Am beginning to hate my Au-pair

[dizzydo]

Just typed this in once but cant find it anywhere so am doing it again. Apologies if it's on twice.

Wide awake at 2pm. Anyone else out there??

Our AP has been with us for 13 months and has another three months to go. She is beginning to drive me and DH nuts. She is terribly opinionated - every conversation (even if she is not included in it initially ) ends up with "in my country.."

Anyway, have noticed over last week or so she has become more and more sulky and so finally confronted her to find out what was wrong.

The bottom line was that she reckons we dont include her as part of the family at the weekends. She says that at the weekend we never invite her to eat with us. I was totally gobsmacked at this as we do always include her if we know she is in. I told her that I would never knowingly do that and she basically said she didnt believe me. I asked her why she didn't come down and let us know she was there if we were cooking and had not called her/invited her down. She is not usually so bothered about making her presence felt (didn't say that bit!). Afterwards I realised when it had sunk in that what she was talking about was lunchtimes. We hardly ever eat lunch at the weekends (particularly Saturdays) because we prefer to have a late breakfast go out and then have an early tea quite often out somewhere. I found myself cooking lunch today purely for her benefit and then REALLY resenting it. It also made it very late for us to go out.

She also said that she should only have to do the childrens ironing and not ours. I reminded her that she is not a nanny she is an aupair and as such an extra pair of hands to muck in with whatever is required. Before she joined us we gave her a schedule of what we expected (ironing WAS on it) all of which she agreed to. She does do a good job with the children but is not good at tiyding up generally NEVER picks things up that I leave at the bottom of the stairs to go up or tidies the childrens bedroom.

We pay her £65pw plus £5 per hour for any extra hours on top. In school holidays we pay an extra £15 per day for 9-5 (£140 a week which I think is a lot). We also pay her an extra £15 every other week for 2 hours cleaning of our room which she said was not enough time. That is ridiculous as it is a loft room and bathroom!

Am I being totally unreasonable or is she? BTW she is 27 and possibly just too old for this type of role.

What does Mumsnet think?

beetroot- I'm just thinking about my approach in recruiting a New AP. I have alway descibed our house as hectic, 4 young children..mum works partime.. and it always sounds worse than it really is.I find it a 'marketing challenge' I guess you have large family. How did you find yours?

I work in a nursery, have been a childminder and often have 4+ children. Your house doesn't sound a difficult job. I agree you do need to confront her though because these situations rarely get better without discussion.

yes Yes! In answer to those who have mentioned it, in my list of tasks for the Au-Pair I say that she should supervise the tidying of their rooms WITH THEM. However, I am sure that I am not alone when I say my children wont do it unless made to.I have said she must get them up to the room after school and when they are getting ready for the bath and GET THEM to put things in the dirty wash or the wardrobe. However AP just avoids the issue and leaves the clothes everywhere and does not confront the girls about it. Just goes for the easy option and leaves it where it lands. I CANT be ALONE surely in having untidy kids. Totally agree AP should not be a slave. And believe me mine is NOT!

Ok sounds like Au Pair needs lessons on how to manage children if she can't manage simple tasks.

Ameriscot - I LOL about the Mums that were ALWAYS cooler than your own. So true. Having said that totally also agree with you about the AP thinking everything she is given is her absolute right. I just feel the whole time her attitude is that she is doing us such a big favour.

I think Beetroot you are right and perhaps I should get someone in to do the bulk of the housework (have to say wouldnt DARE ask my AP to hoover the house daily as someone does - once a week is bad enough). tHINK i try this and have the "talk" and if she is still not happy we will have to part company.

Thank you so much to everyone for all that useful help. Keep them coming if anything else occurs.

At least I dont feel so alone now.

I would definitely consider replacing the au pair before getting a cleaner in to supplement her.

There are plenty of au pairs who are more than happy to clean.

Yeah, Beetroot - that's why I think that it's best to go for shorter au pair placements.

I feel that the best girl for your au pair is one that is smart and going places (gap year students, basically), but this kind of girl is going to get bored rather quickly. By keeping your au pair placements to 3-4 months, you always have someone on top form.

Ameriscot. I think that is very sound advice. If I look back AP was much more accommodating in the early days. I am always very quick to praise my AP' s and tell them what a great job they are doing and I think she has just got above herself. If she had left after s ix months it probably wouldnt have gone sour. Do you think it's disruptive on the children tho (less so than when they are older I know)?

I had the most fantastic au pair that left 3 weeks ago. We didn't tell the children until a couple of days before, and they just accepted it. Our new one isn't quite as playful with them, but they seem happy enough.

The au pair affects our 8 and 5 year old, mostly.

I think kids are fairly adaptable to change.

Dizzydo - get a new AP. Make it clear that you want someone to do the bulk of the housework and supervise the children - they take the job on that basis.

We also tell AP that we are not running a free holiday scheme and on the weekends (her days off) if she can see that something needs to be done - like emptying the dishwasher - we expect her to do it, and muck in like the rest of us.

Kids are very resillient and even if they miss the old AP, they will soon get to like the new AP, and everything is back to normal.

We have had au-pairs on and off for the past 8 years. The first thing I say when recruiting is that if you don't like housework and cleaning this is not the place for you. We have very little childcare (1 child aged 8) I do most of the school runs, so the au-pair is here to do 90% of the housework and ironing - what else are they gonna do for 25 hours a week?

Exactly, Goldieoldie. As a SAHM, I'm not going to clean the house myself while my au pair gets all the fun.

Goldenoldie, You've just about summed it up. I am not being unreasonable am I? I realise that this is really exactly the way I feel and am very angry that have been made to feel by AP so guilty about it. LOL about the free holiday scheme - at the weekend our AP leaves her dishes on the side if the dishwasher is full rather than unload it.
She does seem to think we like her living 24/7 in our house for nothing!

By the way - we only pay £55 a week (+ bus pass) and we live close to central London. This is considered a good/fair rate - so your AP has a very good deal!

Au pairs in central London are really lucky. Our first au pair went to London every weekend at first (from Staines), so that worked out at about £8 - 10 for her train fare, and then London prices for food.

London au pairs can also have a midweek social life.

I certainly don't think that London families should have to pay a premium for their au pairs.

Blimey, where does that leave SAHMs?

My au pair does both childcare and cleaning. She's not as good at cleaning as me, but at least she does it (unlike me ...). And as for childcare, a walk to and from school - hardly rocket science!

For au pairs, you are expected to be around, mostly. Save a few lunch engagements...