Explain the inner workings of a gas meter, photocopier and telephone
Sirsasana

It makes me a bit sad that I've only acquired a couple of those skills in the past 5 years...basically I never learn anything fun any more.

Tanks - fab

I can also sword fight. My dad and brother between them collect weapons and my dad taught my brother and I to fight with them.
So lets ad a duel to the program of events as well. In ballet shoes of course, standing on our heads, on horseback given I think Frakkin said she could do gym and ballet too.

Boffin - as a seasoned nanny employer by now can I ask your opinion on something? Can't really do it on a public forum but would really appreciate an impartial opinion if you have a spare minute.

It sounds as if the traditional interview process is totally wasted on you, Tavvy. What is actually needed is a series of duels, with weapons of your choice.

Wow you know how a photocopier works?! I am actually extremely impressed by that. Can you fix them too?

I can't fence although I wish I could. It looks cool and so much more elegant than blasting someone with a shotgun or handgun. Only marginally more elegant than sniping though - I am very impressed by snipers. I can, however, do kata with a sword. Not much help if someone's going to attack you.

I did indeed do ballet (still do) and I was a competitive gymnast when I was younger but have never done circus riding, which is what I think would be required for standing on heads on horseback!

I have worked (and lived) with engineers for far too long to get away with not knowing how things work, Frakkin. I heartily recommend Dorling Kindersley's 'The Way Things Work' book for basic understanding of everything from a combine harvester to a screw. Meanwhile, the photocopier (which is a lovely combination of basic physical principles) can be found here

Fixing it all, however, is a bit different. And none of this will help me if I get in a dispute over a point of honour with any of you - I shall have to rely on throwing dead trout.

I did ballet too - sometimes still do. Pointe work and everything + about ten other styles of competitive dance. Was also a competitive gymnast. Used to do a lot of shows and was into drama, musical theatre and elocution (not that you'd know it)

Gizmo - I love that book. Makes you feel so clever when you can actually answer how a combine harvester works to an inquisitive five year old.

Oh it's great, and I'm just starting to go through it again with DS2.

The other thing that's well worth showing your nosy 5 - 10 year old is an ancient channel4 series called 'The Secret Life of Machines' featuring fantastically eccentric 1980's inventors with mad hair, corduroy jackets and low production values explaining how things like lifts, fridges and sewing machines were invented. Top TV.

Oh golly do I know you from nationals or regionals, tavvy? You're about my age aren't you (early/mid-twenties).

what have I been doing with my life? I can't actually do anything in comparison to you lot, this is most distressing. Can the weekend away involve you all teaching me ? Esp how to get a loopy TB to do ANYTHING other than kick up its heels and head off into the distnace with me pulling ineffectually on the reins...........I did do a fencing lesson at centerparcs once, does that count?

this'll be why when DD1 is asked what I do she says 'talking on the phone and playing on the computer'

stayed off this thread today to try and get some work done but can feel myself getting sucked in again helllppp

ps frakkin how d'ya get the gnu to agree to go in the cabinet?

and boffinmum tanks for James May is a great idea, especially if the little hamster bloke is right there with him

Colleague of mine once provided some 'technical assistance' for James May (drew all the equations for calculating a car's flight path over buses if I recall) and said he appeared to be in a place where he would Feel No Pain, even if placed under a tank. So it might be more satisfying than productive.

Helen: 'how to get a loopy TB to do ANYTHING other than kick up its heels and head off into the distnace with me pulling ineffectually on the reins' Yes, that's riding work. See, there's something for your list

feel better now, cheers

Frakkin - I'm 24 so yes.
I suppose it is possible our paths have unknowingly crossed in the competitive arena.
Scary thought isn't it?

Were you artistic?
I did artistic gymnastics and sports acrobatics. Can do rhythmic gymnastics with the ribbon only and only for display purposes