CM "banned" DD for 3 weeks said she was "too defiant"...devastated.

[eleanorrubysmummy]

My DD has been with CM from 3 months (now 3 yrs). CM said couldn't cope with her defiance anymore, considering not having her anymore, wanted a rest for 3 weeks. DD can be handful (spoilt ) but is basically happy & loving...Help??

Maybe the CM is expecting your DD to be a 'girly girl' whereas your DD is more the type who likes mess, likes running around with a stick in the garden, likes running around without shoes on.

If what DD does is not endangering someone else, or herself, or property - what is the problem. Children aged 3 will be defiant (hey they are defiant when 18 months old). If children run off when out and about, then that needs to be controlled - reigns may not be popular these days, but their use may be needed with children who endanger themselves near roads. Children need to run about, so when out and about the CM should be finding places where your DD is able to have more freedom.

Reassess your childcare needs. This CM may not be the ideal person anymore.

I agree with all the rest, this is crazy. Banned?! Surely not, there are lots of things that could have been tried, and I do agree that this c/m is not the one for your daughter.

I have a "challenging" 6 year old but it's never once occurred to me to ban him. It's mad, frankly.

Eeek - surely there are worse things than not saying please/thank you? I think it's a lack of mutual respect, why should she say please if the c/m isn't being nice to her. I constantly remind my own 3.5 year old to have manners, she is 3! I have to constantly remind my 6 year old mindee too for that matter. Deal breaker, no.

I just want to echo what a lot of other posters have already said. Your dd sounds a lot like my dd3 (age 3), she does all those thigs that your dd does. I wouldn't describe either of them as spoilt or defiant but I would describe them as typical 3 year olds.

You CM sounds vile. I can't believe she has a problem with painting at nursery. What does she think they do there.

I am with Shoshe here, I am so shocked. Give notice, right away. I didn't see the bit about the painting. In this house, messy children = happy children.

Like Nick said .... I mind a 3 year old who would run for the hills if she had the chance, so I use reins as a safety aid. She understands why and she is learning to walk, holding the buggy, so I will soon be able to set her free. She loves to run off, make a mess, scream at the hens, unroll the toilet roll, empty the nappy bag, etc ... but hey ... she's 3! Firm and consistent boundaries with lots of praise in between work for her.

sounds like a normal 3 year old to me love. As a cm and mum I set the rules and use reins so no running off. Also you and her must work together to set boundaries and STICK to them so no 'spoiling' at home.

Your cm sounds a bit mad really.. banned for 3 weeks.. how is that going to sort out any problem anyway.. get another cm or use a nursery BUT you and partner MUST stick together and work together.

'spoilt' kids arnt happy kids you know but hey 3 is a challenging age, sure all will work out fine.

I missed the bit about painting, and am now rejecting my earlier Calm and Reasonable, See How It Works Out schtick...

get a new cm. She sounds awful!-why on earth does she want to be a cm if she doesn't tolerate mess or difficult behaviour? She needs a nice desk job

Crikey, I very rarely come on to these threads to say this but .....she just sounds really awful. I used to childmind, did so for 10 years and never would have dreamed of banning someone for 3 weeks!!!!!! WHAT??!! What was she thinking, she is providing a service, you need childcare, she can't just end it like that for 3 weeks!! The only time I would do this is in the case of me or mindees being gravely ill or I dunno, the kitchen falling down or something!

Agree that she should have a behaviour management policy and you should ask to see it. Or just leave - if dd is happy at nursery, I would look into her doing full days there - do they have wraparound care?

Not wanting her to get painty before hometime?
Crazy. Take wipes, contain other mindees in buggy and clean her up, or bundle her in car and clean her up when you get home. Not that much of an issue really.

I woldn't be sending my chld back to this CM - she clearly can't. cope. Maybe the CM is the type of person who is better with babies than toddlers? Time to move on, I'd say!

I've never heard anything like this before, you can't help a child's behaviour by turning your'e back on it. If this CM can't cope then she needs to come clean and say so rather than mucking you and DD about like this.

You say you admit your daughter is spoilt, to me a spoilt child has major stropps, screaming tantrums, feet stamping, throwing, hitting etc, not forgeting to say please/thankyou. If your DD does have any of the above then you need to address the situation otherwise you will probably have similar issues with other childcare providers, however from what you say your DD sounds like a pretty normal 3yo to me.

I'm surprised that if your DD has been with this cm for three years that she doesn't know the house rules yet, usually only takes a couple of weeks at most, sounds like theres a bit more to things I would ask your CM what the real issue is and tell her to decide what she wants to do so you can make arrangements if needed.

And as for the painting thing I'm sorry but I'm a cm and I would have told her to get over herself, kids live for mess, mine get covered from head to foot in clay, paint, glue, sand water and sometimes stuff that I'm not even sure what it is, has your DD never done any messy play in the 3 yrs she's been with her?

Think I agree with the others find someone else or a nursery with sensible staff.

I agree that at 2 and a half/three years children are a handful sometimes and their behaviour can sometimes be seen as defiant but it's prob just the terrible twos, threes and fours!

It's up to the childminder to work with Mum on this if it becomes too much for her.

As for the painting at hometime at nursery - I can sympathise with the childminder on this one.

I collect a 2 and a half from nursery three times a week and she is never ready at collection time - not in the painting/activity way but I always have to hunt around for her socks, shoes, cardigan, lunchbox, water bottle. When you have a baby in arms and trying to hold onto another toddler this can be quite difficult. Also, I then have to rush to collect my child from school.

Maybe this is what the childminder is thinking about. She probably does do painting at home but collection time at nursery is not the right time to be doing this surely?

I'd ban bin the childminder

Scarfmaker - I wondered whether that might be the senario too, but when I think back to my children's nursery and others that I have picked children up from - the usual routine is for story-time or singing just before pick up. Though I do remember having to try and juggle children, pushchairs and paintings that hadn't fully dried and children protesting that their paintings just could not be left at nursery until the following day to dry and then take home

Ooh err! I'm a CM and had a full day with a new 3yr old girl last week and she was trying to 'assert herself' over me.
Came straight in the house, said she wanted the TV on and a yoghurt NOW!
Well I told her in no uncertain terms that this is my house and she has to follow my rules.
So there is no TV before lunch and yoghurts are for afters.
She was like a whirling dirvish for the rest of the day, managed to put a load of sand on the lawn.
Kept wanting me to push her on the swing, but I'm not falling for that as I had another child to look after.
Anyway, at the end of the day the mum came to collect and asked me "I hope she did not wear you out, she can be very stroppy at times".
But the weird thing is, that this child goes to a pre-school and I've helped out a few times there and she is nothing like it whilst there, but she does wander off in the middle of circle time

But I've got some strategies for her and I've found out that she is happy with painting and water play, so we'll be doing plenty of that.
Also I think that when they get tired they are a bit worse than usual.
The mum said she fell asleep straight away as soon as they drove off .
Wear them out!

Exactly Ripeberry - a good CM will have a multitude of tricks up her sleeves to deal with young children.

Running off would mean reins or wrist straps and plenty of time in safe areas where they can run around to their hearts content. Putting on shoes can be turned into a race, use of star charts or even reverse pyschology ie "I bet you can't put your shoes on by yourself!" - most children will want to prove you wrong

The op has given us some examples, but there could be more to the story, she may be a particularly wilful child that is very hard to entertain and keep control of, they can be very hard work and very wearing. But it does sound like the CM hasn't put much effort into dealing with it and 'banning' a child for 3 weeks seems particularly weak of the CM.

It does sound like perhaps the CM is better with young babies and toddlers and it may be better to move onto another CM or nursery.

Back again....DD is not constantly having tantrums, doesn't hit/bite or anything, but yes, we were in a big hole when the 3 wk break was in place.
CM does do painting at home with DD but says its "controlled" so little mess. She does have a lot of experience (25 yrs+) & always has "outstanding" Ofsted reports. I think I was so upset because she HAS had such an influence in my girls life, especially when I was so ill.

But I cannot get past the ..."Does she like my girl?"

Definately need to change your CM. No question. Your DD sounds just like mine. CM has the problem.

nbee84...I am trying to be objective & share as much info as poss to get help....personally I find my friends boys were more difficult than my DD...they used to scream at their Mum n Dad, bite each other but my girl never done that!!
She is very independent but responds really well to the Naughty Step scenario...CM calls it Thinking Step so does use it..reins are used when with CM but DD doesn't run off when with me N DH

you need to change cm!!!!
your dd sounds like my ds2-also 3 and also spoilt(hes the last baby!).he can be excitable,contrary,wants to be far too independant etc(pain in bum sometimes)but thats just him-i love him!if his cm acted like yours he'd be out of there asap.my cms(family of 3 all cms!)cater to my ds2 needs-behaviioural or whatever because thats there job!

I can't see what the point of an exclusion is for a 3 yo. How will that help the situation? She needs to come up with some strategeies or give notice. This is daft.

Cheesesarnie...DD is that! Independent & a pain in the bum at times but so loving! She always hugs the CM & used to run to her house (though just wants Playschool at mo!). DD has said twice "CM doesn't like me to play" and "CM said I can't paint"
I guess finding it so difficult because DD has been with her so long...I work for NHS leaving at ^.50am, getting home about 2100 hrs so couldn't drop her to playschool before hand or anything (nor can DH as playschool doesn't open until 0800 hrs)

OOps, leave at 6.50am!! Lol

Your childminder is nuts. Sorry, but you have to get your dd out of there. Woman has completely unreasonable expectations of a 3yo and is making you and dd unhappy. Please find other childcare as soon as you can.