Am beginning to hate my Au-pair

[dizzydo]

Just typed this in once but cant find it anywhere so am doing it again. Apologies if it's on twice.

Wide awake at 2pm. Anyone else out there??

Our AP has been with us for 13 months and has another three months to go. She is beginning to drive me and DH nuts. She is terribly opinionated - every conversation (even if she is not included in it initially ) ends up with "in my country.."

Anyway, have noticed over last week or so she has become more and more sulky and so finally confronted her to find out what was wrong.

The bottom line was that she reckons we dont include her as part of the family at the weekends. She says that at the weekend we never invite her to eat with us. I was totally gobsmacked at this as we do always include her if we know she is in. I told her that I would never knowingly do that and she basically said she didnt believe me. I asked her why she didn't come down and let us know she was there if we were cooking and had not called her/invited her down. She is not usually so bothered about making her presence felt (didn't say that bit!). Afterwards I realised when it had sunk in that what she was talking about was lunchtimes. We hardly ever eat lunch at the weekends (particularly Saturdays) because we prefer to have a late breakfast go out and then have an early tea quite often out somewhere. I found myself cooking lunch today purely for her benefit and then REALLY resenting it. It also made it very late for us to go out.

She also said that she should only have to do the childrens ironing and not ours. I reminded her that she is not a nanny she is an aupair and as such an extra pair of hands to muck in with whatever is required. Before she joined us we gave her a schedule of what we expected (ironing WAS on it) all of which she agreed to. She does do a good job with the children but is not good at tiyding up generally NEVER picks things up that I leave at the bottom of the stairs to go up or tidies the childrens bedroom.

We pay her £65pw plus £5 per hour for any extra hours on top. In school holidays we pay an extra £15 per day for 9-5 (£140 a week which I think is a lot). We also pay her an extra £15 every other week for 2 hours cleaning of our room which she said was not enough time. That is ridiculous as it is a loft room and bathroom!

Am I being totally unreasonable or is she? BTW she is 27 and possibly just too old for this type of role.

What does Mumsnet think?

I have a Polish aupair & she is great. However, she is 26 & probably more mature than most.
With regard to your situation, dizzydo, I would say stop paying the aupair to clean & get a cleaner. She is taking the piss saying she can't do a loft room in 2hrs!!!! So, don't fight it, just get a cleaner.
I do only expect my aupair to do stuff related to the children: so their ironing, their rooms, their food, toys etc. I have found expecting them to do general household stuff tends to end in resentment - so its just easier to stick with the kids stuff.
I do think it is having a chat though & telling her that you are sorry she is not happy at the moment & asking her what she thinks could be done to sort it out. Whatever she comes back with, tell her you'll consider and come back to her tomorrow.
Good luck

I would probably remove the things she does not like doing, dock her pay accordingly, type up a new contract, and ask her if this is what she wants. Reduced work = reduced pay. Not negotiable just because au pair has decided to renig on her end of the contractual agreement. (I am of course assuming that everything she is refusing to do is written in a contract which you have both signed).

A problem I had with my first au pair was she thought that if she could demonstrate to me why she needed something, then I should give it to her. And, I thought that if she earned it, then she could have it.

Thanks, I think thats a good work around Uwila. Might find she will decide to clean rather than have her pocket money docked! Must say, this late on into her stay, and with an agreement signed from day one, I resent having to find and pay someone else to do what she agreed to do up front. It also seems like giving in to her and as she is a difficult character anyway I resent that.

Thanks, I think thats a good work around Uwila. Might find she will decide to clean rather than have her pocket money docked! Must say, this late on into her stay, and with an agreement signed from day one, I resent having to find and pay someone else to do what she agreed to do up front. It also seems like giving in to her and as she is a difficult character anyway I resent that.

I sympathise and don't think you're being unreasonable in what you expect. I just wondered if she's feeling homesick at the moment because the Pope died? He's such an important national figure - there are candles along every street named after him. My brother was in Warsaw at the weekend and said it was very moving.

Sorry to go off the point.

Message withdrawn

I have polish Au pair who is there to make my life easier, I work from home and 3 kids are in school most of day. My deal with her is the job includes house work all laundry and ironing and cooking for kids, Her weekends are free unless I am working and she is paid extra for that or has timneoff in week. I know she prefers the money and will hang around on her day off but I just tell her to bugger off. Our house is messy and noisy and any one who wouldn't muck in and makes separate demands would be out the door. My Job description is not too glowing but put most mums jobs on the notice board and how many takers would you get, low pay, long hours..etc etc It's a comprimise enough having an Au pair..lack of privacy v lack of sanity in my opinion. I agree my kids have begun to take her for granted and I wish she would make them tidy up more but she prefers to do it herself easier and quicker. I don't like all the things she does. (She just put sugar in the kids milkshake) But I am not a perfect mum either. However it is my house and home and i need to be happy so if I wasn't happy with AP I woul d get rid.

I do not want to antagonise anyone, but I get the impression many of you are getting some cheap labour here and expect too much. I would never get an au pair. I would get a proper cleaner/agency to do the cleaning or a childminder qualified nanny to look after the chidren. and pay them the market rate/minimum wage etc if you have chosen the au pair because you cannot afford a cleaner/childminder or both, then you are getting cheap labour and should do the work yourself. Just because you made clear what is expected and people are desperate doesnt make it fair. Have you seen the price of a qualifiede live in nunny?

I do not want to antagonise anyone, but I get the impression many of you are getting some cheap labour here and expect too much. I would never get an au pair. I would get a proper cleaner/agency to do the cleaning or a childminder qualified nanny to look after the chidren. and pay them the market rate/minimum wage etc if you have chosen the au pair because you cannot afford a cleaner/childminder or both, then you are getting cheap labour and should do the work yourself. Just because you made clear what is expected and people are desperate doesnt make it fair. Have you seen the price of a qualifiede live in nunny?

Oh dear Wigglewiggle. Most Ap and employers are happy. It is only when things go wrong you see it here on mums net. It can be a nice exchange of cultures and a great way to meet the gap in childcare and finances. Never say never and don't assume anyone who has an AP is trying to be cheap

Not everyone who has an au pair needs a nanny, Wiggle. I am a SAHM, so it would be madness to employ a nanny, when what I want is a couple of hours cleaning and one of the school runs done.

The amount of cleaning and childcare is really dependent on the family situation. There is no "one size fits all".

I have to agree with you Ameriscot. I am a WAHM and I need help with house etc. If my AP wanted play babies etc she would be with another family. I can flex my hours and I only work part time and kids are in school.

You sound very satisfied with your life Wigglewiggle. Let's hope you never have to eat your words.

I think most people here are agreed that Au-pair's are not nannys and neither are they cleaners. They are "helpers" who should be prepared to muck in with what needs doing around the family and home. As such that is bound to be childcare and cleaning!! I secondly what Hondadream is saying that you hear far more of the bad things about APs on Mumsnet because it's somewhere to go to let off steam.

The other point is they should not be "desperate"to come. The idea is that it is a mutually beneficial exchange of culures. They live with you as one of the family muck in with whats needed and in exchange you look after them, feed and house them, pay them weely pocket money and whatever perks you deem and show them around a bit. I have had lovely girls staying but it is not easy and contrary to what you may think more often than not they are NOT exploited

I had a friend with an AP, and they considered her a s a cross between an older sibling, and a hired help - granted she had to do chores, but she got paid for it and she was part of the family. Helping out with the little ones is all part of it - but she didn't do anything exclusively. Not all the cleaning, not all the childcare. And if she spent one week doing a lot more (or less!) - her allowance was adjusted accordingly!

having read some of the reactions here i go again.I admit i am not an expert but i still think AP are not getting a lot for some of the job descriptions. imo some people expect too much. although I understand that can be a lot of monye for who pays. On the other hand, I accept fully that some au pairs are showing no respect and I cannot excuse some of the behavour here described. I am appalled by the one bringing their friends to sleepover and taking over the breakfast table.

I meant to say that if paid a market rate p/h for each job to do all that ironing, whatever cleaning/housekeeping is required (although I know it is not all of the cleanig/housekeeping, I am not that daft) from them and any however partial supervising/helping children etc (still childcare work imo) Sorry but you are getting a very good deal. Just picking up from school, in London you can pay £5 p/h per child to a qualified childminder for school picking up and afterschool care. I understand they get lodging food etc I am sure you have done all the sums.

People that can afford it/want to spend their money, come to england to go to colleage and they pay to stay with an english family. That's how they get their cultural exchange. This is why I think it come down to the economics rather than just choice/pleasure. However, I understand what you are all saying that when things are done properly, it its advantages for both parties etc. I appreciate the good experiences and i will think about it a little bit more.

there is not need to go on about my personal life Dizzydo I hope they are all as good and fair as yourself. I mean it. I would no choose AP option for myself, I pay for childcare and do my own cleaning. I cannot afford paying proper wages to a cleaner so I do it myself.

Wigglewiggle, I accept your point now you have expanded upon it a bit more.

Apologies for getting personal.

Hi there...... we have 2 au pairs at home- to help look after a 22 month old and a 9 week old and to look after a big house (cleaning/ironing/cooking etc.) I could not afford to get a nanny+cleaner+ironing lady etc. but I can afford to get two great girls. They are both Slovak and are very respectful, kind, loving, caring, clean and tidy. It is the agency that made the difference in my opinion. The agency "happy home childcare" who is run by a Slovak ex-au pair is great in listening to your needsand then finding the right people. The owner of the agency who has been an au pair herself knows girls who are "good au pair material" which means they are hard working, mature girls (mine are both 21 but very mature), who are willing to work good for good money. Because I have 2 girls the jobs are distributed between them so they don't work "hard" as such and I always have someone around to help. We pay them well, let them call their countries and we pay for it(2p/min), give them broadband internet access, take them shopping, lunch etc. I buys them gifts if I see something that I think they will like. We take them on holidays with us and they have their own room which is always adjoining room to ours(they have the babies in their room). We are very good and kind to them in return for their hard work. They are like a part of the family but still very respectful and know why they are here. They love our children and truly enjoy being with them. I would never allow them to have visitors (they woudln't even ask!) I think the secret is to find a good agency....... who knows girls who will make good au pairs! Talk to Renata (www.happyhomechildcare.com) if you want a good au pair.

It doesn't sound like they have much privacy - sharing a room? And having the babies in with them? Was that right?

Beety, yes, you're right. Dopey me.
Agree, good advert!

I just had to log on to that website Beetroot because I thought that thread was taking the p* out of this thread and what AP's should and shouldnt do.

The penny suddenly has suddenly dropped!!

Think I am too involved with hilarious thread about shagging AP being caught out!!