Can I get childcare to cover labour?

[AllTheBestNamesWereTaken]

This would mean having someone on-call 24/7 for up to 5 weeks and paid a retainer at least for this whole time. They’d need to stay local and be prepared to drop everything at a moment’s notice, quite possibly in the middle of the night. Is it realistic to think I could find someone prepared to do this?

Would childcare concerns be justification for a maternal request C-section do you think?

How about an older teen (or a couple to make sure at least one is available rather than having to keep 5 weeks completely free)? - my 17 yo DD would be very happy to do this

Your mum is behaving very badly. Tell her no she's not coming to the birth and you need her to have dd. She will either behave like a reasonable person and accept your word. Or she'll be a nightmare and strop about it and you'll be no worse off but at least without her hanging around.

hi @AllTheBestNamesWereTaken sorry haven’t read all the replies. Why can’t your mum look after your child? It sounds like this predicament is stressing you out, and having her sort your childcare will solve problems. A doula could be with you at birth instead of your mum: You will meet and get to know them in advance. You will need to pay, but cheaper than having babysitters on standby, then paying for potentially 48 hours.

If you are unable to find friends and family to watch your DD over the birth, and your mum is not reliable, I would not have a c-section - sounds like you won’t be able to find anyone to be there for you / DD for weeks, which is what you will need

@Dyslexicwonder she had the toddler in the room because she had no choice. What does labouring alone with no birth partner have to do with anything? You make it sound like the toddler was supposed to be her birth partner.

@Dyslexicwonder i was referring to @AWaferThinMint by the way not OP

Hi OP, you've got a while to make plans so don't panic just yet.

Honestly - ditch the idea of your mum helping out, she sounds next to useless. I would also veto the idea of her coming to the birth as well if I were you. If she gets arsey about it then say it's hospital policy post-covid or something.

You could plan for a home birth, but be warned, if you need to go in unexpectedly (like I did) then that could be very upsetting for your toddler as they'll have to be woken up and bundled in an ambulance with you.

What's your midwife team like? Could you have a word with them and ask for advice? It may be that they would be happy for you to bring toddler into hospital with you - our hospital has (well, had before covid) a sort of crèche/children's playroom and students watching over them.

It's not going to be a situation they won't have seen before and they'll be able to offer advice,

Sorry I read it as her DP was her birth partner and they had no third adult to watch the toddler. Obviously if you have no one else at all then you have no choice.

Your mother is being ridiculous, and it is really disappointing that she is behaving like this at such a time.

If she really won't reconsider, I would personally rather leave DP at home and deliver the baby alone (I would not allow my mother to be present if her shenanigans had prevented DP from being there). It's not ideal but all these agency plans sound stressful and insecure.

Thanks everyone. We actually are already planning a home birth but I’d like someone to cover childcare so that DH and I can focus entirely on birthing. I definitely don’t want DD to be present for many reasons and also want to be fully prepared for the possibility of transfer. I’m only just 12 weeks anyway and am aware that there are quite a few possible issues which could develop in the next 6 months which would make a home birth unadvisable anyway.

I agree that my mum is the best person. She is 72 but not in bad health and still works part-time. Obviously I realise she could die before the time comes or break a leg and be incapacitated, etc. Any of us could. I or the baby could die in that timeframe too making all this irrelevant anyway. If she does unexpectedly die right beforehand, I’d go into hospital alone. Not ideal but I’d do it if I had to. I don’t really feel I can have someone lined-up on a retainer for all that time just in case.

Childminders normally do this if you're already on their books. Same as other emergencies that come up it's a big advantage of them over nurseries but as you don't use one not many would do it especially as your down for nursery so obviously prefer that

I know it’s a really painful prospect but I’d cut your mum out as an option entirely here - I definitely wouldn’t have her at the birth nor would I ask her to watch the toddler. She sounds unutterably horrible and I wouldn’t want the stress of relying on her. I’d try really hard to find alternative childcare (and I genuinely believe nearly any mum you know even a little bit would do their absolute best to help you out here) and my backup plan would be DH staying at home while I laboured in hospital. I know that’s an imperfect solution but it sounds like anything would be better than having your mother play a key role here.

This, I agree with you.

Yep. That's the way it worked out. Thanks @Opine

@Dyslexicwonder it was all a bit quick and it was just what happened. H was with us too, she was fine. I wasn't screaming, it was all very calm, she wasn't traumatised. We arrived, I got in a pool, baby was born within 10 mins, midwife sorted us out and about an hour after baby was born my mum arrived and took her home.

Her only involvement was chatting with a lovely student doctor about getting a new baby 🤣

You'd still need childcare even with a home birth I'd have thought.

Toddler wants a snack, "in a minute mummy's......breathe......bu......breathe......sy......" "BUT I WANT ONE NOW!"

This is our plan with our immediate neighbours, except they don't have young children. The dote on my toddler and one of them happens to be a nursery practitioner so has happily come over for play dates at my toddler's invitation 😂

They'll sit in with toddler until family can arrive to step in.

Thanks everyone. I’ve spoken to two nanny agencies this morning and neither were particularly encouraging. This was good to confirm as my mum keeps implying I’m creating unnecessary difficulties.

Having spent limited time in the labour market herself, she seems to have this naive idea that if you pay people they will bow down and do virtually anything for you. Even for hiring someone afterwards, she doesn’t seem to appreciate that you would need to define hours and duties in advance and that it’s unrealistic to expect someone to be on-call to muck in and just do whatever turns out being needed when.

Do you have any friends with nannies?

im a nanny and have twice been on call for a family other then the one I’m working for at the time.
Both the nanny families were fantastic and we had an agreement that if the call came when I was at work, either the child would be brought to me or we would all go to them and if it came when outside work, the child would come to work with me.

First time the call came mid morning so me and nanny kids went and picked up J and he spent the rest of the day and the next day with us

second time the call also came mid morning and I picked up A then took her to my afternoon job with me

The most recent one was 18m ago and both sets of kids ask after the other one after only meeting for a day, it’s sweet!

I agree that my mum is the best person. She is 72 but not in bad health and still works part-time. Obviously I realise she could die before the time comes or break a leg and be incapacitated, etc. Any of us could. I or the baby could die in that timeframe too making all this irrelevant anyway. If she does unexpectedly die right beforehand, I’d go into hospital alone. Not ideal but I’d do it if I had to. I don’t really feel I can have someone lined-up on a retainer for all that time just in case.

Hang on, so you have a DH who could do it but instead unless she drops dead you've decided your mum must do it???
Your mum is making it very clear that she doesn't want to be the person that drops everything to look after a toddler in the middle of the night, and probably all day too.
Whilst it would be nice if grandparents wanted to mind their grandchildren and help out it isn't required of them...mine have had ds twice in the ten years he's been around and both of those as an older child 🤷🏽‍♀️
At the end of the day she's 72, you might judge her to be in good health but that doesn't mean she's capable of caring for a toddler for an extended time.
Could you make an arrangement where she could do the overnight bit, whilst dd is asleep then she or your dh could drop her round to a local childminder for the day. That might make her feel better.

she seems to have this naive idea that if you pay people they will bow down and do virtually anything for you. Even for hiring someone afterwards, she doesn’t seem to appreciate that you would need to define hours and duties in advance and that it’s unrealistic to expect someone to be on-call to muck in and just do whatever turns out being needed when.

And yet this is all what you are expecting her to do, unpaid.

@AllTheBestNamesWereTaken nanny agencies are placing people for full time or part time permanent work. this isn't really their bag.

When I said agency I meant a babysitting agency. we subscribe to a local babysitting agency whose workers are mostly retired people and students who are looking for occasional casual work for extra cash without commitment. whenever we go out they arrange a babysitter for us with no fuss. we also used them one time to provide a posse of babysitters for all our friends when we hosted an adults-only party. If I was in your position this agency would have dozens of people on their books and would be able to ring round and find someone available immediately when the time came.

Surely there is a difference between having family members help out and hiring someone as a paid employee though?

The simplest and best arrangement is to get your Mum to look after your DD. Unless you have a reliable friend or relative I don't think any of these other schemes are workable or even reliable.,

This is very strange. Both sets of GP were on board for toddler duty when I gave birth - wasn't even a second thought as toddlers emotions were at the top of my thought process.

@icanwearwhatiwant she is incapable of/doesn’t want to look after her grandchild but insists on being in a Labour room uninvited.
What does she want to be there for if grandchildren aren’t really her thing. Makes no sense does it.
Shes spiteful & self serving. Her daughter is seriously considering major surgery to pander to her whims. Crap, unnecessary situation. I’d never do this to my DD.

What about a home birth?