Am beginning to hate my Au-pair

[dizzydo]

Just typed this in once but cant find it anywhere so am doing it again. Apologies if it's on twice.

Wide awake at 2pm. Anyone else out there??

Our AP has been with us for 13 months and has another three months to go. She is beginning to drive me and DH nuts. She is terribly opinionated - every conversation (even if she is not included in it initially ) ends up with "in my country.."

Anyway, have noticed over last week or so she has become more and more sulky and so finally confronted her to find out what was wrong.

The bottom line was that she reckons we dont include her as part of the family at the weekends. She says that at the weekend we never invite her to eat with us. I was totally gobsmacked at this as we do always include her if we know she is in. I told her that I would never knowingly do that and she basically said she didnt believe me. I asked her why she didn't come down and let us know she was there if we were cooking and had not called her/invited her down. She is not usually so bothered about making her presence felt (didn't say that bit!). Afterwards I realised when it had sunk in that what she was talking about was lunchtimes. We hardly ever eat lunch at the weekends (particularly Saturdays) because we prefer to have a late breakfast go out and then have an early tea quite often out somewhere. I found myself cooking lunch today purely for her benefit and then REALLY resenting it. It also made it very late for us to go out.

She also said that she should only have to do the childrens ironing and not ours. I reminded her that she is not a nanny she is an aupair and as such an extra pair of hands to muck in with whatever is required. Before she joined us we gave her a schedule of what we expected (ironing WAS on it) all of which she agreed to. She does do a good job with the children but is not good at tiyding up generally NEVER picks things up that I leave at the bottom of the stairs to go up or tidies the childrens bedroom.

We pay her £65pw plus £5 per hour for any extra hours on top. In school holidays we pay an extra £15 per day for 9-5 (£140 a week which I think is a lot). We also pay her an extra £15 every other week for 2 hours cleaning of our room which she said was not enough time. That is ridiculous as it is a loft room and bathroom!

Am I being totally unreasonable or is she? BTW she is 27 and possibly just too old for this type of role.

What does Mumsnet think?

Sounds like you have had a terrible time major stress with Au pairs. She sounded dreadful epecially with the missing/broken stuff.

I have three possible Au Pair candidates lined up for when mine leaves and hoping to have an handover with the Old Au pair. I'm being really cautions but it really is a hard decision all very similar

1st Macedonia - has worked with pre schoolers, good education, and is willing to do all duties in list and has good English.

2nd from Canada - been Summer AP before, very young, seems keen but I detect some dislike to babysitting ( I think this one is out of the frame)

3rd Cezech - oldest at 24 finished her education from a big family, speaks fluent English no working experience of children except for babysitting but very willing,
can relate to big family situation.

I think on this occassion I may include some basic house rules but it sounds harsh on paper, I usually discuss this in casual manner when situation arise. How does anyone do this?

Celtic66 - what is on your list?

My nanny is currently driving me round the twist. Some of you may know she got married just over two months ago and is pregnant and before anyone starts having a go - I do not have a problem with this. She was off sick for two weeks - fair enough. We had a meeting with her before she came back to establish that she was fit to resume her duties - more for her own sake than ours - as we had someone lined up to step into the breach.

She said she would give it a week and let us know how she was. Every morning and evening during that first week I asked her how she was and every answer was "fine". I thought it would be an idea if she gave me a little written account at the end of the week as to how she coped and whether she was able to manage.

May I add that during that week I just left her a few chores to do so that she wouldn't wear herself out and told her to make sure she took rest breaks. Well at the end of the week I got a a litany as to what she did and listed every chore - most of which I didn't expect or ask her to do. At all times I have told her that I don't mind doing what she can't but she keeps doing it. I felt that she thought I was questioning her!

I totally agree with ironing - in that not everything in the house needs ironing - but again she insists on ironing everything.

But how do I get this across to her when she won't listen.

Her pregnancy was unexpected so she hasn't been happy about that but knows that she can't change things now. The other thing is she is moping around the house all the time. I have told her that when the children are there she has to make some effort to be cheerful as I don't think it is good for them - in fact I don't think it is good for her either.

Has anyone got any suggestions as to how I can

(a)
get her to listen and do only things I ask her to do - which are for her benefit and the benefit of her unborn baby

(b)
motivate her into putting a bit of a pep in her step when the kids are around and to do some activities with them

Even my youngest keeps asking if "x will be in today" and when I ask her she replies "cos she is always sick".

Yes I know she is suffering from Morning Sickness but how many thousands of women suffer from this and just get on with it - I don't mean to sound harsh! I have actually spoken to loads of people who have suffered who were holding full time jobs and they have commented that they just had to get on with it.

Celtic66-the one behind door #1 sounds best so far. Have you finished looking? The one I actually took on rang 1.5 hours before the last one I had scheduled to see after 4 days of interviewing (time was up then)-she easily blew all the rest away in every respect. I now can't believe that before I saw her, I was willing to accept 2 of the other 4 I had interviewed face to face-they didn't fulfil many of my criteria, but as I said, time was up if I wanted an overlap with my parents who were doing the school and nursery runs.

mishmash- I have every sympathy with pregnancy sickness, I had a horrible time right the way through my first one. Mostly it only lasts a few weeks, I am told. I was unable to move around much, to bend or to get down on the floor, without throwing up, and once it started I couldn't stop. There was no way I could have looked after kids actively, luckily my boss could let me do lots of admin and paperwork-that's not an option for her and you. It sounds to me like she can manage ironing and probably likes it, it's pretty easy and soothing to some. I think maybe you could work out a numbered prioritized list of the minimum jobs you would be satisfied with in your nanny, and go over it with her to make it clear that you are not trying to criticize her, but to find a good compromise. If you want her to do other jobs more, you will have to put them at the top of the list and ask her to please tick them off in order when she has done them, and tell her she doesn't have to get right to the bottom if she can't manage it some days. Put ironing and anything else you have noticed she still does willingly at the bottom of the priorities (or reduce or farm it out for a while; Shop around, that ironing is costing you a lot in several ways!!!), . How about giving her one or two new habitual outings if possible, like telling her she has to take them out on certain specific days to something you have "just discovered"? Then it won't matter much whether she does it grumpily or cheerfully, the kids will be happy and this might help distract her from her misery too (don't tell her this, it might be too irritating, but she might notice by herself that it helps) i.e. to the park on Monday and Weds, to the library on Thurs for their storytime or whatever. Even a friend's house for a weekly playdate-maybe you can blame it on some other mum you are in cahoots with. My new nanny was shown on day one by me how to go to the local pool with 2 year old for parent toddler session then we walked directly to school in time for pick-up. Also mine has been told not to do housework apart from picking up while in charge of the kids (I saw the light). (the only thing that helped me a bit with the sickness was, bizarrely, chewing gum!)

List as follows:

Put house alarm on and close windows when leaving the house.

top up the fuel used on the car at the end of the week and not to return in on empty ( car for personal use)

Hoover, washing machines all appliances please use with care. Any breakages - please let tell me so I can replace it or get it fixed.

friends are very welcome when we at work or out - Please introduce us to new friends beforehand.

We prefer Au pair to eat early evening, with myself and children during the week when on duty, I try to cook meals every one likes - suggestions welcome.( it really irritates when AP'S say ' I will only eat with you depending on what it is, then raid the fridge)

Weekends If AP chooses to eat with us, help tiding up with myself and the children is appreciated. ( this one really annoys me, Our current AP always appears for roast dinners and puddings, but never lifts a finger after)

Any special events and exams; put the date on the calender to give us lots of notice.

There are other things i mention is telephone and not using up the credits on cell phone that I put on ( for emergencies) Ap usually tops up for personal use.

i think your nanny may need a bit of morale boost tell her the things she does well,(activities she did prior to pregnancy). Insist she takes the kids for an outing afterschool e.g picnic in the park = less stress for her + change of scene.

To start with you could remove items that don't need ironing then she may get the meaasge and use her time more effectively- i do this with our AP otherwise she would still be ironing when i arrive home.

As for morning sickness - yes I agree she does have to get on with it. I had it bad with the twins but tried to be discrete about being sick at work but I didn't work at my best ability - my toddler did a good impression of me throwing up!

Thank you ladies - all suggestions welcomed and good ones too. I want to be fair and sympathetic but the childrens welfare is also a priority.

Actually passed by the park earlier and was going to suggest that and also the library. She was always great at this sort of thing.

In fairness we always try and leave the house has clean and as tidy as possible. This morning just gave her a few small things to do including the childrens ironing but I think we need to have another little chat.

Majorstress - not quite finished yet a few more possibilities have surfaced amongst my e-mails, but i must draw i line under it soon, as AP leaving date is get closer. One Ap (nothing dynamic) asked for between 200-300 Euros a week. I asked her if it was a typing error? she never replied.

Yes I think 1. seems good so far, i have never had an AP from Macedonia before and she will need a visa and will not, (I think )have free English classes- I will need to discuss this.

uh-oh watch out for the visa snafu!!! If she says anything wrong on the application or at the interview if there is one, for example indicates she might want to settle down here for good one day, they might refuse-they are all on alert to keep people out as immigration is an election issue. It takes time to get visas too, at least weeks I am told. Maybe you should accept her now dependent on visas and good references, so the paperwork can get underway-you can keep looking (she will too don't worry) and you then have some others to turn to if something goes wrong on the visa front (or any other front) in the meantime. The majority of people do not seem take this seriously as a job and if she gets a better offer she might just disappear. Many have done that with me.

Thanks Majorstress - Never thought about this.

The anti-visa climate in non-EU embassies wrecked my first choice AP back in October and left me really stuck, and that led to me panicking and taking on my useless one. They turned down a qualified English teacher who translates for US oil companies in Kazakhstan-I'm still in touch with her actually, we struck up a real relationship somehow. They said she was an economic migrant posing as someone who wants to perfect her accent. I had already paid for a full-on English course at a very good school for her, and she has a job to go back to and a much-loved widowed Mum with a shop who expects her back in one year to help-but no. Now her company is going to arrange it for her, but she has to go where they send her. She wanted to stay with an English-speaking family in London rather than a student hostel.

yes - I don't think I will be too hasty turning down the the other applicants especially when considering the visa situation.

I think I will just keep my options open - although there doesn't seem to be much out there at the moment except lots of inexperienced nothing really to offer, but wants loads of cash, and stern looking strict 45 year old 'scary lady'( remark made by 5 year old when photo was enlarged on the computer) and lots of couples - handyman and Au- Pair, goodness know where i'd put them or afford to keep them...the search goes on

Well, to be frank, Majorstress, I'd have queried why someone as well qualified as your Kazakh and with such good English that she did translating work wanted to come to UK as an au pair (I used to do immigration work - very briefly ). I have no idea what the rules are on au pairs at the moment - eg where they can come from and the age range (used to be 17-27 I think). Maybe the Home Office website can help, so that a potential au pair doesn't get kicked back on simply being too old or from a country that's not on the au pair list?

To satisfy my nosiness, I've had a quick look at the Home Office website and Kazakh nationals are not allowed to come to the UK as au pairs. But Macedonians are (wasn't someone thinking of getting a Macedonian au pair?).

Hi Tanzie, She wasn't actually coming to work as an au pair but as a student to live with us for free in exchange for babysitting for pocket money (this is allowed up to a modest limit and if they do a lot of hours of classes at a recognised college). We didn't need much help at that point, and it was all perfectly legit, but they rejected her on the grounds that they didn't believe her and classed her as an economic migrant with no intention to return home, but that wasn't actually true. The English school told me that they have had extraordinary difficulty suddenly cropping up in the past year at the visa stage for non-EU nationals, no matter how legit the prospective students are. She was also told, illegally, that if she tried to appeal as is her right, the embassy would make sure that she never got a visa, ever. So, we think the coming election was to blame.

What a mess... Think I'll stick to EU citizens for my hunt.

I think that is wise. Though the Canadians Aussies and Kiwis (I pursued many of those) can come in without too much bother, most seem to be pretty serious nannies (i.e want a big wage AND to eat you out of house and home as well) or are very young-though maybe that is an advantage in some ways. You seem to get more serious people from eastern europe or other places, who are motivated to learn a language (lots of English teachers really NEED this experience professionally) and at the same time can earn some money, with any luck. Those who can already speak well enough (in their own opinion) have another agenda- to do things like singing or sports (or boyfriend) in their spare time, which may or may in not fit in with your needs. And then there are the dossers from any country, whose parents are trying to lever them out of their nests-I had one of those!

Yes - the whole visa situation is a bit off putting, However, I have discussed this with the girl from Macedonia and said a job offer would be pending sucessful visa. She seems to think that the application is granted within days? (I think i will have to check this out) she appears to be clued up said she has researched the requirements ect.

So far she is a likely candidate, and seems keen, asks good relevant questions and is clear about duties, and her expectations seem to be realistic ( on paper anyway, could be clear as mud in her mind). but I have been here before!!

I thinks I need to do a bit of research to find out more about Macedonia - only really know a bit political stuff. BTW - thanks for visa info.

Anyone had an AP from Macedonia ? - sorry for going off the trail a bit.

I was trying to get a Bulgarian au pair at the beginning of this year. Unfortunately, her visa was denied on suspicion of immigrant intent.

I wrote to my MP about it, and have recently had a reply from the Home Office minister. They actually did look at her file at the consulate in Sofia and they said that she said she would definitely be returning to Bulgaria after the year because her employer was giving her a leave of absence in order to perfect her English - and with perfect English she would more than double her salary (this is a credible situation). Unfortunately, this was all word of mouth - she didn't take a letter from her employer confirming this. With just her word for it, the consulate could not accept this evidence and assumed the worst.

I'm quite cross at the au pair agency - they should have coached her on how to get a visa as it's not totally common sense to those who have no knowledge or experience of immigration rules. I feel that I could have done a better job myself given that I do know a lot about UK immigration (have a foreign hubby).

I would say to anyone who wants to get an au pair that requires a visa to not be afraid of the process, but just to make sure that the girl will satisfy immigration rules before offering her a job. Put yourself in the shoes of the Entry Clearance Officer, basically - and expect written evidence where necessary.

Immigration grilled my mum when she came over from the US last month-she stupidly said she was going to babysit her grandchildren for a month-instead of just on holiday. Got the third degree-what was I going to do when she left? She mispronounced au pair and they pounced on that and went on and on.
What is ironic is that she was actually born here and left in 1961, and as such is a British subject, just hasn't maintained both passports. She didn't know to mention that either, or bring the old one. It's very confusing and they are getting more and more horrible-Orwellian

she went back on monday and got a blood clot in her brain on the flight-paralysed on one side for over 5 hours over the atlantic- luckily it cleared but now having lots of tests at home, this is my fault-or is it more fuel for my hatred of my ex-AP, which is what induced me to bring her over and work her too hard in the first place????

Oh MajorStress your poor Mum, neither of you deserve that. Hope the tests go OK.