Relations with nanny after she leaves

[skyfly]

Hi, I’m struggling to establish the appropriate boundaries with the nanny who worked for us for almost 5 years. We do appreciate all what she did for our kids and the level of care she provided. But in the last year or so of her employment, our concerns grew re boundaries between her and our kids. She started to introduce them to her family by video calls and meetings for coffee (only informing me about it post factum), frequently gave presents, called herself their grandmother etc. So we parted our ways in the most agreeable way possible but she still insists on seeing our kids every 2 months, inviting us to visit her and sending numerous texts. When we do eventually see each other, she overwhelms our kids with gifts and invitations to visit her, go to the theatre together etc. My elder one really gets excited and wants to do it but I feel incredibly uncomfortable. As I said we had trusted our nanny for long time, but I do not feel this level
of emotional attachment is appropriate. It seems like she desperately wants the grandchildren and fills the void with my kids . I do not know how to politely explain it to her without hurting her feelings. Any advice is appreciated.

They're your kids. If you're not comfortable with the relationship, for whatever reason, it's your prerogative to stop contact altogether or set boundaries that you're comfortable with. If she isn't happy to accept those boundaries, then you will have to make a decision about whether your concerns warrant terminating the relationship altogether.

Personally, I felt very differently from you, and I was hugely grateful for the fact that our old nanny became so attached to our dd. We regard her as extended family and I see her as one of my closest friends. My dd will always have a special bond with her and I wouldn't in any way want to get in the way if that.

It doesn't matter what others think or feel, though. If you don't feel comfortable with the status quo, change it.

If the children loved her, I think it's healthy that she remains in their lives. It's what has happened for us and has only been beneficial for the children. Having trustworthy adults who love them is a good thing. They go on day trips now and again. They meet extended family. However they don't go on holidays.

Obviously you wouldn’t let your children go to a foreign country without you, that is just basic safety ( unless you had all been together before, and even then….).

I would be inclined to ask your ex Nanny to stop suggesting this as it might be disappointing for DC to think they are getting a ‘holiday abroad’ which you then can’t allow.

i wouldnt say every couple of months is excessive. but if you find it is, just slowly lengthen the time inbetween. can just say we arent available between xxx date, but can do yyy date(and have it further away each time) and you can just ask that the kids call her xxx.
i have been a nanny for 22yrs now. and i have loose contact with some, esp the ones from the beginning of my nanny years as they live abroad. but i have others i have very good contact with. one family i was with 7.5yrs, the kids were 8,6 and nearly 4 when i left. they are now 19, nearly 17 and 14. i still see them regularly. i always take them out around their birthdays/xmas and i have random visits with them too. they say i am a family friend. another family i left end of october and was with 4yrs. the kids were 5, 5 and 7 when i left. and i have seen them 3 times since i left. the first time was a 1.5wks after i left we did a belated birthday dinner for the twins who turned 5 right before i left. then again in december i went there for dinner and we exchanged xmas presents. and then i saw them beginning of feb- i picked them up from school and took them out for pancakes before taking them home, and mum invited me to stay for dinner. i will prob arrange to see them some time around easter. over time it prob will get where the visits are more spaced, but i think its important

This. She's obviously bonded with them, I would hope if I had a nanny they would be like part of the family afterall they're your children's primary caregiver

You will hurt your children if you force a disconnection with their nanny. She has played a huge part in their lives and the children have responded with affection and trust. Those feelings for nanny are real - the children will be devastated if they lose contact with her.

Thanks, I’m aware of it and not planning to break their bond. I’m looking for an advice on how to put the healthy boundaries when she is over promising my kids to take them on holidays to her home country (sorry but I do not feel that’s appropriate) and make other arrangements without letting me know.

It’s your choice , but I would literally die for somebody to give a ounce of crap over my 4 children not even there dad cares for them or gives an ounce of crap dosent support them financially or physically, this would be my dream , I also don’t have friends , nor money to hire a nanny so think your self extremely lucky

You’re being weird and nasty.

I actually think you are being weird. Not even bringing up nasty.

Surely a mum is best placed to decide what is right for her own children.

Rip the band-aid off. They're young- they'll be fine. Your Spidey senses are there for a reason.

Why do you think this advice is helpful 2 years after the original post?

Been wierd and nasty ? And your been absolutly delusional and acting like you can’t read …. Clearly states at the start of my reply ITS YOUR CHOICE 😂😂😂😂 ?????? Think somebody needs specsavers tbh

because it’s my mum 😂😂😂😂😂😂 fool

@skyfly ak op is your mum @crazymamma000?

Your attitude seems a little over-possessive and mean-hearted to me. Of course she's attached after that long, have a good think about why it bothers you.

One of my best friends had a nanny as a child. Her children now call the nanny Gran. They visit her extended family, and the nanny came to stay when my friend’s dc were born. I think it’s lovely.

The mum who disregards her first born children has nothing to do with them !???? Then wants to play devoted mother when she has a second marriage and new kids . That mum

Ah right.

and you just managed to find this thread

hopefully you can have some kind of relationship with your younger siblings along with your kids and your mum

I was a nanny for someone who is just about to have a baby herself! Still in contact 36 yrs later.
I've actually kept in contact with about 80% of my nanny families. It's sad that you don't want this. Especially after she cared for your DC for 5 years.

That is your choice too - having 4 children with a rubbish dad is obviously a bad idea.

Am sorry hun we all don’t have a crystal ball do we or what your once loving husband is going to do when you split up , and they go on to live a new life but best father in world whilst been in a relationship with you ! Shut your bloody pie hole up

Am sorry hun we all don’t have a crystal ball do we or what your once loving husband is going to do when you split up , and they go on to live a new life but best father in world whilst been in a relationship with you ! Shut your bloody pie hole up