What to do about our au pair stealing?

[aupairhelp]

We've had au-pairs since DS1 (now almost 2) was a few months old. At first, we just needed an extra pair of hands around the house as DW and I (DH) both work from home and run our own business. We're always at home but need to be able to dip in and out of work to keep the lights on, so to speak. Most of our AP (au-pair) experience has been great and we still speak regularly to two of our three previous APs. Our second AP wasn't ideal as we didn't feel we could fully trust her (she would lie about little things) so we gave her several months notice and supported her finding another family.

Our latest AP started with us about a month and a half ago. She's been taking care of DS1 and occasionally DS2, who is now 5 months old but rarely both at the same time as DW and I have been balancing DS2 with work most of the time but this has started to get very difficult for us to manage. The few times our AP has had both, it's seemed like she was struggling and in general, it's seemed lately that she's been struggling with just DS1 on his own a little. We've been considering our options lately for additional childcare as we've realised two young kids is too much for one AP and so have been looking into local nurseries and childminder services for DS1 so that AP would just need to take care of DS2, who at 5 months old, is a lot easier to take care of than a full-of-energy 2 year old.

However, DW started to get little worried earlier this week because she noticed that DS1 seemed to be a little afraid of AP at times. He wasn't going to her for hugs like he does with us, our previous APs, helpers at creche etc. On top of this, his language development seems to have slowed down a bit - that could just be from a cold or sore teeth (rear molars might be coming through). During term time, he usually has a couple of hours at a creche several days a week but that's not been happening lately. We were worried that he was missing out so contacted the creche and they put us in touch with a girl that's been doing some babysitting during the holidays. She took him out every day for a couple of hours and he seemed to love her. DW asked her about hugging and she said he'd been really warm and happy to hug and be picked up. This worried us even more in regards to our AP.

Sorry for the long background info but I felt it was necessary as, as a result of the above, I decided to hide a camera in our lounge, just to be on the safe side. I had a spare one that I'd been meaning to mount on the outside of our house a while ago, so I balanced it on a bookshelf and semi-hid it with some cards that were already on the shelf. I've never felt the need to monitor the insides of my house before and I feel uncomfortable with recording anyone surreptitiously but the odd behaviour of DS1 convinced me it was worth checking. I figured I'd run it for a few days or a week, to get an idea of what was going on when we weren't looking and then take it down or, if there was anything concerning, consider wall mounting one properly and telling anyone that comes in that there's a camera there. The camera covers the play area in our lounge and the dining area part of our kitchen. I put it up overnight on Thursday but only set it up digitally around midday on Friday so it's not been running long and has only recorded half a day of her working. I scanned through that briefly on Friday night and, although she was glued to her phone and barely interacted with DS1, I didn't see anything outright alarming. DS1 was happily running around playing and she was sometimes out of line of sight for longer than I'd like but it seemed ok. She did come over and smile at him at one point, which set my mind at ease a little as I'd been worried she might have been cold with him as she's often quite negative (glass is half empty kind of person).

Anyway, tonight I thought I'd check the camera again to make sure it was working properly, ready for the first full day tomorrow. I glanced back through today (Sunday) and saw that there was some motion detected around the time DW and I took DS1 and DS2 out for about half an hour. I thought it would just be the dogs pacing, upset that we were out but I saw AP come in, look around to see if anyone else was around and then reach up to the bookshelf the camera was in. My heart froze for a second because I thought she might find the camera but then I saw that she'd picked up some cash we had lying on a high up shelf further down the bookcase (from when DW sold a baby rocker and some other baby things that we didn't need anymore). She rifled through it and took what looked like to be £10 and pocketed it. From her behaviour, it didn't look like this was the first time she'd done this and before taking it, it looked like she double checked that we weren't in. I don't know how much she's taken in total but I believe it's more than £10 that's missing but not massively more.

Again, sorry for the long story, but I needed to write this down as I'm not sure what to do about it. I've not told DW yet as she's asleep but I'm all wound up as a result of this all. It's not about the money, it's about the act. I'm just shocked that she would do this.

As I'm sure it'll be asked; we pay what we believe to be above the going rate for APs, based on what we've seen on other family's profiles and AP told us that we're paying her about 50% more than she got at her last family. We live in a nice location, our AP's room is a lovely room (freshly redecorated two years ago) with a nice double bed, lots of light, new TV, air con unit and we gave her a new iPhone to use with unlimited data, all the entertainment subscription services. She has one of our bank cards (for an account we set up just for AP needs) that she can use for buying groceries or any food she wants, we prepare her food most evenings and we buy her takeaway most Friday and Saturday nights unless she's out and we've always welcomed our APs to spend time with us, watching shows and films with us if they want, that kind of thing. Of course, she doesn't have to pay for any bills. She works for about 7 hours a day Monday-Friday with no evening or weekend work (starts at about 8 and finishes at 5 but has a 2-3 hour break when DS1 has his nap). We don't ask her to do any cleaning (we have a weekly cleaner) but we'd expect her to do normal household things like loading or unloading the dishwasher, wiping down the surface after use, that kind of thing. I don't think we're asking too much and we've always tried to be as welcoming as possible.

Has anyone gone through anything remotely similar? Any advice on what we should do about this? It's complicated because she lives with us and it's going to be hard living with someone we can't trust. She's not mentioned anything about needing extra money or having any debts etc, so I'm not sure what to think. I think we need to let her go, as you can't get that trust back, but this is her home at the moment, so just knee-jerk reacting and kicking her out doesn't seem right as she'll have nowhere to go. Although we've started looking into alternative childcare already, we're in very early stages right now as we were planning a little further ahead and we haven't worked out all the details on cost etc. I plan on keeping the camera up and watching it more carefully over the next few days and will obviously discuss all this with DW tomorrow but I'd value any input anyone might have.

Apologies for being so long winded - I'm a little worked up right now and wanted to be clear on the facts and what led us here. First time post on here so have done my best to get the abbreviations right.

If she's stealing from you, how the hell do you trust her with your child? You clearly aren't happy with her.

Seriously if she's prepared to steal, why are you concerned about her ending up homeless. She will be well aware that if she gets caught stealing, that's what will happen. That's her choice.

Don't be a mug about this. She isn't your responsibility to parent. Confront her and report to the police, to cover yourself.

I would want anyone in my home abusing my trust that much.

You just need to get rid of her. Pay her a months notice. Don’t raised the stealing with her.

Stealing is gross misconduct. She took the risk and stole from you. Suggest you get rid ASAP.

You are good employers. She is getting a great deal. Unfortunately she is not providing adequate childcare. I would not trust her not to neglect a non-verbal 5 month old or a 2 year old who is now wary of her.

On top of that, she is a thief. She has no integrity. What else will she do if she is prepared to steal? She will lie and lie again.

You need to get her out of the house asap without telling her about the camera.

Get your alternative childcare in place and then tell her that you and your wife have decided that your dcs need a different type of childcare. I would act cold, like I know something but cannot say it. Hopefully she will get the gist and not probe, just get out of there. Say that you have family coming over and need her room back asap and so you are paying for her to stay at hotel for 3 weeks. That should be enough time for her to find another family.

Good luck. I have had aupairs for 10 years. Patchy experience but none of them were thieves. You are very unlucky.

Au Pair UK is max 30 hours a week and would like to know if they are supposed to have sole care of a baby?
If the child is asleep and they are in sole charge that is legally not a break of their responsibility, the baby could require immediate attention for any unforeseen medical reason. You are potentially abusing the status of au pair so there's a whole lot to discuss about everything you are posting. You need to discuss this further with the registered agency you used.

If you need to covertly film someone in your home then that in itself is a huge red flag. You don’t trust her so you absolutely must let her go. Never mind the £10, it is your children who are at risk here.

Personally I have never used Nannie’s or APs as there is no one to keep them in line. A regulated childcare centre is the only option I was ever comfortable with, mostly because I have worked as a baby and know full well what some/a lot get up to.

• as a nanny 😂

In our contract, we have a 12 week notice period. We went with a long one because we'd rather have long term au-pairs and both didn't want to be stuck looking for cover on short notice if it was given to us and also wanted to give anyone outgoing enough time to find a family they were happy with. It does have a clause that allows for immediate termination in the case of serious misconduct or serious circumstances though. Without bringing up the stealing, it'd likely be 12 weeks but we could likely just pay her the whole thing as gardening leave and ask her to leave asap.

The only times our APs are in complete sole charge is if they've taken the boys out of the house, for a walk, to a nearby playground, the local library etc. This has only meant DS2 two or three times for a short walk. Usually it's just DS1 and it's always just somewhere local, nearby home so we aren't ever far away. At least one, usually both of DW and I are at home at all times. On average, it's not been more than 30 hours a week as DS1 has had creche and playgroups which are drop off for most days of the week - usually 2 hours a day.

It’s a tricky situation because you can’t legally film someone without telling them. She got caught stealing from you but you can’t accuse her without revealing you filmed her.

Two things. You cannot have a thief in your house, not even as a visitor, let alone looking after your child.

And the other thing is that you are totally out of order giving an Au Pair 35 hours of work a week. You need to hire a nanny if that is what you want.

Let her go, following the terms of your contract.

However...

You've filmed her without telling her 🙈

A 2 year old and a 5 month old 8-5 Monday to Friday is way too much for an au pair. You need to stop trying to use cheap childcare and either pay for a nanny or a nursery that the au pair takes them to/picks up from. If you and your partner are working, you are not looking after the children; therefore you need to use paid childcare for the hours you are working. Your au pair is working the hours of a qualified nanny with the responsibility of a nanny for the pay of an au pair. That is completely out of order.

I did check before I put up the camera that it was legal to do so. It appears that it is legal, be it hidden or not, provided the camera is in a common area of the house. I do agree that morally, it's not fair to film someone without their knowledge though, which is why I only put it up after being concerned about DS1's change in behaviour.

In regards to the hours, I can't edit my original post but I did miss out the usual playgroup that DS1 goes to which is for at least 2 hours a day. AP's break while DS1 is napping is usually 2-3 hours, usually on the longer side, and most days, DS1 goes to the playgroup. So 8-5 with both those breaks taken out is 5 hours for a 'normal' day with a short nap for DS1. We have recently realised that it's going to be come too much for an AP with DS2 starting to need help as well, which is why we had started to look at alternative options.

Yeah, you have to let her go. How you do it is your choice. I would tell her the truth but can understand why you may want to avoid the unpleasantness of it all.

I'd say you are aware money has gone missing and you would like her to leave. I'd give two weeks paid notice and start looking for a new au pair. And I wouldn't leave her alone with children again.

So whilst DS is at playgroup, either you or your partner are not working and have the baby?

Where is the baby when DS is napping?

Can the AP go out and do her own thing when DS is at playgroup or napping? If not, it's not really a break and they're working.

I’m afraid you have given way too much responsibility to an aupair.

It sounds like she literally doesn’t have the knowledge and experience to be trusted running your household when you’re not there.

Sorry to say this but this is basically on you. I hope you manage to get better more reliable childcare as soon as possible!!

Lol ok so you’ve caught the au pair stealing, on the phone the whole time and your child is petrified of them but you’re dithering over keeping them on. Ffs get a grip

Get the card and key back then terminate with immediate effect, telling her why. Less pushback if she knows you have filmed evidence. I would neither softsoap it, nor would I give more than a week's pay. Immediate effect means just that.
I was an aupair twice, albeit a different time. Had a six week old baby and a jealous five year old, when I was 19.
Had a two year old and a six year old, when I was 20. I don't think I was that special but I managed perfectly fine. Like I said, a different time.
I would look at a local childminder. Mine is fab. Go with your gut. But whatever you decide, you need her to leave asap and make sure you watch her pack. Sorry.

Her stealing is on the OP?

How do you figure that?

When DS1 is at playgroup, we have DS1 with us or he's napping. We're monitoring his napping via baby cam and we're the ones that go in and feed him etc. When he's up, DW usually works downstairs with DS2 in his bouncer or he's with us in our home office. DS2 usually has one of his naps around the time DS1 naps anyway. Yes, AP can go out and do her own thing during playgroup or napping.

I have zero say with anyone who exploits young women because they're too cheap to pay for proper childcare.

You're a disgrace

I don't know why the OP is getting such a hard time here. 🙄

I agree with the others, she has been caught stealing, so that is gross misconduct. I'd buy her a ticket home (not sure if she is British or not) and give her a month's wages as severance, if you can afford it.

It's bad luck, some employees work out, some don't, but there's no need to over-think the whole thing.

As someone who worked as an au pair before, I feel that it's a wonderful experience for a young woman to experience living in another culture, so disagree with those saying au pairing is in and of itself exploitative.

HOWEVER, in my experience you are not using the service appropriately. When you take an au pair, you do so on the basis that they're young and inexperienced and therefore don't deserve a proper nanny wage - they're not really nannies, are they? So it's really inappropriate for you to hire someone who you consider young and inexperienced enough to not pay properly, to take care of such young children. It is WAY too much responsibility for any au pair - and also it's really not good parenting. Why would you risk the safety of such small children with someone you can't trust and who has little to no experience?

I am really shocked to hear that you would trust this person to take care of a 5 month old and a 2 year old. It's frankly quite dangerous. Would you trust that she could take appropriate action if one of them was choking, got a fever, got injured? Small children are so fragile and vulnerable! YOU NEED TO PAY FOR PROPER CHILDCARE! Your children are also too small to explain to you what happened if she hurts them or does something bad. You have said yourself that your child is afraid of her and displaying really worrying signs that something is not right with her, yet you're ignoring this?

Honestly, the stealing is the LEAST of your worries.

If something happened to one of your children because you favoured cheapness over good quality childcare, you'd never forgive yourself. Please get rid of her and sort appropriate childcare for your babies. Maybe consider an au pair again when you have a 6 and 8 year old - children who aren't so fragile and who can tell you if someone does something to them. It's shocking that you trust this woman so little that you've had to resort to spying on her, yet you're trusting her with your tiny and vulnerable children.

Not good parenting on your part, tbh.

(I would use the stealing as an excuse to fire her and PPs are wrong, it is totally legal to keep cameras in communal areas of your own home! It's not like you're filming her in the shower.)