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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

new aupair and problems already-help please

59 replies

Totallyfloaty35 · 08/04/2009 17:49

I have an Australian who has been with us just over 2weeks.
I have a problem with the way she speaks to my 2yr old.If dd3 touches her drink(bottled water)an says what this? Aupair says very loudly"ITS MINE,dont touch it,its mine actually" Aupair was putting her own shoes on while sitting on stairs ,dd picked one up to help her put it on(as we do for her) Aupair snapped its my shoe leave it alone.I very calmly said she is just trying to help and removed DD.
Elder dds complained that when they all went to park they couldnt play on anything as they ended up looking after toddler as Aupair sat on a bench and ignored them.Eldest eventually said to her to play with dd3,so she just stood next to the baby swing she was on til dd1 said "well push her then!"
I have said to her we dont speak to dd like that,we explain why she cant do something etc calmly.Aupair also kept telling DD3 she was silly,doing silly things,thats a stupid thing to do,so often that dd1 snapped at her to stop saying her baby sister was silly or she will get a complex.I think that shocked aupair an she hasnt called her silly since(was planning on telling her myself but in a nicer way than dd did).
She is not very pro active,i keep finding her in front of tv
she wont play with dd in garden on trampoline or even push her in toy car,i had to tell her to(i was trying to cook dinner)and she got off garden chair and played with dd3 for 30sec then sat down again.
Im a bit non plussed really,other people have commented on the way she talks as well,Do i give her notice or talk to her again?

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Kathyis6incheshigh · 08/04/2009 17:55

To be honest it sounds like she has no interest in or rapport with children, and that's not something you can make her acquire by a talking to.
I would give her notice tbh. If it's housework she's mainly there for it doesn't matter if she does it grudgingly, but if she's meant to be interacting with your dcs and she doesn't they'll pick up on it.

Ebb · 08/04/2009 17:56

Honestly? I would get rid! If she talks like that to your children after 2 weeks ( and infront of you, I presume? ), she will only get worse.

Nobody should call a child stupid.

Original poster

Totallyfloaty35 · 08/04/2009 18:12

She not very good with housework either,but if aupairs are good with the kids you get over that
.She sits with us for movie night with a huge bowl of sweets,icecream drinks etc and never offers anybody else one,i think thats rude and middle dd complained that aupair never shares so why should she(this when i made her offer her chocolates round)
Im glad of your opinions, thought i was just being sensitive til i said to a mate what do you think of her and mate went very quiet and finally said"bit abrupt isnt she,scary almost"
She has come from such a long way away though and its not easy being in new country with new people,she is an only child and i dont think she even realises how she sounds or is not bothered,she actually sounds like someone at the end of their tether permanently.

OP posts:

cluttercup · 08/04/2009 18:46

Time to lay it on the line - explain exactly what your expectations are and then give her a week to change. Otherwise - goodbye.

Well done on your dc's for showing her how to behave!

kidowner · 08/04/2009 18:57

You know the answer.

No one in their right mind would keep someone like that.

I have found Turkish, Czech au pairs to be v. good.

I would't trust her with my dds.

AtheneNoctua · 08/04/2009 19:14

If she was my au pair, I would say to her tomorrow morning that I went to have a talk tomorrow evening. That was she has the day to ponder what it is she is going to have to talk about. Then, tomorrow evening, I would sit down, and talk to her in no uncertain terms. I would tell her this is her last chance. I would remind her she had already had a verbal warning. Then, I would hand her a written warning and I would remind her that if I didn't see a complete turnaround in the next 3 days she would be asked to leave. THAT will get her attention. It might piss her off and make her leave. And if it does then she will have saved you from having to kick her out.

But, obviously, her behaviour is atrocious and completely unacceptable for an au pair. It shoud not be tolerated.

Millarkie · 08/04/2009 19:45

I have had an au pair who needed guidance in how to 'jolly children along' rather than snap at them - and I wrote out a flow chart of 'how to deal with grumpy children' for her and talked her through it - and things improved...BUT she did actually like children and had experience of looking after them.
If she isn't any use at housework and she doesn't 'get' playing with children I would give her notice I'm afraid.

Clio58 · 08/04/2009 21:31

Did you get your au pair through an agency or by doing it yourself? Is there a contract? If you used an agency you should be able to contact them for advice. Nobody should be talking to the kids that way, explain what the situation is and maybe they can have a word with her. If it's a good agency they should be in regular contact with the au pair anyway. On the otherhand, if you got her yourself and there is no contract-get rid as soon as you like, sounds like you'll never see her again anyway. I'd recommend 2 weeks notice if your feeling generous and if she really wants to stay and be an au pair there is nothing stopping her from applying for a new family through a local agency. Good luck, i know how hard it is to find a reliable and trustworthy au pair.

HarrietTheSpy · 08/04/2009 22:10

I wouldn't bother to give her another chance. I would have seen enough to know she had to go immediately, esp if she has sole charge for any period of time.

She may be homesick etc as you say. If you feel really sorry for her, help her find someething else - bar or cafe work maybe?!- which doesn't involve kids as she doesn't seem to have the interest patience empathy etc.

Simplyme · 08/04/2009 22:36

I think you ought to let her go tbh. I know you want to be nice to the ap but at the end of the day you are sacrificing the children's happiness for the ap. It is the children's home and they need to feel secure and wanted and loved. The ap is not doing this and it's not right.

Summersoon · 08/04/2009 22:42

She sounds awful. And I certainly wouldn't consider leaving her with a 2-year old.
It is tempting to say "talk to her, give her one chance" but it doesn't sound to me as if you can trust her, even if - in front of you at least - she improves as a result of the talking-to. With a child that young, one time is all it can take. Also, if you did keep her, I am not sure what message you would be sending to your older children.

I had an appalling nanny once (first nanny job, previous experience in a children's home) - I knew she was no good after three weeks, but kept her on for another three, in the hope that things would get better. They didn't and we just ended up enduring three additional weeks of misery.

Sorry for your problem!

FlorenceofArabia · 08/04/2009 22:45

"she is an only child and i dont think she even realises how she sounds or is not bothered"

Only children tend to have pretty good social skills with both adults and kids. IME.

Original poster

Totallyfloaty35 · 08/04/2009 23:05

Thanks Ladies,I dont mean that only children are terrible or anything,i suppose im just looking for an excuse that she is not used to sharing,but i know lots of lovely only children.I will be giving her notice tomorrow,she did it again earlier,dd3 walked into her room to say goodnight,by the time i got to her room i could hear her telling dd3 not to touch her stuff,its her stuff leave it alone.I understand all about wanting private time/space but dd3 had only picked up some q-tips off the bed,nothing expensive or breakable and asked what they were,she was practically dragging her out the room.
She has not had sole charge,im usually in house or eldest dd(very responsible,wants to be an aupair one day)is around
But your right dd3 not that keen on her,she loved our last girl who was only a short term fill in but had endless patience and actually seemed to enjoy playing with the kids.
Thanks for your opinions on this.She was from Aupair world,good refs, crb checked etc,but you never can tell til you meet someone how they will be.

OP posts:

FlorenceofArabia · 08/04/2009 23:25

I think you're right to sack the au pair but you should also have a word with DD1 and tell her not to go into the next au pair's bedroom - she's entitled to some privacy without a child wandering in.

kidowner · 09/04/2009 05:08

It's all about personality at the end of the day. Trust your instincts, warning bells sound off for a reason.

We had an au pair I wasn't certain about once. I had to go out for the whole day and was not happy at leaving ap in sole charge so got my mum and sister over to 'observe'.

When I got back they both said ap indeed wasn't suitable. Ap was sad about it but got a job picking fruit in Scotland instead which relieved us all.

Ap wasn't a bad person but for some reason brought the worst out of dc which had never happened before or since.

DadInsteadofMum · 09/04/2009 10:27

Agree with Athene's course of action.

My contract always allows for a 21 day notice period if either party feels its not working out, if you have similar (and thats based on the standard one of APW) then when you sit down point out that clause and at the moment you are thinking of enacting it.

Personally I think you should give dd1 the job, sounds like she has everything under control already.

ChippingIn · 09/04/2009 17:37

Florence it was DD3 that went into the Au Pairs room to say Goodnight - she's 2. It's a lovely thing to do, not something she needs to be told not to do!!

Personally she'd have to go, I wouldn't want someone speaking/behaving like that with my children, especially in their own home.

The little one is 2, she's helping and inquisitive... and that's all. The AP should be loving a little one like that or in a different job.

cheapskatemum · 09/04/2009 18:22

I agree with most people here - if she has to be told to push a 2 year old on a swing by DD1, she's not AP material. If you don't mind me asking, why did you hire an Australian when there's so many closer prospective APs on APWorld?

Nele · 09/04/2009 18:41

I have been an au-pair for 2 years and this one sounds like bad news! I would have never dreamt of saying or doing what she does. She seems selfish and unloving and I think your children will not have a good time with her. What happens if they hurt themselves? Does she hug them? I bet not! Get rid of her!!!

Original poster

Totallyfloaty35 · 09/04/2009 18:57

Sorry she is a New Zealander,im always getting them mixed up(sorry people from NZ and OZ).I had a fab Australian before i suppose i was harbouring dreams of another great experience and dd3 has a few speech probs so we thought someone who already spoke english would be better for her .

OP posts:

willowthewispa · 09/04/2009 19:13

Maybe she would be better suited to a family with older children (teens?) where there is more housework than childcare?

If I was you I would probably tell her it isn't working out and offer to help her find a family she's more suited to, especially since she's such a long way from home.

Though I do also think even a 2 year old should know not to go into an au pair/nanny's room without knocking.

cheapskatemum · 09/04/2009 20:41

My teens would hate her. And they wouldn't be as nice as TF35s DDs about showing it.

PixiNanny · 09/04/2009 22:48

She sounds like a nightmare! Get rid of her asap, your DD1 sounds really good for the job description though

Seriously, she's obviously no good. She sounds like she doesn't even care about the kids, which is essential! How on earth did she get good refs?!

As a live-in I understand privacy, especially in the first few weeks of a job, but me and my 8yo g charge are always bouncing about on my bed or playing on my laptop in my room, and 12yo b also comes in sometimes to chat or play games on the PC with me, I see no problem with allowing them to see my personal space on occasion when I invade theirs everyday!

Original poster

Totallyfloaty35 · 17/04/2009 12:52

So just an update,we have given notice.It all came to a head
when dd2 stormed back home in tears from the park.DD1 was playing with toddler,aupair was sat on bench in park listening to ipod,dd2 asked her to hold dogs leads so she could go in park and play and aupair refused...said she doesnt actually like dogs and turned her back an carried on sunbathing.
I was furious,if she cant be bothered to play with kids then she could at least hold dogs leads(they very small dogs) and told her she should not have come to us if she doesnt like dogs(or kids)and i was not paying her to sunbathe,have given 3weeks notice,of course will not throw her out if she takes longer to find something but feel a bit calmer now i know she going....just got to start searching again now

OP posts:

hayley2u · 17/04/2009 13:02

i think that is the right thing to do. who s she to talk to your babies like that, its disgusting, i had an opair when we were litle ansd she was the same very rude, didnt play with us and was nasty to us i the end my mother jut tolder she had booked her a flight for thatnight and she was going
its a holiday for them

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