Paying Grandparents for part time childcare

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So, hypothetical question here as we aren't pregnant just preparing to TTC this coming year.

My mum has said a few times that she would give up work once she had her first grandchild (I'm an only child) to care for them about 3 days a week. She's in a well paid job she gets paid by the day but doesn't usually get work every day its random when she gets called (like bank nurses). She HATES working and always has, the field she works in is getting harder and harder to work in, and she wants out in the next few years before the stress makes her ill.

I couldn't afford to pay her 3 days a week of her usual wages (like 150-180 per day) as that's more than i get paid per week but couldn't afford nursery either. So me and DH would do compressed hours to get a day off each and DM would do the other 3 days which is what we have discussed so far. We wouldn't be considering TTC if my DM hadn't made this offer as we know it wouldn't be responsible as we couldn't afford it, so her doing this is making us having children actually possible. We would take a full year shared parental leave so DM would start caring when DC was 1.

What do you think is fair to pay a grandparent who cares for a grandchild 3 days a week and is voluntarily giving up a job to do so? My dad pays enough to cover their living expenses so what she earns is just fun money.

I was thinking when the time came to pay for all her petrol for the month so she can take DC anywhere she likes without being out of pocket and then cover all her own travel too, to do about £200 on supermarket reloadable card a month for the shop near her house (mostly for her own shopping but also just in case she ran out of something small for DC). Then maybe £100 cash for herself too? And then I'd cover things like soft play or baby groups she took DC to. We would provide all food and nappies etc and if DM came to care in our home (she said she'd do a mix of both ours and hers) we'd feed her too obvs.

What do you think is fair? Am I being a CF or planning on paying too little? I Darent TTC until I can definitely afford to pay for everything as finances stress me too much.

Would she be willing to do your childcare if you have more than one DC?

I would have a back up plan incase it doesn't work out. I wonder suggest the going rate of a similar situation so similar to a nanny

Don't rely on it, circumstances could change. You could find more affordable care with a child-minder than nursery or dm day rate. You may find compressed hours too much.

Are things already tight financially? Is saving ahead of ttc possible to have a buffer for first few years?

DMs current job is working with young children and those with SEN

So she works with young children and those with SEN but also the field she works in is getting harder and harder to work in, and she wants out in the next few years before the stress makes her ill.

What happens if your child has additional needs, or she finds the 1-1 care of a young child stressful? Even if she works with young children there may still be an element of rose tinted glasses with how much nicer lookinger a grandchild will be.

It may all work out wonderfully and there are no problems, but these situations have the potential to cause resentment and arguments, especially as it's going to be several years, and possibly more than one grandchild.

I would talk to her now about money etc so you're on the same page.

You do need a plan b though, anything could happen in the next couple of years- your mum being healthy, willing and able to do childcare could change at any moment.

If you and DH are working compressed hours, that would presumably be much longer hours than her normal job?

I would be really cautious about this arrangement. At minimum, do not yet your mum give up her job until you've proven that looking after a DC all day for 3 days a week isn't too much for her. And remember that toddlers are generally harder than newborns.

I'd be very worried that you are saying you can't otherwise afford childcare. It puts huge pressure on the arrangement to work. Again, as minimum, try to save what you can before you have the baby so you have something to fall back onto.

She loves the actual working with kids part and it's what she wants to do, it's the beaurocracy, things not being done properly by management, staff shortages and therefore leaving staff vulnerable or ill equipped (yes this has all been reported), bullying management, the never ending list of expectations from authorities when all the funding is being cut, etc etc .

Also, we have discussed this and would only have 1 child at least until the other is in nursery 3 days a week on the 30 hours, or is at school, or we could afford to fund independently (I'm currently on a career growth path so in 5 years could be earning double what I am now)

Your five year plan could be significantly disrupted by one if not two ml. Could you wait another five years?

Please be careful. My mum offered the same to us and in the end she stopped as she had forgotten how intense a 1 year old is. Look at childminders - are very reasonable and take the 20% government discount. It's great if she really will but you need a plan B.

She might be healthy now OP but that can change or heaven forbid she gets hit by a bus. Yeah, it might not happen but you to need to be realistic and think about the what ifs x

Look at tax free childcare. Childminders are cheaper than nursery as well.
My mother in law always talked about how she would help out with childcare one day a week when my dh and I had kids. When it came to it she she said she didn’t want to it as it was too much of a commitment, but didn’t mind one offs now and then. I’m pretty pleased now as we have very different parenting styles and views so worked out fine.

Yes -this. If you're young enough to progress up the career ladder before having children this will be much easier.
Also, don't underestimate how much looking after small children can take out of you. Maybe your baby will sleep through the night at an early age and be a model toddler. Or maybe you will be permanently exhausted, your brain will turn to mush and it will take all your energy just to do your existing job especially if you are working compressed hours, never mind thinking about promotions. And, if your mum is already doing 3 days a week childcare, you wont (or shouldn't) use her as a babysitter to give yourself a break.

I think you need a couple of years nursery fees saved if the arrangement with your mother doesn't work out, as you have said you wouldn't be able to currently afford it and you never know what might happen

If your mum is early 50's and you're only early on in your career, you must be reasonable though, mid 20's? Would you be better to wait a couple of years, get more established in your career, build up some savings and have a higher paying job to back to? Then if your mum takes on childcare and it works, great, if not, you're not up shit creek.

I would have a conversation with your mum and honestly discuss all the situations - money, holidays, what happens if she changes her mind (E.g. notice you'd need to find a childcare place).

My MiL has our DD5 and DD3 one day a week (school run only for DD5) and has done since I went back to work when my eldest was 1. We offered to pay her but she refused anything and anytime circumstances have changed (having our second child, her income dropping when she fully retired, when she was unwell with covid for months) we have rediscussed the plan and offered to pay her/make alternative arrangements for childcare e.g. extra day at nursery if she didn't want both children, taking leave when she was ill and planning for alternative childcare to replace her childcare day if her covid illness had continued beyond the 4 months it did.

Reasonably young*

For the love of god can we have a bloody edit button

Not wanting to sound unkind, but you may want to have a bit of a re-think about when you have dc if you can't afford nursery fees. We left dd with dm 1 day a week. She was similar to your mum at the time, in her 50's and fit and well. There's no way I would have asked her to do more than that, it's full on looking after small children. There's also the issue of if your dm is ever unwell or on holiday. 1 day is much easier to cover than 3.

My Mum provided part time childcare for my sister. She was as fit as a fiddle, strong, capable and a fantastic grandparent. Sadly she was diagnosed with cancer in her early 60s with no symptoms. A routine mammogram picked it up and when they scanned her it was everywhere, literally everywhere in her body. From diagnosis to dying was less than 3 months. To say this was a shock is an understatement.

You always need a plan B. Your Dad could become ill and she needs to care for him, she could be injured in a car accident. Hope for the best and plan for the worst.

OP what is the combined salary currently of you and dh? What is your mortgage/rent? Posters can probably advise some help with this knowledge

You, your DH, your DM and DF need to have a conversation to set our expectations of this before the baby is on the way. There seems to be a confusing overlap of wants. It can work really well, so long as you are all on the same page. Things I'd be wondering:

Your mum wants out of her job, fair enough, your dad earns enough to cover them both, great. Why isn't she leaving the job now? Why wait until you have a baby? Is it that she actually does need an income and is relying on you paying her after she leaves her job?

Is the situation going to be grandma babysitting grandchild, or your mother providing childcare? There's a big difference. For example, how much say do you want to have in how they spend their time, what they eat, when they sleep, where and how often they go out? If you want to be in charge of all of that, it's childcare and you are paying for it. If your mother is in charge then surely she's just babysitting and you don't need to pay except to cover expenses.

If you are going to pay your mother as a childminder, what about tax, NI, paid leave? What about insurance for her in case she is responsible for your child having an accident?

Finally, what's your dad's part in this? It's your mum offering the care, partly in her home, is your dad also going to be there? Does he ever work from home and need quiet?

In terms of payment. For babysitting I'd provide the baby's food, nappies, etc, and cover costs. For childcare, I'd pay half of the going rate. If you pay more than half, you may as well get professional childcare so that your child benefits from socialisation with other children and professionally trained supervisors.

I think instead of paying for fuel, supermarket cards, entertainment etc I would just pay a flat rate. £40 a day maybe, though I've just pulled that figure out of the air. Essentially, I'd want to pay significantly less than a childminder or nursery. And you would pay a childminder or nursery their fee minus 20% with tax free childcare. Don't forget you're doing her a favour too!

Have you siblings that might have children?

God no! I know a lovely mother of my friend, she helps with all her grandchildren (6) way more than most and she couldn’t commit to a 3 day every week until her grandchildren turned 3. May be ok the first year, then terrible 2s hit, toddlers are exhausting and I’m 36. Just no!