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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Depressed nanny

91 replies

KatyH · 14/12/2009 11:30

Hello,

we've had our nanny for about 3 months now. It turns out she is depressed and tried to hurt herself yesterday. She is off sick today and going to see the doctor. I'm worried that due to financial pressures she will try to come back to work when she isn't really fit to. Does anyone know whether I can force her to get signed off?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

AtheneNoctua · 14/12/2009 20:08

No way no how is a suicidal nanny fit to look after my children. She probably won't hurt them but what happens when you DC wants to slit his/her wrists to be like nanny???

I would write the doctor for a report. I would do this partly to see the report but also so that the doctor knows if he/she signs her back to work it is to look after small children and he/she might think twice about that.

Duty of care to the nanny? Are you kidding me? Surely OP's duty of care is to her children first and foremost. I try to treat my nanny well, but not at the expense of my children. Jeez... who in their right mind would even consider putting their children at risk?

REquest that doctor note and bend over backwards to make sure the octor knows the full situation (attempted suicide, small children). Who knows, maybe she hasn't told the doctor the full story?

lou031205 · 14/12/2009 20:14

Athene doubt their first choice would be to copy one event. How daft.

IQuibbleThereforeIAm · 14/12/2009 20:19

I think the chances of the DC slitting their wrists to be like Nanny are fairly remote.

But I would not want this girl looking after my kids unless her depression was well under control and I think that will take a lot longer than a couple of weeks' leave.

GypsyMoth · 14/12/2009 20:22

what was it?? attempted suicide or self harm?

AtheneNoctua · 14/12/2009 20:36

My nanny likes cats. DD is now obsessed with them and DS wants to marry the kitten.

If you really think that it is daft to point out that the children might model their own behaviour after nanny's then I think you are not fit to engage in a battle of wits.

AtheneNoctua · 14/12/2009 20:39

Incidentally I am no fan of cats and spend several years modeling DD into a dog lover before nanny came along and undid it all.

wickedwitchofwaterloo · 14/12/2009 20:49

I can sort of see where you are coming from Athene HOWEVER I am pretty sure that the nanny would not be parading her scars nor encouraging any child under her care to copy her actions by flaunting what she has done - most people who have taken the wrist cutting route would take steps to cover it when at work especially with your children

wickedwitchofwaterloo · 14/12/2009 20:50

*your = young
d'oh

LeninGrotto · 14/12/2009 20:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AtheneNoctua · 14/12/2009 20:58

Of course. I would do whatever I could to help my nanny, except where it put my children at potential risk.

And children often see and copy things we don't mean for them to see and copy. Like when when my toddler said "Fuck!" and DH looked at me with an evil eye and I knew I was guilty. Oops. Didn't really mean to teach her that... but obviously I did.

Besides someone who is so depressed she cuts her wrists whenther for attention or a genuine intent to end her life can not possibly be paying as much attention to the child's wefare as she should be.

This poor nanny obviously needs help. It is sad. But, God forbid, what if something happened to the children not because she harmed them intentionally but because she took her eye off the ball and the sufferred as a consequence.

lou031205 · 14/12/2009 21:00

Athene - how often do you think your nanny has shown her love of cats, and how often do you think the OP's nanny has cut her wrists in front of the children? Slight difference between 'modelling behaviour' and an act of crisis which may or may not have been witnessed by the children.

As for my fitness to engage in a battle of wits

wickedwitchofwaterloo · 14/12/2009 21:15

Besides someone who is so depressed she cuts her wrists whether for attention or a genuine intent to end her life can not possibly be paying as much attention to the child's welfare as she should be.

I think that was a rather dangerously sweeping statement. There are probably millions of people (men and women) who have engaged in this behaviour and cared for children at the same time.
Admittedly I am not 100% whether I would want to be paying them to look after my children if I was a mother, but I think its a little off to suggest that just because someone is depressed enough to cut themselves they are unable to show love or compassion to children in their care - the two are just so worlds apart.

Hating yourself does not mean you have no time for those around you or that you would even think of endangering the lives of the children in your care.

Original poster

KatyH · 14/12/2009 21:26

Thanks for all your messages. I'm now not sure if it was self-harm or suicide. She said she was thinking that she didn't want to live anymore and the next thing she knew she had a pair of scissors at her wrist, but then she started screaming and couldn't stop so I'm not sure if she actually did anything. I didn't really want to ask too many questions because she seemed quite embarassed. Whatever it was, it's fair to say she's not in a good place right now.

I really don't have concerns about her intentionally harming my kids but I do worry about her ability to do the job. I came home the other week and she was in tears because dd2 had climbed up on her high chair and was about to fall off. She grabbed her arm to stop her and in the process gouged a couple of chunks out of her arm with her nails and felt terrible. It's that kind of thing that worries me. I don't think she deliberately hurt her but I don't think her performance is quite up to scratch at the moment. How on earth did she manage to scale the high chair unnoticed? She's a tiny wee thing, it would've taken her a while to get up there. I've also been finding pen on the furniture and walls which indicates to me that her supervisory skills aren't great. We will get the report but part of me wonders how on earth anyone can say for sure that she can do her job when there's nobody there to see what she's doing! I will make sure the doctor knows what her job entails though, that's a very good idea. Thank you.

OP posts:

Kaloki · 14/12/2009 21:34

If her concentration is suffering then the pills should help. But obviously you need to feel your kids are safe. Take care of yourself.

Kaloki · 14/12/2009 21:40

Forgot to say, from your description of what happened Katy, it doesn't sound like she's a frequent self harmer

MortaIWombat · 14/12/2009 21:48

Pay her off up to the end of her period of notice, and get her out now. All sympathy to her, but your children come first. Sorry to be brutal/not very pc.

K75 · 14/12/2009 22:17

Agree with Wellies; it's harsh but I would not leave my kids in this position. I would serve her notice, pay it in full and perhaps with a little extra and ask her to finish up.

Original poster

KatyH · 14/12/2009 22:25

I'm not sure we can just pay her off. She can't claim unfair dismissal before 1 year, but the Disability Discrimination Act applies straight away. She's been depressed before so it would count as a disability but how do you make 'reasonable adjustments' to allow someone with depression to look after small children? The only adjustment I can think of is supervising her until we're confident she's okay...but that would defeat the purpose of having a nanny.

OP posts:

K75 · 14/12/2009 22:31

Fair point Katy; get yourself some good legal advice but in tandem I would start looking for someone else.

Kaloki · 14/12/2009 22:34

That is difficult Katy, wish I had an easy answer for you.

BooHooo · 14/12/2009 22:38

After your last post I would say you have to let her go, really awful situation to be in buy your children come first surely?

Original poster

KatyH · 14/12/2009 23:05

Dh thinks we should pay her off, or at least make sure she takes quite a long time off work. I can see why people think that but I do want to do right by her. She's lovely and deserves a bit of a break. I'd feel like I was yet another person crapping on her from a great height. But then there are my dds...

Anyhow, thank you for your input. It helps just to hear other's opinions.

OP posts:

IQuibbleThereforeIAm · 15/12/2009 09:13

OK, the thing about her nails taking chunks out of your DD's arm sounds very strange to me. Even if her nails are a wildly inappropriate length that would be pretty hard to do.

Athene - I wouldn't want to engage with a battle of wits with you either, as it appears you are only half-armed.

AtheneNoctua · 15/12/2009 11:42

Surely if you google the symptoms of depression you will come to the conclusion that she is not fit to have unsupervised care of a baby.

She is not well. She is not fit for work. The only way you can know for sure if something will happen to your children is when it has. I personally would not want to find out.

You obviously have to operate within the limits of the law. But, of course, as a mother who loves her children, you will put them first.

Blondeshavemorefun · 15/12/2009 11:44

try and get a doctors report and go from there

it is tough, but you do have to do what is best for your safety of your children

chances are that she will be ok/children safe, but do you want to take that chance ......

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