new aupair and problems already-help please

[Totallyfloaty35]

I have an Australian who has been with us just over 2weeks.
I have a problem with the way she speaks to my 2yr old.If dd3 touches her drink(bottled water)an says what this? Aupair says very loudly"ITS MINE,dont touch it,its mine actually" Aupair was putting her own shoes on while sitting on stairs ,dd picked one up to help her put it on(as we do for her) Aupair snapped its my shoe leave it alone.I very calmly said she is just trying to help and removed DD.
Elder dds complained that when they all went to park they couldnt play on anything as they ended up looking after toddler as Aupair sat on a bench and ignored them.Eldest eventually said to her to play with dd3,so she just stood next to the baby swing she was on til dd1 said "well push her then!"
I have said to her we dont speak to dd like that,we explain why she cant do something etc calmly.Aupair also kept telling DD3 she was silly,doing silly things,thats a stupid thing to do,so often that dd1 snapped at her to stop saying her baby sister was silly or she will get a complex.I think that shocked aupair an she hasnt called her silly since(was planning on telling her myself but in a nicer way than dd did).
She is not very pro active,i keep finding her in front of tv
she wont play with dd in garden on trampoline or even push her in toy car,i had to tell her to(i was trying to cook dinner)and she got off garden chair and played with dd3 for 30sec then sat down again.
Im a bit non plussed really,other people have commented on the way she talks as well,Do i give her notice or talk to her again?

i am glad she is leaving - your children shouldnt be spoken to the way she spoke to them

regards to a ref, i would say that she only worked for you for xx weeks and you asked her to leave - sure from this other parents will work it out for their selves, and you havent had to say why iykwim

What is the point of references if you can't be honest and give a negative one?

Not everyone will assume there is something wrong with the applicant. They could turn it to the boss was annoyed I left so they are bad mouthing me...

Question Squiffy:

How would a childcarer know what was said in a reference? Do they have a right to find out or are references confidential? Does the prospective employer have to say that the application has been rejected due to an unsatisfactory ref? How do you prove whether an issue has been brought up and you've been given the opportunity to correct it or not?

When I was a nanny I was given all my references.

"Saying that, I can't imagine an AP taking action against this (but then I can't imagine an AP putting you down as a reference given everything that happened either, so stranger things have happened)"

Funnily enough, something similar happened to an old boss of mine. She had an au pair who among other things ignored phone calls from the nursery when the little girl she was supposed to be "on-call" for injured herself, and then lied to the mother afterwards accusing the nursery of lying, and took sleeping pills on nights she was alone looking after the little girl despite agreeing not to. The mother asked her to leave, paying her flight home, and it emerged she had all kinds of issues. A couple of weeks later another host family called for a reference. What did she imagine the mother would say?

Just skimmed thru this thread but this AP sounds a bit odd - not just awful with the children but obsessed with her own things and a bit unbalanced TBH. I would encourage her to return home.

its for a gap year assistant house mistress in a big private girls school,the girls are over 11yrs.I was told that you are not allowed to give a bad ref,hence my no comment question.She was told when asked to leave that we didnt like her tone with the children,the shouting was unacceptable and we didnt think she was suited to our family or any with young children or dogs also her cleaning was awful unless we literally stood behind her etc.
I think that was the reason she never applied to be an aupair again,DH did suggest she try getting a job in a theatre/store etc.
Thanks for the info,i will let the school Know that we asked her to leave etc.

As a nanny I have all my written refs but I have no idea what employers say when someone calls up to check! I'm fairly confident they're all nice about me but if I didn't get a job how would I know it was a negative reference? I'm guessing they wouldn't tell me, or would they?

It is completely untrue that you 'cannot give a bad reference' - but you do have to give a FAIR reference. You owe a duty of care to both the person seeking the reference and the employee (and both can sue you). But you can give a bad reference if someone has failed to address shortcomings.

You cannot however just say anything you like, using the 'honesty' argument, because if you raise things with the person asking the reference that you hadn't raised with the employee herself then she could argue that she never had the opportunity to improve. E.G. If you are a nanny and always take the kids to the park, then you would be mightily pissed off if in a reference someone said "she never once took my kids to the swimming pool".

The general exceptions are if you dismiss someone for gross misconduct or because of 'incapability' - in those circs it is obviously impossible to 'address' the issues within continuing employment. Incapility by the way covers things like losing a driving licence if you are a bus driver, stuff like that.

People can ask to see their references, but many employers do refuse. However, if someone has good reason to think they got a bad reference then they can ask a court to force it to be handed over.

so moral of story is to treat ANYONE that you pay as you would expect to be treated yourself by your own employers - proper contracts, scrupulous recording of holidays and sickness, regular reviews, appraisals, check the law and follow disciplinary/dismissal processes professionally. It IS a huge hassle but that's the reposnsibility you have as an enmployer. It is what we expect from our bosses and we shouldn't expect our au pairs/nannies to get less of a service (but I agree, tis a bloody huge hassle)