new aupair and problems already-help please

[Totallyfloaty35]

I have an Australian who has been with us just over 2weeks.
I have a problem with the way she speaks to my 2yr old.If dd3 touches her drink(bottled water)an says what this? Aupair says very loudly"ITS MINE,dont touch it,its mine actually" Aupair was putting her own shoes on while sitting on stairs ,dd picked one up to help her put it on(as we do for her) Aupair snapped its my shoe leave it alone.I very calmly said she is just trying to help and removed DD.
Elder dds complained that when they all went to park they couldnt play on anything as they ended up looking after toddler as Aupair sat on a bench and ignored them.Eldest eventually said to her to play with dd3,so she just stood next to the baby swing she was on til dd1 said "well push her then!"
I have said to her we dont speak to dd like that,we explain why she cant do something etc calmly.Aupair also kept telling DD3 she was silly,doing silly things,thats a stupid thing to do,so often that dd1 snapped at her to stop saying her baby sister was silly or she will get a complex.I think that shocked aupair an she hasnt called her silly since(was planning on telling her myself but in a nicer way than dd did).
She is not very pro active,i keep finding her in front of tv
she wont play with dd in garden on trampoline or even push her in toy car,i had to tell her to(i was trying to cook dinner)and she got off garden chair and played with dd3 for 30sec then sat down again.
Im a bit non plussed really,other people have commented on the way she talks as well,Do i give her notice or talk to her again?

Are you in London? Did you agree some sort of notice period with her when she arrived? I think maybe I'm having a grumpy day but three weeks sounds like a long time to have a sulky houseguest about. I certainly wouldn't give her any more than that.

Does she have any friends over here?

Gosh she sounds like she has no concept at all of 'work'!
Well done for taking the initiative and getting rid. Hope you find someone nice soon.

Agree with Harriet-I couldn't bear the 3 weeks.I think I would pay her the cash and suggest she moves sooner.

Alternatively,give her a list every day of things that she can do which don'tinvolve child or dog care?

She does know some people in London actually,friends of her parents i think.
Dh has already had words with her and he only met her yesterday,DD3 was eating desert and aupair sat at table with her own(she bought it herself)dd3 asked her what it was and she started saying its mine,its my desert,you have yours and this is mine.DH told her not to be so snappy,she wasn't about to be mugged for it and dd3 wanted to know what it was she was eating as she was telling everyone about how nice her cake was and what colour it was and being interested as small children are about everything .
Im so used to her strange defensive/possessive behaviour now i only tuned in when DH raised his voice a bit at her.
Strangely since we gave notice she has got better with her cleaning and tries to be nicer to the dogs/kids in my presence.Still caught her shoving dogs away from her but i can deal with that for a bit and she doesn't really come out of her room outside work hours now...but then you wouldn't if you had been asked to leave would you.

Totallyfloaty, you did the right thing. Must you give her 3 weeks' notice though? Sounds like hell to live with her for any longer.

I am paranoid, but be aware of sabotage if she is living under your roof. Lock up your cash, valuables and personal info. Remember to take the housekeys off her. Bar all 090 and long distance phone calls from your landline. I would not leave her alone with the dcs or dogs or alone in the house as far as feasibly possible.

I personally would prefer to give her money for a bedsit and see her out of there asap.

Personally I wouldn't trust her either. How soon can you get a replacement?

If I wasn't with a lovely family already I'd come help out! I hope that you find somebody soon!

Blueshoes makes a very very good point.

A bad decision I made with our first nanny was to let her stay on for a couple of extra weeks (she essentially worked part of her notice) rather than just paying her off for the month and ending it. Gave her plenty of time to rake us over the coals with the (thankfully few) mothers she chatted to.

I was going to suggest the bedsit option too, but then I don't know if she would be able to get a place w/o a gaurantor or something in this climate, unless she had a lot of cash handy up front. Others may know more.

She doesn't know anyone to slate us too,But she was heard on the phone by DD1 telling someone the baby really gets on her nerves, so she telling lots of people we dont know
However she is leaving next week now as DH just lost it with her.DD3 was in back of car aupair next to her in middle seat and dd2 near other window,full,hot carand a long day for a toddler.DD3 very over tired and throwing a wobbly,she wants to drive mummys car(dh let her sit up front while i in tesco)she also crying,now i admit 2yr olds can be pretty unreasonable,while crying she was saying no * sit next to me,no touch me,im sad now and then pushed at aupair(not hard as she cant reach properly from car seat )DH opened his mouth to tell dd3 to be calm,we home soon and it wasnt nice to push,but aupair was already yelling"dont push me,i didnt touch you,dont you dare hit me" DH said he was sorry she was pushed but how dare she shout in a toddlers face.
Have to say DH not impressed that she came out with us at all,he wanted to spend family time with us,not have an extra grumpy teen around snapping at everyone.
Anyway she started shouting at the baby at dinner too and DH just roared"I have had enough of the way you speak to my baby,do you have no sense,who screams at a baby,it doesnt teach them anything,pack your bags your leaving Monday"
So thats it now,she told me she reinstating her profile,so beware ladies.

totallyfloaty, I think temperamentally she should not do any work involving children at all. She is appalling, I am speechless. You have had the patience of a saint.

Why on earth would she want to go out with the family when she has already been terminated. And then to lose her rag in front/at a toddler/baby?? Totally unreasonable.

I am completely mystified how she got her (presumably good) references in the first place. Could she have faked them? Did the references involve childcare? If they did, I am almost tempted to call them back ...

Your dh is right to summarily dismiss her. I personally don't feel like paying her.

Harriet, on the bedsit issue, that is a valid point. Actually, come to think of it, she just needs to be able to find a flatshare. I know aupairs who managed to get flatshares in London from about £50 to £110 a week and a bar job that more than covered the cost.

I would not pay more than the cost of a ticket back home to Australia, if at all

Why did she go out with you guys? Was it because she was invited out of courtesy or did she invite herself? I leave my host family to it and if they nvite me then I go!

My host fam had an AP before me and she was a terror, hated kids, just made them food and done the basics and hid in her room the rest of the time and left the kids to it (they are very independant because of this experience!) When she posted a new profile on APWorld/whatever site they contacted the families who'd shown public interest in her to let them know what she was like and why she'd been fired!

No didnt invite her,but she said she was going to get the train to town so felt guilty and said would give her a lift in,then she would not go away,even when i said she could go off by herself an would text her when we leaving if she needed a lift.
Always feel rubbish when an aupair experience falls apart,feel like i failed,like i missed something and its hard work on the kids,they loved last aupair and one before that to.Also feel sad for Aupair as she far from home and although obviously she is deluded about her abilities to aupair she is still away from friends and family and as a mum to a teenager i know she must still be feeling pretty isolated, i would hate for my DD to have a bad experience,although if she was that awful with kids would have advised her to spend gap year doing something else.
I dont think aupair is type to steal,use phone endlessly etc,she just has really crappy manner and should probably be working in a store or something.If i see her profile activated(its not yet) then will post here and anyone worried they may have contacted her can cat me and i will tell you who she is.

I think you've really tried to be very understanding with this girl.

Not that it matters at this point but what I meant by telling you about our first nanny is to illustrate/back up Blueshoes' point re "sabotage." Our nanny wasn't live in so it took a different form.

If she doesn't go on Monday as planned, I would do the calls thing and also be careful with the other stuff anyway.

Interesting re the person who contacted the other interested families on APW. I didn't realise you could do that - I wonder if the au pairs do? I wonder if there are any legal implications of that?

As a NZer, please don't let your experience with her put you off us. Most of us are fairly easy going and used to looking after younger family and having animals around. But as a mum who's had nanny's for years while I've worked, you got a bad apple there. You did the right thing getting onto it quickly. Good luck with your next aupair.

I'm pretty sure it was APWorld, unsure though. One where when a family show public interest really, not sure how they did it though tbh! I remember my Mum sabotaging a website with the help of her PC geek brother after my parents rented it for a family holiday and paid stupid amounts for it and it ended up being in a really rough area of the Canaries and the apartment was delapidated (the photos on the website had been of this persons own apartment in a completely different area! O_O), so I suppose if you know what you are doing anything can be done!

I hate the APs and Nannies who give the rest of us a bad name gah

Pixinanny, I use APWorld and whilst I can see how many families have contacted the aupair, I don't think there is any way I can get the family details to contact them.

Maybe it is GreatAupair? There, families can post a complaint, violations against an aupair's profile.

Harriet, interesting about the legal implications of defamation.

I probably won't go so far as to post anything up on a website. But if someone were to contact me for a reference (!), I would either say very little, if I was being cautious and let them draw their own conclusions from that, OR just a vague statement that if I had to do it again, I would not have hired her, OR I would give very specific and concrete irrefutable examples of her behaviour, truth being a defence to any defamation claim.

I think its greataupair where you can post about bad experiences,dont think its possible on aupair world.
Aupair cried a lot today says she likes us and wants to stay,felt awful and dh cracked and said she can stay for 2 extra days only because kids are back at school/nursery and we are both home.Apparently she is waiting for a call from home to see if she is going home or to see her brother(he lives in Europe)Her mum trying to sort it out,looks like she may not go straight back to aupairing(advised her to try something else) so we shall see.

Could've been, APWorld is where they got me so I assumed that they used the same website! shrugs

And how can she like you if she treats the kids so badly :s

totallyfloaty, but stick to your guns.

You said she has relatives in London. You won't be flinging her out into the streets. She definitely should not be aupairing. I am surprised she is not self-aware enough to realise this without your pointing it out.

she has friends of her parents who live in London and a much older half brother who lives in Europe(her dads first marriage apparently).
Im a sucker when aupairs cry,i suppose you cant help thinking of your own child in that situation,but its def right that she goes and i feel relieved that i know longer have to keep telling her to calm down or not to throw a hissy when her shoes are handed to her by the baby.
We find out this eve where she going.
Thanks everyone for all your support,im off to baby music class now,DD3 most favourite thing

Ok,have had call and aupair has put me down as a reference on her job application was speechless but what do i say when the school calls to talk to me? are you allowed to say no comment?

I think you should tell the truth if they call. You could always mention any good points she had - punctual, organised, speaks great English? - but also say she didn't get on with the children and you asked her to leave.

She's applying for a school now? As willow said, tell them the truth or the no comment will work. If you didn't want to rant abut how great she was with you then there must be a reason why and though you canot give a bad reference refusing to give one makes people wonder.

As long as you've brought things up with her you can give a truthful reference. You can definitely say that she was dismissed and give the reasons why.

Put it this way - would you be happy having her employed in your DCs school? If she was and you later found out that she'd been an au pair and been dismissed for the above reasons how would you feel?

Quick legal alert.

1. You could be sued by her if you just said 'no comment' and gave no other details. caring for children is one of the very few exceptions where you are expected to give full references because if you don't then that person is more or less guaranteed to NOT get a job - she can then sue you for effectively scuppering her chances.
2. If you tell someone that they have to leave because you don't get on, or it isn't working, and then tell someone asking a reference that you gave her her notice because she was not good with children then you can also potentially be sued by her - basically you should never raise in a reference something that you haven't already raised with the person herself. If you have an issue with an aspect of someone else's work then you should make clear what that issue is and give the person the opportunity to correct it; and only if they don't then it is 100% ok to mention it. Otherwise they may have grounds to complain.

Saying that, I can't imagine an AP taking action against this (but then I can't imagine an AP putting you down as a reference given everything that happened either, so stranger things have happened)