CM "banned" DD for 3 weeks said she was "too defiant"...devastated.

[eleanorrubysmummy]

My DD has been with CM from 3 months (now 3 yrs). CM said couldn't cope with her defiance anymore, considering not having her anymore, wanted a rest for 3 weeks. DD can be handful (spoilt ) but is basically happy & loving...Help??

I wish I could give up work but I can't for financial reasons. However I do the sums, we cannot afford F/T nursery so CM is the only option. I think I find it hard to trust ppl with DD & because she went to CM when I was ill & unaware, it worked and now I know, I feel sccared to let her go to anyone else, although I agree that I think I do need to move DD...God, STRESSSSSSSSSSS

I think the childminder is being totally unreasonable. It would be interested to know what OFSTED think of excluding a three year old for three weeks. The poor kid must be deeply hurt and not understand what on earth is going on.

Is there anyway that you or your DH could change your shift pattern. 6.50am to 9pm is a terribly long time for a three year old to be in daycare.

DD doesn't go that long!! Bless her! Enough to wear down anyone, even a saint! No, DH drops her off at about 8am then picks her up about 17.45hrs when he gets home. When I work I don't even see her at all that day (work 3 days)

I could do Early shifts (leave 6.50, home at 1600hrs) but would have to do 5 days a week instead of 3, then childcare costs too high to make working feasible

Are you happy that your 3 y.o is in day care for so long every day? She is only little once and these are her most formative years. Please put her needs first, or you'll go mad from the stress of it all.

I had to change things around to get more 1-1 contact with mine and we have a lot less money, day trips instead of foreign hols, home cooked meals instead of ready made etc. Women feel guilty whatever they do or don't do it seems but only you can make the right choice for your dd. But there would be no way on earth I'd accept a situation where I didn't even like the person I've entrusted to be 'substitute mummy' while I'm not around. Is your financial position worth more than the peace of mind of you and your dd?

If your cm has wanted a breather from your dd aren't the warning bells ringing loudly for you? Your cm is telling you she cannot cope with her.

You have to thank your lucky stars your cm is so honest. A lot would have had to happen for her to say that. Your dd probably grates on the cm's nerves and there is a clear personality clash.

Get your dd away from this cm and if you have no other option, look at yourself hard in the mirror and ask why not? It is nothing to be ashamed of if you also find your dd trying and difficult, but ultimately, she is your responsibility and either you or your dh needs to change something in your schedules to make good parenting a priority. For all your sakes.

barrel, I thought you must have crossed posts with the OP, but then looked at the time difference. She only works three days a week so think you can lay off with the 'if you just cut back a little' advice.

Yes cross posts, but omg don't slate the cm for not being able to cope. Parents have ultimate responsibility whether they want it or not.

Don't think 8 to 5.45 is something childminders in general can't cope with. This particular childminder looks like someone who can't cope with her job. Banning a 3yo for being defiant and stopping her from painting at playschool, for heaven's sake - am surprised anyone is trying to justify it.

Says here she has an excellent reputation and 25 years experience, so it sounds as if she has 'met her match' with this particular child.

Far better for the cm to admit she can't cope with this particular little girl than the parents forcing her to keep looking after her by saying there's no one else?

How would you feel if that was your child?

I'd be utterly mortified my child's behaviour was deemed that bad, but more importantly if I didn't feel it was justified I would not let this cm ever have responsibility for my child again.

May be the cm has a waiting list and so doesn't need to spend time on trying to cope with a child she doesn't gel with. I think the cm's honesty is admirable because there are too many awful cases of adults seeing red with toddlers in the headlines.

Imagine if the cm had posted, 'I've got an excellent reputation, 25 yrs experience but I really can't cope with this 3 y.o , she's completely doing my head in, but the parents say they there's no one else, what should I do?'

I think you'd give her more compassion than you're showing here.

I admit to once caring for a little boy that I couldn't cope with. I was completely honest with his parents. We tried all kinds of strategies, but in the end I gave notice. I would not have given a 3 week ban, because that would not have made any difference when he came back! Still ashamed of the one I let down

I find it frightening that almost anyone (Ie. with a clean CRB check) can become a childminder. Although there are some fanastic childminders there are also some who should never be allowed near children. They also seem to be an absolute law unto themselves.

Why doesn't the OP put her dd in a day nursery. She would get nursery vouchers and child tax credits towards the cost. I am sure that the NHS has a salary sacifice scheme that would allow her to offset the cost of nursery against tax. A nursery would have lots of children of the same age and if there are special needs then its more likely to be spotted.

It is much harder for a day nursery to kick out a child. They also have qualified staff and would look at the possibly of special needs if a child is struggling.

My 3.5yr old is at a CM, she is excellent and even though in the first week he was very stubborn and had a few tantrums, she worked through it with him and now he begs to go. DS2 is has always pushed boundaries and been stubborn, but he listens to her like noone else! She uses distraction tactics etc all without raising her voice, ever. He is quite often filthy after going to preschool, no worries, CM has a spare set of clothes for him. I know that she genuinely loves being around children and knows how to care for them in a safe and loving environment.
I agree with the other posters who say that you should look elsewhere, another CM. She doesn't sound to be right for you or your DD's needs. She is just "giving up" when any CM who is putting their Mindees needs first would be working through strategies and finding ways to make the arrangement work.
If your DD has been there 3 years then I cannnot understand why the CM is being so obstructive, it doesn't sound like she understands children at all.

Have you thought about upping nursery hours and getting an aupair?
Dont stay with this childminder,sounds like she doesnt like your DD and kids pick up on that which is probably why she plays up more for her.
Goodluck with your decision,its so hard sorting decent childcare.

There are other child minders.

You can not leave her there any longer.

I truely wish I could give up work, I'd do it in a shot but DH wage won't even cover the house bills...As for foreign holidays..!!! We have never had one and have just taken the decision not to do a £9.50 pp Sun holiday cos we cannot afford it!

Barrelofloves, I am mortified, upset, ashamed and every other word I can think of that someone who has cared for my DD for so long feels she is so awful.
No-one else has said she's so bad & as parents we do have quite tight boundaries most of the time! MOST of the time. Sometimes I give in, tired stressed etc
I DO accept full responsibility for her behaviour, and try my hardest to sort problems...I'm not scared to ask my Health Visitor or anyone for help...I don't shy away...I want my girl to be a happy, sociable, likeable child and I'd give anything for this never to have happened.

"No-one else has said she's so bad"

There you are, it is the CM problem.

Why are not taking her out and looking for someone who will look after her properly?

Op, please don't think that this is a reflection of your DD, what you have described does not warrant being excluded at all. If you'd said she was hitting/biting other mindees then I'd understand a bit more.
Believe me when I say that my DS2 has his moments, he can be extremely stubborn. My CM took great lengths to understand him and his flashpoints/bugbears, they now have a great relationship.
Honestly, your DD is no the one in the wrong here.
I'd be finding a new CM, sacking the other one and making it very plain why you are doing so. I'd also think about complaining about her as well, because she seems to be unfit to look after childen if she gets flummoxed so easily by their behaviour.

Have you looked into vouchers for your chidcare, you are entitled to £243.00 a month each taken from your wages before tax. I think NHS use Accor, but dont quote me on that, that would save you money, plus your DD is 3, so will get 2.5 hours per day term time paid for, with those savings can you not afford full time Nursery?

What is the age profile of the other mindees?

Ds was with is CM from 9 months to 4.0. She made it clear that she preferred younger children and wasn't interested in looking after ds any longer.

We made alternative arrangements and have subsequently learnt that she does have school age mindees, just not ds. I was mortified at the thought of changing ds's childcare but in the end it was the best thing I have done. He had got to the stage of being reluctant to go, something we have never had with his current childcare arrangements.

It doesn't matter what other people say about your dd, they are not the ones looking after her for long hours.

Please swallow your pride about what your cm has said about your dd but view it constructively. You clearly cannot go on sending her to her and the 3 week off was probably to do with your cm knowing her limits.

NEVER push someone who is reluctant to look after your child. Your child is precious to you but a pain to this cm, just accept it and take comfort from the fact many parents have had difficult stages with their dc.

Don't make it awkward for the cm to 'fire' your dd, find a nursery place for her or ask around for alternative arrangements ASAP.

You know the present situation is completely unsustainable anyway, but your dd's emotional and physical safety has to come first.

You may also find other parents have complained about your dd, it sounds as if you need to be objective and take the emotion out of it to find out exactly what's been happening, why the cm hasn't tried 'distraction techniques' and if she has, why haven't they worked? Being positive and constructive is the only way forward.

Hopefully you will able to take what she says objectively to help your dd as after 3 years of looking after your dd she should be in a good position to give a constructive opinion on the best way forward.

Good luck!

EleanorRubysmum, I am sorry this must be hard for you.

In this case I would just go with your instincts. If you fear CM doesn´t like your DD, that should be a reason to change.

Change doesn´t have to be too stressful. It can be a huge relief for everyone involved.

Your DD sounds like a normal 3 year old. My DS NEVER wanted to put his shoes on, never wanted to wear his coat, was very defiant in general. It was part of "Terrible Twos" (which ends , sadly, roundabout 4 in my experience). It requires a bit of patience.

I think that as your DD has been with this CM since very little, she feels "free" to behave like that, normally this sort of behavious is saved for home. So a change might work, a new kind CM might mean your DD behaves a bit better (my DS was good with his CM but saved his defiance for home!).

(PS a friend of mine has recently been taken into hospital with puerperal psychosis, I am really worried about her. Is there a good website you can recommend for me to read up on this condition? It happened two weeks ago, and the meds haven´t started working yet. How long does it normally take before you can function again? Sorry if you don´t want to talk about this! Feel free to ignore. Have been looking for a thread on it here, but not found one)

It is the job of a CM, surely, to manage childhood, or rther toddler, behaviour. It is part of their remit surely?

I would want to know more about what techniques and strategies the CM is using with your DD, when she is displaying more challenging behaviour. What rewards and sanctions are in place? Are they working at all? If not, why not?

If your DD does not display these levels of behaviour elsewhere then there must be something going on regards the CM and the way their relationship is, and this is what needs to be addressed. Maybe the CM is not up to dealing with toddler behaviour? In that case, you need to decide whether she is the best person to care for your child.

As for a CM actually excluding a toddler from childcare

Also - what you describe is normal 3 year old behaviour by the sounds of it. Even the calmest, gentlest of 3 year olds are defiant. It is a normal developmental stage. They are learning boundaries and limits. They have to go through the defiant bits in order to learn. The CM needs to have strategies in place to deal with this, that's all, so your DD learns what is and isn't acceptable at the CM's setting.

Obviously you need to be doing this too, but it does sounds as if you have been trying to.

Hi Chandon, yes my family and I have used the local Mental Health services..they have brilliant access. I haven't found any websites that have been particularly helpful I must say...mostly sort of Woe Is Me type settings (not helpful!!)
MIND are good for me to chat to, plus I have Cognitive Behavioural Therapy which has really helped.
BUT>>>>>my main help has come from my family and proper friends!! Just be there, and pls pls pls, never say "Pull it together!" The guilt when you realise whats happening is HUGE without that!! And never be afraid to call the doctor or psychiatrist for help!

And now I've r5ead what you wrote properly... LOl. I lost a year completely, no memories at all, and hazy on another 6 months or so. Its been 3 yrs now and I still have max medication & occasional dips. I do talk because if more ppl did, I wouldn't have been so ill at home, scaring my DH to death!! If you want to email me directly I am happy to