Paying Grandparents for part time childcare

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So, hypothetical question here as we aren't pregnant just preparing to TTC this coming year.

My mum has said a few times that she would give up work once she had her first grandchild (I'm an only child) to care for them about 3 days a week. She's in a well paid job she gets paid by the day but doesn't usually get work every day its random when she gets called (like bank nurses). She HATES working and always has, the field she works in is getting harder and harder to work in, and she wants out in the next few years before the stress makes her ill.

I couldn't afford to pay her 3 days a week of her usual wages (like 150-180 per day) as that's more than i get paid per week but couldn't afford nursery either. So me and DH would do compressed hours to get a day off each and DM would do the other 3 days which is what we have discussed so far. We wouldn't be considering TTC if my DM hadn't made this offer as we know it wouldn't be responsible as we couldn't afford it, so her doing this is making us having children actually possible. We would take a full year shared parental leave so DM would start caring when DC was 1.

What do you think is fair to pay a grandparent who cares for a grandchild 3 days a week and is voluntarily giving up a job to do so? My dad pays enough to cover their living expenses so what she earns is just fun money.

I was thinking when the time came to pay for all her petrol for the month so she can take DC anywhere she likes without being out of pocket and then cover all her own travel too, to do about £200 on supermarket reloadable card a month for the shop near her house (mostly for her own shopping but also just in case she ran out of something small for DC). Then maybe £100 cash for herself too? And then I'd cover things like soft play or baby groups she took DC to. We would provide all food and nappies etc and if DM came to care in our home (she said she'd do a mix of both ours and hers) we'd feed her too obvs.

What do you think is fair? Am I being a CF or planning on paying too little? I Darent TTC until I can definitely afford to pay for everything as finances stress me too much.

What happens if your DMs circumstances change sometime between you getting pregnant and any resulting child turning 1? It seems a bit risky to rely on one specific persons ability to care for your child.

Have you factored in things like child benefit, tax free childcare payments, into your cost calculations? Also, a child minder may well be cheaper than a nursery.

It is so tricky to rely on parents help for childcare but it sounds like your mum is happy with the arrangement. Why not talk it through with her? The more you can have a shared understanding of expectations the better. Also discuss what happens if she is sick, when she might want to go on holiday?

I think it sounds reasonable as Plan A, but that you need a rock solid Plan B that you can afford in case it doesn't work out or she changes her mind.

I wouldn't get into this with relatives.

Once you pay it changed the dynamic of the set up. Ie would you pay tax and pension? What happens if she's sick ? Would you pay her ?
It would require a lot of compromise.

On compressed hours how will you and your H both do this with a child. This means longer day for you both you have to be present for your child at start and end of day - obviously! But for a 1yo that can mean finishing work earlier rather than longer hours. Not saying it's not doable but for you both to do it needs working out

What happens if your Mum is ill for 6 months?
What happens if you aren’t happy with the care she is providing?

If you are preparing to TTC you need to find alternative childcare - look at tax free childcare and saving hard now to cover until free 30 hours come in and if you able to get 15 free hours. Include cost of child benefit. Make you need to consider moving to a cheaper property.

Yes this is something that worries me too but if I want children I think its a risk I have to take. She's been saying it for years and I also want to help her get out of the job she hates.
I get quite generous annual leave so wouldn't be an issue to book off holiday or take dependent leave when my mum wanted to go on holiday or if she was ill etc. And I wfh so can be fairly flexible if mum needs to leave early or feels unwell. I think its about as good as I'm going to get tbh!
There are 2 childminders in my village, 1 is retiring next year and the other is more expensive than the nursery. Even with tax free etc we couldn't afford official childcare for that much time every week until they're 3 and get the 30 hours unfortunately:(

You need a rock solid Plan B. She could change her mind, have a change in health or circumstances or you might find her overbearing and regret it. If you definitely can't afford a child without her on two incomes I'd assume you will be entitled to some help- check the entitledto website. I earned 19k as a single parent working FT but was entitled to a lot of help with childcare. It was really tough to survive on it even with the help but if having a child is that important to you then you can do it, but def make sure rather than relying solely on your mum

We've did this (not because we couldnt afford it but because grandma day care was preferable) and paid her close to what we'd have paid a nursery. We did it for 10 months, that was always the arrangement. You need to work out if you can afford a Plan B because you never know what might happen - illness, change of mind, twins, birth issues.

Also if she wants out of that job she needs to do that for herself. That's not on you

I wouldn’t pay less than the minimum wage. Covering expenses like petrol, food, and activities has to be on top of that.

so you are massively under budgeting for child care. You also need to prepare for the fact that even if she agrees to your proposed rates, she might become unavailable for any number of reasons. You need to be prepared to pay the prevailing rates for child care in your area at a moments notice.

She's been saying it for years and I also want to help her get out of the job she hates.

Saying she will look after grand or grandchildren (you could have multiples) and actually doing it are 2 very different things. Looking after young children is exhausting, and the reality may be very different from what she imagined. If she hates her job why hasn't she tried to find something else?

If you can't afford children without her help then you need to look at changing your job, housing, outgoings etc because having a child and relying on her is a huge risk and one that could ruin your relationship.

*Grandchild

Ah if only there was an edit button

If you can’t afford to pay nursery with tax free childcare then you cannot afford to pay her 20% below the going rate.

you need to come up with a figure you can afford, and then see whether you think it’s reasonable.

I wouldn't. Paid or not.
You won't think about it now but you'll be so beholden as she ages. SIL has found that out to her cost. And there's no special GP relationship. Quite the opposite as the DC have become teens.

I'm not a fan of using grandparents for childcare. It feels even more uncomfortable for me here as if the arrangement doesn't work out then you have no plan b to fall back on (as you cant afford childcare) so the pressure is all on your mum to keep up the arrangement even if its not working for either party.

We wouldn't be considering TTC if my DM hadn't made this offer as we know it wouldn't be responsible as we couldn't afford it,

So what happens if six months in your mum says, ‘I’m really sorry but I can’t do this anymore because of X reason,’ what happens then? It’s great that she’s willing to help out but I think you need to have some sort of solid back up plan

I suggest that you have a "hypothetical" conversation about this with your DM now, to get an idea what she has in mind, given that her own plans, with no prompting from you, are to give up work and help look after her first grandchild. I think it's extremely unlikely that she sees this hypothetical scenario as a way of providing an alternative income.

Just ask her outright, pointing out that you couldn't possibly pay her enough to replace her lost income, and take it from there.
You might find that she doesn't actually envisage being paid at all, or that she would be very happy to be paid enough to cover all the related expenses. Whatever her reply, it would be a great starting point for you to work from.

Because this scenario is all in the future, rather than imminent, I would have thought that it would be quite an easy and relaxed conversation to have now.

BTW, speaking as a GP, I think that what you are thinking at the moment is extremely (ie. overly) generous, but it does depend on what financial situation your DM will be in if she gives up her current job, and that will depend on things such as whether she will then have other income such as a private pension, or has a partner who will be happy to support her .

Just have that conversation soon

How old is she? Consider what happens when (if) you want child number 2 as well.

my parents looked after my eldest for 2 days a week but then soon requested to cut that back to 1 day a week (the rest of the time he was in nursery).

What happens when ur mum is sick, goes on holiday, the kids are sick, her own health deteriorates?

I found fam looking after the kids wasn't feasible. I have a professional job and need reliable child care. No can't be beholden to fam as to when I take my annual leave.

Get a professional device and suggest she helps at weekends to help u relax and do

I've read threads on here where the grandparent changed their mind because they found it hard and had been looking at things with rose tinted glasses or expected to be able to look after their grandchild around their social life so booking random holidays or expecting to be able to cancel last minute and change their day with grandchild.

Are you definite that the offer is no strings attached and she understands that you are asking her to keep those days until the child goes to school ? Has your mum looked after a toddler recently ? Does she agree with you on parenting specifics like not smacking or weaning until 6 months ? This often ends up a major sticking point because some nans will bring up their grandchild like their child and be offended when asked to do things differently.

Also how is your mum's health? Would she look after a child who might be contagious with something like d&v or chicken pox?

I had a very similar conversation with my MIL before having DS1 She was very keen to childmind but quite insulted that we wanted to pay her, she said it was a privilege and that she was flattered that we had asked her.
She did 4 days for us even when we had our 2nd. We didn’t pay her as such but would treat her and her friend to a holiday, filled her car with fuel, bought her supermarket shop and would go overboard at Christmas and birthdays with luxuries that she wouldn’t buy herself.
It worked really well for us and our boys have a really strong bond with her even now they are adults..
Good luck OP, I hope it all works out for you.

Don’t forget that grandparents can claim NI credits if they are providing childcare. DM looked after mine 3 days a week around school while I worked and this meant that she managed to top her NI contributions up to the maximum accounting for several years she had previously missed. It made a substantial difference to her state pension - although she only managed to claim that for less than a year before she passed away.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/national-insurance-credits-for-adults-who-care-for-a-child-under-12-fact-sheet/specified-adult-childcare-credits-fact-sheet

Is a nursery or professional childminder going to do look after a contagious child?🤔

DMs current job is working with young children and those with SEN so I'd say she's pretty well equipped and knows what she's offering - no rose tinted glasses here she has always been upfront how hard it is but she would rather do it for her own GC.

She knows she would be offering until they go to school. She's early fifties, in good health generally and always hated smacking etc - I will raise my kids very similar to how she raised me (I was smacked as a child and so was she, but both by our dad's, and she disagrees with it completely). In terms of weaning and stuff she'd be taking DC once they were 1 so they can have cows milk and solids and whatnot by that age anyway. I find it unlikely we would run into issues there as she's always been good with child development, allergies etc as I had allergies as a child. She would be fine looking after an ill child , as she has an immune system of steel from working with kids her whole life and doesn't get ill but I'd never ask her to anyway. If her or DC was ill I'd take emergency parental leave (my job is pretty flexible and I wfh anyways). If she was ill long term, I'd of course put DC in a nursery or childminders but I'd take an evening job waiting tables or something while DH is home to pay for it. (I'm not in a career where I could just quit and then come back in a few years very easily so quitting my day job wouldn't work).

She has all the NI credits she needs for full state pension so isn't bothered about that, and owns other investments that pay out to her and will be her "pension" without going into details that would ID me. As I say she knows what she's offering and this has been her plan for a long time.

There's no other areas we can cut back on, we have already cut back everywhere to grow our savings pot for this stage of our lives and we live in the cheapest house in the cheapest (but safe) area.