Relations with nanny after she leaves

[skyfly]

Hi, I’m struggling to establish the appropriate boundaries with the nanny who worked for us for almost 5 years. We do appreciate all what she did for our kids and the level of care she provided. But in the last year or so of her employment, our concerns grew re boundaries between her and our kids. She started to introduce them to her family by video calls and meetings for coffee (only informing me about it post factum), frequently gave presents, called herself their grandmother etc. So we parted our ways in the most agreeable way possible but she still insists on seeing our kids every 2 months, inviting us to visit her and sending numerous texts. When we do eventually see each other, she overwhelms our kids with gifts and invitations to visit her, go to the theatre together etc. My elder one really gets excited and wants to do it but I feel incredibly uncomfortable. As I said we had trusted our nanny for long time, but I do not feel this level
of emotional attachment is appropriate. It seems like she desperately wants the grandchildren and fills the void with my kids . I do not know how to politely explain it to her without hurting her feelings. Any advice is appreciated.

Why would you have an issue with another caring adult in your dc's lives? Someone who loves them and cares for them?

Not any help in your situation but I would have loved this relationship for my kids- but we don't have extended family who adore them.

Having another trusted adult in their lives as they grow up van be invaluable... but yes only if you want it!

I have no idea though how you do

how old are your kids?

she can’t insist on anything. It’s ok if you hurt her feelings, there’s not a magic way not to. You are feeling uncomfortable and it’s ok to act and stop that.

I’d embrace it, how wonderful for your children to have that bond and how sad you won’t allow this.

My sons Nanny still follows him / our progress and has loved watching him grow - he’s now 20!
I feel so lucky I had a Nanny that loved him so much she wanted to stay in touch.

You’re being weird and nasty.

Hi X, now that the kids are older/you no longer work for us, we need to move away from spending so much j time together. How about (offer what you are ok with eg lunch a couple of times a year)?

op is not being weird and nasty, this woman is referring to herself as their grandmother !

When our nanny left us I felt quite hurt that she never checked in again, not a text, not an enquiry. I’m sure I was being silly about that but she didn’t seem to care for our family at all. Yours is the opposite. The job is one where you do actually bond with eachother. If she hasn’t gone on to another nannying position then maybe she does have a void left by caring for your children.

I actually don’t think you are unreasonable to feel uncomfortable. In your shoes I might too. But do remember she is a human.

I know families where the nanny ended up being extended family. It’s a healthy, positive thing.

You don’t actually need to put the boundary in- you were surprised by it, that’s all. If you really don’t want it, then just slow down the contact but- your DC love her and enjoy her company- that’s a good thing.

Knowing people move on but don’t disappear is really healthy for children. People who simply disappear from their lives leave a hole.

Well you sound quite unreasonable in my first reading of the post but then I remember we have this problem a bit too!

Things went a bit wrong with our nanny over COVID and she decided afterwards that she didn't want to work with us. But she does still keep in touch quite a lot. So far,so ok. But she thinks our well behaved ND child is a "naughty boy". So we don't really want to see her much. And he never wants to see her,surprisingly! So it issa bit messy and we always are on the back foot finding reasons not to meet up.

I'd also embrace it if there were "extra" caring & positive adults around my children as they were growing up. It's not every week - it's every few weeks & sounds like a "bonus" to me. Sounds soppy, but it's a harsh enough world out there, and someone else who is "good" for my children, I'd be ok with it (well I WAS ok with it, with a couple of our nannies/au-pairs who kept in touch for a while. Distance & time meant it fizzled out gently)
Although - if YOU'RE not comfortable with it - that's enough reason to withdraw, slowly or immediately. That's your choice.

Calling herself a grandmother IS overstepping, I agree - possibly remedied in-situ, maybe something like "Let's stick to "name" as it's confusing for the children as they've already got a grandma/s" or something along those lines

We’re still great friends with our old nanny who sends v thoughtful things to my DC, texts and we meet up every few months. I think it’s good for DC to have lots of trusted adults. DC have loving grandparents, aunties and uncles, older cousins, godparents too.

But you are not me. If you don’t like her then you stop. But to me it’s a shame.

Thanks all for your feedback. Just to reiterate that I do want her to remain close with my kids. What I feel uncomfortable with is:

1. calling her their grandmother
2. meeting and calling her family with my kids without notifying me in advance (sorry but I do not know or ever met her relatives why shall my kids?)
3. sending my kids on holidays with her (again I value this time as our family time).

Just quietly step back. Slower to respond to her messages etc. My old nanny got in touch a lot and I found the above worked

I'd stop thinking about how you feel about it for a a bit and think about how your children feel about it.

She looked after them for five years. I don't know how old your kids are but presumably that's a big percentage of their lives. They probably spent more time with her than with a lot of their own family. She's loved them and looked after them well, they in turn love her. They're happy and excited to see her. Why ruin that? Why take away someone they love, who loves them? I'd really look into why this is making you so uncomfortable. It sounds absolutely lovely to me!

If you genuinely, hand on heart, believe she's a danger to them in some way then of course stop the contact. If it's just that you're a bit jealous that they love and look forward to seeing someone else, I'd maybe explore those feelings before take something away from your kids that lost people would embrace with open arms.

If there are specific problems i.e. too many presents/facetime calls etc. I would very clearly communicate that you don't like that and she should stop. But the general idea of staying in touch with someone you love every few months and occasionally going to the theatre sounds absolutely wonderful for a child, doesn't it?

DD is 24 and still bumps into the nanny we had when she was a year old and I was at uni for a year! She continued to babysit and to meet up with us for coffee etc. I can understand your concerns though as we never had the overstepping of boundaries that you're experiencing.

Keep contact with Nanny, keep your DC calling her that. I certainly wouldn’t be leaving DC with her, unless it’s necessary. They’ve taken up a huge chunk of her life, so normal that she has introduced them to her family, but there’s no need for her to visit family with them or to go on holiday with her, but I expect if you ask your DC if they want this, they probably do.

Surely the issue with her family won't happen any more if you are just meeting up with her once every few months. Just go for a walk or have a coffee with her like you would for anyone you know. Same for the holidays.

Your dc aren't going to be sent on holiday with her again. She doesn't work for you now.

Who is she calling herself their grandmother to?

The only thing I found weird is the 'grandmother' name.

All the rest has happened with my nanny who was with us for 4 years.

On the holiday thing, our nanny did ask if she would be coming with us, as some of her previous employers had taken her with them.

Occasionally she would receive video calls from family and my DC would say hello, similar if I am on a zoom work call and they popped in. It's no big deal, well it wasn't for me.

I do see my old nanny now, we have a chat. It is fine.

The grandmother thing is inappropriate and can he addressed simply the way a pp has suggested.

Engaging with her wider family- personally I have no.issue with this. Our nanny woukd ask before taking dd to meet her mum, but I certainly wouldn't have minded if she hadn't. I trust her and that she would introduce my dd to.approprjate people.

Holiday- not.something that came up but my sisters nanny used to.take her kids.camping with her extended family. Everyone loved it.

My kids are 30 and 28. Our nanny that we had for 3 years when they were pre school is still friends with us. She was at my second wedding 2 years ago and at my daughter's wedding last year. I also went to both her weddings. It's a bit weird the grandmother but but not the friendship.

I know families where the nanny ended up being extended family. It’s a healthy, positive thing

That’s what happened with us. She stayed part of the family until she died in her 80s. She wasn’t ever regarded as anybody’s grandmother.

I can see why you felt it was time to end the employment, but I think lunch every couple months is good for your kids. Honorary grandmother etc.

Every 2 months doesn't seem excessive to me. If it was every week that would be different. She spent 5 years caring for them and was a big part of their lives. If your eldest wants to see them I'd embrace it. If you think she poses a threat or something, that's different.

Just to add, my friend's nanny became like part of the family. She was at my friend's wedding, met her new baby etc. I've always thought it was lovely.

Oh I see - then just tell her you don’t like the honorary granny thing