CM "banned" DD for 3 weeks said she was "too defiant"...devastated.

[eleanorrubysmummy]

My DD has been with CM from 3 months (now 3 yrs). CM said couldn't cope with her defiance anymore, considering not having her anymore, wanted a rest for 3 weeks. DD can be handful (spoilt ) but is basically happy & loving...Help??

DD has just completed her 5th playschool session and so far the staff say she is "lovely, so friendly & helpful".
Barrel, I am trying to be objective & work with the CM but nothing ever seems to be positive anymore. She has a wide range of children aged 0-14 yrs, mainly sort of 2-3 yrs.

You are in a sensitive place right now, please be heartened by the fact there are 'awful stages' to lots of dc out there, and you need lots of hugs and cuddles because parenting is hugely complex/difficult especially after having such a huge knock as this one.

But as I said before, finding a positive way forward is the only way to go and you must be very pleased your dd has settled so well at playschool.

to be honest your cm sounds like a lazy cow who wants the cash and doesnt want to really look after your dd who, by the way, sounds completly normal.

Dont let her undermine your confidence as a mum.

Still cant get over the 3 weeks, what a bloody cheek, please tell me you arnt paying her..

Yes, really delighted...I was dreading it because of all this...I was sure they would say "naff Orf" by day two!! Lol.
Positivity is the way forward but as my DD has been with her all her life I MUST be sure I'm doing the right thing.
Me, just me, says change now, but then I think about DD and my brain goes scrambly!
If I buy a lottery ticket do you think I'll win then all my worry be solved!!

Are you sure you can't afford FT nursery, Eleanor? I would have thought that with the over 3's subsidy (5 sessions paid for each week), it would be about the same as you have paid the CM all these years. AND there's possible increases to your CTC award, the CTC award is scaled to your actual childcare costs below a certain income threshold.

I think that if YOU think the cm doesnt like your dd then she probably doesnt and I would definatly move her.

As I said I dont like the sound of your cm and if she is so rude and unpleasent TO YOUR FACE about your dd, what can she be saying to her when you arnt around.No child should be constantly exposed to such negativity..

Your biggest lottery win was your dd.. but hey get that ticket anyway and good luck!! lol

thanks for getting back to me about that. Don´t worry, I would never say "pull yourself together" or some such thing. Have had PND myself, and found that comment to send me to depths of despair (and wanting to scream: "I would if I could! I don´t enjoy being like this!"). I am just going to do some baby sitting and stuff like that.

But back to your DD, I hope you find a new and suitable childcare arangement soon! Good luck.

Bidibidi....my biggest problem with playschool is they don't open early enough (need to drop off DD at 7.45am latest) & the one we chose doesn't open until 8am!

If I paid playschool for the 3 days a week, even with subsidy etc it just wouldn't be feasible to work (take home would be about 40 per month after all paid out!!)

Pls don't get me wrong though...my CM isn't a horrible person but she is very quietly spoken, as are all the family, and somewhat reserved.

And no, no pay was expected during those 3 weeks!

Gotcha, Eleanor.
I worked for £10/month for a while. Plus my pension and NI and it was a paid break from DC.

Blimey, no thanks! Lol. I don't want to work and I don't need a break from DD so if the money is peanuts n we're going to struggle, I'd rather struggle and not work at all!!!

But DD needs more than me, so the work must go on! Sob

Your DD doesn't need more than you . She needs a mum who is happy and not a cm who is negative about her all the time.

get shot of the cm.place your child where she is wanted

you pay money - you are the client you dont have to use the cm with her bad attitude,and apparent inability to deal with 3yo that she needs respite.pah

Agree with the other posts, get a new childminder asap.
Thats what 3yr olds do, messing about etc

i doubt anything is going to change in 3 weeks. ok cm will have recharged her batteries, but she'll be back to square one with setting boundaries etc IMO.

Perhaps you could get a 3 week trial with someone else, discussing from the beginning that there have been issues elsewhere (you don't need to mention names or places) with behaviour and you want to work together with carer on this. what's behaviour like at nursery?

I can see the cm side re painting - it can be a real challenge to fit pick ups/lunches/naps etc into our day. If one child is late coming out it may mean the cm is late picking up another child, or a baby's bottle is delayed, or another mindee doesn't have long enough for their nap etc. I would not get the paints out or start a long game just before a meal time or hometime - its not fair on the child or the parents.

It does sound very strange that the childminder has had the little girl for nearly 3 years and is now saying that. Surely she should have a close bond with the child after caring for her for so long. Maybe it is an excuse? Does the childminder maybe like younger or older children to look after because she finds them easier maybe?
Or has anything big happened in your childs life recently that could have made her behaviour change dramatically? but then again you would have noticed this or is there anything that may have changed at the childminders, new baby mindee or something?

I am shocked - I cannot believe a childminder would actually 'ban' in this manner. Being a childminder myself I would see that as a failing in my professional life and a failing in not communicating with the parent to resolve issues.
In my time as a minder I have only ever had to let one child go because of the behaviour and tbh it was mainly due to the attitude of the parent(s) towards me. This particular childs behaviour was dangerous to say the least. When I made the decision to terminate the contract (not ban the child) I mooched for ages thinking i had failed.

I would recommend that you find another minder - one who has more of a professional outlook on things. I was see this as an irrevocable breakdown in communications and trust as well.

Me too pippin26 In all the years i was a childminder i never felt the need to 'ban' a child! Like you pip i had to let one go mainly due to the parents, but never 'ban'

To be honest I would be amazed if anyone on MN knew a 3 YO who wasn't defiant at least sometimes !!
She sounds a bit mad .. or if there is more to DD's behaviour than that, if so then CM should discuss it with you fully ....
Good luck .

well as she is 3, it is not too early to think about school.if you know which one you want her to go to why not find a cm now that will fit in with that. totally reasonable to find someone that will take and pick up from playschool and then continue with school pick up and drop off and holidays.

seriously at 3 if you have doubts, just go for it. Trust your gut instinct on this- I moved my DD2 from a nursery at 2 because it suddenly hit me that is was totally unsuitable for her and found a cm that i was happy with. there has to be a fit for the child.

it really does sound like something that you will never look back on and regret. i do think that at 3 she will pick up on the atmosphere.

seriously, find another and tell dd that you have found someone who can do the playgroup and school thing and original one can't. She will not give it a second thought and as others have said, she will view the new cm with more respect.

Have you had any advice from the SCMA/NCMA about wether your CM has breached contract?

Please do think hard about getting your DD out of this setting she is completely normal from what you have told us.

Hi eleanorrubysmummy
I could be wrong but...
Because you have a contract, which is legally binding, (presumably you do have one) then... she is obligated to look after your child unless there is sickness etc or you have been given you x weeks notice. If she does not follow the contract then you can use alternative childcare of your choice and present her with the bill for it, until she takes you back/her notice period is up.

The contract works both ways and not only ensures that you pay her, but that she cant drop you at her whim without notice.

hiya,

I'm a nanny and have had to deal with some erm "challanging behaviour" whilst ive babysat or nannied, challanging (to me) ius behaviour that harms others e.g. hitting punching pinching, and being rude and a danger to others.

from what i've read you DD sounds pretty much like any other 3 year old! they ALL have phases of defience etc (maybe one day ill have a phase where i learn to spell!)

your CM sounds like shes fed up of her job! and is taking it out on you and your DD.

likefabbakersgirl said, you Daughter doesn't need more then you, she needs a happy calm enviroment with lots of love, cuddles and fun!

your DD may be upset at leaving childminder and going somewhere new (that is 100% to be expected) BUT she will love being in a place who doesnt want her to stop being an average (for use of a better word!) 3 year old!

do what YOU think is right, your her mummy! you know what is right for her. and i really dont think this CM is good for her OR you!

oh dear - this sounds to me - not wishing to upset you - that the childminder doesn't much like your daughter it happens we can't like all the kids we mind and three is a difficult age but really if she's had her from three months you'd think the c/m could get through this stage because that's all it is the next stage in her development.

if it was my child i would move her - a mix of nursery or pre-school and childminder sounds good to me.

Please have a look round for other CMs, there are a few websites you can search e.g. here who'll be willing to do your hours and drop-offs. Or is there another nursery you could consider with better opening hours?

Your guilt is misplaced. Even without this v strange behaviour from the CM, it's clear from what your dd says that the cm is no longer what your she needs.

Are you getting the over 3s discount from nursery and are you and dh both using childcare vouchers e.g. Busybees, to pay for childcare? You can both get £243 off your salaries tax free that goes straight to the childcare provider, saving £1200 a year each. We use this for 3 yr old dd at her private nursery and it covers the cost.