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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Au Pairs boyfriend to stay ?

22 replies

Lasvegas · 12/05/2005 13:23

Our 1st AP has been with us 3 months she is fab. She is a v mature german 21 yr old. We are away for the w/e soon and she has asked if her male friend can stay in our home. My initial reaction is no-way am I having a stranger in my home albeit supervised by v reliable AP. But am I being unfair? Do you let your AP have friends to stay? I have suggested that a member of her family stay when we r are on hol for 1 week. Which I think is pretty generous of me.
My issue is not related to whether they have a sexual relationship or not as I would have same attitude if it was female friend. What would you do/ do you do?

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highlight · 12/05/2005 14:42

Our AP does sometimes have her BF to stay over usually when we are away but then we have met him as he is AP nearby. I don't think i would be too happy about someone staying who I haven't met whilst I wasn't there though. We have had her Mum to stay a few times which hasn't been a problem although sometimes if her Mum BF and other friend from college is round in the evning th e house feels a bit like the United Nations!

Caligula · 12/05/2005 14:43

I would want to meet him first. I think it's reasonable to want to know who is staying in your house.

Ameriscot2005 · 12/05/2005 14:47

Our first au pair often had female friends to stay (she didn't have a boyfriend, and I doubt she would have had one to stay if she did). We figured that if it was going to make her happier then it was a good thing and to be encouraged.

The one weekend we went away when she was with us, we offered for her to invited her friends over - they would all have been known to us anyway.

I would not have been happy about a boyfriend staying while we were at home, and it would have been a case of "see no evil" while we were away.

AnnaInManchester · 12/05/2005 18:51

I think she is a little cheeky to ask, as it is your home and its hers too, but I think it's still cheeky!

Perhaps ask if you can meet this friend a few times before he comes and then after u have met him, then you will decide if he can stay over or not.

Not meaning to alarm you or anything, but I once read that an au pair had her boyfriend over and he ended up abusing the children.

Would your children be comfortable with this man around too?

Tanzie · 12/05/2005 20:34

My au pair (actually more of a mother's help) does have friends to stay when we are away. We have met them, and that's fine. I think I would want to meet someone that she wanted to stay first, but would have no objection to a boyfriend staying occasionally if I had met him.

The Evil Nanny's husband used to turn up as soon as we had left the house in the morning and was still there when we came home at night, which irritated me - not just because I didn't know him very well, but because of the sneaky way they were going about it (and he used to eat a packet of biscuits a day according to Dd1!)

Tanzie · 12/05/2005 20:36

I'd also say, I don't think it's cheeky to ask - I would rather someone asked than just went ahead and did it - at least if she asks, and you say No, then you have some redress if you find out she has expressly gone against your wishes.

goldenoldie · 13/05/2005 15:29

No, I don't allow AP's boyfriends or male friends to stay over even when I am there, let alone when I'm not. Female friends are allowed to stay, if I am asked and it is not a regular thing, and if I am around. Would not allow it if I was on holiday.

It's your home that the AP is using temporarily, no right or wrong answer, it just depends on what you are comfortable with.

Blu · 13/05/2005 15:43

I would let definitely her, if I trusted her to be sensible and mature, as you clearly do. I think the point of an au pair is that they live 'on par' as a member of your family - would you let a 21 year-old daughter have a male friend to stay? Most parents would. if she can be responsible for your children, she will surely be responsible for your home? If she is mature and trustworthy, she will feel even more protective of your home in having the responsibility and privilige.

It seems a perfectly normal request - and good for her for asking rather than just importing him once you are packed and gone!

is he coming over from Germany? If so, he must be established in her life and care for her. if not, could you invite him over before you leave, to quell any lingering fears you might have had?

And as for child abuse, I thought the whole point is that LasVegas and family are away fro the w/e?

uwila · 13/05/2005 20:39

I'm with goldenoldie. No boyfriends in my house. It's not the example I would want to set for my kids. And she has only been with you for 3 weeks... It's just not something I would even want to start. It makes it difficult to draw the line if you decide later you are not comfortable with it.

Tanzie · 14/05/2005 21:42

Maybe he's not her boyfriend, but just a male friend, and she would just feel more comfortable if there is a man in the house with her? eg if your house is a bit isolated or something. I agree with Blu on this one.

Blu · 14/05/2005 22:51

I honestly don't get the anxiety over this. What might this young man do? Let the bath overfllow? So might you, the au pair or her mother if she came. Meet him? Can you tell a Kleptomaniac at 5 paces? And her mother could just as easily be a kleptomaniac in disguise.
And as for 'the example to my kids', she is 5 years past the age of consent and considered responsible enough to look after the kids. And they are going away, aren't they?
It sounds as if au pair agreements are written in High Victoriana! 3 weeks in a new country, she may well feel v v lonely if made to stay alone for a w/e, while you go off without her.

bossykate · 14/05/2005 22:53

hello, blu

Aero · 14/05/2005 23:08

As a young woman in a new country, she may just not want to stay alone in the house while you are away. I didn't like it when the people I nannied for in the lake district (house in the middle of nowhere) were away and often had a friend to stay (on their approval of course).
I'd allow it tbh, if I liked and trusted her as much as you clearly do, though would prefer to have met the person in question first.

kama · 14/05/2005 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Blu · 14/05/2005 23:48

Actually, on reflection, I have to recant some of what I said, as obvioulsy they might have sex on your living room rug (where IS that thread?). But then, so might you. And so might her mother if she came to stay

Hello BK. Are you still up? Can you see that big wedding party going on opposite our house? they cut the cake on top pf the wheelie bin earlier

Sorry LasVegas - back to your topic.

bossykate · 14/05/2005 23:57

have just dashed to the window to look - seems like i have missed the occasion!

cutting the cake on top of the wheelie bin, eh? no wonder we have an outbreak of mrsa - my mother trained as a nurse in the 50s - oh boy were basic hygiene rules drummed into as kids - dh on the other hand seems to have grown up in a world where basic hygiene rules were not held in high esteem...

hope they don't keep you up!

bossykate · 14/05/2005 23:59

um, i prolly wouldn't let the bf stay... just one of many reasons why i think live in staff/childcare is not for us - altho' never say never...

Blu · 15/05/2005 00:02

ooh, yes they're all leaving now. It's been going on all day. Probably the au pair
LOL mrsa.
Am going to bed now - in back room in case trad after-wedding fighting sets in.

Thanks again, Lasvegas, for your threadspace.

bossykate · 15/05/2005 00:09

good night!

goldenoldie · 15/05/2005 09:13

Blu, as I said, no right or wrong answer - just down to what you feel comfortable with, and it is not something I feel comfortable with.

However, I am up-front with AP on this when I interview or at least early on, and tell them I do not allow overnight stays, that way if they want to live somewhere that boyfriends can stay over they know that my family is not the one for them.

As Uwila said, if you say yes now, it is difficult to draw the line later on if you are not comfortable. We rented a room to a student a few years ago. Nice guy - we all liked him. He asked if his girlfriend could stay for the weekend while she was on holiday. The one weekend quickly turned into every weekend, and as they were students, the weekends quickly turned into Friday lunchtime till Monday evening. At the end of the six months she was virtually living with us! Not what we wanted or had planned. Raised it with him a number of times but that just lead to our relationship becoming very strained. As far as he was concerned, if one weekend was OK, why not every weekend.

Original poster

Lasvegas · 18/05/2005 09:24

Thank you all for your contributions. What Blu said about treating AP as if she was my daughter concentrated my mind. I would let a sensible child stay in family home alone/with friend when her dad and I went away. My parents left me home alone from age 17, I did have a few friends back but didn't wreck the palce and welcomed being treated as an adult. Anyway have said friend (x b'friend) can stay next sat night as a one off. DH still not keen and wants to mark the alcohol bottles!

OP posts:

Bugsy2 · 18/05/2005 12:30

Your house, your rules.
Personally, I let my AuPair have female friends to stay because I trust my AuPair (as far as I can). I have always said "no" for male friends, boyfriends etc simply because I think it is an easy boundary to abide by.

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