Please be kind.
Struggling so badly with my toddler. There’s a lot of other external life stress going on aside from this.
Doing it all alone
legal stuff with non involved father that’s ripping my mind and soul to shreds the last yr
and an impending home move that’s hrs away ahead of us
Im at the depths of severe depression and stress from circumstantial situations above been dealing with, but also with the worsening bond with my toddler due to LO being so difficult. I try so hard I honestly do. But nothing I do is ever right. I’m out of my depth, but I’m out of my depth amidst this huge life stage am at and dealing with also.
Once we’ve moved and LO is in nursery so much will brighten up both in our worlds.
But right now, I wake up wishing i wasn’t here. Her difficulties (likely picking up on my stress and sadness due to legal stuff going on, sheer exhaustion and loneliness of doing such big life stages alone basically. No partner to lean on. Feel like I’m drowning. And compounding that is a toddler who I feel hates me (I know it’s common to feel this).
it’s breaking my heart to the point recently (I know it’s the depression) thought would she be happier, is this difficultly of managing all this and her alone. No doubt will be affecting her.
The depression has had me on some really low times recently thinking I owe her a bigger family than just me. (We don’t have any extended family). My sheer exhaustion, depression is getting worse, our bond is getting damaged. I loathe myself for even admitting but at my witts end I asked her if she wanted me to find her a bigger family, because nothing I do is right) fighting back the tears (I’ve now cried a handful of times in front of her, which is not right) raised my voice. And now I’m in stage of just being empty, quiet and just letting her watch tv she wants to watch sitting quietly holding it all in when I feel like at my depths of I can’t do this anymore. I’m so broken (depression induced and stress of being ravaged by LO’s father’s legal team, even though we are so close to the end and it will be positive for us). It has ravaged me. I’m an empty mother, can’t eat, sleep, toddler who I try so hard with but I just can’t stop lately feeling if I disappeared now she wouldn’t remember. If I found her a nice big family. Maybe she’d be happier. But I know I can’t do that to her. I can’t end things. I’ve got to get better and get us through this transition.
So there’s the state of my current situation - apologies for the length. I’m writing this while I get 2 minutes to be able to!
Where is best to find a nanny who would be understanding of my situation (my mental health, without pretending the world is all rainbows). Toddler specialist. Someone to help me get her potty trained. Help alleviate the sheer exhaustion and how our bond is slowly deteriorating. Until she’s settled in nursery after our move.
Ive looked at independent advertised Nannie’s but should I be going with an agency who can vouch a person is legitimately great with kids, warm, fun. Toddler experienced to deal with the hurdles that come with this age.