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Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

Relations with nanny after she leaves

72 replies

skyfly · 24/02/2024 07:33

Hi, I’m struggling to establish the appropriate boundaries with the nanny who worked for us for almost 5 years. We do appreciate all what she did for our kids and the level of care she provided. But in the last year or so of her employment, our concerns grew re boundaries between her and our kids. She started to introduce them to her family by video calls and meetings for coffee (only informing me about it post factum), frequently gave presents, called herself their grandmother etc. So we parted our ways in the most agreeable way possible but she still insists on seeing our kids every 2 months, inviting us to visit her and sending numerous texts. When we do eventually see each other, she overwhelms our kids with gifts and invitations to visit her, go to the theatre together etc. My elder one really gets excited and wants to do it but I feel incredibly uncomfortable. As I said we had trusted our nanny for long time, but I do not feel this level
of emotional attachment is appropriate. It seems like she desperately wants the grandchildren and fills the void with my kids . I do not know how to politely explain it to her without hurting her feelings. Any advice is appreciated.

OP posts:
mynameiscalypso · 24/02/2024 09:02

I'm 40 and still in touch with my childhood nanny. She came to my wedding and vice versa. I knew all of her family and went to her parents' funeral as well as her sister's.

tomago · 24/02/2024 09:03

skyfly · 24/02/2024 08:02

Thanks all for your feedback. Just to reiterate that I do want her to remain close with my kids. What I feel uncomfortable with is:

  1. calling her their grandmother
  2. meeting and calling her family with my kids without notifying me in advance (sorry but I do not know or ever met her relatives why shall my kids?)
  3. sending my kids on holidays with her (again I value this time as our family time).
  1. Tell your kids to call her something else.
  2. Why is she alone with your kids? If they turn up while you're with them then just say we're off now bye. Maybe stop visiting her?
  3. Then say no. Just keep saying no.
tomago · 24/02/2024 09:07

she still insists on seeing our kids every 2 months, inviting us to visit her and sending numerous texts. When we do eventually see each other, she overwhelms our kids with gifts and invitations to visit her, go to the theatre together etc. she can insist all she likes but you have the power to say no. Yes she might get upset but as long as she's not dangerous what's the issue.

AndThatWasNY · 24/02/2024 09:07

My granny had a nanny who she knew until the nanny died in her 90s and my granny was nearly 70. She knew her nanny longer than anyone else as lost her parents young.
Was such an important relationship.
The granny thing is off, everything else not
So obviously bonded with them, not many people get that relationship.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 24/02/2024 09:31

But the granny thing is off. It would have helped if you had stopped that as soon as it happened. "Please can you not refer to yourself as granny-it will confuse them". If it's still appropriate, try it now, as well as cutting down visits. Absolutely no extra relatives.

SheilaFentiman · 24/02/2024 10:37

I don’t really understand most of the responses. If this was the actual GM ie the OP’s DM or MIL, I think OP would be getting more sympathy about granny not checking with OP before getting the kids excited about theatre trips and going on holiday with her!

Original poster
skyfly · 24/02/2024 17:41

To kids, she says that I’m your third grandmother; let’s go on holidays to my home country together, it’s like visiting grandmother etc. To me, it sounds like overstepping boundaries but as I was branded as weird and nasty by some commentators here, I might be too sensitive.

OP posts:
Original poster
skyfly · 24/02/2024 17:43

Thank you for support! I guess not everyone understood my post. In no way I want her to be out of my kids life, just I struggle sometimes with blurry lines.

OP posts:
TheSnowyOwl · 24/02/2024 17:52

I would correct her every time she says about being a grandmother and explain to your children that she isn’t. The other issues you raise shouldn’t be a concern given she now presumably has to rely upon you permitting occasional contact with her but no chance of agreeing to a holiday.

pickledandpuzzled · 24/02/2024 18:13

How about calling her aunty? It’s a traditional name for an interested adult who isn’t actually family. I had many Aunties!

Wizardo · 24/02/2024 18:19

I think the Hired Help should know their place.

Blondeshavemorefun · 24/02/2024 18:28

I've always said a child can't have too many adults who love and care for them

Their heart grows with love

But I understand she seems to want to be more involved then you want

What did they call her when she was nanny

Assume wasn't grandmother so go back to that name

Book a date in the diary for 2/3mths time

Holidays. That's a no go - to her home country ? Abroad ? Without you ?

jannier · 24/02/2024 18:28

You gave someone charge of your young children for years presumably expecting them to show warmth and affection but seems to resent it was real and feel she's taken your place ....a nanny never takes your place (unless you disappear for months on end) your child can love her without loving you less. Effectively you sacked this woman and expected the relationship to end leaving your children grieving like the loss of a grandmother who was there effectively as much or more than you.

Original poster
skyfly · 24/02/2024 23:22

jannier · 24/02/2024 18:28

You gave someone charge of your young children for years presumably expecting them to show warmth and affection but seems to resent it was real and feel she's taken your place ....a nanny never takes your place (unless you disappear for months on end) your child can love her without loving you less. Effectively you sacked this woman and expected the relationship to end leaving your children grieving like the loss of a grandmother who was there effectively as much or more than you.

Well, it would have been all true if I have not maintained contact with her to date and do not allow their relationship to progress and flourish. My question was about setting boundaries and not hurting her feelings or excluding her from our life. The same way we do sometimes have to set boundaries with our own family, children and parents. I don’t think my post was well understood.

OP posts:
Original poster
skyfly · 24/02/2024 23:24

pickledandpuzzled · 24/02/2024 18:13

How about calling her aunty? It’s a traditional name for an interested adult who isn’t actually family. I had many Aunties!

That’s great idea, thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
skyfly · 24/02/2024 23:25

SheilaFentiman · 24/02/2024 10:37

I don’t really understand most of the responses. If this was the actual GM ie the OP’s DM or MIL, I think OP would be getting more sympathy about granny not checking with OP before getting the kids excited about theatre trips and going on holiday with her!

Thank you for support! I guess not everyone understood my post. In no way I want her to be out of my kids life, just I struggle sometimes with blurry lines.

OP posts:
strugglingnd · 24/02/2024 23:32

My friend had a nanny 25 years ago.The nanny is still a big part of the children's lives .She was the person who they spent time with as little people, and my friend acknowledged that!

Original poster
skyfly · 24/02/2024 23:33

SavBlancTonight · 24/02/2024 07:36

Why would you have an issue with another caring adult in your dc's lives? Someone who loves them and cares for them?

I do not.

OP posts:
GauntJudy · 24/02/2024 23:36

I could never be a nanny cos I know I know I would love the kids and want to be part of their lives forever.

I can see it from your pov too OP, she's promoted herself to family member.

I think there is a happy medium and its definitely not the video calls with family and "grandma" title. You'll just have to cool it from your side I think.

Original poster
skyfly · 24/02/2024 23:37

Thank you for feedback, I love and appreciate our nanny, I cherish her time with my kids and we meet up regularly. There are, however, certain aspects of this relationship that I find to be distorted, especially calling her grandmother or inviting my kids to go on holidays with her in her home country without the parents, like grandparents do. I wanted advice on how to explain it nicely to her without jeopardising our relationships.

OP posts:
Original poster
skyfly · 24/02/2024 23:38

strugglingnd · 24/02/2024 23:32

My friend had a nanny 25 years ago.The nanny is still a big part of the children's lives .She was the person who they spent time with as little people, and my friend acknowledged that!

Thank you for feedback, I love and appreciate our nanny, I cherish her time with my kids and we meet up regularly. There are, however, certain aspects of this relationship that I find to be distorted, especially calling her grandmother or inviting my kids to go on holidays with her in her home country without the parents, like grandparents do. I wanted advice on how to explain it nicely to her without jeopardising our relationships.

OP posts:
Original poster
skyfly · 24/02/2024 23:40

GauntJudy · 24/02/2024 23:36

I could never be a nanny cos I know I know I would love the kids and want to be part of their lives forever.

I can see it from your pov too OP, she's promoted herself to family member.

I think there is a happy medium and its definitely not the video calls with family and "grandma" title. You'll just have to cool it from your side I think.

Thank you for understanding! Exactly what I was asking advice on! How to get it back to happy medium without excluding her from our life!

OP posts:
DreadPirateRobots · 24/02/2024 23:43

My childhood nanny ended up much more my grandmother than the blood one, and yes, that's what I called her. She was family. In every way. If my parents had stood in the way of that relationship for selfish reasons... I would have lost so much. She died about ten years ago; I called her Granny until that day, and I still miss her now.

My own kids had a wonderful, wonderful nanny when they were small. She loves them, and they love her. Of course they do. She has spent hours and hours loving them, and I wouldn't have it any other way. She is family. I hope that never changes.

Lizzieregina · 24/02/2024 23:43

I had a family for 5 years, until the kids were 6 and 9, the kids are now 12 and 15 and I still see them several times a year. I don’t think I’m their granny though!

The last time I saw them, the girl (the younger) her eyes lit up when she saw me. It was very touching.

I’m sad that your former nanny has boundary issues because seeing my guys growing up is a huge blessing to me.

I still see a “kid” who’s 43 now. 😂. Very infrequently though.

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/02/2024 14:12

It's lovely keeping in touch with ex families - I started nannying in 1991

My first was 4mths and 5yrs and now they are 33 and 38 and both mums theirselves

Last family before I went into nights were 3/7/9 now 16/19/21

But difference is I'm not granny tho one friend still gets called nanny s or nanny a. But that was her name when working

Nanny is over stepping boundaries by wanting granny name and going on holiday

But if she wants to keep in touch ans see kids every few months it's nice