Am beginning to hate my Au-pair

[dizzydo]

Just typed this in once but cant find it anywhere so am doing it again. Apologies if it's on twice.

Wide awake at 2pm. Anyone else out there??

Our AP has been with us for 13 months and has another three months to go. She is beginning to drive me and DH nuts. She is terribly opinionated - every conversation (even if she is not included in it initially ) ends up with "in my country.."

Anyway, have noticed over last week or so she has become more and more sulky and so finally confronted her to find out what was wrong.

The bottom line was that she reckons we dont include her as part of the family at the weekends. She says that at the weekend we never invite her to eat with us. I was totally gobsmacked at this as we do always include her if we know she is in. I told her that I would never knowingly do that and she basically said she didnt believe me. I asked her why she didn't come down and let us know she was there if we were cooking and had not called her/invited her down. She is not usually so bothered about making her presence felt (didn't say that bit!). Afterwards I realised when it had sunk in that what she was talking about was lunchtimes. We hardly ever eat lunch at the weekends (particularly Saturdays) because we prefer to have a late breakfast go out and then have an early tea quite often out somewhere. I found myself cooking lunch today purely for her benefit and then REALLY resenting it. It also made it very late for us to go out.

She also said that she should only have to do the childrens ironing and not ours. I reminded her that she is not a nanny she is an aupair and as such an extra pair of hands to muck in with whatever is required. Before she joined us we gave her a schedule of what we expected (ironing WAS on it) all of which she agreed to. She does do a good job with the children but is not good at tiyding up generally NEVER picks things up that I leave at the bottom of the stairs to go up or tidies the childrens bedroom.

We pay her £65pw plus £5 per hour for any extra hours on top. In school holidays we pay an extra £15 per day for 9-5 (£140 a week which I think is a lot). We also pay her an extra £15 every other week for 2 hours cleaning of our room which she said was not enough time. That is ridiculous as it is a loft room and bathroom!

Am I being totally unreasonable or is she? BTW she is 27 and possibly just too old for this type of role.

What does Mumsnet think?

So- au pairs- there are too many out there and many are duds- finding one and then selecting is VERY hard work, agencies didn't help me much, just sent me more no-hopers to screen out myself(wrong time of year, March April). Many cannot understand the requirements of your advertisement or job description no matter how you word it. Most do not answer their telephones, mesages, texts or emails, even in reply to the one they sent to me. Many think that they are in fact nannies, because they babysat their cousin once. And you also have to recruit someone bearable, who won't kill your kids or you, while simultaneously holding down your job, doing all the housework and minding the bored ignored kids screaming and pulling on your clothes-SO BE CAREFUL, dizzydo. Don't ditch her until you've got plan B sorted is all I can suggest-but it will be difficult to sort out someone while she is still there without her upping sticks I'd think. I definitely from now on will go for a set length of contract of about 6 months. Then if we all love one another they can stay on. I feel like this search for a person to help me has been 99% futile, consumed all my time and energy for months and in the end pretty much ruined my life and marriage, made me into a nasty hateful person to all of my own family as I instead use up all my patience on silly immature people I don't know, and the saga is still ongoing. I don't want to look for an employee as a hobby! I want to HAVE a hobby, or at least do something that I LIKE occasionally. And with this sort of "help", I can't.

Uwila she starts tomorrow at 7 am. This is really good news, but I AM a bit residually fed up, DH just keeps disappearing out to climbing apparently on the grounds that my parents are here so he isn;t needed, I am worn out from interviewing - each girl stayed over an hour and a half- wouldn't take hints to go-and rather than physically lift them off the chair and throw them bodily out, I thought oh well they do need to observe us, to know if they can stand it too! I am very cheesed off about the one who I took annual leave yesterday to see and because of whom I got saddled with dd2 as well for logistical reasons, but she didn't show, followed by miss flounce who got huffy because I was interviewing someone else before her (?!), - and I got cross with my mum, who kept berating me about being rude by letting flouncy see the previous one-but my mum was totally useless, she and my father are here to help but have forgotten how to notice there's no dinner and I am interviewing someone to look after their small and only grandchildren on sole charge-kind of important!-and THEY could throw something together, or take toddler to garden so mum can hear interviewee down the phone, or see something needs doing and just DO it--like having Inertia my au pair back!!!not quite

Majorstress how horrible. You really are having a rough time of it. What a clear illustration too of how much us Mums DO to keep EVERYTHING running smoothly, seemingly unnoticed until it all goes wrong and we lose it and then everyone is surprised we're rude or bad tempered. No wonder you feel the way you do.

I must say having read your experience I will try and put a "patch" on my situation until June. I definitely think it is true that six months is probably the optimum time and looking back I think that has been true for most of my AP's(all of whom, bar one, have stayed one year plus).

Keep your chin up Majorstress hopefully things will get better now. Hope your back improves soon there is nothing worse than being in pain.

Getting a good au pair can be a big hassle and even if you are doing everything right to make sure you are getting someone who will fit well within your family it is still possible to make huge errors! I think it is just a risk associated with the reward but can be minimized by using good agencies. I was trying to find an au pair on my own on the internet and selected two au pairs which turned out to be a nightmare. One of them smoked even though she knew we were looking for a non smoker- the other would do things like leaving the iron on in the kitchen and going to her room to have lunch!!! In terms of attitude and general character traits they just weren't suitable for us so when this became clear I immediatelyt let them go. For me, it is unbearable to have someone which we don't like/who doesn't like us around the house. I don't think any family should give in to the unreasonable demands of au pairs and/or put up with their attitude. They are guests in our houses as well as being helping hands- either way they need to be polite and respectful, and of course can expect the same.

Choose an agency who listens to your needs- my agency has sent me CVs which fit perfectly with our requirements and I was spoilt for choice. The agency didn't send me dozens of CVs, just a few carefully selected ones.

Also remember that eastern european au pairs can be a bit jealous/resentful of the west or rich families etc. because they may be coming from very simple/poor backgrounds. This is why you get a lot of sentences starting with "in my country". These kinds of girls will not be grateful for whatever hospitality you are showing them because they just despise the fact that you are living in conditions she/her family can never afford or dream of affording. There is still no social/economic balance in these countries and some people will never have the chance to work and make life better for themselves even if they work hard or study hard. Finding a job is difficult, it maybe that in the UK they are making more money in a week than their fathers are making in a month. However one does not need to put up with these! After all you are getting these au pairs to make life easier for you. We do the best we can for them to learn English and a foreign culture so that when they go back to their countries it will make a difference for them.

I agree that between 6 months to a year is a max term for an au pair- especially the good ones because they are probably clever and ambitious anyway and can't stick around for too long.

Completely agree with your comments about rich west vs poor east. We definitely had those issues. My au pair loathed the dishwasher - thought it was a total waste and refused to load it properly - although she did rather like the dryer once she discovered it. Once things started to head south with that au pair, she really started to show how resentful she was about our "wealth" (if only she understood) and abused our telephone, wasted food, left lights on etc.

Now, I'm going through a phase of getting western au pairs - much easier, I've found.

My au pair was actually quite spoiled by her divorced parents. I think they were using her to fight! They sounded hard working, but certainly owned nice houses with gardens and a summer house too. She recommended from experience "in my country": new tv with built in dvd and subtitles (dh bought for her); new radio and CD player(ditto); wireless mouse for our PC that she used a lot(ditto) and needed lots of help installing her new and very expensive digital camera software; for me laser eye surgery !!!(funny, DH did not buy that!) lol. SO she was slumming it with us.

THE GOOD POINTS:
au pairs are: cheap (sort of!!!!) easier to get to help at short notice, plentiful, usually expect to do at least light (more like gossamer!) housework; what else? (Mine cost me a bomb actually in food and wheedling me out of money whenever I felt too tired out to argue. Also shouldn;t be trusted with toddler).

a live out nanny is: able to care for a toddler, expensive, experienced, doesn't need feeding or housing, does language classes or whatever in her own time not yours; might refuse to do housework but I think the arrangement has a more "professional" feel-if it's in the contract you probably won't get "but slobetka next door doesn't have to do x and gets paid y" whining. Also if you are paying £6 to £7 an hour, and they balk, you can say fine, end of story, and take away some of their hours to pay a proper cleaner. I don't want any additional complaining parties in my universe! I get enough of that from my family and work. I can't do much housework with 2 littlies running round myself TBH, so now I only expect them to do it when the kids are out at nursery.

majorstress, I'm sorry you've had major stress, but I must say, your posts are funny!they made me laugh - so keep your chin up!
good luck to you, hope you have found the slobetka of your dreams

oh lookey... this thread is on the home page.

Have to say the best au-apairs we have had all had three things in common: Experience as an au-pair, good English, and previously lived in the UK.

They had all been au-pairs before -IN THE WEST, not just looked after their younger cousins now and again in Solvbaklov - or wherever.

They all spoke good English, i.e. they could hold a conversation and respond appropriately, at normal speed, without constant quizzical looks, or just continually nodding instead of speaking becuse they don't understand what is being said.

Another good test is leaving a written shopping list - standard things - washing-up-liquid, dishwasher tablets, loaf of sliced wholemeal bread, milk and so on so on. Don't discuss it before-hand and just wait and see what returns.

All the good au-pairs were able to bring back the correct shopping because even when they were not sure about something their English was good enough for them to ask a member of staff for help. The worst ones were those that came back with half the shopping and no money - cause they had bought a load of food they liked the look of...............salami all round then........

Those that had lived in the UK or the US before were a dream - they knew how the bus/tube/train system worked or were not afraid to find out. Did not have to hold their hand and explain the complexities of London Transport. They could take kids out to cinema/theatre/museum, no problem at all. They were also able to use 'normal' household appliances - dishwaher, microwave, dryer.

This is very important - nearly had the house burnt down by one au-pair (who had not been in the west before) who decided to warm a bit of cake in the microwave for 3 minutes instead of 30 seconds - said cake burst into flames - inside of microwave completely blackened.

Also found au-pairs are very hard on appliances. We go through at least one hoover a year - sometimes two - hose bits are often snapped off?.........Irons last slightly longer, but not much, and yes, unless you tell them, they do leave them on and go and do something else in another part of the house. Plates, cups, bowls dissapear at an alarming rate - they never say when something is broken - I just work it out by a process of deduction, if it's not in the cupboard, dishwasher, or on the kitchen table - it's been broken.

Anyone else have high rates of au-pair wear and tear on their homes?

I'm still relatively new at the au pair game, but I am now favouring young au pairs who have a good future - basically girls on their gap year. Definitely from the west. Communication skills are so important.

My first au pair didn't speak English, and I didn't think this would be a problem because, after all, the whole point of becoming an au pair is to learn English. But I should have been suspicious at no English - what did they do at school? This girl stayed with us five months and made very little improvement on nothing, sadly.

It is so stressful on many levels when you can't communicate effectively -not going back there. I'd be happy to take on an au pair with moderate English skills, such as GCSE MFL level. I'd have no problem with a French girl with this kind of English, as I'd at least be able to fill in in French until her standard improves.

The downside of having good English (yes, there is one) is that the girls don't want to go to language classes, so they can easily become unfocussed and bored.

Been following the thread and AP's are never perfect. They really do just fill the gap when we are over stretched. It is true to say that house hold management boils down to us mums and if we are not on top of ,it it all falls down. Good example. I have lunch out ONCE a week this is my treat and luxury ( my kids come home from school for lunch everyday). Just about to start eating and phone rings, thought it was work but it was tear ful DS aged 7 who had been picked on on bus on way home. I am his mum so who is he going to call? Managed to comfort him on phone and he was fine.
My AP is brilliant at housework and washing and she loves to iron I even found her ironing bed sheets????
But kids stuff she is not so good at. Basically you can't have it all its about choices. YOu have to find someone who does waht you need them to do.
I am lucky I am around when kids need me but life was too stressful working part time and doing house stuff. AP takes over chores, I work and have quality time with kids (I think). No money at end of month but sanity.
Also am on 2nd washing machine and had to recently buy new blender!!! What do they do? Also there are never any bowls in our cupboard, recently found a stash under AP's bed. I think she eats ice cream in secret at night!!! And she manages to go through washing powder at a speedy rate!!!

Agree about appliances!!
One of our AP's wrecked the dryer buy turning the "on" dial the wrong way!!!!!!!! Had to buy a new one because it was about seven years old and no spare parts avail.

LOL about crockery Goldenoldie. Also tuppaware ALWAYS ends up in the bin, don't know why they just see it as disposable.

PMSL at GoldenOldie's descriptions of au-pair situations. So familiar!

Goldenoldie- you seem to have lots of experience with au pairs... Well I can say so far so good (after 2 years of non-stop au pairs, 2 girls at a time) all the applicances are in working condition and nothing is missing. Only the one AP which was not very clever (left the iron on etc.) left a few minor damages but no big deal. Disrespectful, unconsiderate, unfriendly and malicious people will never be welcome in our house. One AP almost put my dd to sleep in a damp sleeping bag, knowing it was damp. I caught this by chance... and was very upset. I asked her if she would do this to her own daughter and she said "no", after big long buts, and ifs and this and that. There are honest mistakes which I can accept but this kind of mistake?! She was shown the door the same day.

None of my au pairs had ever been in the UK before- most of them flew for the first time in their lifes. Some hadn't seen the internet! BUT they were good girls and they learn sooo quickly, within a matter of hours/days. Because my new au pairs came in before the old ones left we always had a 3-4 week handover/training period where the existing au pair would train the new au pairs so after the first set I virtually didn't need to explain anything!

One thing I find is how much we spend on the food, naturally, but that is OK because food is the least we can provide so I get the best for everyone. However I don't buy ready stuff (pizza, chicken kiev, chips, canned soups, etc.) because we don't eat these at home anyway. So cooking needs to be learnt and has been by all the girls. So in a way I am giving something other than money and a bed. They learn how to set tables nicely, cooking, house design, flower arrangements etc. I do most of these anyway but after they get the hang of it they start taking over with pleasure.

I must say the good au pairs we have had (had 5 so far) were great and the bad ones (2) I couldn't live another day with so they had to go. I think it is important to get someone who I can make/keep happy so I try to choose girls who come from more rural areas so that they are not disappointed when they see our little town. (We do take them to bigger cities on weekends or they go by train) I make sure I choose girls who are happy to live in a big house with lots of new modern things (computers/telephones in their rooms/ensuites/washing machines/driers etc.. )
Those of you living in London don't have a location problem of course- and most au pairs want to go to London- but those are the ones with higher expectations and I can't give them what they want!

25 years ago (oh god was it that long...) I was an aupair. i worked my butt off, but I assumed that was what I was there for. There were no terms of employment no rights for aupairs I absolutely did what I was told wihtout question (pack lunches everyday full on child care on Saturdays homework cooking childrens tea, there rooms all rooms, hoovering 3 hours housework aday incl floor scrubbing)and there were 10 people living in the house including me -oh and a rather rank dog. My day started at 7am and finished at about 10pm when I finished the dishes from supper (whether I had been there or not) and laid the table for breakfast the next day (a task often performed a bit later,pissed after a night out wiht friends!).I had 2 days off a week and 3 hours in the afternoon. I adored my kids and loved the family who were mad and chaotic. Ironing well there was mountains of it.

So when I had my kids and wanted a bit of help I though I'll get me one of those. Instead I got a series of lopey initative devoid teenagers who had never 'helped at home' at all when they were growing up.
If it taught me anything it was that I must without fail give my kids the life skills needed to exist away from home when they leave me.

For the moment we live in utter chaos and exhaustion. Incidentally despite driving me nuts we too have stayed great friends with the crazy lazy girls who drifted amiably but rather uselessly through our house.

Where abouts are you Aliye??

Dizzydo- Worcestershire- 45 mins from Birmingham and 2.5 hours from London...............

I think I've been lucky in that everyone I've employed has been recommended (apart from the nanny from hell, and she was fine to start with).

On au pairs, I would be cautious about employing someone young again. We had one who was barely 20. She had been completely spoiled at home, had never so much as made a cup of coffee in her life, and having to do some housework came as a rude shock to her. Once she had got over this initial shock, she was OK, but a bit teenagery - eg we had friends over for dinner, told her she was welcome to join us, or could eat earlier with the children. She opted for the latter, then, when our guests were arriving, was slumped in front of MTV, volume up really loudly. Asked her to turn it down, she glared at us and turned it up, whereupon DH (he has a short fuse) walked over, turned it off, she stormed out of the sitting room slamming the door and decamped to her room, playing music so loudly it made the house vibrate. Think she needed a good slap!

Gosh, sounds supremely slappable!

Good practice for teenagerdom though.

I think part of the problem with au-pairs is that cross between status they have. Are they teenagers or grown ups? Sometimes they haven't decided themselves and one suddenly finds oneself having to deal with a teenager one hasn't actually given birth to, so let's face it, it's an unattractive prospect. (One one has given birth to is also unattractive, but perhaps slightly less so.)

MajorStress, I have read one of your threads where you were complaining about the AP and it went on and on and I couldn't believe your situation went from bad to worse. BUT I saw you had lots of support from other MumsNetters so I didn't post. I hoped you would get things sorted. And reading this thread it looks as though you have. Hurray!!

However you said that your interviews lasted an hour and a half and they just didn't get the hint. This worries me as it seems, and forgive me for what I am about to say, that you are not the one in charge and are timid to say something. Please please please take control from the very beginning. I beg you. I have had experiences with maternity nurses, nannies, au pairs, housekeepers, and I used to give them the benefit of doubt to my detriment as they then took advantage. I am an only child and non confrontational......but not anymore....... because I now know that I have to be the one in control and if somebody is taking the p*ss, stepping out of line, has an attitude, etc, it ain't gonna get better.

I advertised in The Lady Magazine for a Housekeeper/Mothers Help and aged by 10 years from the number of calls I took but with the experience - some of it bad - I have had I am a stronger person/employer now that knows what I want.

The very best of luck to you!! It's not easy.

au pairs can get very lonely if told to "bugger off" as one poster said they told their au pair to do on their day off.

HI ChicPea Thanks for your support too . I am not a suitable employer for this sort of job at all (either recruiting, managing or sacking) but needs must. I got a new live-out nanny who is great so far but it is only day 3-but doing things, that obviously need doing, off her own bat seems to be the norm rather than the exception. Also I have come to accept that no one can or will help me much, apart from mumsnet, even DH who is otherwise an exemplary dad and a high-level manager at work too unlike myself. My main concern now is management of myself, since that is all I can do in reality anyway-anger and mood management, prioritising my health and happiness at the expense of current cashflow and sometimes other people's fun. I was brought up the only child, unconfident, lonely, bored, shy and retiring and that legacy won't change overnight, or maybe ever. My confidence has been further reduced by the whole children/childcare experience. And you are right, it has toughened me coming through this fire (and still sprinting!), which has been far worse for me than a mere 7 months of severe sciatica, with the growing observation that holidays and possibly paid employment might be over at 42, then shattered disc and emergency surgery-pah, so what!? Childcare (and the kids themselves) are much more gruesome.

Oh majorstress you do seem so down. I think the problem is that you have been ?scarred? by inertia, as I was by my previous ap. It was so so hard to readjust to my new wonderful ap and I kept on thinking I had to do everything, as I did before. When I realised I could put my faith and confidence in her, I stepped off. I think that?s what you need to do. Yes your dh is a wonderful father so let him do that. Give yourself some valuable ?me? time and let your new ap form a loving relationship with your 2 dds (as mine has done). Okay I may get jealous but what?s worse ? me shouting at them all the time (as I did with the old ap) or them having one more person who loves them to bits. I look forward to your name-change to ?majorchill?. Take care and please CAT me if you want to.

There's no doubt about it, I have really reacted badly to this au pair fiasco-I think I am goiing to need counselling or something!!!! I just felt sick when I saw that Inertia had sent me an email from home, very cheerful about all the interviews she is going for (with no written ref from me at least!) and some photos she had taken-I right away deleted all but the one she wasn't in! Got unfairly annoyed too because she made my email account overflow while I was too busy to chekc it over the weekend. And have already earmarked the little keepsake she gave us, for the charity shop-I can't bear to look at it. Finding lots of stuff is missing, presumed broken (or stolen? what WAS in that giant parcel she sent home?), crockery, tupperware lids OR bases, and new kid's clothing. On the plus side, the kids haven't turned a hair about her departure, yesterday I got "Who is (Inertia's real name)?" when dd1 wanted to know who had stamped dd2s name on all her pjs (Inertia liked my permanent ink stampers and ruined a lot of stuff one day while I was at work). DDs HAVE enjoyed (and noticed!) the presence of the grandparents, associated visits from distant relatives, and had a really fun time with the new nanny Nirvana last week-fingers crossed that works out-but it is SOOO much better for all of us not to have her living in!!!!!! I have become a totally neurotic mother, shame I was't choosy enough at the outset to realise I couldn't cope with a dud AP and how high the risk of getting one is.