Help! What should au pairs get in London? URGENT

[majorstress]

I'm paying £80 pocket money, all food, own room with new tv, dvd and radio. 3 x 3 hours English classes a week, just paid £137 for 12 weeks. Original agreement was this would rise to £100 this month, but hours were from 2:30 to 8 pm, 2 kids one at school one at FULLTIME nursery. She has talked me into letting her knock off at 6:30, and to let her off most of the housework which is ironing. The other housework is done to the minimum, very passive and helpless about everything, doesn't seem to know how to change a bed, or hoover, or cook despite talking about it all the time. I am finding myself working non-stop doing housework as well as a full time job, and failing dismally at coping with either, with continual colds and a back injury. Now she wants me to honor the £100 part of the deal. Am I a mug? a slavedriver? Should I find someone else? Quit my job? Kill myself?

Sounds like you are making good progress, majorstress. This is probably a silly long shot, but if you haven't replaced Inertia by June 01 (or possibly last week in May), I could lend you my nanny (if it was okay with her of course). I am pregnant now, due 29 May, and as I think you know I'm looking for a way to keep my nanny but not have to pay her full time while I go on mat. leave.

It's not an ideal solution, but I just thought I'd mention it in case you end up in a terrible bind. My nanny's strengths are her teaching/educational and helth/nutritional skills. She does a bit of light housework, but to be honest she isn't great at it. But, she's wonderful with nutrition and education.... and she takes DD swimming.

Now, what's with your back? Let me get this straight, you work for the NHS and they can't help you? And did you say they get rid of someone for being ill???? That's horrible. I assure you I am no great fan of nationalised health systems, but that shocks even me.

Good Heavens, I couldn't poach your gem!!!!
My prob is a rotated pelvis (from pregnancy) that has not really resolved (dd2 is 2) and has now turned into sciatica (severe leg pain and numbness), and without a MRI scan it's hard to work out if there is now a disc problem too. I presume if I was still in the US with health insurance, I would have had a scan by now, but here they first fob you off for a few weeks, then reluctantly put you on a really long waiting list. It is due to
a) not complaining to the GP in July when it first started after a horrendous coughing infection that ruined my holiday,
b) my height, 5'9'', and a lifetime of bad posture,
c)several pregnancies at an advanced age, weakening my core muscles, followed inevitably by
d) giving up all the (not much) exercise I was accustomed to, to look after the little B*ggers and still try to work full time (the Have it ALL media ethos I grew up with). I just came back from the physio who has been trying hard to make me better, which I got to through Occupational Health, and she thinks I need to be signed off for a few days, and is going to tell my boss what she has found in case he can get me in for a scan somehow. But yes it would be improper, it's not fair for me to jump the Q. On the other hand, dozens of other really sick people are waiting for me to do their tests and I physicaly can't do them at the moment. My technician has called in sick as well, so now there is no one to hold the fort, and she can't do some of my tests yet either. The dismissal/resignation was due to a big row with the big boss, who is of the old school, with a mild mannered admin guy who was getting snowed under, became ill with a kidney problem (and paranoid) and finally snapped, in the wrong way. He just wanted to cut his losses and be happy again, so didn't contest it, found a downshifted job right away, and the rest of us thought, there but for the grace of God.. The NHS has got literally over 1 million staff, so some of them are bound to be bad bosses. My actual boss is junior to the big one and I get on with him fine and I LOVE my work, so I don't want to give up just beacues of temporary I hope health problems. But i have to stay calm, keep smiling and keep trying to find a way around my difficulties-that's life, huh?

KEEP DOING THOSE PELVIC FLOOR EXERCISES, Y'ALL that's my motto If I had I wouldn't be here moaning to you guys!

What is it with housework? It is such a bone of contention and source of stress and guilt. There are lots of things that you don;t HAVE to do every day, but they become unmanageable monsters if they are left TOO long, it's easier in the long run to give youself the same treatment as the kids- no treats until you do your homework/housework. Maybe the AP needs more rewards from us mummies, when they DO get something right. (It even helps a little with Inertia-just not enough!). It is a skill that most have not been taught, but learn as they go along. So teenage au pairs are unlikely to be able to cope as well as older mummies, even if oldies like me have never been much cop at it. Then it annoys us when we get home and they are blind to the fact that they have created an hours additional labour just for you, unecessarily. Why do we all hate it so much? I know, go look at other threads....

I now have a teenage au pair and she just does what I tell her.

The previous one I had was 26, and she had trouble adapting to what I wanted - she was horrified when I said the floor did not need a full mop every day, especially at the expense of other jobs.

Ability and willingness to learn decline with age alright....

Poach my gem? Oh, no no... I'm not that generous. It was a temporary offer for a win win kind of situation. You could pay her instead of me while I don't actually need her (or at least take her over part time). There's is a benefit to me her as well, obviously.

But, really, it's beter for you find a permanent suitable replacement. So I just metioned it in case you find yourself still in this bind in June. But, chances are you will find a replacement and it won;t be an issue much sooner than June.

Any reason not to use an agency Majorstress? The one I used was only £320 and saved me s**t loads of stress. Loads of good advice too. I think I said before my Aupair is Polish & great and my friend has Czech aupair who she gets on really well with too.
Have you thought of putting notices up in your local newsagents or looking at the notices? In SW18, the noticeboards are positively heaving with aupairs looking for work.

Majorstress, have you tried Simply Childcare? We found a lovely nanny through them.

Well I'm off for my emergency MRI for seriously herniated disc, probably to be followed by surgery, 4-5 days in hospital and 4-5 weeks recovery with no houseowrk or childcare allowed. So sorry, skip the next line souls who are braver than I, but I have to WHINGE. There thats better. NOW an agency is just waht I was thinking, if any of you kind souls see this, realise I can only spend a few minutes at the PC at a time and intermittently at that (too painful even hough DH has moved it, at least I can see the monitior now) but can't scroll down and search for ages. SOOO could you kindly post on this thread phone numbers of good agencies you know that might serve north London? I have a couple in the yellow pages to make a start. THANK you thank you x 1000

Oh you poor poor thing.

Have you been MRI'd before? If not, I can assure you that it's fine - not an unpleasant experience in any way (unless, I should say, you have problems with confined spaces - but you're not restrained, you just get slid into a rather neat-fitting space).

Try these: all say they cover N London, but worth having a word to see if they can provide exactly what you need:

• Childminders - 020 7935 3000 - primarily a babysitting agency, but when we've had daytime childcare emergencies they've always come up trumps. You pay a fee to join, then an hourly rate

• Occasional & Permanent Nannies - 020 7225 1555 - nannies we've known have used this agency and been happy. Don't know any parents who've used it though (and we haven't)

• Universal Aunts - 020 7738 8937 - their aim in business is to cover all sorts of domestic emergencies, but primarily child-based

Might you need any home nursing help yourself?

All the very very best, and please ask your dh to keep us updated.

Oh gosh, Majorstress, I didn't realise you were quite that bad. Good luck to you! Can I do anything to help? I trust your DH is holding down the fort and taking over the childcare crisis until you are mobile again?

How are you in the immediate future for childcare outside of aupairs normal working hours? Is aupair going to work a bit more to help you?

Majorstress' Husband, if you are reading this, please let me know if I can help at all. Post a message here or send me a CAT (Contact Another Talker link at top of this page)

no he's too busy at work and we're getting his mum aged 75 to come from Ireland on Monday to help, then take the kids away for halfterm on Friday (she was already having dd1, and has offered to have dd2 now) the folowing week, when I should be home from hopsital again. I will get rid of inertia then and install a new one with no kids underfoot and any refusal to do the listed tasks on the contract will result in their head spinning around as they wait in the airport for a plane home- I should be able to walk around again then a bit-unlike now, ow have to lie down again.

she is helping a smidge more, but I just don;t like her anymore at the end of the day, and want her out of my hair while I get my life back in order. NO more MS nice Majorstress. There a plenty of lovely fish in the sea and I am going to catch the right one this time!

oh by the way I enjoyed my rest in the MRI machine, I even nearly fell asleep in the quiet spells-they are loud! wonders of modern science- and all my moaning more than justified it is urgent that it be repaired (badly herniated disc.)

Glad you are gradually getting things sorted out, Majorstress.

It's hard being an expat, sometimes, when you don't have easy family support to rely on. It's great the your MIL is helping out - hopefully this is a win-win situation as she gets to spend quality time with her grand-kids while providing you with much-need childcare support.

Take care of yourself!

oh great now DH has decided that MIL can't cope with dd2 age 2 and MIL herself has asked for a harness for her (bad sign). (dd1 was already going anyway, she is a little angel and granny dotes on her) I think dd2 needs more than a harness when she sets off on one of her determined little missions! FIL is a little frail too and won't change nappies, and auntie is game but disabled, brother in law and new wife are vv busy though haven;t been approached yet....so much for Dublin contingent. hermmm...I WILL OVERCOME!!!!just you wait

Majorstress, how are you? Coping?

I am still on the emergency list waiting to be called when there is a gap in the stream! Granny is here, dd2 did her the honor of 3 poos in one morning , a record for her. So granny feels unloved (maybe should be honored!), and DH definitely doesn't want dd2 sent away now for next week as she has twigged something is wrong and getting very upset with everyone, wanting mum when anything goes wrong, though I am only upstairs. My total fed-upness with Inertia is very plain I'm afraid, and she is sneaking around even more annoyingly, also now I see she keeps feeding snacks on demand to dd1 at 6 pm (she gets a big all-she-can-eat healthy snack at 3:30 then I want her to wait until dinner at 6:30) no wonder she won't eat her dinner. I've also noticed that Inertia's inability to change or wash sheets extends to the ones on her bed, a farm animal set I gave dd1 for birthday, she "borrowed" it a few months ago, the adult ones were shunned, and now I am sure it is only going to get changed when it walks out of there by itself. Explains a lot.

Can't really boot her until i get a new one interviewed, and that really can't happen until I am out of hospital unless DH suddenly completely changes his personality (he is even more wimpy than me). Granny just gave up trying to have a conversation with Inertia, very out of character, and we haven't told her anything. Once I can reach my feet to tie my laces, those big boots are goin on those feet and out she goes.

Does Inertia feed DD1 her dinner? I wonder if she would still hand out the snacks if she had the burdon of a child who won't eat.

I have this problem with my husband. It drives me crazy.

HI no she doesn't feed dinner because that is our family meal of the day, the only time we sit down together, which she won't join in on. Apart from no interaction, so English not improving, she doesn't understand about spoiling little appetites, and individual likes and dislikes (except her own). She has cooked 2-3 hungarian delicacies, after much discussion, nagging me to procure ingredients on the spot, preparation, fanfare and mess, then leaves giant pots of soupy mess on cooker and goes out. Isn't that odd? I would like to share food I had prepared as a special treat, myself. Thus she still doesn't know that dd1 hates peppers and won't eat food that contains lots or tastes like them (all Hungarian stuff seems to contain), and none of us like very dilute, sloppy soupy meals.

Granny thinks she's crap too. Dd2 and granny are becoming chums (they are identical twins 70 years apart!) so maybe she will take her to Ireland next week-fingers crossed!!! Uncle B has offered to fetch her back (thank you, thank you, uncle B), he particlarly gets on with dd2 too (she's not soppy and easy like dd1). Just dh to convince-3 more days of granny's help...hope hope hope. If I can just lose both kids for a few days we will be able to ditch Inertia right away!yippeee

Does this mean that you have a new one on the horizon, or that you have decided that life with no one is better than life with Inertia?

Where is hubby in all of this? Is he sharing the burdon with you? Or will you be in the position of having topick up all of Inertia's duties yourself?

I do have some in view, though have got in a muddle with 2 on g.a.p., the same name, have been corresponding gaily with 2nd choice by mistake! I'm not in great shape mentally I guess, never mind physically wrecked. I am waiting to go into hospital at short notice any minute, and I need dh to take over the search, he is an experienced interviewer unlike me, but he is not very motivated. I have put everything, all the agency phone numbers, profiles and printed out emails from likelies, in a hidden folder for him, but he has to be nagged to look at it and only looks for 30 seconds. I just want her out of my house,but dh is being mega-stressed at work and at home, and doesn't want any tidal waves rocking the household boat just now. He keeps saying things like, since I am here, I can keep an eye on things and tell her what to do. Mostly I lie on the bed in pain, and couldn't care less what's going on downstairs anymore; I have bent over backwards for months to SHOW her what to do, telling doesn;t work, and showing is only partly successul. Now, with a slipped disc, I can't be repeatedly showing someone how to plug in a hoover in a floor level socket-and WHY SHOULD I NEED TO? I will go insane if I have to live with creepy Inertia while housebound after surgery. I'd rather be alone, but without Inertia, dd2 needs ferrying to/from nursery which is only 3 hours anyway. Then I will have to look after dd2 myself which is against drs orders and the truth be known I don't feel able to right now-can't change nappies, lift her out of the fixes she gets in, or even sit to read stories. She's ready for potty training now but I can't do that either.

I might be overstepping my bounds here, but how can he expect you to do the child care with a slipped disc? I would have a fit if my husband left that to me (which isn't to say that he wouldn't try).

I do wonder if your expectation of post surgery capabilities might be a bit ambitious.

What about enlisting a local childminder who does school runs whilst you recover?

When my crap au pair left, I enlisted a local childminder to get me through the next couple of weeks whilst I frantically hunted down a replacement.