Help! What should au pairs get in London? URGENT

[majorstress]

I'm paying £80 pocket money, all food, own room with new tv, dvd and radio. 3 x 3 hours English classes a week, just paid £137 for 12 weeks. Original agreement was this would rise to £100 this month, but hours were from 2:30 to 8 pm, 2 kids one at school one at FULLTIME nursery. She has talked me into letting her knock off at 6:30, and to let her off most of the housework which is ironing. The other housework is done to the minimum, very passive and helpless about everything, doesn't seem to know how to change a bed, or hoover, or cook despite talking about it all the time. I am finding myself working non-stop doing housework as well as a full time job, and failing dismally at coping with either, with continual colds and a back injury. Now she wants me to honor the £100 part of the deal. Am I a mug? a slavedriver? Should I find someone else? Quit my job? Kill myself?

Majorstress, are you around? Are you ok? Did you go in for surgery? Has inertia met her fate?

Just checking to see if you are ok?

I'M BACK and more , and so is my back! I am sooooo lucky the op worked (disc was shattered and out already, so much for physiotherapy for 5 months, it would never have got better) and I am in great shape considering, so they discharged me early. Granny and dd1 off on plane tonight for the week. I think I can't sack Inertia until I get replacement because dd2 is wary of strangers, and at just 2 can't understand what's going on, she is already upset with my sudden disappearance for 4 days. We think she will stop sleeping or take her revenge in some other way if we sack Inertia, get temp, then change again 2 weeks later. BUT guess what I have now got the refs on someone who seems perfect and without any prompting they all mention all the traits missing from Inertia-get ready to meet Vavavoom from Estonia...I hope ASAP. Watch this space!!!!

DH is really moaning about taking a few hours off work during my week in hospital, and gave out stink about my lifestyle (in fact the drs all said it's nothing to do with anything I do, think, eat or whatever, it's just aging and poor luck), then he said he is going to tell me what to do from now on, so this sort of thing doesn't happen again!!!. so I am trying to think some constructive thoughts instead of blowing my top, or possibly worse, laughing my head off! He's not usually a total moron, honest. Excruciating pain is a real perspective-changer for me anyway. Tomorrow we will have gone on our first date 18 years ago. I think we have some re-thinking to do certainly. Bloody Inertia has darn well got some babysitting to do, because now I can go out to a restaurant (briefly) in comfort! I watched an awful program about rotten nannies on ITV2 in hospital, did anyone see that? We don't get it at home, but I'm sure it's just a re-run anyway.

Hiya, glad your feeling better. I always find it much more fun to demonstrate that I am the rather than tell him about it. Next time he gets a bit stroppy (sp?), just put your hand on your back, grunt, and sit down. That'll freak him out. You've been a real trooper. He should at the very least acknowledge that.

Ah, so your getting an Estonian. Good luck! My nanny is Estonian and would probably be interested in meeting another Estonian. How old is your? Maybe we could introduce them. It might help yours settle in to a new life in a new land. And, it might be good for mine as well to meet someone new.

"...I am the boss rather than tell..."

It would help if I could put all of the words in my sentences on the first attempt.

she's 22 I think. fab English, very active and sporty, does everything without being told, raised her younger brother herself, and was too lonely and bored in a remote Danish village, though they would like her back.

Have you checked references? Lidka appeared to be fantastic when I talked to her. She was attentive. She answered e-mails toroughly and promptly. Seemed a nice catholic girl. After she arrived, she said she had a fiance and then I found out she would flirt with anything that had 3 legs.

Please please please check references thoroughly... for your sake.

WEll I have checked the references...but what are they worth really? They were basically accurate about Inertia, she is ideal for very young babies or little pre-school kids who need quiet and dullness, and whose parents want them to stay indoors all the time, and I have friends who are parents like that... I have yet to telephone interview Vavoom as I am waiting for Inertia to go out (unusually she's at home), but Miss V sounds better by far than any others we've had or interviewed, and on par with my original choice who didn;t get her visa. Might press DH to do some of it, for him they seem to let down their guard and say stuff like, how nice English boyfriends or husbands would be (he's Irish so that's the end of them!).

I think there is great value in actually talking to a former employer. Although, if they don't speak English that's rather difficult. I hot luck with current nanny. She had worked for an English couple who were and are living in Estonia. So obviously they speak English. I spoke with the mother and everything she told me about current nanny is totally true.

I just wouldn't want you to go through finding out vavoom is another inertia (btw, love their names)

Sounds like the end is finally in sight. Good luck!!

I was in e-mail contact with a girl who seemed great. She had a fantastic reference, really glowing, from an English family she had au paired for. I was on the verge of telephone i/v and poss offering her the job, but rang her referee first, who said the girl was an absolute nightmare, very difficult to live with, two of her kids hated her, she did the bare minimum and brought home a long string of Afghan refugee boyfriends who had to be kicked out of the house as it appeared at one point that a couple had moved in and were sleeping in her room!

Never believe a written reference.

I am SO with Tanzie, as you know from my previous postings.

Last warning story I heard was from my uncle who is a bit of an ageing casanova (!!) who had written all the refs for his Polish girlfriend so that she could get an au-pairing job as a fill-in while he went to Spain for a few months.

Needless to say I told him what I thought of that, but neither of them seemed to see any harm as in their opinion childcare is easy and Hania was more than up to the job ... hmmm .

Anyway despite all my doom-mongering GOOD LUCK, and all the luck of the Irish ... !

The references I had for my Polish au pair were all glowing which did not describe her skills and attitudes at all.

I did not take up references for my current au pair (she's 19, so I didn't think she'd have much "history"), but was determined to be fairly ruthless if there was anything dubious or incompetent about her. She's been with us for 3 weeks now and is everything au pair should be.

I might feel differently if I was WOH, but with my being around I am able to keep an eye on her.

Majorstress, I have to add that the person you have described on here (Inertia) is NOT ideal for young babies/toddlers. Treats before dinner? I would have to kill her if she did that with my DD, who is a mserable eater. We have found that the only way to get her to eat a meal is to make sure she is positively starving when it is served. And, you have to give the meal in sections, starting with the food groups you want her to eat (i.e. veg), and ending with the ones she wants to eat (i.e. yoghurt).

I think Ameriscot makes a very important point about her being around to supervise. You on the other hand aren't in much of a position to supervise anyone. So, I think that makes checking up on references doubly important for you. Sorry if I sound like I think I'm your mother. I just like to share my experience with others in hopes that it prevents them from having the same pleasure.

Latest episode from our aupair. I came back from work yesterday. AP was taking my 2 kids to swimming lessons but had left backdoor and garage open! Mentioned it to her when she got ack and she told me that she hadn't gone out but my 8 year old had. then procedded to get in major strop when i told he it was her responsibility to lock up the house not by daughters! ALso has gone away for the weekned leaving kids wet washing in washing machine for me to sort out!

Yeah, Uwila,that's true about the unapproved snax; my opinion of Inertia keeps sinking lower. That approch to make non-eaters eat is a very good one IMHO too, but you need everyone involved with your child to be on board, and trustworthy. I have a book by Gina Ford and someone from Great Ormond St with more advice if you'd like to borrow it. DD2 is shouting for me to go eat my dinner now!!!

Help! how do I phone estonia? nothing seems to work

What do you mean how do you phone estonia?

What's the Gina Ford book you have? (don't worry if you don't have it handy, sorting out how to call Estonia id probably at more important right now).

It's the Contented Child's Food Bible or something like that.

OK, you experienced and careful AP owner/managers, does she get more money for looking after 2 kids than one, and how much more? (just give a percentage if you are too embarrassed to admit how mean/overgenerous you are). How much extra per extra kid?

I would rate the age of the children more than the number of them. I think 18 months is a lot more work than a 5 year old. Or, I suppose if I were to have 5 kids, than I would offer more. But I think your two are fair.

However, if she raises the issue, I would be willing to discuss/negotiate.

Did you manage to talk to her last night? How did it go?

I agree with Uwila . Age more important than number (unless you have 10 or something like that), I wouldn't expect to pay any more for two than one - though when friends have asked if they can leave their child with my nanny/au pair, I always make them pay the usual babysitting rate (and some of them were shocked that I asked them to pay her!).

Gawd, don't some people have a cheek??? Free babysitting indeed. On my part, in hunting the Estonian bandersnatch, I have now managed to get an answerphone in a strange Germanic language, maybe that was hers?? Anyway on your good suggestion Ameriscot I have just revised my contract to be a job spec instead -I need someone to REPLACE me- well I can't suddenly b*gger off, or leap from my sickbed, just because it is now 5:30 pm on a Wednesday as specified in the contract. Also it's pay at the end of the month, but only one week's notice to get lost. So, it's much less specific and should allow me to get back on track, and then concessions I will be able to make as I recover will be seen in their appropriate light-i.e. VERY VERY costly to me as a person who is beginning to feel utterly uunloved and unappreciated. Inertia spent the whole day in her room on Sat, my first day out of hospital, for 36 hours, without a single word to anyone, and on Sun left without a word at 9 am and returned at 10 pm having spent a fabulous day (she was excited enough to speak!) in Chinatown. As we struggled to soothe DD2 to sleep (missing dd1 in next bed), inertia with her usual sense and tact, came in and told us all about it, and then asked for help with online booking U2 tickets for the summer(meaning me to use my credit card, which is ok, I can deduct it form the pocket money). I refuse to feel guilty that I am going to sack her ASAP-I have been trying to see a Chinese lion dance myself-whinge moan-complain for over 5 years now. I never ever thought I would be jealous of my au pair and her freedom and "little" pocket money of over £100 a week- but it really makes me and DH feel like complete slaves, with nothing to show for it.

DH has pretty much talked me into abandoning the work nursery we have for 2 full days a week for dd2-though this is fairly irreversible as very long waiting list- so the AP would get DD2 for two full days as well as the three half days already set out. It would let me get into work quicker and so I could leave on time-and certainly easier on back. It's astonishing how tough and time consuming nursery collection is. It is also very expensive and the money saved would be a welcome resource to deploy in a better way, more pocket money for better person, or whatever. I feel sorry about it though, and worried about being so AP dependent- but I guess we already are and these complicatd arrangements are too sapping of my limited energy.

Hiya, much as I hate to ever give credit to anyone's DH , that sounds like a wise idea. It also puts greater emphasis on your au pair / nanny's willingness to attend outside activities. Hello swimming class!!

I just sign DD up for activities and then tell nanny where to go. As a a general rule, I try not to put them on a train/bus connection. But if they can get there with a single journey which has no changes, then off they go...

It might be worth asking in the phone interview what activities she finds appropriate for a x year old, and see if potential AP has any ideas. For example, my nanny this morning mentioned to me that Jo Jingles is cancelled tomorrow, and would it be alright if they went swimming instead? I definitely took a mental note that she was taking initative to provide a suitable activity for DD rather than sit around the house and watch Nick Jr.

Remember that this person will guide DD2's entertainment, education, social atmosphere for a good part of the week. So, her personality will be ever so important.

Good luck. Good luck. Good luck.

(BTW, Estonians have a fairly basic and healthful diet, so the tendancy to run for cookies, cakes, and other sugary fatty treats is often not second nature to them)